Momentary lapse of sanity

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I'm so shocked and sickened by my own actions and the entire story I'm about to tell you and I'm looking for some advice.

I've been seeing a guy for the last 6 months and thought things were going really well. He seemed to be really happy with me and told me he loved me everyday. We went to a party last weekend and he was being really flirty with this girl. I tried not to feel jealous but they were being really inappropriate and I felt awful so I left without saying anything.

He called me about an hour later asking where I was and I told him that he had upset me by being all over the girl and he angrily told me to grow up and hung up on me.

Next day he came over and we talked about it and he said he hates being accused of sh*t like that and that he prides himself on being trustworthy and loyal so that's why he got angry. I said sorry and we kissed and made up.

Last night I was walking by a bar near my house and decided to pop in to buy cigarettes. I saw my bf sitting at a table with this girl.

I went insane.

I saw complete red and went insane. I went over to them and whacked him across the head. I then grabbed his jacket from the chair and ran out of the bar. His iphone was in the jacket and I smashed it on the ground. I took his wallet and broke all his cards. I tore up the photo of his niece he always carrys and threw his wallet away.

I am now in a state of complete shock. I feel so sick I can barely type this.

Please please help me. What the hell is wrong with me??? Who acts that way???
I'm normally a kind caring person but I lost it last night. I regretted it instantly but that doesn't change the fact that I did it:(

I am gutted:(

I don't even care about the girl so much, I care about my reaction. I scared myself.

Thanks for reading

Jerri Jordan

You should never have apologised to him in the first place. If he was openly flirting at the party he was very much the one in the wrong. Thats was your first mistake. By forgiving him you let it be known your a pushover.
secondly was he in the bar on a date with this girl. If so you reacted completely normally.If it had been me I would have reacted the same if not worse.Granted you may not be happy and you scared yourself but learn from this. Next time you meet a man and if he openly flirts in your face like that do not apologise to him! have pride in yourself.
This man let you down and led you on, he tried to make you insecure by telling you that you were in the wrong the night of the party. Staying with him will destroy your self esteem. Let the other fool have him, the same thing will happen to her.
and go easy on yourself you had a normal human reaction to seeing your man cheating.

Namle

People don't think about it much but Emotion is more powerful than logic. Unfortunately for you in this case the emotion, anger, drove you beyond the social norm and into an area that you are shocked with.

To make sure it never happens again decide 1. to forgive yourself and accept it was a one off. 2. Accept you did it and you are horrified by it. The next time you feel anger build in you again, STOP. Remember what anger drove you to do in the past and remind yourself how you felt the next day. Hopefully that should make you walk away from the situation you are in.

As for the guy? Break contact, everywhere;phone number, facebook etc. find a new pub to drink in if you have to. He's bad for you.

Remember, a mistake is only a mistake if you don't learn from it. Good luck.

fatmammycat

Are people serious? The OP assaulted this man in public, STOLE his belongings, destroyed them- including a clearly important picture, because he was sitting in a bar with a woman.
OP, there is no excuse for what you did, regardless of emotion. Stay away from this man, learn to control your anger and be glad he didn't press charges against you. I would have done so.

Oryx

You really need to learn from this. First lesson being that regardless of how good the six months were, this guy was not the one for you. Not just because of his flirting and possible two-timing, but because of the extreme reactions he provokes in you. A good partner shouldnt bring out that level of insecurity in you.

If you destroyed his property, then you need to replace it. Now, I doubt he will want anything to do with you, but you should make a payment to him to cover at least some of the costs of his stuff. This is not because I think he deserves it, or didnt provoke you, but because it is the right thing to do if you want to be able to walk away from this situation having made amends for your behaviour. A sting in your pocket might be a sore reminder not to kick off the next time the red mist descends, too.

Once youve done that, then move on, and forgive yourself. We all do crazy stuff in the heat of the moment. Forgive, but dont ever forget that you have the potential for that kind of temper.

fatmammycat

Guys, what is this 'deserve; and 'provoke' talk? If the OP was a man, and he had gone in and assaulted and stolen from his girlfriend, would we be okay with his actions? Would we use terminology like 'provoke' and 'deserve'? No one deserves to be assaulted or attacked like that in public, it's shockingly bad behaviour. Illegal in fact. I don't think it's fair at all to suggest he 'deserved' it. He deserved to be dumped, that's it.

