Past coming back to haunt you...

willmunny1990

I have a past, as does everyone and there are somethings in it id like to forget, which i'm sure is the same for most of us.

I posted a thread a while ago about hitting my girlfriend during an argument, anyway without getting into that my issue is I've met someone else and my actions appear to be coming back to haunt me.

I really like the girl I've met and id like to take it to the next level as did she. The problem is somebody told her of the past incident. She confronted me about it and i told her the truth and the situation i was in at the time, but ever since i told her shes become cold and distant towards me.

She barely takes my calls and always has an excuse of why she cant meet up.

Is there anyway i can explain to her my previous actions were a once off and that they were the result of a painful and outrageous circumstance that was forced upon me of which i had no control over?

I am a friend

You can ask her for the opportunity to explain to her but if she doesnt want to know then you have to take it on the chin and move on.

Firetrap

From a woman's point of view, if I found out that my new boyfriend had hit a previous girlfriend, I'd not want anything whatsoever to do with him after that. The way I see it, if a man is capable of crossing that line and hitting a woman once, there's no guarantee he won't do it again.

willmunny1990

Firetrap wrote: »

From a woman's point of view, if I found out that my new boyfriend had hit a previous girlfriend, I'd not want anything whatsoever to do with him after that. The way I see it, if a man is capable of crossing that line and hitting a woman once, there's no guarantee he won't do it again.

I don't think that's entirely fair. Life and people, both men/women can be extremely cruel. I think everyone is entitled to get their side of the story out.

Not everyone who hits a woman once goes on to be a woman beater. It appears so easy for people to condemn the person who cracked while simply forgetting what drove him to it.

Firetrap

Sorry Will but I'm being honest here. This conversation has cropped up too in my female group of friends and I am not the only one who holds this point of view. You can argue that we are being horribly unfair - maybe we are - but I'm just letting you know where we're coming from.

estar

You did have control over it. You are better off owning it and saying you regret it can't change it and would never do it again. Even if she hit you and you hit her back you still controlled it. no judgement just saying blaming the situation looks worse than owning your behavior. why don't you talk up front and ask her to let you prove yourself over time.

hairyprincess

Maybe she has had a past experience of a man hitting her before and is reluctant to get into a relationship again with someone who has hit previously.
You need to look at it from her point of view. Give her the space she needs to get her head around it.

Mighty_Mouse

If my sister was with a guy who slapped a previous gf....?
I'd want the relationship ended immediately.

The only way I could be sure there was 0% of it happening again, is if said person had a completely transformed their personality.
These type of deep-rooted personality changes take years.

Sorry, thats the penalty to hitting a woman.

willmunny1990

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

If my sister was with a guy who slapped a previous gf....?
I'd want the relationship ended immediately.

The only way I could be sure there was 0% of it happening again, is if said person had a completely transformed their personality.
These type of deep-rooted personality changes take years.

Sorry, thats the penalty to hitting a woman.

You see that's my point.
If someone snaps in a heated row does that mean they have some deep-rooted problem? No it doesn't. Should you be expected to change your whole personality? No.

Anyone, Man/Woman can lash out at anytime if pushed enough. If a woman lashes out and hits a man its widely excepted and brushed aside but vice-versa and you get the "woman-beater" tag branded on your forehead.

I think this is wrong.

I am a friend

Op that's the way it is... You have to live with the reality of what you have done. It's not right for a girl to hit a guy either so get off that high horse. What you did do is wrong and this reaction from the girl is the result of your actions. On here, whinging to us will not change peoples views so move on and leave it behind by not doing it again.

Distorted

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I have a past, as does everyone and there are somethings in it id like to forget, which i'm sure is the same for most of us.

Is there anyway i can explain to her my previous actions were a once off and that they were the result of a painful and outrageous circumstance that was forced upon me of which i had no control over?

I remember your previous posts and it always struck me that it was your inability to accept responsibility for your own actions that was almost as disturbing as the act itself. I cannot imagine that someone who blamed their previous girlfriend for him hitting her goes down too well with new girlfriends. It also sounds too much like what all those wife batterers say to justify their actions. ie it sounds like an excuse.

