What to do when trust is gone?

scattykathy

edited in case i am recognised.

RacerF1

Hey first things first, I hate cheaters, I have been hurt in the past and I know what its like... but saying that I get the feeling that this was a simple innocent misjudgement on your husband’s part. I think he does know right from wrong and if things had progressed there or if the girl said to follow her outside, I think he would have had the cop on to see that this was now past the point of having a laugh ... Whats his past like, has there been any instances like this in the past? Have you any other reason to mistrust him? If not, I would not get too worked up over this, it was a mistake and yes as hard as it may be for you to see now, I think you should be able to forgive him for this. It sounds like the other girl is a t**mp tbh, jumping on her friends husband like that.. honestly who does that!??? Sl*ts do.. Your husband sounds like he was caught up with it all and the drink fogged his judgement. If it was some bloke doing something like that my wife/gf/someone I was seeing, I’d be really annoyed too but if it was a first offence of its kind, I would try swallow up the feelings of humiliation and move on

Taltos

Welcome to PI/RI OP.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
Have you tried talking to him again since this happened?

If not then please take the time now to do so. Make sure you are both well rested and calm. The key thing in this talk is really to do all you can to stay calm - if emotions rise then chances are one or both of you will stop listening or shut down.

Make sure you explain HOW this whole incident has made you feel. Whether he did something wrong here or not is really irrelevant in this discussion - it is all about how you feel let down and betrayed. Do what you can to stay away from blame here - that will just cause a defensive reaction - focus instead on something you know 100% here - how you felt...
For example instead of
"How could you do that to me?"
Try
"I felt so humiliated at what happened, it tore me up inside."
The first can be taken and argued so many ways. The second is a statement of how you felt and really how can you argue or dismiss that...

Ideally you need him to step up to the plate and accept that his actions have caused you great pain. He also needs to accept that his action even while drunk has now caused you to have doubts about how trustworthy he is. Thing is we all mess up at some stage - what is really important is how we recover from those mistakes.

If however you both find you cannot resolve this alone then please seek outside help/mediation - there is nothing wrong with this.

RacerF1

PS did that womans husband have anything to say?

LegacyUser

RacerF1 wrote: »

Hey first things first, I hate cheaters, I have been hurt in the past and I know what its like... but saying that I get the feeling that this was a simple innocent misjudgement on your husband’s part. I think he does know right from wrong and if things had progressed there or if the girl said to follow her outside, I think he would have had the cop on to see that this was now past the point of having a laugh ... Whats his past like, has there been any instances like this in the past? Have you any other reason to mistrust him? If not, I would not get too worked up over this, it was a mistake and yes as hard as it may be for you to see now, I think you should be able to forgive him for this. It sounds like the other girl is a t**mp tbh, jumping on her friends husband like that.. honestly who does that!??? Sl*ts do.. Your husband sounds like he was caught up with it all and the drink fogged his judgement. If it was some bloke doing something like that my wife/gf/someone I was seeing, I’d be really annoyed too but if it was a first offence of its kind, I would try swallow up the feelings of humiliation and move on

I have to say I don't agree with this blame the tramp/slut. Always suspicious of people who use these words about women. Why is it men always get cleared of any blame in cases like this when it clearly takes two to tango? So what this man was powerless to say get off me or tell her where to go? Poor man couldn't control himself.The drink exonerates him from any wrong doing but not the woman? Sad that this double standard still exists in modern Ireland and it is not just the men women too -all too quick to blame the other woman.

OP am sorry this happened to you and your humiliation must be awful at the moment. Focusing on this woman though is missing the point. the point is your husband still went along with this woman's advances while you were in the room. Who she is or what her reputation is is irrelevant. He is equally in the wrong here and you need to speak with him. It's all great to blame the drink and yes we all make mistakes with a few too many on board but I think no matter how drunk most people are they don't generally cross lines like this!

Speak to your husband find out what is going on with him. Also, how would he have reacted if the roles were reversed?

scattykathy

Thank you both so much for your replies.
Her husband was out having a smoke so did not see their carry on.Have heard since that they have an open relationship but not sure if thats true.
He has never given me any real reason to not trust him,I suppose I am not feeling very confident at the minute because I still have not lost all the weight after my little baby was born.
I have spoken to him since about how how humilated and hurt I feel but though he says sorry etc I still have the feeling he doesnt get how he has hurt me.
Thanks again for your advice.

scattykathy

I place equal blame on my husband and this woman.that is the bit that really worried me, drunk or not how did he not tell her to get lost or get off him?If I am not there and something like this happens again will he follow through and blame his drunken state.
I couldn't care less about the woman, if she wants to behave like that it's up to her but it's the fact my husband did nothing but sit there that I don't think I can forgive....

