Prolonged dry spell!

carriestar

Hi all just looking for opinions here.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, prior to that we were seeing each other very casually before finally deciding to get together properly.

In the time we've been going out as boyfriend and girlfriend I could count on one hand the number of times we have had sex whereas when we were only seeing each other casually we had great sex practically every time we met. At first, I didn't say anything as I knew he was under pressure with work. He eventually talked about it one night unprompted and said he has had this issue before in relationships that sometimes when things get serious with a girl he finds it hard to perform.

He'll occasionally initiate oral (for me not him!) but sometimes I feel as though he's only doing it because he feels he has to rather than he wants to.

We see each other a few days a week and get on really well. We'd be very affectionate otherwise e.g plenty of holding hands, cuddles etc. but I feel like he's happy for the way things are now to continue indefinately. He defo still has a healthy sex drive as I know he watchs porn.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I know I need to talk to him but what approach should I take here? Or what do people think of this situation generally?

Any suggestions/opinions would be welcomed.

Thanks

I am a friend

If he stopped watching porn for a while would it redirect his interest back to you?

carriestar

Could be an option to try i suppose! I mean, I've no issue with him watching porn at all and he watched it when we were first seeing each other casually with no repurcussions for how often we had sex.

He doesn't watch it to the level that would make me think he's replacing sex with me with porn......

miec

Hi Op

I think the concern I would have is that he admitted that he has in the past gone off sex whilst in a relationship, my ex had a similar issue and to be honest it was not something I could compromise with, having said that he was not affectionate, etc so it felt very lonely for me. The thing is if it will bother you long term it is something you will need to talk about. Maybe he only get sexually excited when the sex is casual or illicit in his mind.

LegacyUser

carriestar wrote: »

Hi all just looking for opinions here.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, prior to that we were seeing each other very casually before finally deciding to get together properly.

In the time we've been going out as boyfriend and girlfriend I could count on one hand the number of times we have had sex whereas when we were only seeing each other casually we had great sex practically every time we met. At first, I didn't say anything as I knew he was under pressure with work. He eventually talked about it one night unprompted and said he has had this issue before in relationships that sometimes when things get serious with a girl he finds it hard to perform.

He'll occasionally initiate oral (for me not him!) but sometimes I feel as though he's only doing it because he feels he has to rather than he wants to.

We see each other a few days a week and get on really well. We'd be very affectionate otherwise e.g plenty of holding hands, cuddles etc. but I feel like he's happy for the way things are now to continue indefinately. He defo still has a healthy sex drive as I know he watchs porn.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I know I need to talk to him but what approach should I take here? Or what do people think of this situation generally?

Any suggestions/opinions would be welcomed.

Thanks

There are three clues here - porn, sex outside relationship and him offering you oral sex.

The last one suggests to me that he has erection problems, maybe psychologically rather than physically, and he doesn't want to let you down. It's kinda rare that a guy will offer oral sex and never expect anything from you. He may have some sort of problem getting an erection during a 'normal' relationship. Of course external stress does no good for this too.

There is only one thing to do, and that's talk to him; but be aware that challenging or threatening him in any way (as he would perceive it) will get you nowhere. Putting pressure on him to have sex will probably achieve exactly the opposite.

You could say that you are missing sex, and that you'd like to watch the porn with him, and maybe masturbate, maybe not. Don't even make sex the goal. Just allow him to watch it, masturbate if he wants to, and you do the same. Maybe bring a laptop to bed. Slowly move towards touching him and helping him out, and let him do the same.

The sexuality minus the stress to perform could get you over this. If it doesn't you may have to ask yourself can you tolerate a sexless relationship.

carriestar

I was kind of having that thought too, as in maybe he has issues in "normal" relationships or where the sex isn't illicit in some way....rather a psychological than physical problem.

Thanks so much for the replies guys and for the ideas yeawhatever...i think that's probably the way to go.

I just hate having to bring the issue up but I know it has to be done. Will definately approach it from a no pressure place. I don't want to make him feel bad about it which could then make the situation worse as otherwise we get on really well and have such a good time together.

snafuk35

carriestar wrote: »

Hi all just looking for opinions here.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, prior to that we were seeing each other very casually before finally deciding to get together properly.

In the time we've been going out as boyfriend and girlfriend I could count on one hand the number of times we have had sex whereas when we were only seeing each other casually we had great sex practically every time we met. At first, I didn't say anything as I knew he was under pressure with work. He eventually talked about it one night unprompted and said he has had this issue before in relationships that sometimes when things get serious with a girl he finds it hard to perform.

He'll occasionally initiate oral (for me not him!) but sometimes I feel as though he's only doing it because he feels he has to rather than he wants to.

We see each other a few days a week and get on really well. We'd be very affectionate otherwise e.g plenty of holding hands, cuddles etc. but I feel like he's happy for the way things are now to continue indefinately. He defo still has a healthy sex drive as I know he watchs porn.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I know I need to talk to him but what approach should I take here? Or what do people think of this situation generally?

Any suggestions/opinions would be welcomed.

Thanks

You tell him that if he wants to stay with you he has to give you sexual satisfaction or you walk.

carriestar

That simple eh?

thisStuff

carriestar wrote: »

I was kind of having that thought too, as in maybe he has issues in "normal" relationships or where the sex isn't illicit in some way....rather a psychological than physical problem.

Thanks so much for the replies guys and for the ideas yeawhatever...i think that's probably the way to go.

I just hate having to bring the issue up but I know it has to be done. Will definately approach it from a no pressure place. I don't want to make him feel bad about it which could then make the situation worse as otherwise we get on really well and have such a good time together.

Male egos are delicate things!

Approach it as you asking him a favour. You want to be included.

carriestar wrote: »

That simple eh?

Easy to say, but tough to do :-(

prinz

I'd wean him off the porn tbh rather than indulging it even more. It's a habit, nothing more. Even try to get him to give it up (and masturbation) completely for say a month.. take up going for a walk or a jog together to get the heart pumping and blood coursing. Eat healthy. Have fun together.

Think about it, he's getting aroused and getting off over how many different women and situations every week, five, ten, twenty, fifty? Every month? Is he going into niche areas? People sometimes find themselves only being able to be aroused by certain acts/scenarios.

This can form a pattern of behaviour in some people whereby the only way they get sexually aroused is someone 'fresh' something new and exciting or something very particular etc. While you were seeing each other 'very cuasually' and sex was no problem that was fulfilling his need for casual sex. A physical release, as opposed to an intimate act between partners. In a relationship it's going to cause problems.

There was an excellent article on Psychology Today back a few months on this very issue. Also a quick google of 'porn and loss of libido' will give you links to many threads such as yours here but from the male in the relationship who has the same problems.