too young?

homebird2011

I am a little worried that I am too young to be giving up all the possibilities my next few years might have to offer. I am in my early twenties and in college while my boyfriend is in his late twenties and working. I feel like he has experienced his wild years; e.g drugs, girls, parties... not as bad as that sounds. And I haven't, I've always been a conservative thing and I realize I've only got two years left in college and I want to really live life and make memories that I can look back on and think f*@k yeah!, but he is now at the stage where he is thinking about marriage and kids in the next few years and while I want that with him, I also think about these things. I also want to go out kiss as many boys as I want, travel, have some summer flings. I d never cheat on him, but I like male attention and while I am nothing special I get my fair share of it and sometimes I find myself thinking what if. I also think that the fact our relationship has left the honeymoon phase is adding to this, because while it was all new and exciting I didn't feel like I was missing out and now I feel like he doesn't show me as much attention as before. Having said all of this I do want to end up with him, married, house, kids the lot! But not for another six seven years although if he asked me to run away and get married tomorow I would say yes. I don't want to break up with him but I kinda wish we hadn't met for another few years until I was older and more mature and completely ready to have a long term relationship. I kinda sound like I want my cake and to eat it or what ever that phrase is. But any ideas of how I get out of this mind funk?

aidan24326

OP, there ia no easy answer to your predicament. It is possible to meet the right person at the wrong time, that time usually being when you're too young. It sounds like you're at different stages in your life.

You need to decide what's more important to you, being with him or having your fun years through your twenties. It boils down to whether you think he's worth it or not. Bear in mind that those one night stands and drunken holiday flings are fun at the time but they mean nothing in the long run. They actually leave you with a sort of empty feeling in the end, like it was fun at the time (maybe) but left no lasting impression.

So it boils down to whether he's the right guy for you or not. If he is then trust me you're missing nothing by foregoing the scoring circuit, what you can have in a genuine loving relationship is a million miles ahead of anything you'll ever get from the nightclub and s one-night stand after. But it depends whether you have found the right person or not. Only you can decide that, but I suspect not.

LegacyUser

Hi op,

I was in your position about 4 years ago only I am a guy. I was in a relationship from age 21 to 23 with a girl who was 4 years older. We got on great and though I didn't fully realise it untill much later we had quite a deep and loving relationship. But like you I started to feel like I was missing out on things that my friends at the time were doing such as the club/party circuit, one night stands etc.

I hadn't really experienced much of that before getting with this girl so I was curious and I was getting a lot of other female attention at the time. Also my girlfriend was subtley starting to put the pressure on about marriage and kids though she never gave me ultimatiums or said anything outright, but I could just feel it.
Long story short I broke up with her, roughly six months go by and having realized what I had we got back together but to be honest I had broken her trust and it was never the same. We broke up agin, this time she did the breaking up and she met someone else fairly quickly afterwards and they are now married with children.

In the meantime I have gone through the whole one night stand trip and all that entails and to be honest it is pretty souless to me. Nothing compared to what I had. Also in your late twenties you begin to feel the clock tick with friends settling down etc (although I don't think you should judge your life against others as everyone is different)

I had a great thing, did not fully appreciate it and threw it away for something vague and unsatisfying but I was younger, more self-centered and immature. However it was a good life lesson and sometimes you need tolearn things the hard way for the penny to drop. As the old saying goes; be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

I am a friend

homebird2011 wrote: »

I realize I've only got two years left in college and I want to really live life and make memories that I can look back on and think f*@k yeah

so what do you want to do that you cant do as his gf?

