Girlfriends past bothering me.

LegacyUser

I'm going unregged for this,

I'm a 30 year old male engaged to a wonderful 31 year old women. Until recently things have been going fantastic. We have a super relationship. Full of happiness, trust and genuine loving feelings for each other.

Then one night we got talking after a few drinks. We got talking about our previous relationships and conquests. I have never been the jealous type and would never have an issue with a partners ex. Then she told me that she use to casually be seeing an old friend of mine.

They where never serious although I believe it to be true I do believe she really liked him. I also found out she was "intimate" with him. They didn't sleep together but there was some "touching" involved.

I must say, this hurt me and really left me for 6! I know how silly and immature this sounds and even as I type it I realise it but that still doesn't stop it from bothering me! Bothering me a lot, almost to the extent of calling of the wedding!

I have no idea why this bothers me so much as I have never had a problem or issue with any of my previous partners ex's. Maybe it could be because around the time it happened between them I asked my fiance for her number and she rejected me. So in a way I feel almost 2nd best!

Maybe because, we live in a small area and the actual guy she was involved with is a loose associate.

I know this probably sounds so silly and to be honest it is, but I just can't seem to forget it!
It's never far from my mind and is affecting my day to day life. It is also really affecting my relationship. It's also not fair on my fiance. She is a fantastic women a real diamond and it's her past and deserves to be left there and not sabotage our future together.

But at the minute it is! I have gone to two different counsellors and at the start they worked well but after a while I was sick of just repeating myself.

I'm wondering if anybody has any ideas or suggestions about what I could do, or where I could go to see anybody who could help me let go of the past?

I was thinking along the lines of hypnosis or something? Anybody have any suggestions or help? Please? I'm almost appealing!

Thanks for taking the time to read my problem and I look forward to hearing your response.

Thank you.

IrishEyes19

confused30malecork wrote: »

I'm going unregged for this,

I'm a 30 year old male engaged to a wonderful 31 year old women. Until recently things have been going fantastic. We have a super relationship. Full of happiness, trust and genuine loving feelings for each other.

Then one night we got talking after a few drinks. We got talking about our previous relationships and conquests. I have never been the jealous type and would never have an issue with a partners ex. Then she told me that she use to casually be seeing an old friend of mine.

They where never serious although I believe it to be true I do believe she really liked him. I also found out she was "intimate" with him. They didn't sleep together but there was some "touching" involved.

I must say, this hurt me and really left me for 6! I know how silly and immature this sounds and even as I type it I realise it but that still doesn't stop it from bothering me! Bothering me a lot, almost to the extent of calling of the wedding!

I have no idea why this bothers me so much as I have never had a problem or issue with any of my previous partners ex's. Maybe it could be because around the time it happened between them I asked my fiance for her number and she rejected me. So in a way I feel almost 2nd best!

Maybe because, we live in a small area and the actual guy she was involved with is a loose associate.

I know this probably sounds so silly and to be honest it is, but I just can't seem to forget it!
It's never far from my mind and is affecting my day to day life. It is also really affecting my relationship. It's also not fair on my fiance. She is a fantastic women a real diamond and it's her past and deserves to be left there and not sabotage our future together.

But at the minute it is! I have gone to two different counsellors and at the start they worked well but after a while I was sick of just repeating myself.

I'm wondering if anybody has any ideas or suggestions about what I could do, or where I could go to see anybody who could help me let go of the past?

I was thinking along the lines of hypnosis or something? Anybody have any suggestions or help? Please? I'm almost appealing!

Thanks for taking the time to read my problem and I look forward to hearing your response.

Thank you.

