Are you assertive?

Kimia

You hear people describing themselves as non-confrontational and easy going, like it's the default best way to be, but is it? You hear and read so many stories about workplace bullying for example, where the victim will not stand up for themselves. Or people who call themselves 'laid back' when really they are scared and timid.

I have a 'front' for sure, but behind it I too am an absolute scaredy-cat who hates confrontation and hostility! I think that would really shock my co-workers because I act like i'm the most assertive person in the world but inside I'm so not.

What about you? Are you assertive? Can you stand up to bullies or mean people?

PeefsPixie

I dont like confrontation if it can be helped and im a wuss on the inside but I wont let someone bully me. Its worse if someone started on a friend of mine then the temper comes out and I wont take any crap. With myself I tend to let alot go as a joke but if its serious then i wont take it. If you do then people just tend to think they can walk all over you. I have no problem standing up for myself or anyone else when needed

Tigger99

I am now, but only recently. I was having a really bad time of it in work, being bullied, and I thought enough is enough, I have to stand up for myself. I do it in a polite civil way, but the message is clear and it has changed the behaviour of the individual in question.

I was worried about how it would go down, but was at the end of my tether. It has worked out well and given me more confidence, both in and out of work.

Kimia

Tigger99 wrote: »

I am now, but only recently. I was having a really bad time of it in work, being bullied, and I thought enough is enough, I have to stand up for myself. I do it in a polite civil way, but the message is clear and it has changed the behaviour of the individual in question.

I was worried about how it would go down, but was at the end of my tether. It has worked out well and given me more confidence, both in and out of work.

Good for you Tigger! How did you do it?

I find work situations are awful but funnily enough I also hate fighting with my friends and almost find it more difficult to be assertive with them!

Mars Bar

I'm useless with confrontation and that means I avoid it. My friends call me "Switzerland" coz I don't get involved in anything and am completely neutral.

Novella

I'm very non-confrontational in that I hate arguments and do try my best to avoid disagreements etc. However, I definitely stand up for what I believe in, what I think is right.

I'm a pretty quiet person in general. I think a lot of people assume that I'm shy or timid but in reality, I'm just pretty thoughtful. I think a lot before I speak, especially in arguments, because if I'm going to make a point, I want it to be a good one and I want to say exactly what I mean.

I guess I'm somewhere in the middle.

Storminateacup

I don't ever go looking for trouble but I won't back down if I'm right. I don't let people walk on top of me

Miss Fluff

Really assertive and confident but really quite non-confrontational. I think non confrontational because I have a tendency to let rip/let my tongue run away with me so I tend to avoid/let it slide for the sake of those involved

Boo!!

Novella wrote: »

I'm very non-confrontational in that I hate arguments and do try my best to avoid disagreements etc. However, I definitely stand up for what I believe in, what I think is right.

I'm a pretty quiet person in general. I think a lot of people assume that I'm shy or timid but in reality, I'm just pretty thoughtful. I think a lot before I speak, especially in arguments, because if I'm going to make a point, I want it to be a good one and I want to say exactly what I mean.

I guess I'm somewhere in the middle.

I'm pretty much the same although I'm making a conscious effort to be a bit more assertive lately, just went through a break up with a manipulative guy

Kimia

It's funny but i like to think of myself as assertive, and if i had been asked this question a year ago even, I would have said 'Yes absolutely'. But if I'm really honest with myself, I only like the idea of myself being assertive. Actually doing it and living it is much harder.

I think it's rooted in self-esteem. If you don't believe you're worth standing up for yourself or you would prefer to be friends with someone regardless of how they treat you, then you're not going to be assertive.

For me sometimes I also find going overboard to aggressive. If you constantly try to avoid confrontation and avoid being assertive so that you don't look pushy etc, I find that if I do that for too long I can just blow up which is way worse.

It's about finding the balance I think. You don't want to be known as aggressive or pushy but at the same time who wants to be a doormat. And then there's the whole other question about why should you even care what other people think!

Novella

Another thing I've found in both work and college is that the most 'assertive' people simply liked the sound of their own voices. It wasn't that they had a huge opinion on any particular subject or that their opinions held any great weight, it was more often than not simply that they liked to have others listen to them. Honestly, I find that majorly off-putting in a person.

That's just in my experience.

Ickle Magoo

My mum says since I was tiny I've treated everyone as an equal, whether they be 8 or 80 and I guess I'm still a bit like that...so I don't mind tackling an issue head on.

