Is my relationship finished?

40now

I have a very long story but I will try and make it as short as possible so please try and stay awake.

About 19 months ago I had to throw my partners son who is now nearly 24 out of our house for drug dealing (cannabis), he had been doing this for about 5-6 years, and every year during those 5-6 years our house was raided by the guards at least 8 times probably more I lost count.

I threw him out and she stopped talking to me (which was to be expected really) She also stopped having sex with me and indeed she did not let me touch her for nearly 4 months, since then she basically wont let me near her or only does something to me on rare occasions but never do we have sex, so 8 months ago I asked him to come to the house for visits, have his dinner, see his family etc.

She said to me that night thank you for that it means a lot and she made love to me that night and hasn't since.

My life has been crap since then as I have this bollox who is still selling the stuff back in my house visiting every day and I have to listen to the two of them, her really going over the top with I love you son, thanks for coming over son, see you later son, I love you son, bye son, love you son.

I have been faithful to her forever but I am really pissed off getting no sex, feeling no love from her, going to bed every single night by myself, but according to her there is nothing wrong and LAUGHS at me when I tell her how I feel, so I dont tell her how I fell anymore.

What is really getting to me is last Friday the 4th was my 40th birthday and I got a card from her and nothing else, I told her that I was expecting at least a present from the kids and I asked her to get me something on Friday, again on Saturday and again Today and nothing. When I told her I was disguisted with her she laughed again.

Now she insists that there is nothing wrong and she hasn't stopped having sex with me, but we had sex basically every night, every second night at least, so I know there is something going on.

If you were me would you think everything is fine or are we finished and only staying together for the sake of the kids. I am looking for some female advice more so than male advice but all advice will be taken on board.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope what I was trying to say came out well.

Roselm

40now wrote: »

I have a very long story but I will try and make it as short as possible so please try and stay awake.

About 19 months ago I had to throw my partners son who is now nearly 24 out of our house for drug dealing (cannabis), he had been doing this for about 5-6 years, and every year during those 5-6 years our house was raided by the guards at least 8 times probably more I lost count.

I threw him out and she stopped talking to me (which was to be expected really) She also stopped having sex with me and indeed she did not let me touch her for nearly 4 months, since then she basically wont let me near her or only does something to me on rare occasions but never do we have sex, so 8 months ago I asked him to come to the house for visits, have his dinner, see his family etc.

She said to me that night thank you for that it means a lot and she made love to me that night and hasn't since.

My life has been crap since then as I have this bollox who is still selling the stuff back in my house visiting every day and I have to listen to the two of them, her really going over the top with I love you son, thanks for coming over son, see you later son, I love you son, bye son, love you son.

I have been faithful to her forever but I am really pissed off getting no sex, feeling no love from her, going to bed every single night by myself, but according to her there is nothing wrong and LAUGHS at me when I tell her how I feel, so I dont tell her how I fell anymore.

What is really getting to me is last Friday the 4th was my 40th birthday and I got a card from her and nothing else, I told her that I was expecting at least a present from the kids and I asked her to get me something on Friday, again on Saturday and again Today and nothing. When I told her I was disguisted with her she laughed again.

Now she insists that there is nothing wrong and she hasn't stopped having sex with me, but we had sex basically every night, every second night at least, so I know there is something going on.

If you were me would you think everything is fine or are we finished and only staying together for the sake of the kids. I am looking for some female advice more so than male advice but all advice will be taken on board.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope what I was trying to say came out well.

Oh dear that's a mess.
I can't believe she laughed at you. That is not a good start. I don't know if you are finished as a couple but there are a lot of things about the relationship that I would be unhappy about if it were me.

No matter how trivial a difficulty might seem to your partner I would ALWAYS expect them to listen and take time to engage in a proper discussion. To do anything other than this shows a lack of respect for your feelings and for you.
It would also make me think that my partner didn't put much value on the relationship as a relationship is all about two people coming together and sharing ideas and perspectives.

I assume all this started only after the incident with her son.

