Marriage

LegacyUser

I'm a mess. I'm possibly also a "selfish prick" and other things. Primarily, however, I'm very confused. I'm going to counselling for the first time ever to get insight into this but I really am getting no insight at all and I'm becoming disillusioned with it. So maybe in the rough of an online forum, I might get a diamond of an answer.


First off, I'm not sure what 'love' is, although I know it's not the puppy love stuff of Valentine's Day. When I look back and think of when I 'loved' somebody, I was usually at a weak and vulnerable stage of my life. In hindsight, what I thought was 'love' was really a selfish indulgence of my insecurity.


Anyway, I've been going out with somebody for many, many years and we have been engaged for years also. We have plenty of disagreements and are very dissimilar on most things. There is 'love' there, but much more from her than from me. I 'love' as best I can, and I've never 'loved' anybody as much. It's important to bear this last point in mind. In the relativity of life, this is as good as it gets for me. I want to 'love' more, but I'm trying hard to keep myself above water in the pressures of daily life that I don't have the energy to focus on emotional stuff. It gets worse, I am horribly apathetic to so much. I find many/most emotional demands to be a drain on my focus. I'm not, of course, in any way proud about this. I would really like to be able to get a balance between career aims and emotional things but the former are already overwhelming me without taking on the latter.

In this environment apathy is like a defensive mechanism. But apathetic I most certainly am. If she were to leave me after all these years I would feel a sense of relief, of freedom, of endless possibilities. Yes, I'm aware that's beyond crappy. I really am. I know there's something not right there, and that *I* am the problem. I would like to change it. Nevertheless it's how I feel, and have always felt. I'm pretty much a loner in my dealings with life. But... I don't want to throw this away either. As I said, it's the most I've 'loved' anybody and maybe I could grow to be a more open and emotional person over time. She is brilliant and a great, loyal friend who loves me deeply. I don't deserve her but I think someday I could. I'm just so confused on this, and totally ignorant of what feelings I should have prior to marriage. Are my feelings for my partner and marriage rare, or common? Can feelings grow? Does marriage change dynamics?

Any constructive ideas will be welcome.

Miss Fluff

sunflower27 wrote: »

The fact that you say if she were to leave you would feel a sense of freedom is very telling.

+1 to this. Sounds to me like your heart isn't in it.

nowyouresix

You sound cold, clinical, almost robotic... so matter of fact like being in "love" is somewhat like buttering your toast... but you're letting the toast get cold so you can't have the butter dripping off it...it's no longer indulgent...

Here's the thing. It seems that you're working too much. In actual fact I'd hazard a guess and say that work has taken over your life, and that you're functioning on an emotional autopilot.

Equally you love her, but are not in love with her...

Your doubts are so great that you have posted this question , and you have been engaged for a long, long time. Again, I'm not sure if you ever really had the intention , deep down, of actually marrying her. I'm guessing you were just coasting along, and now you have woken up and said crap this is not for me...

Now, you can marry her, by all means...and then she'll get 50% of your everything in a few years time when the realisation dawns on her....or you can break up....break out of your mundane life, and find what it is that you actually want....

If your heart was in it, you'd have married her by now.

Degringola

Join the club.

Kanoe

nowyouresix wrote: »

You sound cold, clinical, almost robotic... so matter of fact like being in "love" is somewhat like buttering your toast... but you're letting the toast get cold so you can't have the butter dripping off it...it's no longer indulgent...

am I the only person who actually likes my toast cold before I butter it?

Op, when you say you were at a vulnerable stage in life when you experienced what you thought was love, are you just denying yourself a very real experience because you were young? Fair enough it could have been infatuation, or the first taste of lust and you can rationalise it away as some kind of youthful folly but maybe you just got hurt and are afraid to let yourself feel anything in case it would happen again.
I could be wrong though, I just feel a lot like you a lot of the time and find myself asking the same questions, I just wouldn't deny ever having those feelings in the first place just because I had them when I was young. They were real and very valid. I don't believe I'll ever experience them again (but for other reasons) and I'm equally apathetic when it comes to love now, but I'm happy enough going it my way anyway.
I know why I don't feel anything, do you?

Taltos

Degringola - please keep your posts constructive and helpful to the OP.

As per our charter found here, specifically the following three points.
Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner
Off topic posts and unhelpful posts will not be tolerated.
&
most of all, if you have nothing relevant to add to the topic, please refrain from posting anything at all.


Taltos

Curry Addict

it sounds like you you want to understand yourself better and gain some insight. here is a really good technique http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window

get your partner and some trusted friends to complete this and do it yourself.
also do an ideal version of yourself as you would like to be. It will go a long way to help understand yourself and maybe give the insight you need.

Degringola

Sorry Taltos