The rest of the time I usually pick and chose my battles - though I do have an almost pathological logicality combined with a deadpan sense of humour which I think means I sound much more serious and assertive/argumentative than I actually am.

binxeo

I used to be very bravado-esq years ago. I think I was over confident and it was a pure front because I had a lot of self esteem issues and felt that nothing I had to say was worth any value so I was showy, a bit too much into my looks and appearance and worked of that for recognition. But since I have met my partner my true confidence has sky rocketed and I feel so much stronger within myself. I have more self esteem and self worth and I value myself and my opinion a lot more then I used too. I would say now that I can be shy at times but I am assertive and I wouldn't let any body walk all over me anymore. If someone does or says something I call them on it straight away. I have also learnt how to get my opinion heard without being a b**ch about it or ending up in a screaming match which makes it so much easier to speak up about something.

I also used to suffer very badly with nervous rashes that spread from my chest up to my face but I rarely get them anymore. So that says to me that I have become more confident within myself and that is not just for show anymore. The one person I have to thank for this change is my parnter. He is so amazing and believed in me so much and was and is so supportive of me that I was able to change for the better.

Lia_lia

Storminateacup wrote: »

I don't ever go looking for trouble but I won't back down if I'm right. I don't let people walk on top of me

Yeah, same here I guess.

Eve_Dublin

Yes. I stand up for myself generally but I've gone a little too far in the past. I once made one of my previous landlords cry after he gave all of us 5 days to move out of our apartment in London. I didn't shout but I was direct, cold and a little bit scary to be honest (I even scared myself a bit). The guy broke down in tears and told me he was only following orders from his boss. I felt terrible but I'd no idea, so I made him a cup of tea and we discussed the situation calmly. We ended up getting 30 days in the end.

I'd also be the kind of person to jump in and fight someone else's battles if I believe they're getting messed about. I don't think it's always welcome.

I find it difficult to strike a balance between assertive and downright scary though.

Kimia

Novella wrote: »

Another thing I've found in both work and college is that the most 'assertive' people simply liked the sound of their own voices. It wasn't that they had a huge opinion on any particular subject or that their opinions held any great weight, it was more often than not simply that they liked to have others listen to them. Honestly, I find that majorly off-putting in a person.

That's just in my experience.

Those people don't sound assertive at all and I think it's slightly unfair to say that you find assertiveness off-putting as a result. Or maybe what you meant was that you find people who like the sound of their own voices off-putting, not assertive people?

I would always view assertiveness as something to aspire to, something that's admirable.

saa

I am learning, I think its important to try and change rather than saying welp that's the way I am!

Figures of authority really still scare me, I can stand up to people but around them I forget what to say because I try so hard to clear my head of what I'm meant to say before I see them.


Although because I am "easy going and non confrontational" naturally that makes me a very good counselor and community worker people have often told me they could never imagine me giving out to them and that they could say what they needed without being worried about facing disappointment or anger.

But hey all funding for post grad courses are gone now so I may forget about being a therapist... curse you fine art BA

EmmaAstra

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Yes. I stand up for myself generally but I've gone a little too far in the past. I once made one of my previous landlords cry after he gave all of us 5 days to move out of our apartment in London. I didn't shout but I was direct, cold and a little bit scary to be honest (I even scared myself a bit). The guy broke down in tears and told me he was only following orders from his boss. I felt terrible but I'd no idea, so I made him a cup of tea and we discussed the situation calmly. We ended up getting 30 days in the end.

I'd also be the kind of person to jump in and fight someone else's battles if I believe they're getting messed about. I don't think it's always welcome.

I find it difficult to strike a balance between assertive and downright scary though.

Gotta admire that directness about the way you handled that situation!
From start to finish too. Fair play :cool:

I'm currently a work in progress- my aim is to be more assertive as part of being a clearer communicator in general. :pac:

stinkle

at the moment I've just gotten away from a horrible work environment where I was treated like muck. It had a very bad effect on my self-esteem and I think the bad treatment stemmed from the perception of me as "timid" or "shy", when actually, as another poster said above, I'm just on the quiet side and tend to get lost in my thoughts. I hate it when people perceive quiet people as weird or rude or whatever, and single them out for bad treatment.

