He emotionally cheated... but partly my fault?

MercuryLake

Hi, I'm a reg here but using my friend's account for anonymity.

Basically, I'm in a long term relationship with my partner. Unfortunately, due to depression, PTSD and other issues (which I have been trying to get fixed and am on medication and in treatment for), I have had pretty much no libido. He moved home due to money issues 3 months ago, but for a month or two before that, sex was scarce as I was feeling no arousal really.

Anyway, by accident today, I stumbled across an email account he had left open, which was under a false name (real first name, false second name). I asked him about it and he refused to talk about it, insisting there was no reason for it and it wasn't him using it (it was on his personal computer). I asked him to be honest with me and tell me but he didn't. I knew he was lying (sorry, but after the time we've been together I know when he's lying) and so I checked the email behind his back. He's been emailing random girls from chat sites and getting them to send him naked pics. He's also sent some back.

We had it out and he is apologetic and says he does still love me but basically said it's because of the lack of sex. He didn't say it in a mean way, just to defend him a small bit. He also agreed that if we try again, I can have full access to his computer, emails, phone, if I feel the need to check things, to prove that he is remaining loyal to me.

I need to clarify that he has never tried to meet these women, he has only talked with and exchanged pictures.

I have decided to think about this and whether or not I feel I can trust him again or forgive him frankly. I know he didn't physically sleep with other women but in my opinion this is just as bad and to be honest I'm heartbroken.

I know I played my part by having no libido but we discussed this numerous times and it's not like it's a life long thing, it was 7 years since I was raped a few months ago and I was bad because of that, which he knew. I asked him numerous times if he could handle it and he said he could, and he never had a problem handling it before.

Do you guys think that there is anything to salvage? Do you think I should give him another chance?

maxwell smart

Hi There

My wife (17 years together) had an emotional affair over the last year, and is still having it. We are now separating due to me handling this badly and her refusal to admit it is in fact an emotional affair.

You need to decide, do you want him in your life?

I know he has betrayed you, but maybe he wasn't thinking about it at the time. What I mean is maybe it is something that got out of hand. His offer to you seems genuine.

Again the question is, do you want him? At heart most men are stupid, they do before they think. Most of them mean no harm by it, its just their nature. That's not an excuse for it, just an explanation perhaps for his actions.

Maybe he didn't think of the hurt and pain it would cause you. But forgiveness is something wonderful to be able to give another person.

If he has been there for you through all your troubles, then maybe he deserves another chance.
You know him better than anyone, and don't let this incident make you think you don't know him.

Good Luck

MercuryLake

Hey there, thanks for the reply, it really means a lot right now because it's comforting to know somebody knows how I feel...

Thing is, I get where you're coming from but a part of me is saying that I can't know him, not if he'd do this because I never believed he'd do it. I do want him in my life and I obviously do still love him, but it hurts. A lot. More than I can describe to be honest.

I spoke to my best friend about it (she and my other best friend are the only people I've told and are the only people I plan on telling), and she talked it out with me and told me I should give him a chance to prove himself to me, because she thinks that that is what I want really. And if I'm honest, it is what I want.

I'm afraid though. I'm scared that because I KNOW I'll get paranoid and will be questioning him, he won't be able to handle it (although he says he can and will do anything to make it up to me) and I'll get hurt in the end. Before this relationship, my relationships were mostly bad and I'm scared I'll get hurt again, because this relationship was amazing to be perfectly honest, until this came up.

I understand where you're coming from saying he just didn't think about it. He said pretty much the same thing and that he thought it was basically the lesser of two evils. But what's going through my head is why couldn't he have just watched porn?! Why talk dirty to randomers? I understand porn, I like porn but I don't get why he'd feel the need to talk to random girls.

I'm also feeling pretty ugly and miserable right now, because all of the girls he spoke to were thinner and prettier than me. Now, I'm not saying I'm fat because I'm not. I don't think I'm ugly either (well, I didn't til now). I have some insecurities, but in general I think I'm fairly attractive, but these girls were absolutely stunning and I can't compare to that at all

I wish he could just say something to make it all better because I'm devastated right now. I love this guy and could have seen myself spending my life with him but now, I don't know... I don't know if I'll be able to trust him again and I can't spend my life with someone I can't trust.

To be fair to him, before this incident, he was a great boyfriend. Kind, considerate, helpful when I felt bad, he made me feel happy and good about myself and he made me feel loved. I'm scared though that I won't feel that way with him again, even though he's doing his best to reassure me. He didn't want to show me the emails (I only read one or two, enough to see the proof basically), but I demanded that he did and yeah he was having cyber sex and sending and receiving photos, but he never once mentioned meeting up IRL, to give him some credit. I don't think he's a bad person, but I've never felt this hurt before, because I've never been so open, honest and just myself with someone before.


