Does it take time to break up with someone?

LegacyUser

I have been kind of seeing a guy over the past year. Thing is he already has a long term partner. He lives with her. There’s no kids involved. He told me it was over between them and he is waiting for the right time to leave her.

I am or was mad about him. Cant stop thinking about him. He said the same thing about me too. I would like to believe him and I gave him a chance. But he’s not doing anything and I don’t think he ever will. Which is killing me and making me realise that I was used.

He never wants to go out with me. I have tried so many times to ask him for a drink. I booked a dinner in august thinking he might as it was booked. He didn’t and I had to cancel. But he can sleep with me? If I meant anything to him, surely we could do something and going out of town so no one sees us? But that has never happened.

I asked him where I stood with him. He told me he doesn’t have a plan. He cant give me a time frame. What plan? He said that he needs time to move his stuff as he has loads of things. This was back in august. I get that a person has loads of things to move. I even told him to open the paper for a removal van to help him.

Its November now and it’s the same thing, he still hasn’t done anything and still no plan. Why he made no effort in finding a place. He went on holidays for three weeks in October with her.

This has been making me pissed off with him and he knows how I feel about it. But he doesn’t care how I feel. I saw him last week. He couldn’t keep his hands of me. Got what he wanted and then he gets angry at me, after. Telling me he doesn’t want to fight, I shouldn’t be angry at him, and tells me I shouldn’t be waiting for him. But he can sleep with me ??? Which is like telling me to fuk off and its her that he wants.
Telling me it takes time to move stuff, which I don’t believe. He could have a place by next week if he wanted. Then start to move his stuff and time himself doing it.

I sent him a message yesterday morning asking him if he could get away yesterday evening. I got the message report. He got the message and switched his phone off. Just a quick message or call to tell me he cant ??? It’s a bill phone so he has credit. And its just takes 2 minutes, he could have sent something while in the loo. But nothing. Its not the first time he has switched his phone off on me.

Not sure what kind of advice I want. But its like being stabbed. With his lies. He never had any intention of ever leaving her. Why was I such a fool to believe him? I have been chatted up by guys when im out but i cant look at any of them cause its him that i love.

Does it really take time to move stuff from one place to another? Has he been in a car accident and stuck in A & E and that’s why he cant reply to a message from yesterday?

Darkginger

Basically, you're having an affair with a man who is already in a relationship. I bet you anything his partner is in total ignorance about it being 'all over' between them. This man is using you, and so long as you continue to allow him to do so, he'll carry on doing it.

My advice would be to stop sleeping with him - value yourself more, because you ARE worth more than being this man's 'bit on the side'. As things stand, he'll never leave his partner - why would he, when he can have sex with you when he feels like it, without any of the peripheral stuff like actually going out for a drink or a meal with you?

It sounds like you really know this already - and whilst it will hurt a lot now, I think the best thing you can do is dump him and move on. Imagine, if he did actually leave his partner, you'd spend the rest of the relationship wondering when he was going to treat you the same way as he is her - because he would, you know. You'd never be able to trust him.

Best of luck - I think you know what you need to do.

bambera

OP I don't mean to be harsh but you kind of got yourself into this mess.
You're allowing him to use you.

You mentioned you've been seeing him over the past year so do you not thing if he meant for you to be anything more than a bit on the side, he would have broken up with his girlfriend a long time ago.

If you want to be in an actual relationship than you need to break it off with this guy because it will never be with him and it is unfair to his poor girlfriend for you both to be carrying on behind her back.

Think before you act next time and make sure the next guy you meet is actually single before you get into anything with him otherwise you'll probably just get yourself into the same position again.

AnonoBoy

He's never going to leave her.

That's all there is to it.

A0

iamafool wrote: »

I have been kind of seeing a guy over the past year.

When you are in a relationship, you don't "kind of see" your partner. Whether you are with him/her or not! Cut contact with him, he's cheating on his partner and you are part of this game.