Please Kill Me

@ OP, I think you may find that IF you were to do all these things, you WILL in the end think to yourself "meh, it wasn't really worth it" or "what was all the fuss about, I wasn't missing out on anything" - I can guarantee it. If you are in love, and know he is "the one" then just let life and love take it's course. If you're meant to be, then it'll happen. I got married young, I married the first girl I met actually, and spent 16 years with her. I never wondered "what if" or wondering should I have been with more girls. I'm happy that I wasn't actually. Granted we split up a few years ago but only cos it turned out she's an arsehole. But that's another story. LOL

On another note, your line "I want to go out kiss as many boys as I want..." WHY? I don't get that. If that's what you truly want, then you shouldn't be in this relationship and you certainly aren't ready for marriage.

binxeo

@OP I think the whole living you life thing, kissing as many boys, having summer flings is all very over rated. Most people when they do mature will tell you that a lot of the drunken nights and one night stands are something they regret doing. Traveling and experiencing life is fine and they are all things you can do together. Not to sound like an aul one here but the marriage, kids, house thing can also be a very exciting thing in your life and massively more rewarding, if you do love this guy and see yourself with him in the future and he treats you good don't through that all away on a life you may live to regret.

I think you are probably having cold feet, like you said the honeymoon phase is over and that initial excitement is gone, but there are other exciting things to come. If you feel he is not paying you as much attention as you would like, talk to him. I am sure he would listen and understand. There is a lot more rewarding things to come. Just sit down and talk to him about how you feel. I am sure if you were to end it and told him all this the first question he would ask would be...."why didn't you tell me all this sooner" Give him a chance and then make up your mind.

analucija

I wouldn't really recommend it but one solution is open relationship for a while. Both of you have to agree though and it could be very tricky.

binxeo

analucija wrote: »

I wouldn't really recommend it but one solution is open relationship for a while. Both of you have to agree though and it could be very tricky.

Sorry what??? :eek: I would def not go down that road. Sure ye might as well break up as to do that!!!

Please Kill Me

analucija wrote: »

I wouldn't really recommend it but one solution is open relationship for a while. Both of you have to agree though and it could be very tricky.

Good God, I can't believe that was even suggested. Sure they might as well break up as they're gonna be cheating then!! How anyone could agree to something like that defies belief.

Eve_Dublin

It's a tough situation but I'm going to go against the grain slightly here. I did all the mad partying while I was a student and although things have been fun since, they were, without a doubt, the most carefree and fun years of my life (I'm 31 now and was a student 'till I was 25). I'd be on the "make the most of your student years and go crazy" camp. Now I'm not suggesting you do the same but not everyone who "partied" as a student lived to regret it. That's all I'm saying.

However, I wasn't in a serious relationship for most of the time like you are. I was free to do all that as were most of my friends. I met a guy in my last year of university who I ended up going out with seriously and finally moved in with after I graduated (he'd finished up the following year and was working). The partying and fun didn't stop...we just did it together. Perhaps this is what you and your man need more of.

Can I ask you...you say your boyfriend is in his late twenties...has he calmed down completely now? Does he not want to have any fun himself anymore and is he already to settle down right now?

I'm not suggesting you break up with this guy if you love him but you need to make it clear that you want to enjoy your early twenties while you can (and I really think you should). One aspect of the whole partying thing that other posters were right about though (at least in my opinion) was the one night stands. I felt like others felt and had that empty, lonely feeling the next day when I let the stranger out of my flat or visa versa and trudged on home alone but the rest of it I enjoyed thoroughly. If you're craving attention from other guys, perhaps you just need to bring the excitement back into your own relationship in the bedroom?

Whatever you're thinking, you need to speak to your man and explain to him that you feel things are getting a little staid too early and as much as you love him, your nowhere near settling down and you want to have more fun with him in every sense.

Good luck OP.

homebird2011

Please Kill Me wrote: »

On another note, your line "I want to go out kiss as many boys as I want..." WHY? I don't get that. If that's what you truly want, then you shouldn't be in this relationship and you certainly aren't ready for marriage.

My older brother is ten years older then I, and he got married quite young-to the first girl he fell in love with and after a kid, she threw him out (quite recently in fact) after finding out he cheated on her and he claims it was because they got together too young and he felt like he had missed out and had he met other girls he might have appreciated what he had more with her and while I know this sounds like an excuse I can kind of understand- its this situation that makes me think what if I marry him, move into his home, have his kids and then realise that he is not the guy or I think this and do the same as my brother and realise I made a mistake. I think you need this time to discover whats really important and not just in theory. After all those souless nights ( and I am really not talking about one night stands I am not that type of girl- but just the option of going on random dates, meeting new people, but come to think of it, in principal, if I wanted to why not have a meaningless ONS) didn't you know for sure what you wanted?

