Dumping me because he can't forgive himself for hurting me.

Esoteric_

Hey, I posted a thread recently (under a different name) about how my boyfriend emotionally cheated on me after I had been unable to have sex due to depression for quite some time.

I decided to stay with him and we were working things out and were happy, had sex again too last time I saw him and he told me he felt so close to me after.

Tonight though, he dumped me, saying he cannot forgive himself for what he did to me, and he can't stay with me when I deserve better, because I deserve someone who never does that and he's scared that he'll never be able to forgive himself and says he feels like scum.

I told him that it's only been two weeks, so of course he hasn't forgiven himself yet, and that if he wants to forgive himself, redeem himself by continuing to be a great boyfriend. This guy made me so extremely happy and really was a fantastic boyfriend but he's hating himself for what he did and hates himself because he can't afford to constantly buy me things and bring me out lots, but I don't want that. We do go out lots, but he feels bad that he can't afford to spoil me rotten. I don't need or want that. I hate when guys spend money on me, I like to be pretty much equal (you look after me one night, I look after you the next), but he's honing in on this as being one other thing that makes him a bad boyfriend.

He said he needs to think and will let me know tomorrow what he thinks. If he wants to try again, can someone give me tips for how to help him forgive himself and also even give him some straight forward advice for himself (because I'll be showing him this thread if we do get back together). If he doesn't, can you please help me to basically cope with this? I'm heartbroken, I love this guy and I can't face the thought of losing him...

holyhead

Men are proud and want to treat the girl in there life to a good time. He also obviously has pride in himself and feels he let himself down in not being as good to you as he felt he should have been. Give him time. Let him miss you. I certainly would'nt bombard him with communications. A line every few days to let him know your thinking of him and that you miss him, cherish him etc may persuade him that he has more to gain by re-engaging with you than staying disconnected.

Karen8

He cheated on you and you ask us how to make him feel better? Shouldnt it be otherwise?
Sorry to sound harsh but i think there's another reason of dumping (and potentially cheating too). Talking is the best way to find it. All the best.

Chips Lovell

"You deserve better" is really another way of saying "it's not you, it's me".

tiny_penguin

Karen8 wrote: »

He cheated on you and you ask us how to make him feel better? Shouldnt it be otherwise?
Sorry to sound harsh but i think there's another reason of dumping (and potentially cheating too). Talking is the best way to find it. All the best.

This!!

My ex used to do this when he cheated on me or hit me. He used to dump me so that the focus could be turned around onto him. Instead of him having to try to be a better boyfriend I would then have to convince him that he did deserve me and how great he really is.

I'm not saying that is definitly what your boyfriend is doing, but it does sound like he wants to break up anyway or he is trying to shift focus and blame away from himself.

Bottle_of_Smoke

he doesn't want to be with you anymore but hasn't got the courage to admit that

gypsy_rose

I'm so sorry to say this to you OP but I agree with bottle of smoke, if you really want someone you will cling on to them with all you have and not let go, and if you've done something wrong you do everything you can to make it up, but you don't dump them, he just doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore for whatever reason, sorry.

gypsy_rose

In terms of advice for breaking up, I'm afraid all that will cure it in the long run is time. In the short term, meet your friends, go out, keep busy with college/work/whatever and in time you will feel better. It will take some time though, I'm finding that at the moment myself, but plenty of people are going through what you are and it happens to everyone, we all get through it.

Esoteric_

Thanks guys. I don't necessarily agree with a lot of what was said, but at the same time I need to see unbiased opinions and it's helping, so thank you.

We spoke today, and I basically called him spineless for taking the easy way out to alleviate his guilt rather than deal with the consequences of what he did. He didn't take that too well. But yeah, we're not getting back together.

I've cried myself dry right now, but any support would be helpful right now because I know I won't be as calm tomorrow as I am being right now. I know it's gonna hurt like hell, even more than it does right now. So some words of support would be greatly appreciated.

binxeo

Ok, this might seem a bit harsh but it is the only way I can do this.

I went through exactly the same thing in the past, BF emotionally cheated on me, I wasn't in a great place at the time, we drifted a bit and he turned to another woman via text/phone for emotional support, friendship...etc. When I found out I lost the plot the guy ended up with a black eye. The long and short of it was he knew he was wrong, knew he was guilty of hurting me....but he didn't use that to break up with me, in fact he stayed to prove he was good enough to be with me... So I think there are other reasons your ex dumped you. I don't think it was guilt, I think it could quite easily be the person he emotionally cheated on you with.

So here is what you do, count your blessings he is out of you life, do this for a number of reasons. 1. He wasn't strong enough to wait for you to get through your depression. 2. He didn't have the decency to be honest with you when breaking up with. So as much as you loved him, these are two big things I think for you to be glad to see the back of him.

It is going to hurt like hell but time is a great healer, you need to be strong for you and you can be. We all have so much strength inside us. You will be fine. Just keep focused on stuff and try and meet up with friends as much as you can. It will work out in the end!

Sorry if I sounds harsh, I am a tough love kinda person, I don't know how to be any other way. But I am trying to be helpful

homerjay2005

what is emotional cheating?

ibarelycare

Vladimir Kurtains wrote: »

"You deserve better" is really another way of saying "it's not you, it's me".