Neyite

You can dress it up however you like, but you are his mistress. He is not even providing the traditional "perks" that a mistress enjoys, such as being wined and dined, or treated well. You are his bit on the side, and even if he did leave and move in with you, it would create a vacancy, do you really want a life of suspecting him?

You are an additional sexual release for him. For love, and affection and sharing beautiful memories, he has his partner. Not you. I am sorry to be harsh: He does not want to date you, or bring you out, or take 3 week holidays with, he wants to F**k you. And as long as you let him, why should it change for him? Why are you settling for this? Why are you letting him use you?

In answer to your question, No, it does not take time to break up with someone, especially someone with no ties such as children or marriage. All it takes is "I dont love you anymore, I am breaking up with you and moving out" to be said. As for moving "all" his stuff - who is he, the Sultan of Brunei? :rolleyes: I really hope you didnt fall for that...

The longer you stay with this man, the longer you cheat yourself out of a loving, fulfilling relationship with someone who adores you, who is happy to bring you out for a drink, or to a nice restaurant, or even introduce to his family. You will never get it with this man - he is a cheat and a liar.

Fittle

AnonoBoy wrote: »

He's never going to leave her.

That's all there is to it.

He might well leave her.
But it won't be for the OP.

Sorry to be harsh OP, but he's having his cake and eating it. You know what you need to do, no one can do it for you. You know the answers to the questions you've answered already.

You are worth more than his treatment of you.

fallen01angel

iamafool wrote: »

I have been kind of seeing a guy over the past year.He told me it was over between them and he is waiting for the right time to leave her.

I am or was mad about him. He said the same thing about me too.

He never wants to go out with me. I have tried so many times to ask him for a drink.If I meant anything to him, surely we could do something and going out of town so no one sees us? But that has never happened.

He told me he doesn’t have a plan. He cant give me a time frame.He said that he needs time to move his stuff as he has loads of things.He went on holidays for three weeks in October with her.

This has been making me pissed off with him and he knows how I feel about it. But he doesn’t care how I feel. I saw him last week. He couldn’t keep his hands of me. Got what he wanted and then he gets angry at me, after.

Op I really don't know what to make of this.Part of me thinks tough luck,you knew he had a partner and still went ahead with the "relationship" . But on the advice side of things-LEAVE HIM. As already posted by someone,IF(and I don't think thats going to happen tbh) he does leave his current partner it definately won't be for you,sorry to sound harsh but he can get you into bed without any effort at all-ye don't go anywhere together,he doesn't have a plan or time frame to move out( as for the loads of stuff...you've got to be kidding me!!) I think you're beginning to realise you are in fact his booty call,he doesn't give a damn about you,so it's up to you to to walk away from this,he's getting the benefit of sex on the side and you're getting nothing but misery.Dump him and the sooner the better.

Distorted

Come on OP - wake up! This man is treating you like dirt, is lieing to you, stringing you along and treating you badly. He is simply using you for sex. You have to take some responsibility for your own excessive naievity and for getting together with somone who was living with another woman in the first place, but then to continue to put up with it...sheesh. Obviously, you should end it now, cut of all contact and for goodness sake, stop humiliating yourself by desperately chasing after a disinterested, attached man.

Firetrap

If he genuinely wanted to be with you, he'd have broken up with his partner and moved his things out as soon as possible. I'm a big believer in actions speaking louder than words; it's clear as day that he's using you for sex and nothing more. You know this though but perhaps reading it from someone else on a screen will help you make the decision you MUST make tomorrow. Dump him. You have to cut all contact with him and remove him from your life. No more calls, texts, facebook etc. Because you're infatuated with him, it's stopping you from being available to guys who are single and would love to have you as a girlfriend.

parrai

This man is taking you for granted... He is using you. His long term realtionship with his girlfriend, you can be sure knows nothing of you. He went away for three weeks with her, and still you wait. I know you love him, but he has you on the run now... Nobody would allow this to happen unless they were willing to let it continue because they didn't care about being the 'mistress' and was taking the whole thing in their stride.