I can see that your partner obviously loves her son very much but maybe to the extent "he can do no wrong". Maybe she doesn't see the harm in dealing cannabis but it shows a lack of respect on his part that he would continue dealing in someone else's house after he has been told to stop. That's not acceptable in my opinion.

As to the 40th birthday present, if you two normally get each other a present then this is telling. I probably wouldn't then have actually asked for one but that's just me.

I don't know why your partner is pretending everything is ok when all the signs say she seems to be trying to punish you.

I would persevere and bring the topic up again. Don't accept a laugh or her telling you there's nothing wrong. Try not to get angry also-could she be afraid of getting into a row?
This can't go on indefinitely so I would tell her this. If the relationship still means a lot to you then tell her the two of you need to work on things as you are not happy with the relationship as it is.

Hope that helps.

[Female perspective but I think everyone will tell you similar-male or female]

fallen01angel

Hi OP,sorry to say this but I think it's clear for the reasons listed that this relationship is very much over.
1) Ye have gone from having sex ever night/second night to not having it at all and she's claiming everything is fine.
2) For your 40th birthday all you get is a card,I'm sorry it's not about the size of the present or how much was spent it's a milestone B'Day and she gives you a damn card!!!
3) She laughs at you when you hurt by it^^!!
4) She has her drug dealing scumbag son carry out business from the family home......:eek:

To be honest OP,I think you'd be better off alone than putting up with that kind of a person.

thefeatheredcat

40now wrote: »

About 19 months ago I had to throw my partners son who is now nearly 24 out of our house for drug dealing (cannabis), he had been doing this for about 5-6 years, and every year during those 5-6 years our house was raided by the guards at least 8 times probably more I lost count.

Was that a decision undertaken by you only, or with discussion with your partner? If a sole decision it would explain her use of emotional blackmail/withholding sex and affection until you caved in to allow him back.

She may be over-protective of her son, but he's an adult and has to take responsibility for his actions, but her shielding him like this and tolerating his drug dealing can only lead to disaster. If the drug squad knows where he lives, you can bet that the source of the drugs he sells knows where to find him and both of you.

40now wrote: »

but according to her there is nothing wrong and LAUGHS at me when I tell her how I feel, so I dont tell her how I fell anymore.

What is really getting to me is last Friday the 4th was my 40th birthday and I got a card from her and nothing else, I told her that I was expecting at least a present from the kids and I asked her to get me something on Friday, again on Saturday and again Today and nothing. When I told her I was disguisted with her she laughed again.

The fact she doesn't take you seriously in what you say about how you feel, indicates a lack of respect for you and your opinion and feelings. Maybe she's in denial about her son and his dealing and as a result she doesn't see a problem with it but that anything related to him is being turned towards you ie that the reality of the problem of her son and in your relationship is manifesting itself as lacking respect for you, because her son lacks respect for her, therefore to be respected, she has to be disrespectful towards someone else in order to have any power.

She doesn't take you seriously or your feelings seriously.... and does not validate your point of view or consider it. I'd be wary that it will go down the emotionally abusive route in a relationship, so I think you need to put yourself first in all cases.

Talk things out even through mediation, but put yourself first in the situation, see if she can come to terms with things in the relationship and if not, staying together in an imbalanced relationship for the sake of the kids would not be the best route to go, if that means you're going to be unhappy going down the line.

nicechick!

I'd kick them both out

Young_gunner

the woman sounds like a cnut tbh.....does she know here son is dealing drugs? and she supports it.

You sound like a decent chap.

dixiefly

Yes, in my opinion, it is finished. It may not have stopped "officially" but in every other respect it looks doomed.

I am a friend

Why would you want to be with someone who harbours and supports a drug dealer???