On the other hand, I can be cheeky when I want to be, such as if a person in authority is being unreasonable and need taking down a peg or two. I've also inherited my father's temper (in a good way) - 99.99999% of the time we're laid back to the point of being taken advantage of, but BAM, if someone crosses a line then they'll know all about it! Normally this only happens if someone I've trusted has betrayed me in some way, or hurt someone I care about. Hence I never really lost the plot with anyone in work. I just didn't care enough I guess. Unfortunately in the past I've ended up being seen as the bad guy just for speaking my mind and calling someone on their bad behaviour. I always stand by the things I've said too, I've never resorted to hurling insults or abuse or anything, just telling it like it is

Novella

Kimia wrote: »

Those people don't sound assertive at all and I think it's slightly unfair to say that you find assertiveness off-putting as a result. Or maybe what you meant was that you find people who like the sound of their own voices off-putting, not assertive people?

I would always view assertiveness as something to aspire to, something that's admirable.

I'm sorry if you think it's unfair, I wasn't intending to be offensive. Personally, I just find people who do feel the need to be assertive, to comment on everything, off-putting. The saying, "Empty vessels make most noise" springs to mind.

It isn't really that I think being assertive in itself is a bad thing. That's not it at all. I suppose I just think there's a time and a place. It's just my opinion.

Posy

I would LOVE to be assertive!
Years ago, I was given the wrong change in a shop and just scampered away without saying anything rather than 'make a fuss.':o
I have since learned to be more assertive than that luckily!!

Malari

I didn't use to be, but I am much more confident in myself in the last 10 years and can definitely assert myself if I need to.

With friends, however, I find it much harder if something needs to be said. I guess in that situation there can be a lot to lose and it's not just a case of dealing with someone in a service or work situation. I have done it though, with no hard feelings!

irishh_bob

Kimia wrote: »

You hear people describing themselves as non-confrontational and easy going, like it's the default best way to be, but is it? You hear and read so many stories about workplace bullying for example, where the victim will not stand up for themselves. Or people who call themselves 'laid back' when really they are scared and timid.

I have a 'front' for sure, but behind it I too am an absolute scaredy-cat who hates confrontation and hostility! I think that would really shock my co-workers because I act like i'm the most assertive person in the world but inside I'm so not.

What about you? Are you assertive? Can you stand up to bullies or mean people?

Some people are too nice for their own good, they are simply unable to act nasty when confronted with bully's etc, bully's use lies and projection when taken to task and often accuse their victim of being at fault, I'm not against being assertive but you need to pick your battles

irishh_bob

Kimia wrote: »

Novella wrote: »

Another thing I've found in both work and college is that the most 'assertive' people simply liked the sound of their own voices. It wasn't that they had a huge opinion on any particular subject or that their opinions held any great weight, it was more often than not simply that they liked to have others listen to them. Honestly, I find that majorly off-putting in a person.

That's just in my experience.

Those people don't sound assertive at all and I think it's slightly unfair to say that you find assertiveness off-putting as a result. Or maybe what you meant was that you find people who like the sound of their own voices off-putting, not assertive people?

I would always view assertiveness as something to aspire to, something that's admirable.

Some people demonstrate assertiveness In a dogmatic and overbearing way, theese kind of people are on a power trip more than anything else and deserve to have their pomposity pricked

Das Kitty

I am learning to be assertive. I've spent most of my life quietly seething over things people say and do without addressing the issues with them at all. How can a person know that what they're doing is unacceptable to you if you don't tell them. And sometimes I would tell them, eventually. By the time I had the courage to say something I was angry, that's no way to deal with people. Either that or I'd take out my frustration on some other poor person.

So nowadays if someone is doing something that is affecting me negatively I think about what I'm going to say and I tell them. I haven't fallen out with anyone yet, in fact I think I've become closer with a few people because I'm being direct and open as to how I'm feeling with them.

In work especially, this has changed how I feel about everything. People know that if I have an issue I will tell them so they're more relaxed in dealing with me.

Novella, I wouldn't call those people you have had dealings with assertive tbh. What you describe sounds more like passive-aggressive behaviour to me. Like in certain elements of their lives they have no control so they grasp it where they can.

beks101

I would say I'm a work-in-progress. Assertive to a point but totally non-confrontational.

In work situations, well, I wouldn't have a job if I didn't stand my ground, it's just that kind of industry. Whether it's with clients or colleagues...confusion or lack of clarity on matters can lead to serious situations so I've learned to dole out the dreaded No's or set people straight on things or express my lack of tolerance for bullsh1t.

