Cold colleague - why does she hate me?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Not really a serious issue, but something I'd love a bit of outside perspective on.

Female, mid 20s, living abroad two years, and working for more than a year of it. I work in a big international organisation, a competitive, stressful environment which to be honest can be quite intimidating at times. There's a very high standard of output and little tolerance for mess ups, but I feel I've done well to keep my head above water for the past year.
I can be pretty quiet in the office (which is not my personality) but it's sort of the way I've learned to deal with the job, to get it done to the best of my ability, as I said it's a pretty intimidating place. Friendships haven't really happened for me, as have done in all my previous jobs, but I'm OK with that - a lot of the people I work with are a fair bit older than me and just dealing with the workload is always the priority. I am however always polite, obliging and willing to help in any way that I can.
Most people seem to like me at the desk - except one girl. She's sort of the 'personality' of the place - chirpy, outgoing, always laughing and making jokes, quite loud, a bit of a know-it-all...initially I actually thought I'd get on well with her. She seemed fun and seems to banter with everyone...except me. She snaps at me for the smallest things - I mean I can be literally passing on a call to her and I get the rolling-eyes and volatile 'what?' etc...she'll go from laughing and joking with another colleague, to dour-faced and exasperated in literally two seconds if I happen to address her. She can also be incredibly patronising and treats me like I know nothing - even though a few times she's corrected me on things where I've been right all along. I've never said it to her, I've always just fixed the problem quietly and moved on. I really don't understand and find it a bit daunting - if I have to work with her on a project, I'm a nervous wreck by the end of the day.
I guess I'm just wondering what the best way to deal with this is? I don't feel like addressing her is an option - by comparison to most here I'd be the 'newbie' and she would be on a higher level than me. I guess I just find it upsetting that the one person who could potentially make my work environment a little more enjoyable...is doing the very opposite. I get that not everyone is going to like me, but the hostility and snappiness and complete lack of respect I get off her is completely unwarranted from where I'm standing.
What should I do - if anything? Has anyone else dealt with this kind of thing? I guess I've never encountered it before so it makes it doubly difficult.
Thanks for reading...x

dellas1979

Office politics is wonderful isnt it?

One word to you - assertive.
You need to be more assertive and not scared of her (she knows this).

You cant loose your job for being more assertive towards a colleague.

If she says something about your work, trying to undermine you, either say "Im happy its correct" and take your stance or "Ok - Im happy with this but lets go talk to the manager get their opinion on your concerns".

Now it takes a little bit of balls at first, but I guarantee you she will back down.

If she snaps at you, ask her is there a problem. My first reaction would be "Are you alright?" said in a flat tone (not in a caring tone). To that they'd reply/snap "Yes, why". My response would be "Because YOU seem a little stressed - is there anything I can do to help?".

Am telling you, try it.

PS: She doesnt hate you. You just need to stand up to her as she is getting away with it (Id do the same to be honest). Maybe you are a threath to her/she sees you as competition, but she defo doesnt hate you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

Dallas1979, that makes a lot of sense. However my reaction to reading that was 'jesus, I just couldn't'...I guess that's part of the problem. I am totally intimidated and second guessing myself in this job on an almost daily basis. I mean, this girl seems so friendly and outgoing and affable with everyone else that it's hard not to take it personally. I've had thoughts like 'it is because I'm so quiet, am I not friendly enough, am I too serious...'

Sometimes she's so snappy or I can see such intolerance in her eyes that it's like she can't contain her hatred for me - the oddest reaction I've ever had personally as generally I'm hardly the most offensive of people, I'm pretty easy going, polite, friendly, good-natured.

Plus it doesn't help that it's a weird office politics as it is. I came into the company on an entry level basis, and although I've moved up for the most part, I am still freelance so cover a variety of different shifts, sometimes including the entry level one I came in on. That role is hardly one bestowed with great respect and you can be an easy target for abuse and blame because you're essentially doing other people's dirty work. That said, I simply can't imagine treating someone with such contempt, I mean to me it's just a good judge of character. Not that it makes it any easier when I'm sitting there being barked at by her.

