What to do if you're an adult whose parents are acting like children

Fionne

I'm 36 and you'd think that might mean that if my parents weren't getting on then it wouldn't bother me overmuch. But I discovered today that they've not been speaking for 2 weeks and it's really kind of upset me.

They were hiding it from me as I threatened to never call there again the last time it happened and so they resumed talking. My youngest brother moved out 2 months ago and things have just been getting worse and worse since then, I suppose they were making an effort to get along when he was there, though there was always constants sniping at each other and bickering but I think I'd rather that than the silence.

Question is - what do you do? Do I try (again) to make them talk to each other again or am I just wasting my time?

Christmas dinner is just going to be great with this atmosphere in the house. Sick of it!! :mad:

Daisy M

Unless it is a case that one of them is in danger or been abused then leave them to it otherwise you could spend the next number of years trying to sort out their crap, upsetting yourself about it and been miserable. As for christmas wait and see and and if they cant be bothered to make an effort for their family then dont go or just call for a short visit.

My advice may sound harsh but this sounds like an ongoing problem not something new so I would doubt they will ever change.

fonril

fonril wrote: »

They were hiding it from me as I threatened to never call there again the last time it happened
...
Christmas dinner is just going to be great with this atmosphere in the house. Sick of it!

And you're accusing them of acting like children?
Seriously?
Your parents are having marital troubles to the point they're not talking anymore and all you're concerned with is throwing tantrums until they make up for your sake, and about your christmas dinner??

If they aren't getting on anymore they might be well advised to do some counselling or go their own ways
either way, it's not your business other than saying you're concerned about them and want them to be happy - certainly not to be throwing fits like that again

LegacyUser

fonril wrote: »

I'm 36 and you'd think that might mean that if my parents weren't getting on then it wouldn't bother me overmuch. But I discovered today that they've not been speaking for 2 weeks and it's really kind of upset me.

They were hiding it from me as I threatened to never call there again the last time it happened and so they resumed talking. My youngest brother moved out 2 months ago and things have just been getting worse and worse since then, I suppose they were making an effort to get along when he was there, though there was always constants sniping at each other and bickering but I think I'd rather that than the silence.

Question is - what do you do? Do I try (again) to make them talk to each other again or am I just wasting my time?

Christmas dinner is just going to be great with this atmosphere in the house. Sick of it!! :mad:

You're sick of it? Your Christmas dinner will be spoiled? OP I'm afraid you sound very selfish.

If your parents don't get along that is their business. How you feel about it doesn't come into it. They are adults and so are you.

And I suggest you start organising your own Christmas dinner at age 36 instead of flouncing in and out of their home and laying down the law about what you do and don't approve of.

IrishEyes19

bluewolf wrote: »

And you're accusing them of acting like children?
Seriously?
Your parents are having marital troubles to the point they're not talking anymore and all you're concerned with is throwing tantrums until they make up for your sake, and about your christmas dinner??

If they aren't getting on anymore they might be well advised to do some counselling or go their own ways
either way, it's not your business other than saying you're concerned about them and want them to be happy - certainly not to be throwing fits like that again

thats really harsh, this is the OP's original home and if you cant come there and the atmopshere to be nice, its hard. secondly, of course bickering and upset is going to be hard on him, and I think they meant that christmas, a family time will be especially hard therefore if they are pretending to care.

unless you've eperienced such fighting, you cant be so harsh, the OP didnt throw a tantrum, they made the point that they wouldnt not visit if it continued, its selfish of two people to make the home uncomfortable for others over bickering and horrible to endure. I totally see the OPs point of view here.

up for anything

fonril wrote: »

I'm 36 and you'd think that might mean that if my parents weren't getting on then it wouldn't bother me overmuch. But I discovered today that they've not been speaking for 2 weeks and it's really kind of upset me.

