Are we just too different?

LegacyUser

Just wondering about whether sometimes people are too different to be able to make a relationship work...

My boyfriend (27) and me (24) have been together 2 years. I have just finished a masters and moved home to Donegal until I can find a job. He still lives at home (has never moved out) with his family which is about ten minutes drive from me.

The problem is this; last night he told me he wants to settle down (which I presume to mean marriage kids etc) and that he would hope I would be his wife. He also said that he intends to spend the rest of his life in Donegal, build a house next to his parents house and take over the family farm. I asked him did he ever want to leave Donegal, even to live for a few years abroad and he said no.

This kind of scared me, as when I imagine my life or our future life together I dont see it like this, I have always wanted to travel, I have family in america and I always thought that he would at least be open to the suggestion. Also there are no jobs in my area in Donegal, and I would like to pursue a PhD in the future.

What do I do? I tried to think of a compromise but I know how much he loves farming, and says it is important for him to carry on the "family legacy"....I just amnt prepared to give up all my dreams too.

Another thing that bothered me is that it would all be so close to his family (2 mins walk away...!) that I would feel almost like the outsider, its very rural and cut off from everything. Lately i have been thinking how much I miss living in a city like I did in college, so I dont know how I would handle that lifestyle....

I really do love this guy, but this new dilemma seems to just further emphasize how hugely different we are.... I am extoverted, want to have an adventure, learn things, experience life in general. I would like to do these things with him but he is more introverted, shy and happy to spend the rest of his life farming.

What do I do????

fungun

Well you asked did he want to and he said no. But did he say he wouldnt do it if it was what you wanted? You havent really made it clear how negotiable he is on this....do you mean he isnt even negotiable at all?

imo, what turns a 'boyfriend' into a 'potential husband' is the matching up of life values and expectations: morals, general values and general life plan. If your life plans are wildly different it will require compromise, perhaps from both of you. If there is an unwillingness to do this, its hard to see how you can both be happy

LegacyUser

OP here, he said that if I got a job in the UK he would move for a year, but a year only and then come home to live for good.
I then asked did he think he would he enjoy the experience or would he just be forcing himself to do that for me, and he said to be honest he didnt think he'd enjoy it.

Im just finding it hard to see how we could both compromise a little, i dont want one of us to give up everything and then resent the other person for the rest of our lives

aaghhh

holyhead

I suspect OP that you want different things in life. He want to takeover the farm from the parents with you playing wifey in rural Donegal. In fairness, based on how you put it, he was pretty definite with you and honest. You have seen and enjoyed life in the city and are still very young and want to enjoy life and see more of the world. Me thinks he may not be your the man you are due to spend the rest of your life with if you have fundamentally different aspirations in life.

Firetrap

You really need to have a long chat about this. It sounds like you both want different things and they may not be compatible. Is he farming at the moment? Would he be willing to go live with you abroad or go travelling even in the short term? It might change his perspective on life a bit?