You need to take a step back from the situation and realise people date people. Friends have dated friends, they have dated friends of friends and in some cases relatives of relatives. the point is, dating happens. And the most important point is, she is with you now and marrying YOU. Stop creating unncessary drama in your relationship with your fiance or you will drive her away with your insecurities.

seeing yourself as second best isnt even in the equation. of course she rejected you when you asked her out first. She was dating someone else, and besides the fact that you know him, doesnt that show she is trustworthy and decent.

the relationship didnt work out, but yours had, and you are marrying the woman you love. take some happiness in the fact that you have a great future with her, but its up to you, to let go of this and make it great.

there is no issue with your fiances past, its your fears thats the problem. she has done nothing wrong, other than fall in love at the right time with you, and if you keep this up, you could lose that.

rediguana25

Guys the OP knows it's irrational and that her past is the past that's not the issue. It's the fact that it's become such a big deal in his head and he can't move on or shake it off! Try to just sit down in silence on your own and ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Don't actively think about it just do nothing, relax and consider whatever feelings or thoughts that come to mind / your gut feeling.
I think you've already partly answered this question when you said perhaps it's because she didn't take your number and you're afraid of being second best. Is there something else there?
Don't beat yourself up about feeling this way the more you do the more you'll end up thinking of it and keep it as an issue. Just decide that it's something that you have to address but that it's also only a one small issue when you consider the great relationship you have otherwise. It may help you put some perspective on it.
Then once you're clear about the reason it bothers you so much sit down and talk to your fiance about it. Remember it's your issue not hers and she has nothing to feel bad/ apologetic about but you know that so just talk to her about it from that angle letting her know that you know it's irrational. You will get through this because you'll realise that it's not something to end a relationship over.

Distorted

Realistically OP you are not going to get a woman without a past unless you deliberately date only 18 year old virgins. It is more likely than not that your girlfriend will have dated someone in the local vicinity in your age group. Unless she was very unattractive/shy/reticent. She seems to have behaved very well - she did not involve you at the time and didn't even sleep with him. I think your issue with this is jealousy and you have to work through how irrational this is - you weren't even together with her at the time.

Call off the wedding and you only risk indulging this personality trait of yours, and it will no doubt resurrect itself in future relationships, but possibly in an even more irrational way. You also risk gaining a reputation as being a bit flaky and controlling if you think such drastic action in response to nothing at all is a good solution.

Maybe you need to think what is most important to you - getting married or indulging your feelings of irrational jealousy in your mind?

Mighty_Mouse

This all stems from your own insecurities.
Do you not believe you're the best man she's ever had?
The fact she's marrying would indicate you are.

This type of negative emotion is the path to an unhappy life.

Tandey

Dude just talk to her about it and tell her how you feel and just let her know that you know yourself its a stupid feeling you have but you can't help it and tell her anyway and listen to her, hopefully she will put your mind to rest, its the best way to sort things out is talking and opening your mind up about stuff like this with your partner, and enjoy your wedding.

Semele

Tandey wrote: »

Dude just talk to her about it and tell her how you feel and just let her know that you know yourself its a stupid feeling you have but you can't help it and tell her anyway and listen to her, hopefully she will put your mind to rest, its the best way to sort things out is talking and opening your mind up about stuff like this with your partner, and enjoy your wedding.

I don't agree with that at all- talking at any length to her only furthers the notion that he has a rightful grievance here. What's she going to be able to do about it? All it's going to do is push responsibility for his feelings onto her. He knows that it's irrational, that she's with him because she wants to be etc, etc...it's not up to her to have to reassure him over an issue of petty jealousy.

I've seen things like this blow out of all proportion and the "guilty" party end up apologising repeatedly for actions they took when they were free and single, just because the other party can't deal with their own emotions. They end up being treated as though they've cheated or something!

iguana

confused30malecork wrote: »

I have gone to two different counsellors and at the start they worked well but after a while I was sick of just repeating myself.

I'm wondering if anybody has any ideas or suggestions about what I could do, or where I could go to see anybody who could help me let go of the past?

I was thinking along the lines of hypnosis or something? Anybody have any suggestions or help? Please? I'm almost appealing!

Have you looked into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? It's a type of therapy that avoids going over your issues but instead focuses on teaching you ways to move forward. It might be worth considering seeing as how you know all the reasons your feelings are irrational and want to find away to get over them rather than continue to hash them out.

estar

i second the cognitive therapy idea, you have become obsessed with this thought and need to learn to block it, as seriously, it threatens your ongoing happiness.

you know that rationally this thought makes no sense, it means nothing that she went out with others before you. she is spending all her time with you and is willing to spend her life with you. it is your own lack of self esteem that is driving your thoughts around this other man. if you believed in yourself, you would think, i must be way better, she is marrying me.

its great you recognise that this is your problem, and are willing to deal with it.

well done on that, and good luck

LegacyUser

Hi All,

OP again. Thank you sincerely for replying to my little problem. I'm sure everybody has their own issues to deal with so thank you.