Boskowski

I'm not even going into the details, I just ask you to do the following: Read your own post pretending to be 'us', outsiders to the situation. What would you think yourself?

hi op, i find sometimes people on boards can be very black and white about giving advice.

its not clear from your post just how long you are together, it seems from my reading that you have kids together? so im going to assume that this is a long term serious thing.

do ye have kids together? if so, how old are they? obviously her son is not yours. was he her only child when ye got together?
im not defending her actions but obviously she feels like she has to support him, no matter what. is it because he is her son and any other kids are both of yours?

its not clear to me, but what i would be telling her is that it is NOT acceptable to have younger kids in a house where Gardai are consistently coming in, searching for drugs. no matter what she feels about her son, surely she can see that this is not good for younger kids?

as for her laughing at you, terrible lack of respect there. do you tend to say things/complain and then not back it up with actions? maybe this time she needs to know just how serious you are.
im not sure how you can do this, would it be possible to maybe move out for a while? so she knows that it actually is serious this time?

qwertytlk

She seems to have a blatent disrespect for you and your feelings. To laugh at you when your trying to explain how your feeling, that your hurting. And on your birthday to not even get you a gift or one from the kids, por at least encourage them to get one....its totally cruel in my opinion. From what you described her behaviour seems to be really strange. Its as if she is trying to 'get you bback' for throwing her son out. But i honestly feel its more than just that.... Just not quite sure what?! Was she ever this nasty and cruel before the things with the son came to a head?
I dont mean to be so blunt but theres only one way to say it...is it possible shes having affair?

40now

WOW I cant all those replies THANKS TO YOU ALL.

Just a little more information for you, we have been together 19 years and he was only a small child when we met, and it's true she thinks the sun shines out of his a**e to the extent that it is almost sickening listening to them.

Thank you very much for the nice comments it has made me feel so much better even if it is only for now, I have no intention of leaving her or my kids so I will stick it out.

Her laughing at me I am used to and can shrug it off, it was just the lack of gift for my birthday that that really got to me, it really hurt.

Thanks all.

Sleepy

Do you not feel like a doormat OP?

There's one positive in all this: if she's continually going to allow a drug dealer into the house you should have no problems in getting custody of your children.

Mighty_Mouse

He's 24 years old?
It's his life. If he wants to be a drug dealing, gun smuggling, fundamentalist jihad taliban.................there's really very little you can do to stop him.

You have every right to stop it in your home, every right to disapprove, but no right to actually make him stop.

so 8 months ago I asked him to come to the house for visits, have his dinner, see his family etc.

as far as I'm concerned this is where the whole issue should have been resolved. After all you don't have to accept his behaviour in your house but he still has the right to see his mother.

It seems there's a serious lack of communication here.
Do you explain how you feel, discuss your actions with her before & after?

LegacyUser

qwertytlk wrote: »

Was she ever this nasty and cruel before the things with the son came to a head?
I dont mean to be so blunt but theres only one way to say it...is it possible shes having affair?

I'd echo this. Usually when sex suddenly stops and a partner doesnt seem to care anymore it usually means affair. I had an affair and I stopped wanting to have sex with my partner and I definitely didnt make any effort. I had to force myself but even your partner doesnt seem to be arsed doing that. Sit her down and have a serious talk, dont let her laugh in your face this time.

Firetrap

There's something sad about this thread. Leaving aside the business of the OP's partner and her son, the relationship doesn't sound like a loving one. 19 months of almost zero intimacy isn't a simple spat over his throwing her golden boy out of the house. It's more like some sort of ongoing vendetta. He says he's used to her laughing at him and he has stopped confiding in her about his feelings. Fair enough - he doesn't want to leave her or the kids but my heart goes out to him.

40now

The one thing that I am certain of is she in not having an affair, that I know for sure, thanks again for the advice and honesty.

LegacyUser

40now wrote: »

She said to me that night thank you for that it means a lot and she made love to me that night and hasn't since.

My life has been crap since then as I have this bollox who is still selling the stuff back in my house visiting every day and I have to listen to the two of them, her really going over the top with I love you son, thanks for coming over son, see you later son, I love you son, bye son, love you son.

