Burying the Past / Starting Over?

LegacyUser

Hi,
Hope to get some advice/opinions on this as I don't know what to do anymore. There are an number of issues here, at this stage I cannot take anymore - I need to start over but have no idea how to. please bear with me and apologies for such a long post..

My mother passed away a few weeks ago, I am still devastated over this - she raised 3 of us alone despite suffering depression all her life and cancer in the last two yrs - she was an amazing woman who despite many knocks did a great job with us. We had a rough childhood when mum was depressed from a very young age; often having to take on responsibility of the home often minding her to keep her out of hospital but we got through it. She was a very kind, gentle lady, loved by everyone that knew her. It would be hard not to. I have had a very rocky relationship with my siblings - esp my sister who is a control freak and a very vicious character, thrives on other's people's misfortune and gossip's to everyone; always wanting to be centre of attention and causing trouble. Outwardly she acts as though she is a caring person, but behind the scene's she's a nasty piece of work. Cracks are starting to show because a lot of her neighbours don't talk to her; she fall's out with everyone eventually. She is married has kids etc but is never happy always has to have drama, to me she is just horrible - even when we were younger she hated to see me have any joy... she is younger than me - over the last two years she was said the most horrible things to me and about me to anyone that'd listen. If I react at all she play's the victim. The situation got so bad recently that the abuse from her/my ex/ having no job/ and faced with home repo that I couldn't stand it anymore and took an overdose. I was in a very dark place at the time and couldn't see any other way, I regret it now. At the time it happened when i was unconscious in Intensive Care in my sister came into my home; tried to break into my mobile phone, removed my suicide notes showed them to everyone/refused to give them back to me. and told our entire town what I had done. She told ppl I was not allowed visitors etc to ensure I was left alone in hosp. Doctors & nurses both told me she was insisting I be admitted to physc ward after intensive care; when they insisted I didn't need it she threatened them so much that they refused to deal with her regarding me. I learnt about her telling everyone at home what I did through friends when i came home - she denies this; but I believe my friends not her anymore because of her actions so far. I swore I'd never speak to her again but mum got very ill and passed away I had no choice but to speak to her re; funeral etc. things seemed ok till she insisted on going through all my mum's personal stuff and taking control of very thing. then saying how stressed she was... the will was read - and now she's back to her nasty old self.. sending me horrible txt's saying i'm a thief (mum had helped me with some money over a year ago, cos I had nothing to live on) she's also sent txt's saying do us all a favour.. take another overdose and do it properly this time. Really horrible stuff... I want to make her pay for those remarks and am considering legal action before I block her number.. I don't know what's best??

I am a single parent of two. They are adults now in that one is 18 doing Leaving Cert and the other is 21 in college. I have raised them alone with no support from my ex. We married very young, 19, We separated 10yrs ago and are now divorced. It was a very abusive and volatile relationship and for the sake of my children's and my own personal safety I had no option but to divorce. My ex was also unfaithful to me. (hardly surprising to me given everything else he did to me) Since the break up though he was made a career of putting me down and belittling my parenting skills- despite him out living the single life/loads of holidays etc and not having helped in anyway with our kids himself. At this stage my children are old enough to see who was there and that I have done my best by them both, that's all that matters to me. They are doing well with school/college and great personalities.

Having looked after mum; marrying young into a very destructive marriage, dealing with the break up and trying to help my children cope with it; trying to deal with my own hurt and pain, having no money and struggling financially worrying over mortgage/bills. My mother's death and the toxic relationship with my sister, I feel as if I have never had time to just be me, have some sort of life of my own, don't get me wrong - I am proud of having gotten them through such horrible times, but I am now at a stage again where I feel I simply cannot cope with all this anymore. I'm not considering another overdose or anything like that - but I do need to start over - put all this horrible nasty stuff behind me and get away from this tiny village where everyone know's everyone's business - and where my sister seem's intent on ruining my reputation with her nasty rumours. I have been to counseling and am making progress there. But how does someone in my situation just walk away and start over? is it a good idea? How do I put my sister in her place once and for all? The thoughts of getting away from all the hurt and pain fills me with hope for the future but also terrifies me, I don't know where to start - I have applied for a job in a city I guess that's a start...

Thanks for taking time to read such a long post. Any thoughts/opinions would be very welcome.
thanks

Plek Trum

Firstly, huge congratulations to you on raising a family sucessfully and producing two very well turned out, adjusted and lovely sounding adult children. This is tough enough for people at the best of time but for you to have accomplished this on top of everything else you have had to face is remarkable. Well done - and do not under estimate your own strength - your two children are living proof of what you are able to achieve.

Condolensces on the passing of your Mum, its never easy at any age and under any circumstances so allow yourself the time and space to be upset and grieve over her. You had a unique and close bond with your Mum and helping her cope with her illness, she sounds like she was a lovely woman.

Its great that you are now in counselling and I have no doubt that it will bring about the peace and answers you are searching for. Judging by your post, you are committed to the process and that alone will help in your healing.

As for your sister, try to park her to one side for the time being. Your focus for now should be on you and getting yourself actively back into the happy and secure life you well deserve. Stressing over your sisters attitude, deciding whether to cut her out of your life etc will only cloud you from the issues you are dealing with.

I know its easer said than done but try and put everything to do with her to one side if at all possible. Ignore her txts, phonecalls if they are spiteful or nasty, respond only if they are decent and mature. Give yourself the headspace you need without her 'in there' too upsetting and disctracting you on your journey.

When you reach the right place in your counselling I'm sure you will know how to best deal with her. It maybe on a polite, needs to be basis, you might be able to achieve some sort of relationship or it may be best to remove her from your life altogether. But for now, focus on you. You are worth it and you will be in a much better place to be able to deal with her and the manner in which to do it a little further down the line.

Best of luck to you, hopefully the next year will bring ths start of the happiness you deserve, x

LegacyUser

Hi Plek Trum,
Thank you so much for those kind words of encouragement. I'm very proud of how my kids are turning out and have instilled in them the same values that my mother gave to me. They realise just how hard things can be and value what they have (no matter how small) and they are working hard on education; as this is key to a successful future.. (I don't want them to make the same mistake as me) I want them to have good qualifications so that they can get good jobs etc be financially independent and not be on the breadline as I have found myself many a time.

Regarding my sister, I am cutting her out completely (the example I gave was just one of many horrible things she's said and done over the years) but this behaviour, so soon after my mom passing is the final straw from me. She is taking my character and publicly humiliating me. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow with regard her false allegations of be stealing from my mother. That is totally unacceptable and disgusting to me. My mother would turn in her grave if she knew what she was saying.

The counseling is good; but so far I have not found any answers as regards a plan for the future etc. I feel like my whole life I have been responsible for someone albeit my mom/my kids and was answerable to my ex when he was on the scene; and I have never had time to just be me.

I really hope your right about the new year... I will be happy to see the back of this one that's for sure. It's gonna be a tough Christmas without mum here though.

Thanks