Whatever you say, its obvious that you do have a certain reputation in your local area, so its probably niave to assume this will all be swept under the carpet, like the "past" you refer to everyone having. You seem unable to distinguish between hitting your girlfriend and being late for work, for example.

I think you're going to be stuck in this loop until you do something that really breaks you out of it, whether that means getting your ex girlfriend on side by showing her you really have changed, or taking counselling and admitting you have a problem.

Firetrap

I looked up your previous post to refresh my memory and was shocked. (Mods: Hope it's OK to link to the OP's original post, seeing as it relates to this?)

Your ex doesn't cover herself in glory either - giving away your dog behind your back was a horrible thing to do. But...you have to accept that your way of handling this was shockingly violent. You did punch the girl in the face and scream at her that you'd kill her if she didn't tell you where she'd left the dog. You could have handled the issue in other ways but your action of choice was to punch her in the face.

No matter how you argue that you were provoked, that it was a once-off and that it's unfair, you have to accept that you are capable of doing such things. There's no point in complaining that people, especially women, are revulsed when they hear stories like this one. It's the way things are. Most men go through life without ever laying a finger on a woman, no matter how annoyed they are. Who knows what went through this new girl's mind but she could well have been wondering how you'd react if ye had a big row. Another bang to the schnoz?

You are the one who needs to do some cleaning up of your own reputation. Go get some anger management classes, for starters. Other therapy. Like it or not, you've now got a bad reputation and you need to fix it.

Mighty_Mouse

If a woman lashes out and hits a man its widely excepted and brushed aside

It's not equal.
A woman is basically defenceless towards an agressive violent man.
To attack the weak is unforgiveable.

Should you be expected to change your whole personality? No.

Yes, Your values as a man & as a human-being are deeply flawed.

LegacyUser

I hit my ex girlfriend 4 years ago and believe me it is not something that will ever leave you.

I haven't had a relationship since. I actively avoid situations where I could end up in one.

I have been to counselling and have been studying anger management techniques.

There is absolutely no argument - I need to make deep personal changes before I can even contemplate getting into a relationship again _ And SO DO YOU.

When it happened I was provoked - I was drunk - I was on drugs . I don't take drugs any more and I have lost most of my friends due to the changes I have made.

I am still in contact with my ex, we broke up nearly 2 years ago (yes, she tried to give me a second chance - it was too hard) I think she knew it was totally out of character - but never the less IT HAPPENED.

I am dealing with it - And you need to as well - forget your new relationship and face the consequences of you actions.

iguana

Firetrap wrote: »

Most men go through life without ever laying a finger on a woman, no matter how annoyed they are. Who knows what went through this new girl's mind but she could well have been wondering how you'd react if ye had a big row. Another bang to the schnoz?

Hang on, the guy was trying to save his dog's life from the woman who maliciously tried to kill it. She provoked him beyond reason, and you are comparing it to 'annoyed' or a 'big row' the woman tried to kill his loved one and wouldn't tell him how to save it from sheer spite. I don't approve of violence, I've been in a physically abusive relationship and I would normally be utterly scathing of any similar man but to be quite honest I don't blame the OP one bit for his reaction.

The OP seems to have been in an abusive relationship all right but it is his ex who was the abuser, ideally he shouldn't have lashed out the way he did but I'd no more blame him for what he did than I'd blame an abused wife for picking up an iron bar and killing her husband with it.

OP, I can understand why the new girl is reacting as she is and if you have told her your side of the story and she doesn't want to continue the relationship then you need to accept that. Some women will understand your what happened and will be willing to give a relationship a go, others won't. It will be harder for you, there is unfortunately no getting away from that, I strongly suggest that you are open and honest from the start of any relationship about what happened. If someone hears it from you first they are more likely to listen to your side of the story properly, if they hear it from someone else you will come off a lot worse. I hope your dog is ok.

curlzy

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

It's not equal.
A woman is basically defenceless towards an agressive violent man.
To attack the weak is unforgiveable.

Yes, Your values as a man & as a human-being are deeply flawed.