I have been faithful to her forever but I am really pissed off getting no sex, feeling no love from her, going to bed every single night by myself, but according to her there is nothing wrong and LAUGHS at me when I tell her how I feel, so I dont tell her how I fell anymore.

I'm female.

Ok, she loves her son, that much is clear. Nothing wrong with that until you see that her 'little darling' is up to his neck in drugs. The worst kind of Irish Mammy Syndrome-her son can do nothing wrong, and she's scared witless she'll lose him. At the age of twenty four, he's number one in her life, when in reality he should be moving on and making a life for himself.

You're not number one in her life, but you should be. It's disgraceful to think that your partner laughs at you when you bring up things that are worrying you. She sounds emotionally stunted to be honest, and it's hard for me to understand why you're with a woman who treats you with such little respect.

What you need to do is tell her that your issues are real. That they are not to be laughed at. That it's very difficult to carry on in a relationship in which your voice is not being heard. If she doesn't change, start making your preparations to leave.

You're only forty. Don't throw your life away on someone who laughs at you when you have a problem and want to discuss it. Compromise and discussion are the foundation of a great relationship, without them, you have nothing but heartache.

tbh

what's strange to me is that you've had this kid living with you since he was five years old and yet 19 years later you still refer to him as "your partners son". I mean, I get why that's relevant, but I'm wondering if your actions make your partner feel like she has to choose between you or her son.

What you need to establish is the scope of the problem and try to decide - as a couple - what you can do about it. It's probable that she thinks the drug dealing is a problem but doesn't know what to do about it. If you can get her to admit that it is a problem, then you can start to open a dialogue about where you go from here. The cops calling to your place more than once is a sign of a problem. If she's not willing to admit that it's a problem, then you need to decide if it's enough of a problem for you to end the relationship with her.

It sounds to me like theres a lot of resentment in your relationship and you need to get at the root cause of it. It's not a healthy environment for your other kids, and I guarantee you they are picking up on it.

In short, you need to tackle this bull by the horns - it's a problem that needs to be resolved, and carrying on as you are isn't a valid resolution.

40now

Up until the time I had to throw him out I would have described our relationship as perfect, and she didn't always laugh at my feelings since then she has changed and has become someone who I really don't like.

I only called him her son because I was really pi55ed off, I class him as mine and he still calls me Da.

I would leave her even if was only for a short time but I wont as it is not fair on our other 4 kids, and TBH I still love her, I just want her back to the way she was.

I wont be replying anymore as I got from your advice what I wanted. Thanks Everyone.

40now

Feeling really low today so logged in to re read the posts on this thread just to try and cheer me up and it hasn't. Well here I am 9 months later and sorry to say our relationship has gone from bad to worse, we are still not getting on, in fact it has gotten worse over this time, we still don't have sex and there is practically no communication between us at all, only now we barely talk at all, just yes and no answers etc.
Now she has started turning her back on me in bed and couldn't be further away from me in the same bed if she tried, there is no physical contact whatever, she also stays away from me at every opportunity, like everyday she goes visiting a friend/relative or whoever she will take the kids if they want to go with her and leaves me at home, (this actually happens everyday) I don't even get asked do I want to go with them to the park whatever. As we don't talk I have been texting her but all she does is ignore the texts wont even answer them, so I feel so alone and emotional but I have no one to talk to. I still know she is not having an affair so I can rule that completely out. I just love and miss her soooo much that it actually hurts now, but at the same time I think it's best to move on and I am now looking to move out but can't face the thoughts of not seeing my kids and just been there with them.

Dinxminx

OP, I'm so sorry things haven't improved. I think if she is really that unwilling to work things out then really the only option left to you that won't lead to a life of misery is moving out. You might be able to get custody of your kids. I know it hurts when the person you love changes into someone else, but you can't change her back and she doesn't seem to want to. I think you should sit her down even if she doesn't want to, sit her down and explain that if it continues you're gone - maybe she doesn't realise how far she's pushed you, and it might give her a bit of a wake-up call. I wouldn't get my hopes up though..

leeroybrown

OP, do you honestly think there's any reason to continue enduring your current situation? Either try everything you can to fix it or end it - one or the other. The fact that she won't even communicate with you seems to spell the end of the relationship clearly. I don't really think your kids are any better off as things are than they would be if you split up.

tinkerbell

OP, this has been going on now for 17 months. Your relationship is over. I know you've been with her for 19 years but you are only 40, you are still young and have a long life ahead of you - why waste anymore time on that woman when she doesn't care about you? You have plenty of time to meet someone else who appreciates you and wants to be with you.

