Backfired & shot through the heart!

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I wrote on here a while ago about a problem I was having with my bf and got some great advice.

To summarise, I moved to a foreign country a few months ago and got on really well with my new flatmate. He told me after only 2 weeks that he had fallen for me but I didn't feel the same way and we continued on as just flatmates.

However, one drunken night we ended up sh*gging and it felt so right that I started looking at him with different eyes. The relationship was very whirlwind and intense with him saying he loved me to bits, wanted me to meet his family, invited me a wedding next year, made me breakfast in bed every morning....you get the picture.

I liked him but it was all too much so I started treated him badly and he ended it.

Anyway, since then I realised how much I really do love him so I tried very hard to win him back. I did this the following ways -

1) Got myself a job and told my boss I could work every waking hour. I did this to give him plenty of space and time to sort his head out, hang out with friends, miss me a little etc.

2) Took up every offer of going out after work with my co-workers. I work in a bar so there's always people going out afterwards. So even on my days off I was rarely in the apartment. I wanted to give him as much space as possible as he had claimed that he needed space to think.

3) When I did see him, I acted friendly and nice and asked him about his day etc but I never once acted like I wanted him back.

So, the trouble now is that I feel like I did everything right. I gave him all the space in the world he needed and then yesterday, he came to me and said that he'd never get back with me so that I should lose all hope. I was humiliated and also insulted that he was so arrogant to think I was pining for him. I told him I didn't want him back and asked why he thought I did and he just said 'It's obvious you still have feelings and are going out to make me jealous - stop it, it's not gonna work'.

I am so f*cking angry right now at him and at myself. I am rarely in the apartment and also am moving out on payday which is December 1st. I gave him all the space in the world, didn't text him or phone him, made new friends, was out all the time and yet he still ends it again telling me to get over it!!

Sorry for rambling on but I'm sitting here right now feeling sick to my stomach. I could barley sleep last night and am gonna be wrecked in work later. I also have very little money but spent loads on going out just to give him space and peace and it was all for nothing.

Don't know what I'm asking here but last time I posted it really helped. I just feel empty and lost and sick and angry and confused. Was he lying all along? Has he met someone else? What the hell is going on:(

Sleepy

If I remember right, you treated him like dirt. There's no lying involved: he doesn't like the person you are anymore and is getting some last digs in before never seeing you again.

Beruthiel

Shotgun, you messed with his head and heart big time.
You've hurt him deeply.
Once bitten, twice shy.
I believe you have burned your bridges there and your chances of renewing any kind of relationship with him are slim to none.
You cannot treat another person that appallingly and think it is acceptable.
I would chalk it down to experience and move on if I were you.

LittleBook

Shotgun101 wrote: »

since then I realised how much I really do love him so I tried very hard to win him back

...

he came to me and said that he'd never get back with me so that I should lose all hope. I was humiliated and also insulted that he was so arrogant to think I was pining for him. I told him I didn't want him back and asked why he thought I did and he just said 'It's obvious you still have feelings and are going out to make me jealous - stop it, it's not gonna work'.

At risk of stating the obvious, you were pining for him. People who are in love wear their hearts on their sleeves, no matter how well they think they are hiding it.

I'm sorry OP but I remember your last thread you weren't shot through the heart, you shot yourself in the foot. By your own admission you treated him badly while he adored you, it's understandable that he's hurt and there's no going back.

By your recent actions you gave him what every rejected lover craves, the chance to reject you back. It's not cruel, it's just human.

I see no indication that he lied about anything or that he's seeing someone else, anyone would find it difficult to manage the situation he found himself in and the fact that he's made his feelings clear will (eventually) make it easier for you to move on.

LegacyUser

I guess you guys are right.

I know I treated him badly but I am genuinely sorry and have assessed the reasons why. I know why I did it and therefore will not do it again.

He said to me a while ago 'The doors of communication are always open' but I guess he was just softening the blow. I've tried to show him that I'm remorseful by my actions and not just my words. For example, before if I woke up late for work I'd get really angry at him for not waking me (he doesn't work...well he works the odd shift) but now if I wake up late or something I take the responsibilty myself.

I guess none of this matters. Fact is he doesn't love me and I don't believe he ever did.

Couples have done much worse to each other then what I did and have bounced back stronger from it but that's only because they obviously both want to. My ex treated me really badly (violently even ) and I stupidly forgave him because I truly loved him.

This is so sh*t. Oh and also he is 100% fine so if he really was/is that hurt, he sure as hell knows how to hide it.

He seems in great form so he can't have been hurt that f*cking badly!!!

Oryx

'It's obvious you still have feelings and are going out to make me jealous - stop it, it's not gonna work'.

This stings because he is right. You said so yourself.

He seems in great form so he can't have been hurt that f*cking badly!!!

For gods sake stop getting angry with him for coping. So what if he seems ok? You gave the very same impression to him, but to us here, you call it 'giving him space'.

Sounds like you were playing emotional games, and now rather than face your own hurt, you want to get mad at him. Leave him alone, suck up the pain, learn from it.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Well first of all, good for him. He's not a doormat. Perhaps because you were in an abusive relationship previously and acted the pathetic doormat for another person you thought he would do the same for you? What the f*ck has you being late for work got to do with him? The fact you seem to be patting yourself on the back for "taking responsibility" for you own work schedule speaks volumes to me. You honestly sound like you don't have a clue how to be in a healthy relationship, you treated him like crap and now you're paying the price. Take this as a learning experience and for the love of god stop messing with his head and trying to control him, it's just pathetic. Finally, get into councelling because you really need help if you can't see that you are 100% in the wrong here and that the smartest thing he ever did was get away from you.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Well first of all, good for him. He's not a doormat. Perhaps because you were in an abusive relationship previously and acted the pathetic doormat for another person you thought he would do the same for you? What the f*ck has you being late for work got to do with him? The fact you seem to be patting yourself on the back for "taking responsibility" for you own work schedule speaks volumes to me. You honestly sound like you don't have a clue how to be in a healthy relationship, you treated him like crap and now you're paying the price. Take this as a learning experience and for the love of god stop messing with his head and trying to control him, it's just pathetic. Finally, get into councelling because you really need help if you can't see that you are 100% in the wrong here and that the smartest thing he ever did was get away from you.

