I wasn't talking to my old friend, she died...

LegacyUser

A member of my family and I had a falling out a few years ago. It was very public and stressful, and alot of my immediate family got involved at the time. I hadn't spoken to her in 4 years, since we fell out.

She died last week and I can't begin to explain how I'm feeling. Firstly, I know that my immediate family are judging me for being so emotional at her funeral etc, when we hadn't spoken in years. I also know that old neighbours knew about our argument, and I feel very odd talking to them about how I feel.

The bottom line is that I am devestated that this woman and I did not have the opportunity to become friends again before she died. I have many great memories with her, I knew her since I was a young child. She meant alot to me, until the falling out.

I feel like I can't grieve properly for her because I am being judged by everyone around me...their attitude is 'sure you weren't even talking to her...'. I was going to post this in bereavement but it's more than an issue about me grieving for her - it's about how I deal with all the judgment around me and just allow myself to be sad.

I am a friend

You seem to be talking to a lot of people about your feelings and this is opening you up to being judged.

I would keep my own counsel and grieve by myself if you dont want any further judgements.

username123

I wouldnt be bothered about what other people think. Death affects everyone differently. People dont know what goes on in other peoples heads, how they truly feel about things etc...

Im sorry for your loss, try not to worry about other peoples judgements.

harar

when it comes to something like grief, the confusing part is that it often isnt proportional to the loss. so u hadnt spoke to her for a few years - **** happens. thats something u will have to deal with, no one else. no one can take away what u had before ur falling out. ur perfectly entitled to grieve for whoever u wish. but maybe keep ur cards close to ur chest, its likely ur feelings are more complex than others, thats ok but dont expect them to understand.

Firetrap

First off, sorry for your loss. I hope you come to terms with it soon.

Do you have any friends who you could chat to? Or someone from the other side of your family? Failing that, just don't talk to the family members who are expressing these opinions but take time out to grieve in peace on your own. Grief is an individual thing and in your case, you've got that additional baggage. These family members who are saying these things to you are just about the last people on this planet you should be talking to.

thefeatheredcat

unregistered wrote: »

The bottom line is that I am devestated that this woman and I did not have the opportunity to become friends again before she died. I have many great memories with her, I knew her since I was a young child. She meant alot to me, until the falling out.

I feel like I can't grieve properly for her because I am being judged by everyone around me...their attitude is 'sure you weren't even talking to her...'. I was going to post this in bereavement but it's more than an issue about me grieving for her - it's about how I deal with all the judgment around me and just allow myself to be sad.

Being around others who judge you for your actions/reactions/emotional responses towards another is difficult, because in this situation they are just reinforcing the fact that you never had the opportunity to patch things up and reminding you of the fall out, which is where your focus, in your heart, is not where it is. It does make it harder to grieve with that in mind, because in one way they're saying you have no right to but at the same time, you have the memories of that relationship with them.

Is there a special place that they were fond of that perhaps you can visit that will allow for you to grieve? A place that meant something to them, like a town, city, village, a particular place in nature for example? It might help you escape the judgement and just be able to be one on one with them, your fond memories, in a way that is outside the situation of falling out with them and allow for you to grieve privately without judgement?

ash23

Tricky one.
From another perspective, our family lost someone recently. My sister had fallen out with her years before and they hadn't spoken in eons. My sister never made any bones about how much she disliked this person and spoke ill of them on many occasions to me and to others.
In fact, she said she'd dance on their graves and wouldn't attend their funeral.

This person was sick for many years and even though my sister lived spitting distance from them, she never did anything in terms of visiting or making sure they were ok. Never asked me how they were or spoke good of them.

Then when they were on their deathbed she came to the hospital and sobbed her heart out. Spent hours sitting there, even though the person was too weak to register them really.

We were outside the hospital shortly after the person passed and she met someone she knew and told them, started crying and was getting hugs and sympathy. I have to admit I was :eek:.
I was very very angry. I had watched this person I love wasting away for years, made sure to visit and call, based all my visits home around getting to see them and here she was, nearly a decade without seeing them and she was sobbing more than the rest of us combined.
I confronted her over it and she shouted at me. I probably could have handled it if she had said she was sad about the argument and regretted it and was upset over not making amends. Instead she was the innocent party and the deceased person had caused the fight along with some other family members and she never had a problem with the person in question.
She went to a fortune teller afterwards and said this person came to them. She acted as though the last decade had never happened and that they had some sort of close and loving relationship. She said the fortune teller/medium said that this person admitted she was wrong and was sorry. I mean, for Gods sake!!

I used to be close to her but I have to say, that death fractured our relationship beyond repair as I now think she is a total hypocrite and can't tolerate listening to anything she says. I'm still so angry with her over the whole thing.

Anyway, that's the perspective from someone who you would probably feel is judging you. I think you can grieve but to grieve publicly after the falling out is hard for your family to stomach.

LegacyUser

My situation is nothing like your sisters with respect. I didn't become a drama queen on her deathbed and I kept a low profile at her funeral.

This woman was my sister in law. My brother abused me when i was a child and as a young adult, I was finally able to confront him about it. My family and his wife defended him at the time and there was a major fall-out. However, after 12 months, they separated because he finally broke, and admitted that I was telling the truth all along.

I think she found it difficult to get in touch with me again and admit how wrong she'd been. She was like a big sister to me when they married - she is much closer in age to me than my sister.She was sick for a while, and I coudln't bring myself to visit her as we had not made-up.

It's hard for me to keep my distance from those who are judging me, as I live with two of them.

I am a friend

unregistered wrote: »

It's hard for me to keep my distance from those who are judging me, as I live with two of them.

Maybe so but you said it was your old neighbours as well...

I assume its your parents who are juding you but you need to remember that they have also lost a daughter in law so they have their own cross to carry...

I would again suggest, given the circumstances that you deal with your grief yourself and even get some bereavement counselling if you feel you need it.

LegacyUser

It happens in every family,if the situation was in reverse your Sis would feel just like you are feeling now.

For some odd reason many replies to you have been insensitive and cruel.

I am sure she forgives you!

I know of a Mother and Daughter who were always arguing,they agreed to always say goodnight in case the worst would happen.
The Mother died and the daughter was so glad they had made that pact.
i know this is no help to you OP but i think it is a good guideline for others.

OP you are guilty of nothing except being human.
you say you cannot describe how you feel well anybody with compassion can imagine how you do. x