@ IrishEyes19.... I know what your saying is true. If a friend of mine came to me in my situation I would be saying the exact same to him. Some of the problem is the fact that he is the one who dumped her. He was casually dating her when he wanted and she just ran and jumped. And it only ended when he pulled the plug. So in my eyes she was obviously mad into him to put up with that, and there is a chance that they could still be seeing each other now only for he done the dumping.

@ Sunflower27.... again I know what your saying to be true but I find it very hard to get over it. Why I don't know. I never had a problem with any of my ex girlfriends partners or even this girl but it's just this one guy. If only it was that easy to forget about and move on.

@ Rediguana25... Thank you. I do sit down and put things into perspective and realise how silly it is. After reading all your replies I know how silly it is and how very lucky I am to have such a wonderful girlfriend. But, it just keeps on creeping back up onto me and It really bothers me.

@ Sunflower27 again.... I agree with you. You speak a lot of sense. Maybe it is insecurity. A strong possibility. But what do I do to fix it?? It is starting to put strain on the relationship. I can't pretend I'm ok and happy when I'm not. It's not fair on my well being and also not fair on my fiancées.

@ Distorted...I know I'm not going to get a virgin. I'm not looking for a virgin. I accept everybody has a past myself included. It's just this one guy bothers me so much.

@ Mighty_Mouse... Tbh, I don't know if I do feel I'm the best man. This guy messed her about and ignored her at times and she still kept running back. Even after all that he was the one that pulled the plug! Not her. Maybe she wishes she was still with him! Why did she put up with his crap and keep going back to him?

@ Tandey... I have talked about it briefly and she got real upset. I'm not to keen on keep talking about it because it is her past. Its my issue not hers. She says she regrets it and hates me bringing it up. It would be unfair on me to continue bringing it up.

@ iguana... Thanks very much for the positive suggestion. I will look into it. Thank you.

@ estar... Again thank you also for your suggestion. I will look into CBT. I do recognise the problem and know its MY problem and want to fix it for us. Thanks for the kind words folks.

I look forward to hearing your responses.

Thank you again.

I am a friend

Op if its any help - my ex was a knob and I should have ran from him within
3 months and not wasted 1.5 years of my life on him. He finished with me - would I want him back? No way!!! Would I swap him for my oh ??? Not for all the stars in the sky.

We all make mistakes in lIfe and normally, if we have any cop on, after being involved with a bad man, we learn from it and recognise and want a good man. You are her good man - don't mess it up with this rubbish going round your head.

LegacyUser

OP are you the same person you were 10 years ago?
are you the same person you were 5 or even a year ago?

People move on from their past, its what makes them learn and grow.

She doesnt want or need that guy anymore, something was lacking it didnt go anywhere so they split. He is a Cast-off

Whereas with YOU, she choose YOU to marry HER.
She had free will and could have said NO, but she wishes to be with YOU

YOU and HER have something way more then that other GUY, If anyone should have a "complex" it should be his on what he did wrong, why he isnt more like you, why does she love you so much more than him - I could go on

I'd leave him to the worries/"complex" and park yours :-)

LegacyUser

Op Remember she Chose to be with you. Not with anybody else. Don't let jealousy destroy your life. As you say, you found a diamond and most guys would give anything for that. What happened years ago is in the past , none of your business and as i say she chose you so don't beat yourself up. Onwards and Upwards , look forward to the wedding and a wonderful life with her. All the Best.

Mighty_Mouse

@ Mighty_Mouse... Tbh, I don't know if I do feel I'm the best man. This guy messed her about and ignored her at times and she still kept running back. Even after all that he was the one that pulled the plug! Not her. Maybe she wishes she was still with him! Why did she put up with his crap and keep going back to him?