They were hiding it from me as I threatened to never call there again the last time it happened and so they resumed talking. My youngest brother moved out 2 months ago and things have just been getting worse and worse since then, I suppose they were making an effort to get along when he was there, though there was always constants sniping at each other and bickering but I think I'd rather that than the silence.

Question is - what do you do? Do I try (again) to make them talk to each other again or am I just wasting my time?

Christmas dinner is just going to be great with this atmosphere in the house. Sick of it!! :mad:

36 and it's still all about you! Maybe they've been doing the silence for you and your siblings' sake all these years and it's gotten too much for them. Why don't you try telling them that you love them and you hope they manage to sort things out one way or another, and that you will stop acting like you are 16 and threatening them with never calling to the house type actions. Support them in this difficult time and stop making it more difficult for them. At 36 surely you don't have to go home for Christmas!

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

thats really harsh, this is the OP's original home and if you cant come there and the atmopshere to be nice, its hard. secondly, of course bickering and upset is going to be hard on him, and I think they meant that christmas, a family time will be especially hard therefore if they are pretending to care.

unless you've eperienced such fighting, you cant be so harsh, the OP didnt throw a tantrum, they made the point that they wouldnt not visit if it continued, its selfish of two people to make the home uncomfortable for others over bickering and horrible to endure. I totally see the OPs point of view here.

It sounds to me like everybody has moved out of the family home except for the parents. Marriages break down or go through really rough patches and I'd expect support and not to have to fake 'happy ever after' for adult children. I don't see them as being selfish, just individuals who are struggling.

Firetrap

Ultimately, your parents are both grown adults and it's their marriage. It's up to them to try and solve things. I can understand why you're upset over what has happened but it's better not to become too involved. Just let them know that you care and if there's anything you can do to help, that you will. Then leave them to sort it out themselves.

Beruthiel

fonril wrote: »

Question is - what do you do? Do I try (again) to make them talk to each other again or am I just wasting my time?

They are grown adults, it is not up to you to tell them how to behave.

Christmas dinner is just going to be great with this atmosphere in the house. Sick of it!! :mad:

Don't go over for Christmas dinner then.

Fionne

Didn't really expect those responses but I guess what I wrote could be taken as being childish. Maybe it even is childish of me to not want my parents to be on such bad terms.

It really wasn't about Christmas dinner, it was the whole idea of there being an atmosphere in the house. If things are as they are now they won't even sit in the same room together. How does that work for the rest of the family? Are you then picking sides if you sit with him or with her, it just makes things stressful.

Yes, I could just not go there but I think my Mam especially would be hurt by that so I'm not sure I could stay away without feeling super guilty.

There is a history of abuse, going back to maybe 20 years ago but yes, the child in me that witnessed that comes to the fore when they're arguing as I just can't forget that horrible time and I know that my mother has been nervous since my brother moved out and she was left alone with Dad again. He has a history of mental illness and depression and quite honestly I think he's capable of anything if the mood takes him.

I'm the eldest and that means that my siblings usually "dump" the problem on me and then they wash their hands of it. I know, ultimately there's not much I can do if she won't leave or he won't leave, but it's really not the trivial situation that I might have given the impression of in my original post.

Ickle Magoo

Would you ask them both to sit down and try mediating?

I know it's not really any of your business but if I thought my parents would be happier for it, I wouldn't hesitate to offer to get involved/mediate. If your parents don't want that, then there isn't a lot you can do - they are grown adults and make their own choices and decision; all you can do is offer to help and look out for your own happiness through the choices you are making...and that may well involve staying as far away from the stress and misery as your siblings are.

Your folks aren't talking, it would be a horrible atmosphere and I really don't think your mother/parents have any right to throw a guilt trip that you don't want to be involved in that nonsense. It sounds like they have a fairly unhealthy relationship anyway and at some stage you have to draw the line at how far you are prepared to be drawn into that.

All the best.

Sleepy

If things are that bad, why not let them know that you're all adults now so they don't need to stay together for ye're sake?

Fionne

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Would you ask them both to sit down and try mediating?