So far my way of dealing has just been minimal interaction, talk to her only when necessary and just be polite and impersonal. Doesn't help that it's an open plan office and she sits right across from me, basically listening to all my conversations and general interactions.

Ugh. How do people like this exist? To the first poster - I live in Canada and she's Canadian,

Mighty_Mouse

I'd agree with the above "assertive" comment.

by comparison to most here I'd be the 'newbie'

This is straight up competition.
She's used to being the only office girl with a personality.
(She senses you have one)

You don't have to bide your time to be entitled to an opinion.
People treat you how you accept being treated.

It takes level of confidence & self-determination to move abroad & suceed in a large organisation. This is minor to the obstacles you've overcome before.

You need to highlight her behaviour. Gently at first.
A look:
An inquisitive look in response to strange behaviour.

Silense is golden:
A prolonged pause before responding.

Logic:
"Excuse me, could you repeat that"
"Excuse me, could you explain that"

Humour:
"So you want me to answer the phone before it rings now?"

Confrontation:
" I understand you're stressed but watch your tone when you speak to me in future"

Chinafoot

OP, thats a shítty situation to be in but, as hard as you might find it, unless you open your mouth it will continue. At the moment she has absolutely no reason to change the way she treats you. You haven't spoken back and you haven't made management aware of whats going on.

The next time she snaps or rolls her eyes at you tell her you would like to speak to her. Ask her if she has a problem with you and tell her that you have found her behaviour towards you to be very hostile. See what she has to say for herself. If you go directly to management you'll more than likely be asked if you had made any attempt to speak to this woman in private about the issue.

She's threatened by you, plain and simple. I worked with a girl years who was similar. While she wasn't the life and soul of the office, her mood determined the mood of everyone and it was a horrible environment to work in. She took a dislike to me when I didn't ignore a colleague that she hated (no word of a lie, serious playground mentality) and after that she made my life hell in work. She told lies about me to co-workers and said I was refusing to speak to her, nonsense like that. I put up with it for a while and it was soul-destroying going in to work knowing that this was what I was facing. In the end I snapped. She did her usual *roll eyes, big sigh* when I asked her something about a customer and I asked her outright "What is your problem?" I got the inevitable "I don't have a problem" in response so I told her that she very clearly did have a problem, that she had been behaving like a schoolyard bully and if she didn't give it up I would have no problem making a formal complaint to the boss. Unsurprsingly, like most bullies she was also a coward and she backed down straight away.

Now I'm not suggesting that you be as direct as that, but I do think you need to say something to her. I would also keep a log of all incidents in case you need to speak to HR.

LegacyUser

I'm a woman and I work in an office alongside another woman who for some unknown (to me) reason absolutely hates my guts. She has subjected me to a few years of psychological bullying. Not outright verbal abuse or anything like that but more insidious stuff. I'm not going to go into the details but it was enough to warrant my going to see a counsellor.

I tried being pleasant and building bridges but she was having none of it. So I went to my manager who has been great. He warned her and it did make a big difference. She's still no angel and at times can't help herself but it really is a comfort to know that her behaviour has been noted. She knows that if she steps out of line, the big guns will be coming in.

So, I see you have two choices.
1 Either stand up to her and assert yourself.
2 Go talk to your manager or HR.

dellas1979

whydoesshehateme? wrote: »

my reaction to reading that was 'jesus, I just couldn't'...

Ah yes you could.
The alternative is you keep complaining about it - it puts you off going to work-you pack in your job or you just put up with it.

I wouldnt take what she is doing personal, but you are looking at it from your point of view. Try not looking at it from any point of view, and try the above. Its very subtle. Its got to do with solid communication, eye contact, and body language. If you are going to act all mousy to her, she will treat you like that. She doesnt see you on an even footing as she does herself. Right or wrong as that may be, some people are like this in the work place.

In an ideal world you shouldnt have to deal with this, but is this an ideal world? YOU have to learn to deal with it, and MAKE her believe that YOU believe you are worth it.

PS: Dont be frightened. Believe me, Ive had to deal with situations far worse than this (not to make light of your situation of course), and it will teach you something if you do do it.