CardinalJ

I think a lot of people missed the point of this post..... The OP is concerned that she lost the plot, assaulted her BF (ex BF) smashed his property and lost control of herself. She knows he's in the wrong regarding being in the pub with a girl.

OP I'd replace his stuff, apologise for hitting him and never speak to him again. You need to punish yourself as much as him.

Oryx

fatmammycat wrote: »

Guys, what is this 'deserve; and 'provoke' talk? If the OP was a man, and he had gone in and assaulted and stolen from his girlfriend, would we be okay with his actions? Would we use terminology like 'provoke' and 'deserve'? No one deserves to be assaulted or attacked like that in public, it's shockingly bad behaviour. Illegal in fact. I don't think it's fair at all to suggest he 'deserved' it. He deserved to be dumped, that's it.

To clarify: I didnt mean to say he deserved anything. I mentioned the word because I felt the op might have in her mind that there WAS provocation, and that he WAS doing something wrong. (And to an extent there was, and he was, even though it does not ever make common assault the right reaction to it). Im just want the op to know that I can understand, to an extent, why she did 'go insane'. I never said it was justified, and I didnt mean it to come across that way.

daybyday

I know what it's like to feel like that. The thing is someone who loves you shouldn't take out this aspect in you. Maybe you are more sensitive than the norm, and react differently and a bit more passionately. I hear you! It might not have been anything. But being another girl I would have acted the same.. at least no hot drinks were involved!

Forgive yourself, move on, find someone who you can trust and be assured that won't surprise you at any bar or act like that in front of you.

Jerri Jordan

OP Can you get back to us when ur able and let us know if the boyfriend was cheating in the resteraunt. has he been in touch?
If he made you feel terrible and guilty over the incident at the party I can easily see how would see red if he was indeed out cheating with this girl in a local bar.
Dont beat yourself up over it. If was indeed cheating why should you whimper off and not make a scene about it. Great if you have the self control to walk away but most people would react to seeing that.
Im not saying its clever or right but its a human reaction.
Stay away from this man as he sounds toxic. And if a man disrespects you again in furure walk away, do not be manipulated into apologising.

LegacyUser

I agree with fatmammycat. And I feel that the OP has realised what she has done and wants to take steps to stop it from happening again.

OP, even if your boyfriend had been practically sitting in that girl's lap in the pub, your reaction was way over the top. As things stand, you don't know who that girl was. She could have been a cousin, a work colleague, friend....anything. To assume that he was cheating on you and to react in the way you did shows that you were very uncertain about where you stood in the relationship. Possibly very insecure.

I don't know, maybe your boyfriend was adept at making you feel insecure or maybe you're adept at making yourself feel insecure. Only you know the answer to that. If it's the former, you need to get away from him without assaulting him or damaging his possessions. If it's the latter, you should spend time by yourself before you get into another relationship because your reaction last night was totally unacceptable and nobody deserves to be treated in that manner.

Oryx

Jerri Jordan, please dont request that the op 'get back to us'. If they choose not to post again, that is their right.

Jerri Jordan

Apologies! I didnt realise sorry.

johnr1

OP, But for the fact that you're a woman, you wouldn't be posting this on boards now, you'd be down in your local Garda station answering questions, and facing assault and battery charges, along with destruction and theft of property.
I sincerely hope your ex presses charges. I would, and the fact that you have different anatomy from me wouldn't stop me either.

If he was cheating, - and it looks as if he was, your only course of action was to never contact him again, just as the rest of us have to do when it happens. It's hurtful, despicable, and low, but it happens to most of us at some stage and we don't react like this.

Btw to the posters who are saying it's a natural reaction: You disgust me almost as much as the OP does.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm conflicted by your post. On one hand your bf sound like a manipulitve pr*ck. "How dare you get angry with me for flirting all over a girl in front of you, I'm 100% trustworthy", that's warped logic and that kind of thing is usually intended to make the other partner question themselves and keep them confused. On the other hand you destroyed property and assaulted him, now don't get me wrong I don't at all condone what you did, BUT. . . if he has you guessing and confused then I can understand how your anger could have overtaken you.

