Together 9 years, not sure anymore

LegacyUser

I need some advice, not sure what to do about this. Been with my girlfriend for about 9 years, since I was 18, but now Im starting to feel like I need to live my life on my own, to experience new things and almost to see if I miss her. The "if you love someone, set them free" thing, in a way. I'm not sure if I would.

At the moment we're living in Oz, and had been travelling before that for about 6 months. It was during this traveling and living abroad that I started to feel that ive missed out on a lot of lifes experiences by being in a long term relationship. She's the only woman I've slept with. Our sex life has dropped off big time in the last couple of years, and it's gotten to the stage where I have to pester her for sex. It's like an inconvenience for her, if I don't initiate it it won't happen, and that doesnt seem to bother her. It's dropped off to about once every 6-8 weeks I I'm lucky, and i can't be bothered nagging and practically begging her anymore.

I'm just not feeling much connection with her anymore, and I think a lot about being single, and being with other women. I don't really enjoy her company anymore, and although we get along, we have different interests now, and I find aspects of her personality childish and annoying. We have more travel plans in the works, and I feel guilty planning or discussing these wih her when inside I am thinking of ending it, and would prefer to be setting out alone.

We're living in a new country now, so ending things is a lot more complicated. It seems unfair to do it while we're abroad, leaving her without her family to fall back on, but I didn't intend for this to happen. It was the travelling that made me realise how I really felt. I would have no problems finding somewhere else to live etc and continuing my travelling and working, but I would worry about her and how she would cope. She is very reliant on me for a lot of things, and I do most of the organising and planning etc. This itself is another reason why we need time apart, I think she needs to learn to fend for herself, and that it would make her stronger in the long run.

I honestly don't know how she would handle it or what she would do. As far as she's aware we have plans, and are travelling together again next year. She would have the money to just fly home, or to friends who are in another part of Oz. We move from our current accommodation in a few weeks so that mint be a good time to bring it up, give her some options?

Anyone experienced anything like this before? I know what I want to do but doing it and upsetting her is the hard part.



The complicated part is ending the relationship. We're living together in a new country, so just breaking up is difficult. I would be fine looking after myself,

Sleepy

Your 27 and practically having to beg for sex whilst travelling the world?

End it and go enjoy your travels rather than playing babysitter.

LeeHoffmann

OP, if you're sure you want to break up with her then you have to do it. Sure, it's going to be difficult and far from ideal. You can offer to help her get to friends/family. But it's not fair to string her along if you really don't want to be with her. She may suspect you're pulling away anyway.

eyescreamcone

She gotta go
She gotta go

Sex every 6-8 weeks???
Sounds like you're single already mate!

Curry Addict

does she not diserve the opportunity to put all this right? after so long together you guys have wandered off on the wrong track, it should be possible to get back on track with a bit of work from both of you.

you really should discuss your relationship regularly with your partner and ensure both of you are happy with your current balance. if not happy simply mark certain things you both need to change.

i think its unfair on her just to cut and run.

AnonoBoy

A lot of people are perfect for each other in their late teens but grow to be totally different adults.

In college I saw it lots with people around 22/23 staying with someone they'd been with since they were 15, hating it but not knowing that this is not what relationships are supposed to be.

People often think "oh I can't break up with her/him because I don't know how they'll take it." In my opinion that's just an excuse they use because they're a bit scared of doing the breaking up themselves. You know what? She'll be fine. Everyone gets dumped at some point in their lives. She may cry, she may shout, she may text you constantly, block you on Facebook, say she wishes she never met you etc. etc. But she'll be fine. She has friends. She has family. She has money. You're not abandoning her in the Outback or anything.

Ask yourself this - if she dumped you in the morning would you feel devastated or relieved?

From your post I think the answer might just be relieved.

I think you know what you should do.

ManOfMystery

OP, I was in a couple of relationships that I outgrew, but I made the mistake of staying in them far longer than I should have. Like, one relationship was really kinda over for me after 3yrs of us being together, but I still stuck it out for another 18 months - talk about flogging a dead horse.

My reasons for doing so were varied - worried how she would cope without me (she was quite dependent on me), trying to put off all the drama that comes with a breakup, not sure if I was making the right decision, etc, etc.

As the years have passed, I've realised I should have listed to my inner voice and just ended it after 3yrs rather than dragging things out.

My advice is this : trust your instincts. If you don't feel happy and feel you're missing out on life - especially the opportunities that present themselves when travelling extensively like you are - then get out of the relationship, now. Whatever reasons you have for putting it off, ignore them and just do it - you'll be doing both of you a favour in the long run.

It's very clear from your post that you've totally lost interest in the relationship, and that's nothing to feel guilty about - a lot of people who get together at a young age will grow and change dramatically as they get older, and pursue different interests. Just be honest with her.

floorpie

"if you love someone, set them free"

Eh I don't think that that saying is for people who are *initiating* the break up to use...

To me it sounds like you're having issues that any/every relationship will have after 9 years. I don't know why PI/RI are so quick to come up with definite, absolute answers to question they don't fully understand.

Sleepy

I'd say it's because if their relationship is in this state when they're off on a dream holiday, how long could it possibly survive under the strain of real life: difficulties with finances, unemployment, children etc. The only time a couple should be going without sex for anything like 6 weeks should be after childbirth or a medical problem of some sort.

Ickle Magoo

I'd be absolutely horrified if my sex life dwindled to once every 6-8wks and I was left begging for physical affection - seriously, what's the point of feeling unattractive, unloved and rejected when there are so many other people in the world to enjoy every aspect of life with?

If there is no sexual chemistry, no connection, you have nothing in common any more and you don't particularly enjoy her company then I don't see you have relationship worth salvaging and you really owe it to yourself to stop just going through the motions out of habit. As someone who's been living with their partner for 11 years now I can state categorically that is not something every couple goes through - not even close tbh.

All the very best.

floorpie

Sleepy wrote: »

I'd say it's because if their relationship is in this state when they're off on a dream holiday, how long could it possibly survive under the strain of real life: difficulties with finances, unemployment, children etc. The only time a couple should be going without sex for anything like 6 weeks should be after childbirth or a medical problem of some sort.

I'm not disagreeing with you, if i had my way everybody would have sex quotas that they have to fulfill, and i suppose i'd over-see the whole thing and help make up any shortfalls. But in the real world the average frequency for sex in that age group is something like once every 4 weeks, which makes complete layman's sense considering the biology of it all. And frequency goes down the longer you're in a relationship, and also depending on circumstances (i'd imagine that having a stable private residence would help, right?). That doesn't mean he has to be happy with the frequency...but it's more complicated than 'No sex?! Breakup!'.

Anyway, all of his reasons are hokey..."we have different interests now", "she has a few childish traits", "our sex drives aren't the same" (they probably never will be, by the way, your sex drive is going to go up and down too just so you know), "i'm missing out on life experiences" (they're traveling the world for god's sake), "we need time apart because it would be for her own good". If you want to break up and not work on a 9 year relationship then break up, be a man about it, and don't f*ck her over in the meantime. None of us can tell you it's right or wrong based on anything you've said though, it's all been contrived to fit the result you want.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

As someone who's been living with their partner for 11 years now I can state categorically that is not something every couple goes through

Of course it's not, but a sizable chunk do.

Edit: having said that, i truly understand your frustration at the frequency...i just mean that it's work-on-able.

More edits: Sorry, it looks like i missed the most important part of the post:

I know what I want to do but doing it and upsetting her is the hard part.

You'll never break up with somebody and not upset them. Even if it's genuinely for the best, a person will be affected to some degree. It's going to take you both (you included) quite a long time to fully get over a nine year relationship. Just do it without being a dick and cut contact as soon as it's possible, she'll cope.

Ickle Magoo

floorpie wrote: »

But in the real world the average frequency for sex in that age group is something like once every 4 weeks, which makes complete layman's sense considering the biology of it all.

Not according to the Kinsey institute who have the average as twice a week - not that it matters, if the OP isn't satisfied and he gives pretty much no redeeming qualities to his relationship then perhaps the sensible thing to do is to call it a day? Begging for sex at 27 is no way to live life - and the kind of resentment such refusals to enter into physical relations brings is nearly always a relationship killer one way or the other.

floorpie

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Not according to the Kinsey institute who have the average as twice a week - not that it matters, if the OP isn't satisfied and he gives pretty much no redeeming qualities to his relationship then perhaps the sensible thing to do is to call it a day? Begging for sex at 27 is no way to live life - and the kind of resentment such refusals to enter into physical relations brings is nearly always a relationship killer one way or the other.

I had a big reply typed out and my browser crashed so i'll just summarize it...

Apologies if i got that figure wrong, i'm pretty sure that the average for people in that age group was 80 times a year or so...maybe that was for all relationship statuses rather than cohabiting. Kinsey's reports did show declining frequencies with lengths of relationships though, and they also weren't exactly bulletproof reports.

But anyway you're right, begging for sex isn't any way for a relationship to be. But seeing as we're talking about studies, there's one that shows that reductions in sexual frequency are linked to reductions in relationship satisfaction on the mans part, but on the other side, reductions in relationship satisfaction on the woman's part are linked to reductions in sexual satisfaction. Eh, that is to say, the man's more likely to be unhappy with the relationship and break up if they have less sex, but the woman's more likely to have less sex and break up if she's unhappy with the relationship. So if their sex life was...healthier before, ye'd have to wonder why it's getting worse now, no? Maybe she's stressed about traveling, maybe she's homesick, maybe the OP is becoming more distant because he's daydreaming about being single all the time, maybe begging for sex is off-putting, but whatever it is, it's not definitely irreparable...or what i mean, and meant in the other post is, *we* don't know that it's irreparable so we can't exactly say "break up" with any sort of authority.

Oh and just while i'm thinking about it and just for completeness i guess, there are lots and lots of studies showing links between declining quality in communication between partners and both sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Anyway you're right, it doesn't sound good, at least.

Ickle Magoo

None of the stats I can find suggest anything like once a month for the 20's age-group - in fact despite the declining frequency even the 40-49yr old age group beat an average of once a month at 69 times a year...so I just thought it was really rather unfair to make that claim or make claims about any/every/large chunks of the population based on such claims when the OP complains about the frequency of sex in his relationship.

If the OP said all was wonderful barring the sex issue, I don't think breaking up would have been such a popular suggestion - but as the OP doesn't seem to like anything about the relationship and the begging for very infrequent sex seems to be the icing on a rather pointless and unpleasant cake, it seems silly to suggest he keep at it.

I'd suggest you lay your cards on the table OP - and gauge from the reaction whether you can immediately go your separate ways or you have to travel with her for a while until she gets used to the idea and can make alternative arrangements.

All the very best.

floorpie

I just checked that and I'm completely wrong about that figure, you're right, i wont correct the original post seeing as we've talked about it and the discussion wouldn't make sense then. But still (going by the figures you're looking at, so far as i can see..), 15-30% of people in couples in that age group have sex less than one a month, that's a 'sizable chunk'. And sex drive still isn't absolute anyway, they presumably used to have sex dramatically more frequently if he's only upset about it now. So it comes across as a bit of a lame excuse to me, not because it isn't a problem if it never changed, but just given how frenetic and debatable (on her part) the rest of the list is. You don't need to convince us/her of why you want to breakup, either way.

rediguana25

OP you really need to sit down with your gf and talk about this. You asked if anyone was in a similar situation - well there were elements of my past relationship which reminds me so much of where you're at right now.

I was with my ex for 9 yrs from when I was 20 - we travelled for a few years together and were totally dependent on each other. We lived together for most of that 9 yrs too so it was like a marriage. Although we were really close and loved each other we just grew apart..simple as..and part of that growing apart was the lack of sex life (similar dry spells as yourselves) -although it wasn't just one person who didn't make the effort- if I'm being honest we both let it slip for one reason or another.

The point is it is so understandable to fall out of love with someone if you get together so young. Your 20's are your formative years and you really only get to grow into yourself in your late 20s/30's (and sometimes never for some people ) What I'm saying is you are being honest here and opening up about how you feel but you really have to open up like this and be honest with her.
The thing that I really didn't do for a long time before our break up but I wish that I did was to listen to my gut- what is that niggling voice telling you? Well I believe you have already written it down above but just let it come to you and make sure that what you have written is really what you truly want. It is very possible that she feels the same thing but just hasn't listened to her own inner voice either.

In my situation I broached the subject with my ex (when I had a few too many wines one night..eek) and I realised that he felt the same way. Although it was the hardest life changing thing it was definitely the best thing for me! If I didn't bring it up that night it would have eventually come up because although I could have covered it up for another while it just doesn't go away. Fear can stop you from talking about it - fear of how she will react, fear of what will happen but you should actually be more afraid of keeping yourselves tied to a relationship that isn't working in it's current form because neither of you will be happy.

You know what you want you just have to be strong, be open, caring and respectful and you never know you may, like me, end up being really great friends!!
Best of luck and let us know how you get on

floorpie

I don't think throwing around statistics achieves anything.

The OP is not satisfied regardless of whether sex once every 6-8weeks is normal for 30% of people his age or not.

Yeah that's pretty obvious, I said the same thing repeatedly. The reason i pointed it out wasn't to say "but you should be happy" to the OP, but to say to everyone else that they've no basis for saying "you should break up"...we only know one side. If you're going to suggest anything, why not say 'talk about it' first?

Firetrap

I reckon the sooner you do this, the better. There's never an ideal time to break up with someone; it's not helped by your being abroad but what choice do you have really? As you've said, she's got the money to fly home or to friends so it's not as if you'd be leaving her high and dry. You're not doing either of you any favours by keeping this relationship going.

greenprincess

I broke up with a boyfriend after 4 years together while we were in Australia. It was hard but it was what I knew we needed to do. I think if we had been in Ireland a few more years we probably would have coasted along but going travelling with someone shows you what they are truely truely like!
If you think this is something you need to do, I think you should do it