Should I get a new minder

LegacyUser

i am hoping some of you might be able to advise me on an issue im having with childcare for my daughter. She is 11 and too young to be left alone while myself and her dad are at work, but I'm hoping that in another year, we can look at that situation again.

She has been minded by a lady for 6 years now. She has always been very happy there, until recently when herself and the 11yr old daughter of the lady, have stopped being friends. The bottom line is that my daughter has outgrown this girl - they have completely different interests and my daughter is getting more and more distressed at having to spend time with her every day. I'm not saying my daughter is right and this girl is wrong - they are just different children and as they have gotten older, that has become more and more obvious to me.
Since she went back to school in september, she has been begging me to find someone new to mind her. The truth is, I haven't even tried to do this yet as I kept hoping she'd just relax and get on with this girl again..but that hasn't happened. I would find it difficult to find another person to mind her - she has some afterschool activities that this lady brings her too also, so it would be hard for someone else to take all of this on.

I also don't want to fall out with this lady as she has been a good friend to me over the years. I don't know what to do?

RubyGirl

I would say no to her, unless this girl is being nasty to her in the childminders or something else. I would expain to her that she not going to be best friends with everyone in life but she need's to learn to get on with people. What happens when she gets her first job or similar and she does'nt like a co-worker? or what if you did find a new sitter who also minds small children that are noisy and cry all evening while she's there, will you move her again.

Tell her to tough is out for another year and she'll be old enough to mind herself then.

cynder

I would also put my foot down. I agree with ruby girl.

LegacyUser

The girl IS being nasty to her in the minders. I have had to speak to her mum about it on more than one occassion. I don't want to get into too much detail about what's going on between my daughter and this girl, as her mum also uses this site - but my daughter is justified in not wanting to be in this girls company in my opinion.

Are you both saying i shouldn't even consider my daughters thoughts on the matter?
Should we not consider childrens feelings in any walk of life?

silly

Yes, my initial reaction would be to tell her no also.
You are the adult. She is the child.
If the girls aren't physically killing eachother, then I would see no point in disturbing things. I'm sure your friend /childminder would be very hurt if you find someone else after 6 years. For the sake of a year....

meemeep

just another point of view - even at 12 - is she really ok to be on her own? How long would it be for each day. Genuinely interested as I will be in a similar situation soon but my 13 year old is not very happy being alone for long. An hour maybe but that's it, and not every day. So perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad idea to start looking now.

How Strange

I agree with the others that you shouldn't look for another minder for that reason. I think she's old enough to understand that this is part of life. Friendships wax and wane but she can't run away because they're not best buddies anymore. She's probably only there for 3 hours a day so I don't think it's reasonable to go through stress and hassle to find a new minder just because the two girls are no longer close.

Glinda

Wouldn't it be a bit rough on your minder, losing her job (which you say she's been doing perfectly well) .

I think it's only fair that this is decided on an adult level, i.e. you as an adult are either happy with how the minder is doing her job or not.

Your daughter's opinion shouldn't carry so much weight as to be allowed impact so profoundly on another person unless there is a really good reason.(Different situation if there's bullying or something going on of course, but from what you say there isn't).

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote: »

I agree with the others that you shouldn't look for another minder for that reason. I think she's old enough to understand that this is part of life. Friendships wax and wane but she can't run away because they're not best buddies anymore. She's probably only there for 3 hours a day so I don't think it's reasonable to go through stress and hassle to find a new minder just because the two girls are no longer close.

She spends 4.5 hours there per day.

I think you are all being very hard on my daughter here. She doesn't like this girl and is very stressed when I pick her up in the evenings. She is holding it all in because she also doesn't want to upset the mother, and let her know how hard she's finding things - she is very fond of the mother of course.

I don't think it's a case of her running away from stuff if I change minders...surely I shouldn't force her to be in the company of someone she doesn't like day in, day out??

xxkazxx

unregistered wrote: »

She spends 4.5 hours there per day.

I think you are all being very hard on my daughter here. She doesn't like this girl and is very stressed when I pick her up in the evenings. She is holding it all in because she also doesn't want to upset the mother, and let her know how hard she's finding things - she is very fond of the mother of course.

I don't think it's a case of her running away from stuff if I change minders...surely I shouldn't force her to be in the company of someone she doesn't like day in, day out??

Hi OP,

I don't believe that anyone is being hard on your daughter, it seems to me that you have already decided what you want to do and that you are looking for people to agree with you and justify your decision so that maybe you dont feel bad??