You have to take action - either you speak to her and you go to relationship counselling or else you split up and move on. There is no point in staying in a loveless relationship, it is not fair on you and you deserve better than that.

By the way, her son sounds like a complete loser, I wouldn't allow him in the house with what he's up to.

we'llallhavetea

have you mentioned a separation to her op?

dr gonzo

OP this sounds absolutely horrific, it actually angers me to read your posts. To be honest with you it just sounds like youre both waiting for one of you to make a move towards the door. Theres no way someone could be that disconnected for so long if they really were in love with their partner.

As a side point, I really dont bring this up to bother you but merely from a devils advocate point of view. How can you be so sure she hasnt been seeing anyone else considering you say yourself she heads off every day? Obviously you know best but going from physical intimacy nearly every day to 17 months without...?

Your best bet is to just get out of there, for a little while at least. It sounds literally torturous.

dellas1979

If it has come to a head for you, you need to sit down and talk to her.

I cant believe you have left it for so long. She seems bad at communication, but you do too! Have you sat her down to talk about how you are feeling? And give her the forum to talk about how she is feeling too? Thats the big problem, there is no forum for ye to discuss in because neither seems to want to budge. You'd probably move out before talking to her.

Why are you letting it get this bad? Take back control man!

a fat guy

I honestly feel bad for you man, but you have to understand that it's completely over between you two.

You just have to move on.

That's all that you have left to do at this stage, sorry...

You do seem to lack the motivation for leaving though, so have you considered the time you've already wasted on trying to help the relationship? You don't want to waste another few years on this fruitless endeavor do you? It'll ruin you in the end, because you seem to feel terrible about the whole situation.

And do NOT be afraid of being alone at that stage! I know a guy in my college class who's 42 now and the world is literally his oyster. He works hard, goes to the gym regularly and honestly couldn't be happier with his life. And they do say that life begins at 40 don't they?

So get out there and start living!

ando

Ok enough. You've been with this woman since you were 21, it's probably all you know right? You're probably inexperienced when it comes to ending a relationship, being heartbroken and moving on in life, but it's a completely normal part of life, it can get you down a lot and sometimes you think "how the heck will I manage?" but you will, and you'll grow into a stronger man because of it. It happens to everyone at some point. Believe me, I've been there. Right now it's daunting for you to think of leaving her but ALL signs are pointing towards your relationship being dead. She doesn't want to be around you, there is no communication, no intimacy, nothing between you two, and it's been going on for so long!!!! It looks like she could possibly be upto something too I'm sorry to say. Man, you need to get moving. Famous quote comes to mind.. "Get busy living or get busy dying". You both are very bad at communicating, you need to take the lead on this. There are most definitely difficult times ahead but you absolutely need to make a move. You cannot stay in this unhealthy relationship or state of mind any longer. If you do, you'll look back in a few years and think "how on earth did I stay so long?!"

I know you dont want to think about it but you have to be smart in this too. It's not a bad idea to go to a solicitor before you do anything so you know where you stand financially. She obviously has different priorities in life and I predict she won't have a second thought in taking as much funds as she can leaving you high and dry

Pa Dee

40now wrote: »

I have a very long story but I will try and make it as short as possible so please try and stay awake.

About 19 months ago I had to throw my partners son who is now nearly 24 out of our house for drug dealing (cannabis), he had been doing this for about 5-6 years, and every year during those 5-6 years our house was raided by the guards at least 8 times probably more I lost count.