I myself am the opposite, if someone treated me like that I would have walked over to him and said "hey needle dick, don't bother contacting me again, you obviously don't have a ****ing clue how to not be a headwrecking bastard". (Although it's easy to say that sitting calmly at a computer:o, it would probably be said with ALOT more swearing).

I generally don't ever allow a guy to see he's upset me, I've way to much pride in myself to ever give a guy the ego boost of seeing me upset because of him. As my mother drilled into me "never give a guy your tears". A guy I'd been going out with for 2 months dumped me. He was having a party that weekend and I'd already agreed to go and thought f*ck it, I'll go anyways. It was hard, I was uncomfortable for about an hour but then I remembered it was his loss and ended up having a great time with my friends that were there. That guy saw me cool and collected and not at all upset at his having dropped me a couple of day earlier, he came crawling back on hands and knees a week later. I let him grovel for another 3 weeks and eventually dragged him to bed and rocked his world. I'm still with him 5 years later . My point is that you need to get your pride back, throw your shoulders back, head high and never ever ever let a piece of cr*p (like your bf) make you behave in such a manner, you're way better than that. Listen to your common sense and don't be talked around into accepting crappy threatment (flirting with others in front of you), you shouldn't have let him talk you around to you accepting the blame for being upset at him flirting in front of you.

If it's something that you battle with (your temper) then maybe go to anger management but it sounds from your post that this was very unusual for you.

Give yourself a break, forget it, delete him from your life and never accept crappy threatment again.

Best of luck.

Ickle Magoo

johnr1, this forum exists to give posters advice - it is not appropriate to gender flame/soapbox. If you have no constructive advice to offer the OP on the issue they requested advice on, then kindly refrain from posting.

All, be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum - as can advocating violence.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Payton

Well done admitting you have a problem.
Judging by what you have told us it seems you have a couple of issues. You say your bf loves you yet he flirted openly infront of you...you see him in a bar chatting to a girl, who was she? A work mate, a friend, a mates gf? Jealously being one of them and some insecurity and trust issues aswell.
He explained to you that nothing was going at the party and then you freak out when you see him with a girl...
If your lucky and he is still with you, you need to address those issues through some type of counselling, especially if he has given you no reason before.
Contact him and ask him give you some space which you really need and hopefully you can address those issues because if you don't you'll never have a good/happy/trusting relationship which is what everyone deserves.
All the best.

BraziliaNZ

Some people are just flirty by nature, just because they are flirting with someone doesn't mean they're try to f**k them. I've gone out with similar types, you're not supposed to take any offence.

Sleepy

Jesus OP, did your parents never teach you that you're responsible for your actions and have to accept their consequences?

That childish tantrum of yours I wouldn't tolerate from my three year old. It'd earn her a time-out and no sweets for the week. Unfortunately for you, should this man decide to press charges, the consequences will most likely involve a jail cell in your near future.

You need to seek professional help either way.

Ickle Magoo

Would you please consider anger management classes/therapy, OP, because that kind of ridiculous reaction could get you into some serious trouble one day.

I think the old adage that you can't change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change yourself is very apt here - and one to concentrate on if ever you feel like violently assaulting someone else or damaging their possessions ever again. Instead of viewing a snub or hurt as warranting attacking someone, view it as a useful red flag that warns you who should be cut out of your life and when a relationship/your attitude is not healthy - and go get that sorted.

Relationships are worthless without trust and your relationships will always fail if you do not have adequate conflict resolution skills that do not involve jumping to/resorting to coercion, bullying, assault, etc. I think you need to take a step back from all romantic relationships for the moment and ensure you have a handle on your temper and are able to resolve conflict or deal with stressful situations within a relationship assertively but peacefully.

All the best.

Pebbles68

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Would you please consider anger management classes/therapy, OP, because that kind of ridiculous reaction could get you into some serious trouble one day.

I think the old adage that you can't change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change yourself is very apt here - .

You just beat me to it, that was nearly going to be my post word for word except for the word "ridiculous". As the OP stated she knew it was wrong and it scared her.

