Fear of sex!

LegacyUser

hi there, im a 25 yr old male and I have never had sex, Ive always been way to nervous to loose my virginity. I have previously suffered from generalized anxiety which I more or less cured from going to a counsellor and making some serious life changes.

I don't know what to do about this as I still would not feel confident enough to have sex , and gets worse as I get older because I think any woman willing to have sex with me would expect me to be more experienced than I would be now.. which is nill. I am afraid for all the usual male egotistical reasons I suppose like not being able to get an erection, penis not being big enough, and not satisfying any woman I may be with. And this is no laughing matter as it's a real problem.

I have also been asked in the past both by friends and family members if I am gay which is not the case and I was soo hurt by this it made me panic even more about the fact that i have never brought a girl home of had a girlfriend. there is ppl in my life that are seriously starting to wonder about me. I am also terrified if I don't have the confidence to loose my virginity, I will never be able to partner up, never marry or have kids, and will live and die alone, which terrifies me. How can I overcome this fear?

Its such a pain and an embarrassment as well because any opportunity I have had to have sex, I have panicked and backed out of and the girl has been like WTF is wrong with you?? Mortifying all together. I have had maybe 4 sexual encounters in total in my life at younger ages which at the time I have to say I enjoyed but there were total flukes and I wouldn't have the confidence to repeat. How can I overcome this crippling fear of sex and what the hell is wrong with me??

theg81der

Nothing "wrong" with you everyone is anxious about their first time. I think its about control and trust thou, do you think those would be issues affecting you? What I`ve learned, being a bit of an untrusting control freak, is when you feel ready close your eyes and jump of the cliff, it also helps if your doing this with someone you trust - if you don`t know or trust them enough to tell them your a virgin how can you trust them enough to sleep with them?!

There are alot more girls your age in the same position as you or who are nice enough people to understand your not giving them the chance, why?

Kadongy

I have also been asked in the past both by friends and family members if I am gay which is not the case and I was soo hurt by this it made me panic even more

A statement which is as camp as it is homophobic. Interesting combination.

Your situation is not your problem - your mental hang ups are. You could change your point of view on things. Focus on intimacy, care and pleasure, rather than performance and impressing people. You'll realise that your hang ups are not hugely relevant.

Try to think outside yourself more too. You are concerned about failing to perform or impress, which is selfish at the end of the day. You might rationalise incorrectly that it is out of consideration for the potential partner - but it really isn't. Rejecting them isn't doing anything nice for them.

LegacyUser

I lost my virginity at the age of 29! My advice:

Find a woman asap (use maybefriends). When ready arrange to have sex. Be completely honest with her just prior to sex. And don't be shy or awkward about it. Say it with confidence and affirmation. This way you will earn respect and it will help you. Say you wanted to wait, say it just didn't happen or what ever. Chances are too that the girl will like it! You can then make her feel special!

You are still quiet young you know. You're not that old! Being a virgin at 25 is not that uncommon I reckon. Nobody admits to it in public.

qwertytlk

There is nothing wrong with you! Everyone matures and experiences life at different stages, and thats fine because we are all individuals!
Everyone is nervous about their first time but as long as it is with someone who you are comfortable with, that you know and care for and most importantly can trust, then it will be a much more enjoyable experience. The fact that your a virgin shouldnt put off girls either so dont worry about that. I actually think many may find it quite endearing. When you meet the right person, get to know them first and build your relationship up to a point where you would feel comfortable to have sex. Also many girls will be delighted by the fact that you wont be trying to get them in bed, or that thats all your out for...
As for family/friends, well stop worrying what other people think as your personal life is just that-personal! Let them think what they like.
Imo, your probably just a late bloomer because of your previous anxiety issues. But now they are sorted you should start to try enjoy your life and live it to the full. Do you have a social circle? Peope you can go out with? If so i would take up as many opportunitys for nights out and general socialising. You sound like a nice guy so once you get comfortable with social situations you shouls have no problems meeting someone !

Good luck:)

beks101

It doesn't sound to me like you've overcome your anxiety problem. It sounds like it has reared its head in another way - your generalised anxiety has become more specific. You've latched onto something fairly common that you haven't yet experienced and projected all your stresses and worries and fears onto this.