While I recognise you're a gent and that's admirable, I would disagree. It's never ever ever ever ok to hit, not for a man, not for a woman, size doesn't come into it. My bf is 6'4" and built, I'm 8 stone, it's still not ok for me to hit him, it's just not, and never is, excusable to hit someone. It's just ESPECIALLY bad to hit someone smaller i.e. a man hitting a woman. Again Mighty Mouse I think you sentiment is very honourable and admirable but both sexes need to recognise this is never justified.


I remember you OP, your partner steals and tries to kill your dog? Call the police, don't punch your partner in the face. While some think this is justified it's NOT, that's why there are LAWS against domestic abuse. The fact you try to justify this just makes you even more unattractive and any woman with a bit of sense will steer clear of you. Get into councelling, own up to what you did to yourself and stop making excuses. It's just pathetic to be honest.

willmunny1990

been there OP wrote: »

I hit my ex girlfriend 4 years ago and believe me it is not something that will ever leave you.

I haven't had a relationship since. I actively avoid situations where I could end up in one.

I have been to counselling and have been studying anger management techniques.

There is absolutely no argument - I need to make deep personal changes before I can even contemplate getting into a relationship again _ And SO DO YOU.

When it happened I was provoked - I was drunk - I was on drugs . I don't take drugs any more and I have lost most of my friends due to the changes I have made.

I am still in contact with my ex, we broke up nearly 2 years ago (yes, she tried to give me a second chance - it was too hard) I think she knew it was totally out of character - but never the less IT HAPPENED.

I am dealing with it - And you need to as well - forget your new relationship and face the consequences of you actions.

Hang on a minute.

I believe your situation was a hell of a lot different to mine.
You admit you were on drink and drugs at the time which leads me to believe you've a problem with substance abuse. That can only make things worse and it drives people to snap easier.

I however was not drunk or on drugs i lashed out because of an outrageously callus act, which was mentioned above so i wont get into it.

I've never condoned the part i played in the situation but i don't believe i deserve to go on paying for it. It seems most people are quick to condemn me and then ignore or forget the other side of the coin.

I have moved on from the abusive relationship i was in and want to start fresh again, but is seems society has deemed me unworthy because I made a mistake. There are some terrible stories of violent partners and abusive relationships out there but this isn't one, iv'e just been thrown in to the "woman-beater" bracket for a once off incident.

The relationship with the girl in question maybe gone but i believe this will keep happening to me unless people change their mindset.

Animord

willmunny1990 wrote: »

The relationship with the girl in question maybe gone but i believe this will keep happening to me unless people change their mindset.

Hi Op, I have got to say first off that when I read your original posts I had a great deal of sympathy for you, I can completely see how faced with what she had done to you that day that you lashed out. And I can't in all honesty say that if someone had done that to my dog that I wouldn't have done the same.

However, your sentence above really changes it for me. Society is never going to "change their mindset" - it just isn't going to happen. It is never right for anyone to hit anyone else. It's a basic law of civilised society. Women are afraid of men that have a history of violence, no matter what the provocation is.

You seem to think that because you have admited that you were wrong that society must feel sorry for you and move on, but it just doesn't work like that.

The only way for you to get past this is to show that you have changed. You need to be absolutely truthful with any potential partners, be able to show what you have done to make sure it will never happen again and you seriously need to change your attitude - its not for me/us/society to change their mind set. You need to work on your own.

Distorted

So first of all you blame your ex girlfriend, and now you are blaming the whole of society, and say that "people" (in general?) should change their mindsets, while above you say you should not have to change your personality because of one incident?

I think you are confusing people's personal choice whether to date you or not with something else. You don't have a "right" to a girlfirned or something. I must say from what I've read from you, I formed the opinion that you had anger management issues, and were in denial about them. It may not just be the incident that put your latest girlfriend off, but other stuff as well (your original post mentions viewing porn and aside from the incident, a pretty nasty ending to a relationship).

I'm also pretty shocked that a few people consider dogs as important as humans. I don't believe the dog was in imminent danger and there were plenty of avenues to secure its return. Which indeed you managed. And we don't know why she arranged for the dog to be taken somewhere anyway (which turned out to be a safe holding place). Was the dog at risk, was there no-one to look after it while the pair of you were breaking up? Its not an unknown set of circumstances when a couple breaks up, but not everyone resorts to violence, thankfully.