What you need to do, is stop sleeping with him... You are making it far too easy for him. If he cares about you, like he says, then this is your only opportunity to give him a taste of his own medicine, so that when it comes home to him that it is really over, he will realise what he has lost.

To be honest, this may be a fateful crossroads for you...
If he can do this to his partner, be under no illusions, that if he left her for you, you will be next...

It can only end in heartbreak, no matter what happens...

Cut him loose, on your terms, first and foremost, knock sleeping with him on the head... And slowly break ties with him, be unavailable, gradually.

He is no good...

Best of luck,
Parrai

Miss Fluff

He won't leave her hon. Why would he when you're allowing him to have NSA sex without even ever having to take you out for a drink? He's having a great time and you sound infatuated so he's got the best of both worlds.

Please wasting your time. You're not even getting any of the fringe benefits of having a proper relationship. None of the emotional support or companionship or feeling loved. Or even the dating and the being wined and dined and going off and doing lovely things together. Or holidays.

You're a glorified fuck buddy and yet he doesn't even have the decency to answer your calls. I'd be cutting my losses, he's clearly not in love with you.

rediguana25

OP I have to say i agree with the previous posts. You have to let this go he is not with you or does not intend on being in a relationship with you. You have to take a step back from this - go cold turkey because there is no other way you will get this guy out of your life. You have to ask yourself the question- why do you let this happen to you? You are worth so much more than this. You deserve to have someone with you who will love and respect you.

This is a totally toxic situation that will come to no good. He has not shown any signs of leaving the current relationship. He is not happy in his current situation but he's too chicken sh*t to change it. That is why he was with you. He wanted to know he could be with somebody else and get excitement in his life that he's obviously lacking in his current relationship. You provided this outlet for him when he felt like it and you saw it as a relationship but it's not.

For now all you can do is make a commitment to putting yourself first and looking after yourself. This means cutting all ties with this guy and spending time on your own and/ or with friends and focus your energy on YOU.
Best of luck

qwertytlk

You dont really need answers to any of the questions you have posted, as you have answered them all yourself. And you got 10 out 10.
No it doesnt take time to move stuff, certainley not 3-4 months.
No he hasnt been in a car accident, he is just and asshole.

He has a wife, and i can say with certainty that he is living a happy life with her, while having you on the side when ever he feels like it. I bet you really only get together when he wants to see you, not when you ask to see him. Thats because, frankly, he is using you. You need to wake up and see that this 'relationship' is going nowhere, and it never ever will. I you continue to wait for this man, you will be waiting untill your old and grey and all of lifes chances have passed you by.
He is not going to leave his wife. He is feeding you lines to keep you happy amd where he wants you. Which is basically in the bed, as he wont go for dinner or meet you in public. Why? Because he is happily married and doesnt want to risk being caught because he cares about his wife and absloutley does not want to leave her. The poor woman probably hasnmt got a clue because id say he is playing her just like he is playing you.
Men like this never leave their wives.
He said the relationship is over, he is just waiting for the right time to leave. Well if thats true then ask yourself why he went on holiday for 3weeks? People whose relationships are over an they are trying to sort out seperating dont jet off on holiday for 3weeks! Also, if the relationship is over then why cant he see you in public?
Im sure he has given you great excuses for all of this but come on, you know none of it is true. Your not stupid. Unfortunatley you have just fallen for the wrong man. He is a liar, a cheat, a user and a manipulator, not to mention probably a charmer. Just say in some fantasy world he did leave her for you, how in gods name would you ever be able to trust him anyway?!

You need to cut contact with this lying, cheating womaniser and find yourself a decent guy who wants you and no one else, who doesnt lie to you and make a fool of you.
Change your number and delete his. Before its too late. Dont waste any more time on this looser.
I know you say your in love with him but i reckon if you were away from him for a while and back in te real world you would start to see thos whole thing for what it really is.
Spend time with friends and do what you have to do to get over him because its really never going to happen.

And lastly, dont ever go for a married man again because apart from the obvious, you will just end up being taken in by a charmer and a liar and be really hurt again.