On the street, I go into autopilot when confronted with rudeness, sometimes the way I react can even overwhelm me. It just throws me over the edge when someone is needlessly rude or crosses a line with me, and I'd certainly have no qualms about dealing with it in a very public way.

But otherwise, I tend to let things fester a bit too much sometimes. I'm a thinker and if something pisses me off, often I'll over-analyse and come to some conclusion about me being partly to blame so hold my tongue until the situation becomes utterly hostile for everyone involved. That's happened with a friend and also a work colleague recently actually.

I do think it's about self-confidence, but I also think it's a skill that can be learned, the more you exercise it the easier it gets. When I was younger I was a hell of a lot more shy and retiring about things than I am now. In a sense I've had to 'toughen up' because of my job and comparing how I've dealt with things now, versus five years ago, sort of supports that idea.

irishh_bob

Das Kitty wrote: »

I am learning to be assertive. I've spent most of my life quietly seething over things people say and do without addressing the issues with them at all. How can a person know that what they're doing is unacceptable to you if you don't tell them. And sometimes I would tell them, eventually. By the time I had the courage to say something I was angry, that's no way to deal with people. Either that or I'd take out my frustration on some other poor person.

So nowadays if someone is doing something that is affecting me negatively I think about what I'm going to say and I tell them. I haven't fallen out with anyone yet, in fact I think I've become closer with a few people because I'm being direct and open as to how I'm feeling with them.

In work especially, this has changed how I feel about everything. People know that if I have an issue I will tell them so they're more relaxed in dealing with me.

Novella, I wouldn't call those people you have had dealings with assertive tbh. What you describe sounds more like passive-aggressive behaviour to me. Like in certain elements of their lives they have no control so they grasp it where they can.

i think your letting offensive people off the hook by saying they dont know they are upsetting you , many of them do , they deliberatley upset you because they are nasty people

Das Kitty

irishh_bob wrote: »

i think your letting offensive people off the hook by saying they dont know they are upsetting you , many of them do , they deliberatley upset you because they are nasty people

I'm not talking about people being offensive. I'm talking about how people deal with me. For example my boss would tell me to do something but give me no indication of what it was exactly she expected. Then when I'd deliver my work she'd tell me I'd done it wrong. So I asked her to explain in detail what it was she wanted done then we both knew what to expect and we were both happier.

A truly nasty person is very rare in my experience. And even when it appears to be the case you can find out something about them that can really open your eyes to the reason they behave the way they do. Not saying the behaviour is OK but it does give you an understanding and lets you know the correct way to deal with it from your own point of view.

In the end, the only person's behaviour I can control is my own.

irishh_bob

Das Kitty wrote: »

irishh_bob wrote: »

i think your letting offensive people off the hook by saying they dont know they are upsetting you , many of them do , they deliberatley upset you because they are nasty people

I'm not talking about people being offensive. I'm talking about how people deal with me. For example my boss would tell me to do something but give me no indication of what it was exactly she expected. Then when I'd deliver my work she'd tell me I'd done it wrong. So I asked her to explain in detail what it was she wanted done then we both knew what to expect and we were both happier.

A truly nasty person is very rare in my experience. And even when it appears to be the case you can find out something about them that can really open your eyes to the reason they behave the way they do. Not saying the behaviour is OK but it does give you an understanding and lets you know the correct way to deal with it from your own point of view.

In the end, the only person's behaviour I can control is my own.

Agree, truly nasty people are rare although some of us weren't so lucky , it's importAnt to bear in mind though that a minority of people micro manage out of malice rather than concern

Lady Chuckles

I can stand up to bullies and I do tell mean people off - especially if they are mean to others. However, I could do with asserting myself a bit more when it comes to smaller things that mean a lot to me

Faith

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Really assertive and confident but really quite non-confrontational. I think non confrontational because I have a tendency to let rip/let my tongue run away with me so I tend to avoid/let it slide for the sake of those involved

I'm about the same. I don't let people take advantage of me for a second, but I am very keen to avoid confrontation so I'll let some things slide that annoy me for the sake of peace. My co-workers joke that my bosses are afraid of me, but in truth, it's just that they know they can't take advantage of me whereas they can (and do) take advantage of a lot of the others. I grew up in a household where you had to be pretty assertive a lot of the time, and that's proved useful in the real world .