I must admit I'm thinking if you consider an arguement over a dog to be justification for punching a partner in the face, you might consider other points of tension equally justifying of a slap (or worse). What would you do if a partner borrowed your car and crashed it, for example? Or got the pair of you into debt? Or just had a bad day and something minor happened? i.e. similar trigger factors.

rambutman

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

A woman is basically defenceless towards an agressive violent man.
To attack the weak is unforgiveable.

The reverse is true as well. Ever been attacked by a woman with a knife. Had a rock thrown at your head. Had a sweeping brush broken across your back when you walked in the door. There are such things as agressive violent women as well.
Hitting ANYONE is unacceptable............be they male, female, young or old

Mighty_Mouse

While I recognise you're a gent and that's admirable, I would disagree. It's never ever ever ever ok to hit, not for a man, not for a woman, size doesn't come into it.

As a rule across the board, fair enough.
But if we're to categorise the act;
The reality is most women could do little damage to a man.
The reality is a man can withstand a punch from another.
A man hitting a woman will cause severe damage everytime.
Its the lowest of the low. Its a cruel, animalistic, brutal, vile act.

I've never condoned the part i played in the situation but i don't believe i deserve to go on paying for it.

It seems most people are quick to condemn me and then ignore or forget the other side of the coin.

Read the above slowly repeatedly.
You have zero repentence for your actions.
"It was her fault, not mine, yet society judges me?"
"I did nothing wrong, she provoked me, if it's her fault why should I have to pay for her actions?
Why am I called a woman-beater when she deserved what she got?"

You're not a woman-beater if the woman deserves it, eh?

here are some terrible stories of violent partners and abusive relationships out there but this isn't one, iv'e just been thrown in to the "woman-beater" bracket for a once off incident

Every "woman-beater" in history could contextualise his actions.
The difference between you & them is time & circumstances.
Who will you be in 15 years time as the provocation required decreases?

Either you tackle this part of your personality properly now or it will re-occur & whichever poor woman provokes you next time will suffer "I told you so" from all who know her.

willmunny1990

Animord wrote: »

Hi Op, I have got to say first off that when I read your original posts I had a great deal of sympathy for you, I can completely see how faced with what she had done to you that day that you lashed out. And I can't in all honesty say that if someone had done that to my dog that I wouldn't have done the same.

However, your sentence above really changes it for me. Society is never going to "change their mindset" - it just isn't going to happen. It is never right for anyone to hit anyone else. It's a basic law of civilised society. Women are afraid of men that have a history of violence, no matter what the provocation is.

You seem to think that because you have admited that you were wrong that society must feel sorry for you and move on, but it just doesn't work like that.

The only way for you to get past this is to show that you have changed. You need to be absolutely truthful with any potential partners, be able to show what you have done to make sure it will never happen again and you seriously need to change your attitude - its not for me/us/society to change their mind set. You need to work on your own.

I'm not looking for society or anyone to change their mindsets on domestic abuse, i would however like people to understand that if a man hits a woman in a once off exceptional circumstance it doesn't automatically make him a woman beater in the stereotypical sense.

I am a friend

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I'm not looking for society or anyone to change their mindsets on domestic abuse, i would however like people to understand that if a man hits a woman in a once off exceptional circumstance it doesn't automatically make him a woman beater in the stereotypical sense.

You refuse to say you were wrong so it seems like you have learned nothing.

willmunny1990

I am a friend wrote: »

You refuse to say you were wrong so it seems like you have learned nothing.

Really?

Im aware what i did was wrong and it is out of character for me to do something like this

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=74290309&postcount=8

iguana

Distorted wrote: »

I don't believe the dog was in imminent danger and there were plenty of avenues to secure its return. Which indeed you managed. And we don't know why she arranged for the dog to be taken somewhere anyway (which turned out to be a safe holding place). Was the dog at risk, was there no-one to look after it while the pair of you were breaking up? Its not an unknown set of circumstances when a couple breaks up, but not everyone resorts to violence, thankfully.