I think you need to explain to your daughter that just because she is getting minded at this house it doesn't mean she has to be best friends with this girl and she can just do her own thing when she is there, they don't have to play together if she doesn't want too.

I wouldn't get rid of a perfectly good minder that you obviously trust for this reason alone, and you always run the risk of getting a new minder that your daughter doesn't like either.

How Strange

I don't think we're being hard on your daughter at all. You seem to have your mind made up and want us to agree with you. Of course it's your daughter so find another minder if that's what you think is best but don't necessarily expect the same level of care. This woman has known and cared for your daughter for 6 years and you say yourself that she was very happy there until recently.

What happens if she doesn't like the next minder as much as the last and begs you to find another?

secsm

You say that your daughter is very stressed coming out of the house each day....well there has to be a valid reason for that, you dont mention if she has told you exactly what has been going on and how long this has been going on for but I think you should listen to your daughter and if you as her mother feel that her current situation is really affecting her then you need to do what ever it takes to make her feel like you are listening to her and you are there for her. Yes I agree that we can not let our kids run rings around us or dicatate to us but I think there is a difference between that and listening, understanding and responding to their needs.

Acoshla

That exact thing happened to me. My childminder's daughter was a few months older than me but a year ahead, up until 11 we were fine together, then we just grew apart, it was only the situation keeping us in contact with each other. I hated every day of it from then on, she was quite cruel to me, but there was no other option of somewhere for me to go, so much as I hated it my mother kept me there, I was safe, fed, so had to stick it out.

.....I snapped one day and left, walked the 30 minute walk from my childminder's to my mother's office and begged her not to make me go back there, I was 12 at the time. After that I went home to my own house after school, I was only alone for about 2 hours in the evening but I do think I was a bit young to be on my own. In my situation it was the only option as it would have been very detrimental for me to stay there any longer, but I would keep her there as long as you can really. It's a good life lesson, to tolerate someone you dislike and to learn how to stand up for yourself, it did me good in the long run, great practice for future colleagues!

qwertytlk

You seem to have already made up your mind! But if you feel in a years time your daughter would be old enoigh to stay on her own for 4.5 hours per day and get herself to and from her aftre school activities then just explain that situation and ask her if she cannot wait untill then. Otherwise would it be possible to get a family member/friend to step in on a temp basis untill the year is out, so you dont have to go to the hassle to find another childminder?

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

The girl IS being nasty to her in the minders. I have had to speak to her mum about it on more than one occassion.

I think people might be a bit hard on the daughter as well, after reading this.
If she's that miserable then yes find someone else

Moonbeam

I agree that you are the parent and that she is the child and you decide what happens but..
A child is a person too with their own emotions and stuff to deal with.
We wouldn't like going to the office every day and dealing with someone being nasty to us,we would probably report them to a higher authoritytry to talk to them about it or leave.
When the higher authority is the other persons mother it can be very easy to get given out to or your complaints ignore as the mother might favour their own child.
I would sit down with her and have an honest open discussion let her explain her side,you listen and then you explain to her why this minder suits you and then discuss it.
I think you will both feel better after it.

implausible

How can things be this bad and the minder hasn't noticed? Surely, if there is tension and nastiness between them, this woman must have picked up on it.

You need to speak to her, figure out what exactly is going on (your daughter may be telling the truth, but 12 year old girls can also be prone to dramatics) and figure out a way that you and the minder can sort it e.g. different rooms for each of them to do homework in. If it can't be sorted, then your minder will surely understand that if her child is in conflict with your child, then the whole situation is untenable.

I am a friend

unregistered wrote: »

The girl IS being nasty to her in the minders. I have had to speak to her mum about it on more than one occassion.

You didnt say this at the start where people posted on the basis of the information you provided. As others have said, you seem to have made up your mind - just dont lambaste people for having different opinions to you when you dont provide the full picture.

liu83

I am a friend wrote: »

You didnt say this at the start where people posted on the basis of the information you provided. As others have said, you seem to have made up your mind - just dont lambaste people for having different opinions to you when you dont provide the full picture.

This person explained that she doesn't want to give too much detail as her childminder is the forum user too.
You can't blame her for not telling every detail.
But of course it seems like the mother did make up her own mind. I was in a similar position myself as a child and I can tell you it did me little good.
I must agree with her about going to look for someone else.
If you don't try, you never succeed.