I can certainly try, though it would be more like talking to one, then talking to the other as at the moment they won't even sit in the same room together. When I attempted this last time it didn't work which was why I gave them the ultimatum of either sorting themselves out and speaking to each other or that I wouldn't be calling there again. Their next-door neighbours have been living in the same house without speaking to each other for the last 10 years so I guess it might just end up like that, though why anyone would live in a house with someone they can't bear to even speak to is beyond me.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It sounds like they have a fairly unhealthy relationship anyway and at some stage you have to draw the line at how far you are prepared to be drawn into that.

I guess I'm just used to falling into that role of the "fixer", been doing it all my life in one way or another between the two of them. I think a clean break would be so much better for everyone involved but that's not my choice to make either. I'm totally helpless in this situation really is what it boils down to and that's not easy to accept either.

Fionne

Sleepy wrote: »

If things are that bad, why not let them know that you're all adults now so they don't need to stay together for ye're sake?

I said that to my mother last night but I don't know if that's what's keeping her there. I think what's holding her there is Dad's threats to harm himself, just over a year ago they had a big row and he took off to the shed with a rope and frightened the life out of her. He also usually refuses to take his medication when they're not speaking so he may be 2 weeks off meds at this point.

It's hard not to worry about what might be going on in that house when nobody is around. In fact, it's impossible not to worry.

Ickle Magoo

fonril wrote: »

I'm totally helpless in this situation really is what it boils down to and that's not easy to accept either.

You aren't totally helpless - you can read them both the riot act about how childish and ridiculous they are behaving and you can ask them to get in touch only when they've sorted it out. You can't change other peoples behaviour to get a different result, you can only change how you react to them and hope that triggers a different result.

Look after yourself, as grown adults, your parents are well able to look after themselves but immersing yourself in all the stress and anxiety of rowing parents is no healthier for an adult child than it is for one still living at home. Let them know what the consequences to their actions are - ie putting their children off spending any time/christmas with them - and then acknowledge the choice to change that scenario is all theirs. Perhaps a christmas alone because no-one wants to be in their company will give them the jolt they need to seek help?

Beruthiel

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Let them know what the consequences to their actions are - ie putting their children off spending any time/christmas with them - and then acknowledge the choice to change that scenario is all theirs. Perhaps a christmas alone because no-one wants to be in their company will give them the jolt they need to seek help?

Spot on Ickle.
Were I the OP, I'd be having xmas dinner in my own house and leaving them to it.

As for your father fonril, that sort of passive aggressive behaviour would have me seeing red.
How dare he emotionally blackmail your mother.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I probably understand where you are coming from more than most, switch the roles though. My mam was the mad one and my dad the saint. Fortunately for me though my mam got into AA and got onto proper medication. They also attended councelling and actually have a good marraige now. I can totally see how you're caught though. You're worried that if you disappear off the scene something awful could happen to your mother or that your dad could do something awful to himself.

I really would suggest you go and maybe have a chat with the family GP with your mother? Would that be an option? There are support groups for people who are in a marraige with people with mental illnesses and that could be a really good source of support for your mum. Unfortunately it's very unhealthy for you to be involved in your parents marraige, even if you are 36 they are still you parents and it's too close to home, there's just no way for you to have involvement in it and still be happy and healthy.

So yeah I see where you are coming from, it really is a tough one. You're dealing with someone who isnt in their right mind and you're worried about your mum who is at his mercy. You really do have my sympathy. Look, at the end of the day you cannot do a whole lot about this without jeopardising yourself. This really is up to your mum, you dad doesn't sound at all capable to make any decisions. So yeah maybe have a talk to her and see if she'll see the GP with you with the view to getting some outside support.

With regards to Christmas, I know where you're coming from, I've had ones where you literally puke up the turkey afterwards from the stress and tension, so yeah I don't think you are selfish AT ALL.

Big hug OP and the very best of luck.