It's a fear of the unknown for you really, and it could have been any unknown, it just happens to be sex that your brain selected. Probably because of your sex drive, which is probably like any other 25 year old's, and the fact that you want to be having it, you feel you should be having it, there's social pressure to be having it.

You sound like you've come along in leaps and bounds with your anxiety problems already - maybe you just need to develop your coping strategies for dealing with these head stresses and preventing them from further developing. I definitely think you should re-visit your counsellor and get to the root of this for once and for all.

fear of sex wrote: »

I am afraid for all the usual male egotistical reasons I suppose like not being able to get an erection, penis not being big enough, and not satisfying any woman I may be with. And this is no laughing matter as it's a real problem.

Here's a good place to start. You've been able to pin-point exactly what it is you fear which is great, now you just need to address them.

Sex is one big hot mess. Sure, it can be mind-blowing, but it can also be awkward, and uncomfortable, and fraught with disappointing and untimely moments and mismatched preferences and sexual incompatibility and imperfect body parts and build-ups and let-downs and that's all a part of the game. You're mounting unrealistic pressure on yourself, expecting yourself to be some sort of multi-skilled lover despite lack of experience, when for most women I know, sex is as much (if not more) about intimacy and affection and closeness to someone they like/love, as it is about the act itself.

I really think it's in your best interest to go back to your counsellor. The longer this fear festers in your head, the bigger it will become, whereas getting it out in the open will enable you to address all your irrational thoughts, step beyond the fear and open yourself up to opportunities that you've avoided so far.

LegacyUser

fear of sex wrote: »

hi there, im a 25 yr old male and I have never had sex, Ive always been way to nervous to loose my virginity. I have previously suffered from generalized anxiety which I more or less cured from going to a counsellor and making some serious life changes.

I don't know what to do about this as I still would not feel confident enough to have sex , and gets worse as I get older because I think any woman willing to have sex with me would expect me to be more experienced than I would be now.. which is nill. I am afraid for all the usual male egotistical reasons I suppose like not being able to get an erection, penis not being big enough, and not satisfying any woman I may be with. And this is no laughing matter as it's a real problem.

I have also been asked in the past both by friends and family members if I am gay which is not the case and I was soo hurt by this it made me panic even more about the fact that i have never brought a girl home of had a girlfriend. there is ppl in my life that are seriously starting to wonder about me. I am also terrified if I don't have the confidence to loose my virginity, I will never be able to partner up, never marry or have kids, and will live and die alone, which terrifies me. How can I overcome this fear?

Its such a pain and an embarrassment as well because any opportunity I have had to have sex, I have panicked and backed out of and the girl has been like WTF is wrong with you?? Mortifying all together. I have had maybe 4 sexual encounters in total in my life at younger ages which at the time I have to say I enjoyed but there were total flukes and I wouldn't have the confidence to repeat. How can I overcome this crippling fear of sex and what the hell is wrong with me??

seriously Op dont worry about it! in a way you are in a lucky position....your first time gets to special! Ive had sex once! lost it when i was 15 and im almost 21 now and you dont know how much i have regretted it! ever since then ive been terrified to have it again! im so paranoid about my body that its just taken over my life..... absolutely terrified! i know pleny of virgins! you'd be suprised how common it is!
Genuinely there is nothing wrong with you! dont ever think that!
dont waste your first time on someone just to do it! dont do what i did! you will regret it
to be honest i lost it when i was too young! and i deeply regret it! i wish i had waited for someone who i liked!

but seriously OP its nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about! you will have sex you will over come this fear you have! and the girls who have a problem with it are not worth it! just be honest with them!

hope this helped!!

theg81der

fear not my friend! wrote: »

I lost my virginity at the age of 29! My advice:

Find a woman asap (use maybefriends). When ready arrange to have sex. Be completely honest with her just prior to sex. And don't be shy or awkward about it. Say it with confidence and affirmation. This way you will earn respect and it will help you. Say you wanted to wait, say it just didn't happen or what ever. Chances are too that the girl will like it! You can then make her feel special!

You are still quiet young you know. You're not that old! Being a virgin at 25 is not that uncommon I reckon. Nobody admits to it in public.

Why would he do that!!! Don`t listen to this guy don`t just use someone for sex thats not nice maybefriends is not a sex site and women are not usable objects. How dare you!