S23

A couple of things here. First off fair play to the OP for realising she has a problem. And it is a serious problem. To go complete nuts over something potentially as inoccuous as being in the company of another woman just isn't on.

Next is the 'flirting' at the party. Some people seem to have jumped to the conclusion that the BF was playing mind games and trying to make her insecure. Given that they were together 6 months, the OP had no previous complaints and the BF was open about his feelings of love for the OP, and this had never happened before, and given that the OP clearly has penchant for total over reaction, I wouldn't just assume that the BF was flirting up a storm with this girl at the party. That's not to say he wasn't but there is very little proof of that. There was no description of the behaviour given.

So then she sees him in the company of another woman and goes beserk at the drop of a hat. We're talking batsh*t super insane bananas here. You were very lucky not to get arrested. If I struck someone in the head, stole their belongings and ran off into the night with them then smashed said belongings to bits (iPhones are pretty expensive too are they not?) and generally acted like a maniac I'd count my blessings the police didn't end up involved.

I was out for a drink with a female friend a couple of weeks ago after work on the spur of the moment. I certainly wouldn't expect to be assaulted for doing so. I also wouldn't expect my property to be destroyed or taken/stolen because of it.

So I'd temper all the 'I know where you're coming from' replies on here a little bit. We've no idea if this guy ever acted inappropriately at all. For all we know you completely over reacted to him talking to someone at a party just as you completely over reacted to him being in this other girls company. That doesn't rule out him being a headwrecker or a cheater either. But the only definite fact we have at our disposal is that you acted like a nutcase.

I wouldn't suggest you go to anger management classes or therapy. I'd tell you that you absolutely need to. If you act like this in future you'll end up in serious trouble one way or another. You might get in trouble with the police, or lose your job (if you act like that in the workplace) or you might even do it to someone who has no problem in reacting to your violent behaviour with violent behaviour of their own and end up getting a black eye, broken nose or worse.

Starting to address this should be priority #1 for you right now. Also I think you should pay for/replace his phone. His cards will be replaced by the various banks etc... the picture you tore up obviously has some sentimental value and you can't replace that but you can get him an new iPhone. You actually owe him one regardless of whether he was flirting with the woman at the party or planning on having sex with the woman in the pub.

squonk

First off OP, your Bf sounds like he is a bit of a jack the lad. It's certainly not acceptable that he was openly flrity with that girl. On the other hand, are you sure he was flirty and not just having a bit of craic? After your outburst in the cafe I'm not sure you're the best judge of the situation.

I presume you're going to replace his iPhone and other belongings? What you did was absolutely unacceptable in my view. How dare you assualt somebody, rob their posessions and then destroy them! Realistically I think the guy might not be an angel but I think he's had a lucky escape from you.

Please go to some anger management classes and learn to cope with your emotions. Don't get involved in another relationship until you've learned to behave yourself.

Eric Cartman

Thisisalow wrote: »

I saw complete red and went insane. I went over to them and whacked him across the head. I then grabbed his jacket from the chair and ran out of the bar. His iphone was in the jacket and I smashed it on the ground. I took his wallet and broke all his cards. I tore up the photo of his niece he always carrys and threw his wallet away.

OP this is disgusting, you are a terrible person and obviously very immature if you would do such a thing, I reccomend you talk to a professional about this , and replace his iPhone and cards , women who do this disgust me, i hope you feel terrible about this.

Taltos

Eric Cartman - please review our Charter.

Specifically but not limited to:
Any advice given should be mature, contructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not.

All - we understand that this thread is striking some nerves - however we still hope that posters will post inline with our guidelines.

Taltos

dellas1979

Ok - your reaction was not appropriate and it was wrong - you appear to know that and that is why you feel so awful.

So, in shock situations like that, you know what you are capable of. Albeit we need to deal/cope with situations on a daily basis, this one was out of the norm and for that I would give you the benefit of the doubt that if you know you are wrong (which you appear to know), then it was a one off. If its happened before/had these angry possibly leading to assault feelings before, then you need to talk to someone.