Relationship breakdowns are rough rollarcoasters.
Have you ever experienced someone you care about telling you they no longer want you in their life?
Picture what would happen should your girlfriend decide to dump you tomorrow.
Have you ever felt rejection which makes you re-consider everything about yourself, which reduces your self-worth to zero?
It does funny things to people & often fighting it turns into making the other person change their opinion of you.
You're lacking sympathy for the breakdown of her previous relationship.
You're lacking understanding of the reasons why she's with you.

My guess would be she found someone who was un-wavering in his appreciation of her. You made her realise what a proper relationship can be. You brought things to the table the other guy couldn't dream of, which I presume is why she decided to marry you.

I would focus less on her past with some guy & more on building confidence on why she's with you.
She clearly loves you.
Maybe you need her to say it more or show you through her actions how much she appreciates you. I don't think it would be unreasonable to request this of the woman you are about to marry.

LegacyUser

Hi folks, the OP again here.

I know I am being silly and it would be silly to let such a perfect thing slip away from me. But I can't keep going on the way I am and I have to try to understand it and stop it. I have tried counselling but didn't really find it to beneficial.

I'm going to try CBT and see if that will work. Has anybody had any experiences with CBT?

Can't believe that this has affected me so much. Thanks for taking the time out to reply. Thank you.

daisybelle2008

confused30malecork wrote: »

Why did she put up with his crap and keep going back to him?

I think this question might be causing your problem. I don't think you would have the issue if she had ended it with him. In other words it is not so much she has a past love you are threatened by, but that she had such poor standards for her own happiness in a relationship in the past.

Jimmy Bottlehead

confused30malecork wrote: »

Hi folks, the OP again here.

I know I am being silly and it would be silly to let such a perfect thing slip away from me. But I can't keep going on the way I am and I have to try to understand it and stop it. I have tried counselling but didn't really find it to beneficial.

I'm going to try CBT and see if that will work. Has anybody had any experiences with CBT?

Can't believe that this has affected me so much. Thanks for taking the time out to reply. Thank you.

Hey OP.

I've had that EXACT same problem, cost me at least one relationship and hurt two others before I copped on.

CBT helped a lot, but what it genuinely came down to was this:

A) Accept she messed about with another guy when she was single, same as you messed about with other girls. And quite possibly, you were more busy than she was when single. Accept that she's not on a pedestal, she's human and had experiences and made mistakes before you - but as she is now, that's who you fell for. She was different back then, and you can move forward knowing that

OR

Keep re-hashing the same hurtful thoughts about her, seeing her with this other guy... letting hurt grow into resentment, expecting her to somehow change her past, and being pissed off when she can't.

If you choose A, you get to keep her.

If you choose B, let her go because she deserves a bigger man than you presently are. And I say that knowing full well that until I grew up and realised how little these things mattered, I was a small, petty guy and the girls I was with DID deserve better.

LegacyUser

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Hey OP.

I've had that EXACT same problem, cost me at least one relationship and hurt two others before I copped on.

CBT helped a lot, but what it genuinely came down to was this:

A) Accept she messed about with another guy when she was single, same as you messed about with other girls. And quite possibly, you were more busy than she was when single. Accept that she's not on a pedestal, she's human and had experiences and made mistakes before you - but as she is now, that's who you fell for. She was different back then, and you can move forward knowing that

OR

Keep re-hashing the same hurtful thoughts about her, seeing her with this other guy... letting hurt grow into resentment, expecting her to somehow change her past, and being pissed off when she can't.

If you choose A, you get to keep her.

If you choose B, let her go because she deserves a bigger man than you presently are. And I say that knowing full well that until I grew up and realised how little these things mattered, I was a small, petty guy and the girls I was with DID deserve better.

Can I just say this is one of the best posts I have ever seen on boards. The fact that you are big enough to be able to stand up and say what you said is fantastic. Fair play to you and credit where credit is due.

I plan on going down the CBT route and get to the bottom of this problem. Its MY issue and don't want it to cost MY relationship the way it has done with Jimmy's.

That post by yourself could literally change my life. My sound sappy but it's true. The fact that you have been there and come through it and realised what's important gives me great hope.

Thank You.