Best of luck.

I already admitted that I was 100% wrong but people make mistakes and I'm trying to mend mine.

He asked me to give him some space so I did exactly that. He said he needed time alone so I stayed out of the apartment as much as possible. How is that controlling him??

It's been an emotional rollercoaster. He said he was in love with me after only 2 weeks. He was really intense about his love for me and it scared me so I pushed him away. I finally pushed him too far and I recognise that but that hardly makes me a bad person!

I'm actually a very kind sweet girl so please don't be so hard on me. I am heart broken and doing all I can to give him space and peace. I'm just feeling empty and lost. I feel confused and it's great being able to vent here as opposed to getting angry at him. I'm hurt but I'm trying my best to move on. I know it's over and I'm not trying to win him back anymore. He said give me some space and then we can talk. I gave him said space and he said it's still over so now I know where I stand I can start moving on.

Sleepy

OP, it's very easy to get over someone who's been horrible to you. It doesn't mean you didn't have feelings for them in the first place.

Now stop trying to blame him for how you feel, stop feeling sorry for yourself, accept that these are the consequences of your own actions and get on with your life a little wiser than you were before.

Please Kill Me

@ OP - sorry to be so harsh, but you made your bed, lie in it!! You can't f**k with people's heads and hearts and expect to get of lightly! Learn from it and move on!

LegacyUser

Please Kill Me wrote: »

@ OP - sorry to be so harsh, but you made your bed, lie in it!! You can't f**k wih people's heads and hearts and expect to get of lightly! Learn from it and move on!

That's what I'm trying to do!!!

I know that's exactly what I need to do but letting go is killing me:(

God, this is so hard. I hate break ups!! I always thought that if you've been through one break up the next time round it would be easier because you'd have learnt survival techniques etc.
It's not though, this is just as hard as my last break up if not harder:(

daisybelle2008

OP is sounds like you are more p8ssed off about not getting your own way than losing him. To be honest though, I would be very wary of someone who was declaring their love after 2 weeks. It is full on and insincere and in no way true. So really you have not lost anything as he did not even know you when he said that.
Nobody is saying you are a bad person! But you have had a bad history with relationships so really take things very slow the next time and get to know the person so you can rely on them and you are mature enough to treat people how you would like to be treated back.
Look at it as a good thing for both of you as you clearly are not suited.
While you respected his wishes and gave him space, you did it with an agenda and that never works. You have some kind of 'closure' and moving out soon and have work and new friends. He will soon be a distant memory. Your anger at him is totally misplaced and only bruising yourself.

ibarelycare

OP you really seem to be playing the victim here.

Shotgun101 wrote: »

For example, before if I woke up late for work I'd get really angry at him for not waking me (he doesn't work...well he works the odd shift) but now if I wake up late or something I take the responsibilty myself.

You're looking for a pat on the back for taking responsibility for waking up for work in the morning instead of blaming it on someone who doesn't even have to get up? Baffled...

Shotgun101 wrote: »

I guess none of this matters. Fact is he doesn't love me and I don't believe he ever did.

I'm sure he did love you, but the reason he's so happy now is probably because he realises he had a lucky escape from a horrible relationship.

Distorted

Shotgun101 wrote: »

The relationship was very whirlwind and intense with him saying he loved me to bits, wanted me to meet his family, invited me a wedding next year, made me breakfast in bed every morning....you get the picture.

I'm another who doesn't quite believe that he is all that heartbroken. Sounds like as soon as you actually started to fall for him, he bailed. If he loved you that much, of course he would forgive you. I doubt you believed that he loved you when he said it either, basically he didn't know you then so while he could be in lust for you, I doubt its true love, which involves knowing a person's flaws, forgiving them, giving them second chances, working at the relationship, putting the other person first, etc..

I think he's a head***k. I bet as soon as you get out of there, establish yourself in a new circle, you won't look back. And you'll wonder why you ever were so bothered about him. Its not a long relationship, you'll get over it quickly.

Also I suspect you're all at odds because you've moved to a foreign country, are insecure and clutching at anything that feels familiar. Its a great opportunity, so make the most of it by dropping all contact with this guy and leaving him to his little games, pity the next new "victim" that innocently crosses his path...because you can bet if he is declaring undying love after 2 weeks then changing his mind just as quickly, you're only one of many...

Please Kill Me

Shotgun101 wrote: »

I hate break ups!! I always thought that if you've been through one break up the next time round it would be easier because you'd have learnt survival techniques etc.

It's never an easy thing, it doesn't matter if you've done it twice or ten times. It's always going to be hard for different reasons. All you can do is move on. Get yourself back out there and don't make the same mistake again.

I am a friend

Sleepy wrote: »

OP, it's very easy to get over someone who's been horrible to you. It doesn't mean you didn't have feelings for them in the first place.

.

Exactly - unless you are a glutton for punishment the easiest way to forget about an ex is to think of all the ways they threated you badly. You treated him badly and it turned him off you totally so I dont get why you are on here whinging... Learn from it.