At the end of what I can take - feel like giving up on it all

30andsosad

I’m not sure how much anyone values life anymore. I know no matter how bad things get for me I could never end my own life. I am lucky, I have amazing parents who adore me. I could never hurt them in that way. That said, every night I go to sleep.....I fantasise about not waking up, I’m not religious but I ask Jesus to take me. I go for walks and I beg the gods to let someone fall asleep behind the wheel – drive up on the kerb and kill me, let me die by some freak accident and get me out of here.
I know what you’re probably thinking; anti-depressants....I’ve tried them all and suffered massive weight gain or emotional numbness, most people stop taking them because of a lack of libido, I wish that had been my issue I don’t think mind altering medication is a good answer to anything.
I’m 30, educated to degree level, pretty, successful............................and bulimic
I don’t have a victim mentality, I’ve perfected the art of being happy and “OK” so well that sometimes I even fool myself.
I was very career driven for a long time but I had an on/off fling with a member of management in my old job where i’d been for 7 years – I stopped seeing him when he got in to a relationship, 3 years in to it he was coming on to me all the time and although I always refused – his girlfriend found out and he made my life a living hell until I eventually broke down and left the job.
I had a very specialised job and have not managed to find another similar role in that industry (there’s about 4 positions in the country) although I did find a new job straight away in a slightly different field – for less money.
The money doesn’t bother me because I spend my entire salary on food. I cannot be by myself without binging. Even when I am not by myself, once I start eating I cannot stop. When I am with friends and family I desperately need to get away from them and be by myself eating. I snap at them and am difficult, I lie and make excuses to get away and buy food.
My mother is the nicest and most supportive woman in the world, if I were her I would have washed my hands of me. She knows how sad I am, I confide in her and It’s too much for anyone to take and I want to get better so bad just for her, so that she can stop worrying about me, but I just can’t!! Every ****ing month the poor woman ends up paying my rent, I hate myself for it, I know that I am not worth it and she should just leave me to rot. But I know if my family turned their backs on me, I probably would just kill myself, they are the only reason I’m still here. Sometimes I think that in the long term, if I killed myself they would be better off without the worry of me – they just wouldn’t realise it ‘til it happened.
In terms of “trying to get better” I’ve been to meetings, I’ve gone away to Spain and been hypnotised, I’ve been to 5 or 6 different counsellors and have tried NLP. I’ve been so positive about my recovery, I’ve exhausted myself fighting urges and I’ve even forced myself to believe that all the effort would be worth it and I would one day – be normal. That was perhaps the most detrimental mistake of them all. I can’t have a relationship, I’m probably not a great friend since I make excuses to be by myself and binge on food – Im not looking for sympathy I just don’t know what other options I have.
I’ve been bulimic for 10 years and previous to that I was overweight so I have NEVER had a healthy relationship with food.
I think because I’m now 30, my friends are getting married and having babies, I have a minus bank balance, rent a room and am still paying for a car I bought in 2006, I have no financial stability, i rely on my parents - my father is retired and my mother is working but should be allowed to enjoy that money – they are such good people and they don’t deserve my crap. I’m not stupid – but I can’t control any of this at all – Please god I hope someone has the answer.

Beruthiel

30andsosad
Life is a precious gift and should be celebrated.
If you are feeling that down please go talk to a professional who can help you cope with your issues.
You deserve to be happy, make the effort to get there.