What the hell are you talking about? Do you have the first clue about how the pound system in Ireland works? Clearly not. Dogs are brought to pounds to be put to sleep, that's not a nice nap by the way, but the permanent state of death. Supposedly dogs in pounds are given 5 days to be claimed but in reality dogs are often killed within an hour. The OP was extremely lucky to get his dog back. With the dog in the pound every minute was of the essence. What the girlfriend did was criminal and abusive in every sense of the world, not a lovely gesture in order to spare the dog a break up scene.

Not one single person said dogs are more important than humans but a dog is a family member and they are often loved by their owners in the same way. The scientific fact of the matter is that dogs and humans bond through the same neurochemical through which mothers and babies bond when breastfeeding. Our bonds to dogs and their bonds to us are very similar to a parent child relationship. It's why so many people jump in rivers and drown trying to save their dogs, it's why so many dogs die trying to save their owner. They are a family member and a loved one plain and simple. Someone who maliciously endangers someone's dog has no right to be surprised if they are met with an extreme emotional reaction.

As for people having to change their mindsets, damn right. If a woman came on here and said that her boyfriend got mad at her for using a vibrator, became violent smashed hundreds or thousands of euros worth of her belongings in front of her as punishment. She would be unanimously advised to get out of the abusive relationship she was in. If she came back a few weeks later and said the boyfriend caught her masturbating again and threatened to kill her dog the response would be more resounding. And if she said in response to those threats she lashed out and hit him, forced him to tell her how she could rescue her dog and the relationship was now over she would be roundly applauded. Yup a couple of people would preface their congratulations with a vague admonishment that she should not have hit him but she certainly wouldn't be vilified and castigated. There is a MASSIVE double standard evident on this thread. And it is 100% because of the gender of the abuser and the victim who snapped.

Distorted

willmunny1990 wrote: »

Really?



http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=74290309&postcount=8

So would you do the same again in the same set of circumstances?

Without the benefit of hindsight (which you describe only in terms of how it affects your life now, without showing any empathy (quite the opposite) towards the victim of your violence (which you justify). ie you seem only to regret the consequences of the act, not the act itself.

Can you see how potential girlfriends might feel? Even if they like you enough to give you a chance and overlook the incident, once you start on in terms of how it was your ex's fault due to the dog and it was out of character, you then display the character flaws that led to the punch...and its a huge red flag.

Animord

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I'm not looking for society or anyone to change their mindsets on domestic abuse, i would however like people to understand that if a man hits a woman in a once off exceptional circumstance it doesn't automatically make him a woman beater in the stereotypical sense.

No, it doesn't and I would kind of agree with you. But, but a one off incident, no matter what the provocation was, means the potential is there. I was once going out with someone who lost his temper, nothing to do with me, and put his fist through a door. I completely understood why he did it but it never took away from the fact that at the back of my mind I always had this tiny thought, "what if it had been me that had annoyed him so much"

You now know that if pushed you have the potential for violence - you need to work on that and change that. There are people about, me for instance, who don't think that you are automatically a wife beater, and I understand that there are two sides to every story, but the fact remains - you hit her, you either accept that the people you know are going to tell the story forever, so you need to prove that you are changed or you move away and make damn sure it never happens again.

Distorted

iguana wrote: »

What the hell are you talking about? Do you have the first clue about how the pound system in Ireland works? Clearly not. Dogs are brought to pounds to be put to sleep, that's not a nice nap by the way, but the permanent state of death. Supposedly dogs in pounds are given 5 days to be claimed but in reality dogs are often killed within an hour. The OP was extremely lucky to get his dog back. With the dog in the pound every minute was of the essence. What the girlfriend did was criminal and abusive in every sense of the world, not a lovely gesture in order to spare the dog a break up scene.

Yes, I am aware of it thanks. Its the same with most pounds whatever part of the world. However I do think that in some cases it is preferable for a dog to be sent to the pound than be in a serious welfare situation, for example. Not saying that that is the case here. That would be reading facts into something that are quite possibly not present.

Bear in mind also that the OP punched his ex in the face. How many times do we hear on the news of a punch to the head resulting in death?

iguana wrote: »

Not one single person said dogs are more important than humans but a dog is a family member and they are often loved by their owners in the same way. The scientific fact of the matter is that dogs and humans bond through the same neurochemical through which mothers and babies bond when breastfeeding. Our bonds to dogs and their bonds to us are very similar to a parent child relationship. It's why so many people jump in rivers and drown trying to save their dogs, it's why so many dogs die trying to save their owner. They are a family member and a loved one plain and simple. Someone who maliciously endangers someone's dog has no right to be surprised if they are met with an extreme emotional reaction.

As for people having to change their mindsets, damn right. If a woman came on here and said that her boyfriend got mad at her for using a vibrator, became violent smashed hundreds or thousands of euros worth of her belongings in front of her as punishment. She would be unanimously advised to get out of the abusive relationship she was in. If she came back a few weeks later and said the boyfriend caught her masturbating again and threatened to kill her dog the response would be more resounding. And if she said in response to those threats she lashed out and hit him, forced him to tell her how she could rescue her dog and the relationship was now over she would be roundly applauded. Yup a couple of people would preface their congratulations with a vague admonishment that she should not have hit him but she certainly wouldn't be vilified and castigated. There is a MASSIVE double standard evident on this thread. And it is 100% because of the gender of the abuser and the victim who snapped.

Indeed. I think the courts may be somewhat surprised by the defence of a dog's welfare justifying an assault.

I don't think your example is at all justifiable and disagree with it. People suffer the deaths of children, relatives, and loved ones at the hands of others and let the law take its course without resorting to vigilante action. People own animals other than dogs which they are extremely fond of (I own a horse for example), but I would not equate the life of an animal with a human, nor would I use it to justify taking the law into my own hands.

username123

I remember the original thread and I also had a lot of sympathy for the OP and felt he had been goaded into a terrible action.

However, I also felt that he blamed the situation more than taking responsibility for the events that happened.

It was a pressure cooker situation and if someone did that with my dog Im sure Id snap as well.

I do not condone any kind of domestic violence. But I can understand how it came about in this situation - not that that makes it right though.

I do think its too early for the OP to be persuing another relationship after the trauma that ended the last one, which was a long term one if I remember correctly? I also think he needs to start owning his actions, and possibly to see someone about why he snapped to violence as opposed to ringing the guards or some other action.

I personally find the whole story a dilemma of sympathy for the OP given the position in which his ex had put him and a sense of disgust that he hit his ex.

iguana

Distorted wrote: »

I don't think your example is at all justifiable and disagree with it.

Which example? The paragraph that follows this sentence doesn't make any sense in the context of either example in my post.

One was an explanation of the neurochemical bond that can exist between dogs and humans, which explains why dogs and humans are often willing to die for each other. What the hell saving a loved ones life right there in the moment has to do with past grief I haven't a clue? You seem to be completely trying to twist any point that doesn't agree with you. Nobody at any time said that dogs are more important than humans, but you keep trying to muddy the conversation with it.

The other, far more pertinent example was the relationship of the OP and his ex with their genders reversed. This whole thread is an eye-opening look at the double standard that exists when it comes to abusive relationships where the woman is the abuser. I'm shocked and disgusted by it. I've lived through an abusive relationship, all of the things you dismiss so flippantly are a thousand times worse than 1 single punch. Emotional abuse, severe punishments such as violent episodes including property destruction that you have to sit through for supposed misdemeanours. I'd take a punch in face in a heartbeat rather than deal with any of that. And that's before we get to the fear and trauma of having a dependant creature's life threatened because you didn't follow orders? A creature who you love and will live with the guilt that you contributed to it's fear and death for the rest of your life. The woman was an abuser, plain and simple, what she did was a million times worse, and while she may not have deserved a violent reaction I understand why the OP reacted like he did, and why he blames her.

Ickle Magoo

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I don't think that's entirely fair. Life and people, both men/women can be extremely cruel. I think everyone is entitled to get their side of the story out.

Not everyone who hits a woman once goes on to be a woman beater. It appears so easy for people to condemn the person who cracked while simply forgetting what drove him to it.