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

he doesn't want to be with you anymore but hasn't got the courage to admit that

Basically, these.

OP I'm going through a similar experience at the moment. I got the whole shpiel... "I'm too selfish for a relationship right now", "You deserve someone who can give you more" etc etc. It came to me desperately begging him to change his mind and telling him that I'd wait for him while he sorted his head out, to realise that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm absolutely heartbroken and devastated but the day that he told me that he wasn't going to change his mind was a huge turning point and gave a much-needed finality to the relationship and it let me start moving on.

Hopefully your bf will be completely honest with you and not keep stringing you along until he decides what he wants.

Esoteric_

Thank you for the advice, everyone.

We met up yesterday to talk things out, and there are other factors to him breaking up with me. None of them are his fault, but he basically has too much on his plate with some major family issues and pressures and there's a strong chance that he will have to move away from Ireland for a few months or even a year, and he can't make plans because of the family issues (don't wanna get into an explanation of them because it is his business, but he explained fully), and he doesn't want to put me through that, which I understand.

He was gonna think about it all last night, and said today that he knows he's hurting me now but can't face leaving me in a relationship where I'm unsure, not knowing what'll happen one day to the next, which I understand. Hurts like you wouldn't believe, but I do understand it.

He's been very good about it, too. Understanding when I want contact, because I was admittedly extremely full on with it over the last few days, didn't snap at me at all, spoke to me when I needed it and his best friend (also a really good friend of mine) has been giving me support, along with my best friend.

So although it hurts like nothing I can describe, I'm trying to accept it. We want to work on things so that we can be friends, but I have told him today that I need some space (we were planning to meet up on the weekend) and that I can text and stuff but I need space and not to meet up, not just yet. I need to wait until the initial pain is over. I don't want to wait, but I know logically it'll only help us both to get past this and get rid of the love if we have space.

I'm absolutely dreading work on Wednesday, though. Everyone will be asking me about it Can anyone give me tips to get through that? And just advice in general? I can't meet up with my friends til Sunday because of their and my work committments, so I can't keep myself busy for a while

So... any advice for me guys? I know the advice I'll get but I still need to hear it because I'm shattered right now.

ibarelycare

You poor thing, I've been going through exactly the same over the past 10 days and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it's the worst pain in the world. Worst of all is people telling me "it'll get easier" when, in your head, you can't imagine that it will. But it will. I'm still completely crushed and heartbroken but I've been surrounding myself with friends and keeping myself as busy as possible and making plans to keep myself distracted. Cry loads, it really helps

As for contact, I told my bf (ex bf, can't get used to saying that) first of all that I wanted no contact, I wanted to delete him and all his friends off FB and told him he was to do the same as it would be too hard for me to see what he was up to and for us to stay friends. Within a few hours I realised I didn't want that and I text him to tell him, but he told me he'd already decided to close down his FB account for a while because he didn't want to have to deal with people. I'm so, so grateful that he's done that. It's hard enough having the temptation of looking at happy pictures of us on mine and my friends pages, but to see him randomly popping up on my news feed would be like a punch in the stomach every time. After the first couple of days and lots of drunken texting we agreed to not talk for a month to give each other space. But that only lasted a couple of days before I text him again, and we spoke on the phone and he basically dashed any hopes I had of a reconciliation. The next day I actually felt more human than I had in days. I think that's when I hit the "acceptance" phase!! Every day is really tough, but the unhappy periods are getting shorter and the positive and happy thoughts are becoming more prominent. I text him again today and we discussed the possibility of being friends again at some stage but we have to see how that pans out and it won't be happening anytime soon.

As for work, is there any way you can avoid talking about the situation? Or have you already discussed it with your colleagues? I have my own office so don't have a huge amount of contact with people, and I managed to spend all my lunchtimes last week on my own but today I told a couple of people, didn't go into much detail but just told them we broke up. If you have people you're close to in work, try and get to talk to them as early as possible in the day, get it out of the way, have a little cry if you need to and then you can avoid any awkward or uncomfortable conversations.

Sorry, I realise I'm kind of taking over here with my own big long shpiel but I'm just sharing my experience with you. I have the hugest sympathy for you right now and I just want to give you a big hug because I know exactly what you're going through. Just keep strong and try and be positive. I was driving home from work this evening and it just hit me how far I've come in a week. Last Monday night I was crying the whole drive home. This evening I was thinking happy thoughts. Looking forward to some things that are planned over the next couple of months and just looking forward to a new start really. I'm nearly feeling guilty and like a bad person because I really have just lost the love of my life and the person I was convinced I'd be with forever but I'm glad the worst of it is over.

I know you're probably reading this thinking "Oh STFU I'm never going to be ok that quickly" (:P) and I swear to you, this day last week the thoughts of just carrying on with normal life were painfully difficult but you just have to power on through. Cry, get angry, reminisce, get drunk, get drunker but just keep remembering that time is a great healer and hopefully you'll surprise yourself by waking up in a week and thinking "today is going to be a good day and I'm going to be as happy as much as I can be." I really wish you the best of luck and another big *hug* for you xx