Big Bag of Chips

If he switches off his phone it's because he is with her and can't reply. Maybe out for a meal, drink, cinema... all the things he won't do with you.

Would you REALLY be happy for him to sneak to the toilet to text you back... is that how much you value yourself? A sneaky text from the jacks??

She knows nothing about you. His family and friends know nothing about you. They will never know about you, and even if he does eventually leave her for you, you are going to have to lie about your relationship, when it started, when you met etc.

You should also be open to the possibility that you're not the only one, or at least not the first.

A good mistress keeps quiet and stays out of the way until she's called on. He doesn't want hassle from you. He doesn't want you questioning him or demanding his time. That's why he gets angry at you. Keep some dignity and self worth, and finish with him before he dumps you for being "too high maintenance".

ash23

Yeah it takes time to end a relationship. When my ex and I broke up it took him about an hour to tell me and then it took me just over a week to find a place to move into and to move my stuff, while he stayed elsewhere.

So yes, time is needed but a practical amount.
This guy is using you for a cheap lay. Sorry, but that's what you get for "seeing" a man who openly admits he is in a relationship already.

LegacyUser

Well its over. Sent him a message last sunday saying i had enough. (No other way to get through to him-with his phone off, how else was i meant to end it? I dont want to talk to him either. He never gave me the respect).

I had enough before but always gave him a chance again. Just having my message ignored again last saturday done it for me. This was after some day last week, where he wanted to get it off with me (it didnt happen). He can use me for sex, but not anything else ???

Sent it in the morning asking him did he want to see me in the evening. Got the message report early afternoon. Evening time and his phone was off. That was my answer.

I ignored his calls on sunday and a few more on monday. But that was it. No more calls. I didnt want them anyway. But I wasn't even worth fighting for or worth keeping. I wasnt even worth it for him to leave her. I was never even worth going out with. He is such a ******.

I feel so hurt and feel like such a fool.

Firetrap

Well done :pac::pac: You made the right decision. Stay strong and don't be tempted to go back to him should he come crawling to you. It's natural that you will feel hurt, foolish and that you'll miss him. We all make mistakes in life and there's no shame in that. The trick is not to keep making them. The good thing is that you can only start to feel better out of this experience. Plus, now that you are properly single, you're free to go out with someone who will want you as a girlfriend, not a bit on the side.

Taltos

iamafool wrote: »

I feel so hurt and feel like such a fool.

One thing you most definitely are not is a fool.
If you had stayed with him then yes - I would be silently calling you a fool - but you saw him and the relationship for what it was and took action.

That took guts.
Well done - now forget about this loser and block his number, next night he has had a bit to drink and wants some fun you know he will come sniffing around again...

LegacyUser

Well done! This thread motivated me to move on from a phoney "relationship" that was going nowhere too. I toyed with the idea of posting a thread about it, but I was afraid to because I knew the responses would be exactly like this, and I didn't want to hear it. The truth hurts, but yes: you were being strung along, and so was I. Learning from mistakes is hard but necessary, I guess.

I waited six months from the first time she promised me it was over. I really wanted to believe her but nothing ever happened. Six months. Mental.

LegacyUser

He left me a voice message out of nowhere a while ago asking to text him my address. I moved into a place about a month ago and he never got my address. I dont want him visiting me. He hasnt done it in months. And it was always for a few hours and fck off again. I dont want that. If he cant even take me out ???

A few months ago his time was on a sunday morning. Im thinking it wasnt even meant for me. But is meeting someone else tomorrow.

Was this voice message meant to make me feel like crap again?

I am a friend

Only if you let it.

Do not respond to him at all. He is a master - well able to manipulate you.

Firetrap

+1 to don't let it affect you.

I'm not surprised that he has resurfaced. Thing is, he was using you for sex and is chancing his arm. From his point of view, contacting you is worth a punt. If you ignore his messages or tell him to clear off off, is he any worse off than he is at the moment? If you don't...well, it's a win win for him, isn't it?