That is the whole issue in a nutshell tho - many women/people don't particularly care what "drove" someone to assault someone else, only the fact they did it. We all have stressful lives, we all have horrible things happen to us and not everyone reacts violently. Given the choice, many people will opt for a partner who doesn't have a history of reacting violently, regardless of circumstances because they don't want to spend the rest of their life looking over their shoulder, scared they are going to trigger another unavoidable, driven to, insert every other excuse being peddled attack from their partner.

It's tough to shoulder but you are going to have to own the behaviour; do everything in your power to make sure she knows that you have minimised the likelihood of a repeat performance, regardless of circumstances ie counselling or anger management classes. Bleating about extenuating circumstances and everyone now holding it against you is completely missing the point - people have the right to chose their partners and that kind of prior history is going to raise some monumental red flags unless you are completely and utterly honest and hold your hands up that such a reaction was your choice, and yours alone - and something you regret and vow never to allow to happen FULL STOP - no excuses, no justifications. Or I think they are going to keep choosing the guys who have been thru extenuating circumstances and chose to keep their tempers in check.

All the best.

Chinafoot

iguana wrote: »

The woman was an abuser, plain and simple, what she did was a million times worse, and while she may not have deserved a violent reaction I understand why the OP reacted like he did, and why he blames her.

And the OP said himself that he continued watching porn as he knew the relationship was over. If he knew it was over why didn't he walk away? Instead he decided to stay in this relationship and things escalated to this extreme situation.

Yes, the girl sounds like a horrible person but I am absolutely amazed that people are justifying his behaviour. The only justification he would have for hitting her is if she hit him first. While the double standard is ridiculous it does need to be acknowledged that in general a man would be far more physically dominant than a woman, hence why a man hitting a woman when she hasn't hit him first is seen as such a reprehensible act. The ex did not physically assault the OP and he could have easily phoned the police about the dog. He chose to punch her in the face instead.

By all means he can explain why he did what he did to anyone he feels the need to, that doesn't mean that this new girl, or anyone else for that matter, needs to accept it. She is perfectly entitled to walk away from someone who has lashed out physically in the past. Personally I would be far more concerned about the OPs complete inability to see that his violent reaction was not justified.

iguana

Chinafoot wrote: »

And the OP said himself that he continued watching porn as he knew the relationship was over. If he knew it was over why didn't he walk away? Instead he decided to stay in this relationship and things escalated to this extreme situation.

An extremely common scenario in an abusive relationship. Y'know all of those cases where the abused woman snaps a kills the abuser? In all of those cases there was a point of emotional abuse where the victim could have ended the relationship and avoided the escalation but rarely now does the woman get criticised for not doing that. We understand who subtle and damaging emotional and mental abuse is. It builds gradually, making moments that are utterly unacceptable to anyone looking in from the outside seem like something to move past to the victim. The very fact that the OP didn't immediately end the relationship following her extreme violent over-reaction to an after hours thread goes to show that there was mental abuse going on.

But you seem to suggest it is his fault? He didn't walk away from a mental abuser before it escalated so it's his fault?

anongirl123

I dont blame the poor girl from running a mile from you. You take no responsibility for what you did. All you are saying it was out of character but she made me do it. Nobody can make you do anything. YOU lost YOUR temper.

I do understand you were in a freak situation. All you had to do was the ring the gaurds.. Come on like you punched the girl in the face there is no excuse for violence

The other poster who posted about hitting a girl on drugs has genuine remorse and is not making excuses. He has owned up completely and has changed his ways. I don't see anything in your posts only self pity. What is to say that you wont get that angry again?

Chinafoot

iguana wrote: »

An extremely common scenario in an abusive relationship. Y'know all of those cases where the abused woman snaps a kills the abuser? In all of those cases there was a point of emotional abuse where the victim could have ended the relationship and avoided the escalation but rarely now does the woman get criticised for not doing that. We understand who subtle and damaging emotional and mental abuse is. It builds gradually, making moments that are utterly unacceptable to anyone looking in from the outside seem like something to move past to the victim. The very fact that the OP didn't immediately end the relationship following her extreme violent over-reaction to an after hours thread goes to show that there was mental abuse going on.