I threw him out and she stopped talking to me (which was to be expected really) She also stopped having sex with me and indeed she did not let me touch her for nearly 4 months, since then she basically wont let me near her or only does something to me on rare occasions but never do we have sex, so 8 months ago I asked him to come to the house for visits, have his dinner, see his family etc.

She said to me that night thank you for that it means a lot and she made love to me that night and hasn't since.

My life has been crap since then as I have this bollox who is still selling the stuff back in my house visiting every day and I have to listen to the two of them, her really going over the top with I love you son, thanks for coming over son, see you later son, I love you son, bye son, love you son.

I have been faithful to her forever but I am really pissed off getting no sex, feeling no love from her, going to bed every single night by myself, but according to her there is nothing wrong and LAUGHS at me when I tell her how I feel, so I dont tell her how I fell anymore.

What is really getting to me is last Friday the 4th was my 40th birthday and I got a card from her and nothing else, I told her that I was expecting at least a present from the kids and I asked her to get me something on Friday, again on Saturday and again Today and nothing. When I told her I was disguisted with her she laughed again.

Now she insists that there is nothing wrong and she hasn't stopped having sex with me, but we had sex basically every night, every second night at least, so I know there is something going on.

If you were me would you think everything is fine or are we finished and only staying together for the sake of the kids. I am looking for some female advice more so than male advice but all advice will be taken on board.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope what I was trying to say came out well.

Is it your house ? If so throw her out and be done with her. She sounds a horrible individual

ihsb

She is nothing better then a bully. I Lived with someone like her for 7 years (I was not the one in a relationship with them) and I still have problems because of them.

You don't want to give up on her. Give her one last chance. Ask her for couples counselling and insist on both of you going to individual counselling too. This seems to me like the only way. Having a third, impartial party, listening to your problems and helping you.

If she refuses. Either pack your bags, or pack hers. She is not even worth the space that she takes up in the bed. Print off this thread and show it to her. See what she says then.

Good luck OP

Stavro Mueller

I've read down through your story and can't help but think that it's only a matter of time before something blows. I can see that you've been trying to hold things together for the sake of the kids and in the hope that matters would improve for you and your partner. That's not something that can go on indefinitely. Aside from the issues between you and your partner, I would worry about the effect it's having on your kids. You didn't say what age bracket they're in but you can be sure that they're picking up the bad vibes. If you're not careful, this will start to affect them.

For the good of your own head, I think it would help if you went along to chat to a counsellor by yourself. You sound like you've got a lot of stuff to get off your chest and you've said you don't have anyone to turn to. You might also get some good advice about what to do next.

I think too, you need to get yourself some legal advice regarding the situation. Even if you sit tight and do nothing, you can't be sure that herself won't turn around some day and tell you to pack your bags. It does look like it's heading that way. Forewarned being forearmed and all that.

You could of course try couples counselling but that's something that you should not suggest before you get legal advice. To be honest, this situation sounds so toxic that even the suggestion of couples counselling could tip things over the edge.

kylith

I'm so sorry for you OP, it sounds like a terrible situation to be in.

I know it's probably hard to think of because you have children with her but it really would be better for you to separate from her. Staying together for the sake of the kids will be worse in the long run as they will pick up on the bad feeling in the house, and when things do eventually blow up they'll be stuck in the middle of it. It really is better for kids to have two happy parents living apart than two miserable parents living together.

Mariak24

Firetrap wrote: »

There's something sad about this thread. Leaving aside the business of the OP's partner and her son, the relationship doesn't sound like a loving one. 19 months of almost zero intimacy isn't a simple spat over his throwing her golden boy out of the house. It's more like some sort of ongoing vendetta. He says he's used to her laughing at him and he has stopped confiding in her about his feelings. Fair enough - he doesn't want to leave her or the kids but my heart goes out to him.

I completely agree. Sounds like manipulating behaviour that has probably gone on for years so the poor guy is left feeling like its normal.... It's not!