Please Kill Me

homebird2011 wrote: »

My older brother is ten years older then I, and he got married quite young-to the first girl he fell in love with and after a kid, she threw him out (quite recently in fact) after finding out he cheated on her and he claims it was because they got together too young and he felt like he had missed out and had he met other girls he might have appreciated what he had more with her and while I know this sounds like an excuse I can kind of understand- its this situation that makes me think what if I marry him, move into his home, have his kids and then realise that he is not the guy or I think this and do the same as my brother and realise I made a mistake. I think you need this time to discover whats really important and not just in theory. After all those souless nights ( and I am really not talking about one night stands I am not that type of girl- but just the option of going on random dates, meeting new people, but come to think of it, in principal, if I wanted to why not have a meaningless ONS)

I know where you're coming from, but that depends on the person. In my case, I was 17 and my GF was 18 when we met. We got married when I was 24 and it went rapidly downhill from there. It had nothing to do with the fact that she was my first GF or that we broke up because I felt I missed out, because I didn't. I didn't know what kind of bad person she was until after I had a ring on her finger! After her I was with another girl for four years and after her I'm with my current GF who is actually my fiancee. I'm 40! In my life, I have had only 3 girlfriends and I regret nothing and never felt or feel like I've missed out.

homebird2011 wrote: »

didn't you know for sure what you wanted?

TBH....no. I always had self esteem issues. I figured I'd never get a kick in a stampede, so when I met this girl, I figured it was this or nothing. I was 17 FFS, I didn't know better. And after 5 or 6 years with her and no problems, I figured we'd get married. It was only after I put the ring on her finger we started having problems.

prinz

homebird2011 wrote: »

My older brother is ten years older then I, and he got married quite young-to the first girl he fell in love with and after a kid, she threw him out (quite recently in fact) after finding out he cheated on her and he claims it was because they got together too young and he felt like he had missed out and had he met other girls he might have appreciated what he had more with her and while I know this sounds like an excuse I can kind of understand-...

It's an excuse. It doesn't just sound like it. If he wanted someone else he should have manned up and ended his relationship himself, not cheated on his wife. If he got away with it would he still be playing the violin for himself about how they got married too young and planning on how to leave? Or would he still be still be with his wife playing happy family? He's trying to offload blame for something he willingly did, onto fate/the world/what if/why me....

homebird2011 wrote: »

its this situation that makes me think what if I marry him, move into his home, have his kids and then realise that he is not the guy or I think this and do the same as my brother and realise I made a mistake....

What if you were 25... or 30.. do you think these thoughts don't cross your mind then too? It's part and parcel of any major life decision. Uncertainty and considering the many paths you could take. It's a good thing to have these thoughts and put a lot of time into working them out, but it should only involve you, and him. Not potential others. You could go down to the cornershop for milk in the morning and meet the man of your dreams. You could get hit by a bus. That's the way life works. If you live it always wondering about the what ifs and the what elses you'll end up realising you haven't really lived at all and probably be saddled with a mountain of regret for opportunities you could have taken, but didn't because you were waiting for the next man/the next job/the next apartment.. the next whatever. You never experience everything. A sad part of life is that you must compromise.

homebird2011 wrote: »

I think you need this time to discover whats really important and not just in theory....