So if a woman is being emotionally abused is she then justified in assaulting her partner? Of course she isn't! I don't care how cliché it sounds, violence is never the answer in these situations. This shouldn't be about gender or double standards. The OPs issue is that he was seeing a new woman who has backed away from him since she became aware of what happened with his ex. We can debate the rights and wrongs of the double standards all day but that is not the issue at hand.

iguana wrote: »

But you seem to suggest it is his fault? He didn't walk away from a mental abuser before it escalated so it's his fault?

Do me a favour iguana and do not dare to put words in my mouth. I did not say that it is his fault for staying. I am saying that there were other ways for him to react to the situation. Her behaviour was appalling, nobody here has suggested otherwise. However, he absolutely should not have resorted to violence. He hit her in the face. You can make all the hysterical posts about her trying to kill the dog you want (and I say that as someone who has had a dog for the last 15 years that I absolutely adore.) but it does not change the fact that he made the decision to hit her in the face and is now suffering the consequences of that decision. As I have already said, this new woman is perfectly entitled to walk away from him and there isn't anything he can do about it. You think his behaviour was justified, others don't. People will have very differing views on what is and isn't acceptable.

As another poster has pointed out he isn't owning what he did and that is rather unsettling.

LegacyUser

willmunny1990 wrote: »

Hang on a minute.

I believe your situation was a hell of a lot different to mine.
You admit you were on drink and drugs at the time which leads me to believe you've a problem with substance abuse. That can only make things worse and it drives people to snap easier.

I however was not drunk or on drugs i lashed out because of an outrageously callus act, which was mentioned above so i wont get into it.

I've never condoned the part i played in the situation but i don't believe i deserve to go on paying for it. It seems most people are quick to condemn me and then ignore or forget the other side of the coin.

I have moved on from the abusive relationship i was in and want to start fresh again, but is seems society has deemed me unworthy because I made a mistake. There are some terrible stories of violent partners and abusive relationships out there but this isn't one, iv'e just been thrown in to the "woman-beater" bracket for a once off incident.

The relationship with the girl in question maybe gone but i believe this will keep happening to me unless people change their mindset.

OP,

Unfortunately in my case if it were to be taken down the technical/legal route I would have a better "excuse" (for want of a better word). I was clearly not in my right mind. The effect of drink alone on a persons judgement is debilitating - mixed with drugs it's a whole other animal .... And yes I think I did have a problem with substance abuse - hence why I have stopped taking substances.... In fact we were both on drugs at the time, it was kind of a lifestyle choice for us. So by quitting the lifestyle I ended up losing nearly all my mates.

Anyway the real point of my story is I didn't hide behind it.... I have not made excuses !

I have accepted my actions as my own and I am paying the very high price of losing the only woman I have ever truly loved.

So spare me the criticisms and stop being so defensive, you punched her in the nose and now you are paying the price....

Maple

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

That is the whole issue in a nutshell tho - many women/people don't particularly care what "drove" someone to assault someone else, only the fact they did it. We all have stressful lives, we all have horrible things happen to us and not everyone reacts violently. Given the choice, many people will opt for a partner who doesn't have a history of reacting violently, regardless of circumstances because they don't want to spend the rest of their life looking over their shoulder, scared they are going to trigger another unavoidable, driven to, insert every other excuse being peddled attack from their partner.

It's tough to shoulder but you are going to have to own the behaviour; do everything in your power to make sure she knows that you have minimised the likelihood of a repeat performance, regardless of circumstances ie counselling or anger management classes. Bleating about extenuating circumstances and everyone now holding it against you is completely missing the point - people have the right to chose their partners and that kind of prior history is going to raise some monumental red flags unless you are completely and utterly honest and hold your hands up that such a reaction was your choice, and yours alone - and something you regret and vow never to allow to happen FULL STOP - no excuses, no justifications. Or I think they are going to keep choosing the guys who have been thru extenuating circumstances and chose to keep their tempers in check.

All the best.

OP, this is the best advice you're going to get on this subject.

I am locking this thread as it is only rehashing the previous thread and is going around in circles at this point.

Please do not post any further threads on this topic as you have received ample advice on this subject already.

Maple