Taltos

scattykathy wrote: »

it's the fact my husband did nothing but sit there that I don't think I can forgive....

OP - clearly this is still very raw for you.
I want to encourage you to take some time before you do anything - including having the chat.

Your statement above I have flagged as it concerns me - if this is really the case then your marriage is in trouble. If you can't forgive your partner then what do you have? Over time if you can't learn to move beyond this and forgive it will just eat into your marriage.

So - a rhetorical - with this view - are you prepared to end your marriage?...

scattykathy

Taltos,thanks for the reply.
I don't want to end my marriage and am doing my best to try and forgive him but am finding it hard. Guess it's something that will take time , the hurt& humiliation are just so raw at the minute.

Firetrap

I can understand why you felt so hurt and humiliated about your husband's behaviour. I think because of what happened and your willingness to save your marriage, that going to talk to a counsellor would be well worth doing. That your husband was very happy to entertain/be entertained in such a manner is something that rings alarm bells.

I am a friend

Yeah op, the woman is not the issue here although she sounds like a sad piece of work if she needs this kind of attention...

I do see why you are so upset and I think only time will heal. I suspect he doesnt want to acknowledge how hurt you are as this would make him feel guilty....

there is very little you can do here other than tell him how unhappy it has made you and then move on from it.

scattykathy

[Quote. That your husband was very happy to entertain/be entertained in such a manner is something that rings alarm bells.[/Quote]
That's the part which scares me .

I am a friend

scattykathy wrote: »

That's the part which scares me .

How long was it going on for? Did he maybe not know how to get out of the situation without causing a scene... No excuse but still if its out of character then...

scattykathy

Couldn't say how long it went on for, was one of those things where it took me a minute to register what was going on , then stand looking like an eejit not quite believing what I was seeing.
Have never had any issue like this before , normally if he gets drunk he either falls asleep with pint in hand or starts boring everyone about our two children.
It just has scared me that he did nothing to stop it,and didn't see anything wrong with it while it was happening.
I have told him he has broken my trust and that it will take time for me to trust him again but if anything like this happens again we are finished.

When the trust is gone its time to move on..

I am a friend

scattykathy wrote: »

Couldn't say how long it went on for, was one of those things where it took me a minute to register what was going on , then stand looking like an eejit not quite believing what I was seeing.
Have never had any issue like this before , normally if he gets drunk he either falls asleep with pint in hand or starts boring everyone about our two children.
It just has scared me that he did nothing to stop it,and didn't see anything wrong with it while it was happening.
I have told him he has broken my trust and that it will take time for me to trust him again but if anything like this happens again we are finished.

But he wasnt touching her, sure he wasnt?

Payton

I read your post this morning and just a couple of points. Did he make a genuine mistake and is totally remorseful? In the cold light of day he might come to terms in what he has to lose..you and your children.
Your very raw at the moment, take a couple of days for it to settle and see what way the land lies. I noticed by your last post that he normally falls asleep or bores people.
Granted there are "rules" for being married and how to conduct yourself, he over stepped the mark and in public and deserves to be punished.
Time and talking are whats important here. He knows your very hurt. Did he touch her in any way?

scattykathy

Hard to explain but they were holding their hands in the air ,not really groping but it was the way they were looking at each other....I have been around the block I know if they had been alone something would have happened.He swears it wouldnt,he says he loves me,our family but I get the feeling he thinks if he lets me go on about it I will forget and forgive.I dont honestly think he realises how much damage he has done,how do I make him see that?

Payton

scattykathy wrote: »

I have been around the block I know if they had been alone something would have happened.

What does that mean? We were not there and didnt see what happened so can only go on your words.

scattykathy

I just meant that I'm not naiive,I know when something is innocent playacting but this had definetly some kind of flirtation going on.Her skirt was bunched up and she was sitting on his lap with her feet off the ground!!

I am a friend

Was she facing him?

Firetrap

From my memories of the original post, it was pretty explicit stuff. What is mind-boggling is that he can't or won't admit how bad his behaviour was. He was practically doing the bould thing in front of his own wife .

scattykathy

Oh he keeps saying how stupid he was,how could he do it etc but why he did it is the killer

Payton

scattykathy wrote: »

Oh he keeps saying how stupid he was,how could he do it etc but why he did it is the killer

You have said its a one off incident,not like him at all. You seem to have a great relationship with your husband except for this. Only you can make the decision if you want this to work and trust him again and you alone. Your going to get plenty of advice on what to do but look long and hard before you make any decision. As I said before Time and Talk.

Taltos

OP

you have been given a range of advice here. With that in mind and with the original post editted by yourself we are going ahead to close this thread.
Please review our Charter - there are some links towards the end there that maybe useful, sometime marriages do need a little assistance.

Taltos