You do, but the way to do that IMO is to focus on yourself. Not on others. So it's not going to work if you concentrate on who else you might meet, where else you might go, etc. You need to focus on what you want, right now, and what you can commit to 100%. There is no easy route. Staying with the guy and getting married will bring hard work, and the what ifs. Going out and 'enjoying yourself' will bring the same. No amount of time to think, or sowing your wild oats so to speak is going to change that. That will always be a part of life. The question is if you are going to follow one route can you commit to it completely, and are you determined to make it work. If your answer is no, then don't think about marriage at all. However don't kid yourself that the guy is going to be waiting for you down the line.

homebird2011 wrote: »

After all those souless nights ( and I am really not talking about one night stands I am not that type of girl- but just the option of going on random dates, meeting new people, but come to think of it, in principal, if I wanted to why not have a meaningless ONS) didn't you know for sure what you wanted?

Every path you take in life comes with looking at the other paths and wondering. Again do you think if you were 30 and married you wouldn't sometimes wonder about going on random dates. You can still meet new people, your social life doesn't have to come to an abrupt end.

analucija

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Good God, I can't believe that was even suggested. Sure they might as well break up as they're gonna be cheating then!! How anyone could agree to something like that defies belief.

It's not cheating if they agree to it. It wouldn't work for me but I know a couple for whom it does.

Anyway op, I suspect your bf and you are in different stages of your life. He is probably working, living away from home and is more independent. You are studying and still relying on your parents for certain things. Think what you want to do in the, lets say, next 5 years. When do you want to have children, do you want to work for a while and enjoy freedom... And then talk to your boyfriend and see what he thinks and how long is he prepared to wait if needed.

As for the male attention, you get more of it when you are in a relationship anyway, just make sure you respond to it in a way that doesn't hurt your boyfriend. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to become completeley invisible to outside world.

Please Kill Me

analucija wrote: »

As for the male attention, you get more of it when you are in a relationship anyway, just make sure you respond to it in a way that doesn't hurt your boyfriend. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to become completeley invisible to outside world.

Eh, yeah it does!! I am in a loving relationship, and I make it perfectly clear in my mannerisms and the way I project myself that I am taken!! I will do whatever it takes to NOT attract attention or glances. I blend in, I become invisible.

analucija

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Eh, yeah it does!! I am in a loving relationship, and I make it perfectly clear in my mannerisms and the way I project myself that I am taken!! I will do whatever it takes to NOT attract attention or glances. I blend in, I become invisible.

I don't. Not that I go out that often now but if I am out and someone smiles to me or talks to me I will not ignore them. I'll talk to them and also explain that I am taken. And I expect the same from my partner and nothing more. I trust him and he trusts me.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Damned if you do damned if you don't.

I think if you're concerned enough to write about it on boards its a sign you might as well walk down the wilder path.

Its highly likely that if you do you may soon regret it. You might be miserable if he starts with someone new. Though I suspect you may regret it more if you don't. Its not like he's a 100% safe option. He could get bored/leave you for someone else etc.

battser

I personally think you should just break up with him, not sure why people are tryin to offer solutions becuase from what I read in your OP its clear you want other things than to be with him right now. Don't feel bad for it. You only live once. Do what you know is right.

Please Kill Me

analucija wrote: »

I don't. Not that I go out that often now but if I am out and someone smiles to me or talks to me I will not ignore them. I'll talk to them and also explain that I am taken. And I expect the same from my partner and nothing more. I trust him and he trusts me.

That's fine of it works for you. in my eyes, even talking to them is asking for trouble. But everyone has their own way.

battser wrote: »

I personally think you should just break up with him, not sure why people are tryin to offer solutions becuase from what I read in your OP its clear you want other things than to be with him right now. Don't feel bad for it. You only live once. Do what you know is right.

I tend to agree. Just call it a day OP and move on before you break his heart. Let him loose and go have your fun and do whatever you want to do. It's the fairest thing to do.

Fentdog84

But OP you got to follow your heart here really. This ''one'' thing can happen at various stages of your life. Your just a likely to meet someone else suitable 5 years or so down the line when you feel you are ready to really settle down. Theres no point going along with this cos you feel it might be your only chance like this in life, there will always be others present themselves. Plus it wouldnt be fair on him either if your heart is not 100% in it. Of course it wont be easy but you need to do whats best for you, ultimately.