40now

Finally plucked up the courage to bring this to a head on Saturday last and I now find myself in an amazing position, if you have read my first post you may fully blame her on everything but on Saturday this was said to me. Ever since I had to throw him out she never spoke to me for ages which is to be expected and is fair enough, sex stopped also, that's fair enough I hurt her after all, at more or less the same time she started the menopause possibly brought on by my actions. She told me she is going to the doctor to talk to her but she told me that she hates me and has done for 2 years now. I have been reading about menopause and this makes sense to me, I have been reading about symptoms etc and I am sure she is telling me the truth. I have also been reading about other men in my situation where they all describe their wife as hating them suddenly out of the blue. I now find myself feeling very sad and lonely and very emotional, she has started sleeping in another room and I can see from her eyes that there is nothing there feelings wise for me.

Now all my time is spent walking on egg shells and crying and feeling crap, but all I can do and all I want to do is to be there for her and try and help her through her feeling like this, all I can do is give her space give her time and give her my love and not put any pressure on her, All I want is for her to be happy again and if that happens and she keeps me around I can be happy too. So please don't blame her anymore as she can not help how she feels, thanks for all the comments so far if you reply I actually need advice on what she may be going through and feeling and how I can help, Thanks for reading.

tinkerbell

My god OP, you are so naive. She has told you she hates you and has done so for the past two years. That is NOT from the menopause. She is using it as an excuse as you have finally confronted her. You are a fool to put up with this and her blaming it on the menopause is the dumbest excuse I have ever heard. I think you are the one who needs to go to counselling to sort your head out and make you realise that she is the one with the upper hand. You haven't even addressed how you are gonna sort out that son of hers either and the kinds of things he gets up to. You gonna let all that blow over just because she's going through the menopause? EVERY woman will go through the menopause at some point and they do not automatically start hating their other half once they start going through it.

Meauldsegosha

OP I'm sorry but I can't help thinking you are been taken for a mug. It is a big coinsidence that her menopause started at the same time as you threw her son out of the house. I feel she is using the menopause as an excuse and as you are still in love with her you are willing to accept this excuse to explain her behaviour. If you search hard enough on the internet you will find an answer to explain a persons behaviour.

leeroybrown

So not only is she using the menopause as an excuse for her behaviour but she's also blaming you for causing it. This woman openly admits to having hated you for the past two years but hasn't done nothing about it and has made your life miserable instead. Only now when you work up a tiny bit of backbone to stand up to her does she even talk about it and say she'll go to a doctor. Despite all this you want to make your life a misery to help her. Listen to yourself. You sound like such a doormat. Next thing you you'll be telling us you blame yourself completely for not forcing her to do something about it sooner.

Give her the chance to go to the doctor and see if she actually does anything about it but if she doesn't make a genuine and major effort to seek medical help and counselling you get out of there for everyone's sake. You originally asked if your relationship was finished: What relationship?

Stavro Mueller

Like the others above me, I find it hard to believe that the menopause is what has caused all this. More like a convenient excuse if you ask me. Nonetheless, you're in for the long haul. That I can see.

You're absolutely shattered, that I can tell from your posts. I think for the sake of your own head, you should get some counselling for yourself. You need to talk this through with someone who's better qualified to deal with these matters than us keyboard warriors. If you're going around crying and stressed, you are going to make yourself sick. Don't forget either about your children. They know something's not right with mum and dad. Especially now that you're not even sleeping in the same room.

Taltos

OP - I am going to keep this short.

She is a manipulator.

Please go see a GP and get some help for yourself - look for a referral or just contact a counsellor and get the help you deserve.

ihsb

The menopause may have caused a chemical and hormonal imbalance in her which could have brought this on. But I would still make a point of asking her to go to counselling as I previously suggested.

Ham Sambo

I know it is very easy for me to give advice in here but to be honest from where I am sitting she is treating you like a door mat, anybody least of all a mother who lets her child use or sell drugs from home needs a reality check. You were 150% right to kick this sucm bag out of your house and to be honest i think it is time for you to draw a line in the sand, best of luck.