And remember guys, she got a massive shock to her - no excuse to behave like that or assault someone, but if one of ye cant tell me that youve never been in a shock situation where feelings got out of control, then again Ill show you a liar. (yeah and no "but Ive never assaulted someone before" comments. I havent either, but I know we've all lost the plot in someway at some stage over something).

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Op Here.

I just wanted to update and thank you all for your replies.

I didn't want to give too much information away in my first post but to make things clearer, we both know the girl in question. My bf met her on a night course and talked about her all the time. They were emailing each other and meeting up as 'friends' at least once a week.

I was a little upset about this and asked him if I could at least meet her just to see what she's like. He reluctantly agreed and we met her and her friends in a bar one night and it was SUPER obvious she was after my bf.

She kept making comments about his appearance, kept complimenting him on his clothes and was even whispering things to him.

He knew how insecure I felt about this particular girl but he always took her side and got angry if I mentioned her name. They even went for dinner together a few weeks ago which I feel is wrong.

I know I acted in a terrible way and I have never before done anything like that but as I said, i saw red.

I will learn from this and will never ever do anything like that again but he drove me to insanity. I was wrong and I feel awful about it but the fact is he humiliated me, made me a paranoid wreck, lied to me and I snapped:(

There is no excuse for what I did and I am sorry. It scared me and it also sickens me that I'm such a bad judge of character. I was right about her but wrong about him. He had me convinced it was all innocent but I knew in my heart he was lying..

I am a friend

You are well rid so....

nowyouresix

He was dating another girl at the same time as you, simple as. You just didn't see it. Your reaction was extreme, but then, you were very hurt over it. Fortunately you are not explaining that to a judge. I hope you get a handle on your temper though, it might land you in major trouble.
Good luck.

Sleepy

Thisisalow wrote: »

I know I acted in a terrible way and I have never before done anything like that but as I said, i saw red.

I will learn from this and will never ever do anything like that again but he drove me to insanity. I was wrong and I feel awful about it but the fact is he humiliated me, made me a paranoid wreck, lied to me and I snapped:(

There is no excuse for what I did and I am sorry. It scared me and it also sickens me that I'm such a bad judge of character. I was right about her but wrong about him. He had me convinced it was all innocent but I knew in my heart he was lying..

You can't just pass your reaction off as "seeing red". We all get mad from time to time but we don't all throw violent, criminally destructive tantrums when we do so.

It's not helpful to blame your ex for your reaction either (bolded bits). You need to accept the responsibility for your actions and seek professional help to try and deal with whatever issues lead you to have so little self-control.

I don't know your circumstances OP but I know I certainly wouldn't want you around my children when you're capable of reactions like that.

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

You can't just pass your reaction off as "seeing red". We all get mad from time to time but we don't all throw violent, criminally destructive tantrums when we do so.

It's not helpful to blame your ex for your reaction either (bolded bits). You need to accept the responsibility for your actions and seek professional help to try and deal with whatever issues lead you to have so little self-control.

I don't know your circumstances OP but I know I certainly wouldn't want you around my children when you're capable of reactions like that.

In fairness Sleepy, I've had much worse things happen in my life then this break up and have never reacted in such a way. I've been through hell before with family deaths, alcoholic parents, teh list goes on and I've never mistreated anybody.

I'm a very calm kind and gentle person normally but I genuinely lost it that night and I fully admit that. I regretted it straight afterwards and will learn from it and never do it again.

I think everybody is capable of acting that way. I think everybody is capable of murder tbh. This is down to self control. I momentarily lost my cool and that could happen to anyone. To say you wouldn't let me near children is ridiculous and made me laugh cos I'm actually a nursery school teacher and all my kids adore me.

Anyway, I've forgiven myself and I understand my actions so that's all that matters.

Firetrap

It sounds like your boyfriend may have given you reason not to trust him. For all we know, he was cheating on you. BUT, that doesn't excuse what you did. I guess it's only at times like these that we do realise what we are capable of. If I was in your shoes I'd go looking for anger management classes. What's done is done and there's no point in going back over it.

Ickle Magoo

Okay, this thread is going around in circles now.

As there really is no justification for physically assaulting someone and there is plenty of good advice already on offer, I'm locking it. :cool: