Lonely in mid-thirties:any advice?

LegacyUser

Hi there! I am in my mid-thirties, have a nice home, great family and a few great friends. Thankfully I have a good job as well.
All my life I have battled generalised anxiety & had lowish self esteem & then developed OCD in my twenties. This has been a long and ongoing battle involving medication, lots of reading, numerous sessions with a CBT therapist etc etc. My ocd involves obsessive thoughts of various kinds: is like a hamster going round & round: I manage it with meds, seeing my cbt therapist, meditation, exercise...

The thing is, I find life a bit lonely. I have great family; most of whom now have partners and kids (ie their own lives.) I am very open about all my 'stuff' with all my family and friends!My mates are mostly married now and many have kids. We text, phone, whatssap all the time, but I dont physically see them as much at all. My schoolfriends I contact via text or facebook but dont see them much anymore. Sometimes I am dying to go out at weekends and everyone is 'busy'! Is crap but I accept this is the way life goes.
Girlfriendwise, things have been very wobbly: I recently broke up with a girl after 7 months... I seem to always like them, but get a bit confused about how I feel and end up just being friends..the thing is many girls nowadays want a relationship and are not looking for a friend. I have seen a fair few girls over the years: the last relationship was the longest to date. My ocd does make things difficult here, but I try my best! Sometimes I am fighting a quite intense battle with my thoughts and emotions! The nature of ocd and anxiety is it can make you quite disconnected, insular and self-absorbed!

Sports/socialwise I play a bit of football, cycle with my collegefriends (when they're available), I also attend meditation courses & a public speaking course to boost my confidence. Sometimes I find gym and cycling alone, well lonely!
So my question is: does anyone else relate to my dilemma and feel a bit lonely?
I would like to have a girlfriend, but probably more immediately just more company!
Seems harder in your thirties as more and more friends and family get engaged/married!
Any advise on what to do socially or to feel less lonely?


Thanks so much for reading!

Novemberman.

GreeBo

I would say that its natural at your(our) age to long for the companionship that a steady partner would bring. However you say that you have a good family life, lots of good friends, so looking in from the outside I would say things look pretty good for you to be honest.

Sometimes it takes longer to find a relationship than you might want, but better to wait than try to force something thats not there.
Do you end up being friends because you dont fancy them or what? Being friends with a partner would be a prerequisite for most people I reckon, do dont dismiss a potential mate because you are good friends with them.

Obviously your OCD is going to complicate things slightly, but if you are open and honest with partners (perhaps not on the first date ) then it shouldnt matter to the right person.

Are you ever happy with your own company or do you always feel lonely? Its often said that you need to be comfortable on your own before you can be comfortable in a relationship.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hey! thanks for the reply! I really try my best in all aspects of my life. The ocd makes things really tough. It makes work really difficult(won't go into the details!)
As regards life outside work: it is a classic scenario of having friends but very busy & married friends!
I do get lonely & would love to have someone to hang with, chat to over tea/coffee/beer...
As regards former girlfriends... I like them initially, give a relationship a go... things progress and then I feel a bit blase about them romantically: the girl says 'where are we going?' and I say I see them more as a friend.
With my last girlfriend; I got on really well with her, could talk all day to her, she was very understanding, but sometimes I fancied her but often I was happy enough to meet for a beer and go home to my bed. In truth I really gave it a go, but romantically I didnt feel it.
saying that I will miss our chats and hanging out with her!
My ocd thoughts sometimes can question whether I find a girl attractive...to thoughts that I might be gay...might find a guy attractive...so am wasting my time with this girl etc... When I am seeing a girl these gay ocd thoughts tend to 'up their game!': is very tough.

As of now I seem to long for the companionship of good friends...maybe I am in denial and just am ready for a soulmate/partner?!
With previous girlfriends, I found the romantic/physical side of things good initially and then became a bit stressful.

I am quite happy on my own for a while; I practice mindfulness meditation...but after a long period of time alone I do love company!

Thanks so much!

Novemberman

GreeBo

Could you be afraid of commitment? If you like these girls and get on with them but then suddenly its gone all "mneah" maybe this is a defense mechanism?

Ask yourself what you are looking for in a relationship. Maybe you are going out with the wrong types of girls? Are they all similar? Think back over the last few and try to figure out why it all went a bit off. Was it something specific or do you just think you sh/would just feel differently in "the" relationship?

LegacyUser

Thanks for reply! Maybe I am a little scared of commitment. But when I'm going through a really anxious time & my ocd is fired up, I genuinely live day to day... if I am seeing a girl, it is nice, but often I am more focussed on getting through the days...
In spite of all my 'battles' I am very determined and have achieved a lot, but has been tough!

a couple of years ago I was thinking, it was time to meet someone nice and have a steady relationship; my last 2 girlfriends have been very nice, ,, initially we meet in a pub...kiss on night 1... go for a few dates and take it from there. At the start I like the girl, find them cute and just give it a go; but I have never had butterflies or been completely bowled over by a girlfriend.
I have never 'fallen in love' ...have had crushes on girls; remember 1 years ago; but I suppose much of my life has been dominated a bit by anxiety...
Dont know if you meet someone and fall in love or do you have to build a relationship? What do you think?

At the moment I seem to have temporarily paused the lookout for a girlfriend and am just working a bit on me!
Saying that I feel that it is not a partner I am missing, but just lots of crack , laughs with mates, pints with friends... just friendly fun and banter.... as I said I have great friends and family, but dont see them as much!

Any ideas on fun ways to meet and hang out with new people?
My interests are sport;football, cycling, gym, yoga etc etc, I do meditation classes, I like music and play a little guitar, love gigs, like movies, books & looovee travelling; have travelled to many parts of the world,,

Thanks so much!

Novemberman

LegacyUser

God I never cease to be amazed at the amount of posts I read here that could have been written by me!This is yet another one. Novemberman, I am in exactly the same position as you, the "hamster going round & round" bit I have been through and it was absolute hell.
Like yourself I manage to keep a lid on it via meds, help from counsellors, HSE (who don't get near enough praise btw).
I have made a few friends through social groups on the 'net (the boards meetups are great but they only meet once a month).
I see you have loads of interests which is great; you need to find someone you have something in common with. I highly recommend meetup.com; I met some unbelievably sound people on their nights out, you won't hit it off with every single one of them but give it a go and stick with it.

LegacyUser

Hey! Thanks for your reply: appreciate it!
It is good to know that others feel the same!
I will check out that website which you recommend.
Is defo tough in your thirties... I look at many of my mates, settled down now and with wife and kids: I dont really want what they have: I actually love the fact that I am free as a bird to do what I want & I see the tough times all of my mates have gone through in their relationships:huge ups and downs..one of my friend has 4 kids whom he loves dearly, but doesn't have a minute spare time.
I enjoy the uncle role with my sisters: have great fun with the kids and then hand them back!!

But while I dont necessarily crave a serious relationship, falling in love....what I am really looking for is good times with good people and then if I meet someone nice in the process: great!
I am also working on becoming more contented and at ease with myself.

Another thought I have is about ex girlfriends: i got on very well with them and enjoyed their company but just didn't have romantic feelings for them:
I would love to be friends with them; but it seems really hard to stay friends with girls you have dated? is a pity!

Thank u!

LegacyUser

Hi! Just had a nice weekend and finished work. The weekend was relaxing, but a bit lonely to be honest, went for walks and cycles (am big into exercise & sport) ... sent texts around all my mates bout drinks on Saturday night & everyone was either away, unavailable etc...one friend had a night out arranged with a friend of his & invited me, so I popped into town.
I always take any opportunity to get out and socialise. Was grand really, to be honest I didnt know many people there and all talk was about kids etc: a bit boring...so I drove home at about 12am. It is like I have opportunites to go out every 3/4 weekends but then in between it is very quiet.
But I am proud of myself for making an effort
I go out with my work colleagues from time to time; this is one of by big anxiety starters: I get scared of my hands shaking in public: an old worry; but anyway, I face it at every opportunity.

So I am looking for any ideas for someone a bit lonely in his mid-thirties.
Is funny, I travel a lot and when I am away, I hike, cycle, surf, swim, but when I get home things seem to get very quiet!
My interests are sport: cycling, football, surfing, gym, music & guitar, travel, movies...I have so many interests really!

Thanks for reading!

Novemberman.

LegacyUser

I wanted to post before but you remind me of someone I know (unless it is him eek!). Are you Irish?

Frist of all, very very clever (too clever - totally over thinks things, but wont admit it). Very closed off and big wall up - I think he doesnt realise it, but maybe he does but doesnt want to deal with it. He doesnt give things/people a chance - only sees what he wants to see - gets bored of them - next person/woman please. He has a very good (but quite stressful) job. He sees people more as "things" - something to occupy/pass HIS time, rather than people as having emotions (could be the way he is wired/due to type of job he does). He seems to have a big ego. Cocky. But I think the ego isnt that big at all. I thought he was a lovely person, but I dont think he believed he was a lovely person. I tried to genuniely be friends with this person (I found him a fasinating person), but again due to all the above, it has not worked out.

Obviously your OCD factors in as to how you engage with people/women. Your post is almost egotistical to me - I dont mean that in a bad way - but have you looked at/had a think about how you are coming across to other people? Like the guy I know, you seem like a nice person, but a bit confused what you want and when you want it. Dont over think things so much. There are genuniely nice people out there so dont give up.