Daisy M

Op your subsequent posts paint things in a much different light. Do your best for your parents but make sure this doesnt consume you, you need to realise there is only so much help you can give without it taking over your life. Ask your siblings for help and support dont take it all on on your own.

Best of luck op.

shellyboo

You can't force your parents to stay in an abusive relationship because it'll make things easier at Christmas dinner. Come on, OP... have a bit of compassion for your parents and their lives.

Obviously they did their best to stay together for the sake of the family, now you owe them some tolerance and understanding and support. I don't give a monkeys if not two words are spoken over the dinner table, you go there and you sit there for as long as it takes -- for as many dinners and cups of tea, weeks or months -- for them to figure out what is best for them and their future.

If your Dad won't take his meds, you can get the doctor to call to the house and speak to him. If your mother doesn't feel safe in the house while he's not on his meds, someone go and stay with her. Or stay with him while she goes elsewhere.

The time for ultimatums and tantrums is long past. Your parents need SUPPORT. Just be there for them. Show them that no matter how bad, no matter if they're in the same house or not, depression, suicidal feelings, whatever -- you are THERE. End of story.

Fionne

shellyboo wrote: »

You can't force your parents to stay in an abusive relationship because it'll make things easier at Christmas dinner. Come on, OP... have a bit of compassion for your parents and their lives..

I absolutley am in no way trying to force my parents to stay together just for Christmas dinner, or any time of the year for that matter. And I do have compassion, hell, if I didn't care about them then I wouldn't be making myself feel so sick with worry.

shellyboo wrote: »

If your Dad won't take his meds, you can get the doctor to call to the house and speak to him. .

From experience (cos we've been here before as a family) doctors won't call out even in the most serious of circumstances, they just tell us to bring him to them which is impossible to do if he's unwilling. I've told the doctor before about him drinking and not taking his medication but they can't do anything as he's an adult and it's his choice. Basically doctors will just tell the family to get on with it and stop complaining. There's no support offered.

shellyboo wrote: »

If your mother doesn't feel safe in the house while he's not on his meds, someone go and stay with her. Or stay with him while she goes elsewhere.

So I should move back in with my parents then? Honestly, and ok, call me selfish if you like, I don't think I could handle it. You have no idea what I went through when I lived there or how it affected my own health.

I was there yesterday and he's now only barely speaking to me either, for absolutely no reason. I don't think I deserve that.

StillWaters

It sounds incredibly tough, particularly for your mother. She may be finding her feet and her voice now after all her chicks have flown the nest, or she may tolerate this for years yet. Ultimately its is HER choice. I don't think they are behaving like children though, parties in a dysfunctional relationship, yes. Step away from their relationship OP, let them know you are there, carry on calling round for tea.

I would make my own plans for Christmas though.

shellyboo

fonril wrote: »

So I should move back in with my parents then? Honestly, and ok, call me selfish if you like, I don't think I could handle it. You have no idea what I went through when I lived there or how it affected my own health.

I was there yesterday and he's now only barely speaking to me either, for absolutely no reason. I don't think I deserve that.

I didn't say move back in, I said SOMEONE (you mentioned siblings) should stay with your mother, or with your father if he threatens suicide again, so your mother can feel safe. Not forever, just occasionally.

Also, 'deserve' has nothing to do with it. You're talking about a depressive alcoholic -- rational behaviour is not to be expected. I'm sure you know that yourself.

There is no easy way to fix this. They stay together, there will be a terrible atmosphere. They break up, it will be awful and difficult. What you (all) need to figure out is what's best (for your parents, not for you 'children'... at 36 you should be able to cope with the idea of separated parents) and try to make that happen. If they want to stay together, they need some sort of counselling to work on their issues together. If they decide to break up, they need emotional support from family and medical support from professionals.

I *know* you want them to just get on with it and not involve you. I know how that feels! But that's not fair on them, and it's also not going to happen, ever. So steel yourself for the hard times that are coming, is the best advice I can give you.