I read your thread, maxwell (I can't remember but I think I even commented it on my normal account, but could be wrong), and I'm really hoping everything works out for you, whatever the outcome you deserve to be happy, and you've given some really heartwarming, insightful advice here recently and I want to thank you sincerely for posting on my thread.

Neyite

I dont think you can fully decide what to do right now - you only discovered it today, and I do think you need time to process it and decide what will and wont work. Right now you are in turmoil and need to process that. I would say give it a few days and look at the situation when you have processed it a bit more. Today is too soon for either of you to have any answers.

However, sex can wane sometimes during a relationship, and that is no excuse to cheat. If that was the case, men would be justified getting it elsewhere after their partner has given birth (and forget the 6 weeks malarkey, if you get stitches its gonna be a lot longer than that!) So, you cant say that a lack of sex caused him to do this. It didnt. He caused him to do this.

You seem to be going through so much and the one stable thing you had, was just turned upside down today. Try not to think right now of the future (easier said than done) just think of tomorrow, then the day after and so on. The right thing to do will come to you in time. Be kind to yourself and listen to yourself too. Hugs.

LegacyUser

Hi there...

I'm sorry to hear about your discovery (well, not the discovery, but how you are now feeling). I'm a mid/late-twenties male who went through something similar with my (now ex) girlfriend of 4 years over a 12 month period, culminating in a fairly traumatic breakup in summer 2010. Every relationship is different, but the long and short of it was that she was a repeat and helpless cyber-sex offender with guys she met via gaming online. She made all the right noises with promises and offers of full disclosure/email access when I caught her red handed the first time, but just made duplicate accounts. However it also later transpired that she had physically cheated on me, so I guess it was very much in her character. She cited the complete lack of sex in our relationship (my issues) as the driver. She never "physically" met up with any of the guys she was messing around with over the year or so long period, but it ended when she finally did take that next step behind my back and I uncovered it. Turns out it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'm in a happy relationship with a great girl for the past 6 months.

So:

1) I don't buy the general "sex-replacement" excuse. I think this is a cop out, and is surreptitiously deflecting the blame onto you for your absent libido. If your boyfriend isn't - just as my ex wasn't - being satisfied, and it is a significant enough hurdle for him to get over despite your genuine reasons; Then he should give your relationship the appropriate burial and do the dignified thing and break up with you. The clichéd (and often patronisingly unhelpful) advice you will hear is that "if he loves you enough, he will wait for you/make sacrifices". It isn't that simple however. While this is generally true, and is a nice idea; it is also true that sex is a very important part of almost every relationship, especially one between younger partners. It's as simple as him walking-the-walk to back up his supportive talk, making the sacrifice for the time being, and staying faithful ... or alternatively he should just break up if that's too much to do.

2) Some people find it very tough to get as offended by the "emotional/cyber" brand of cheating, and almost let it slide; labelling it a bit of fun and fairly harmless because of the proximity of the girls involved. I'm of the school that there really is no excuse for any infidelity, emotional or physical. I don't like the red flags that it throws up - and in my case they turned out to be very accurate. I'd also like to make the point that what your boyfriend did was physical, despite you referring to it as "emotional" cheating. No, he didn't touch any of the girls he was emailing, but he observed them physically, and they observed him, presumably for sexual gratification purposes.

3) My above advice may seem a little harsh, and tough to get through because the shock is fresh; But you are now in a position where you need to be extremely careful with regard to "taking him back" as it were. You need to be absolutely sure, but unfortunately you don't have the information required for that position just yet. As someone mentioned though, it is all very fresh for you to be mulling over just yet. You should try take a couple of days and keep busy with your girlfriends or something then come back to it.

However:

4) He has made a fairly big gesture of commitment to you however in granting you access to his accounts etc. This is a good sign, as he concedes he has done wrong and is making a declaration of intent for the future. You guys love each other, but the sex isn't there. I've been in that relationship. They can be extremely tough to walk away from, and you'll try everything to get it back on track; That's what this sounds like to me. On the other hand you've painted him as a good guy otherwise, so if it's something that he can make sure never happens again, then he may deserve another chance.

5) Also, don't get down on yourself. You bagged a (for the most part) great guy in the first place, who's afraid of losing you, so I'm sure you are a great catch too. I'm sure you are a very pretty girl with a lot more going on than some sluts who will email pictures of themselves to strangers. These "emotional" or cyber relationships are almost never about finding a better looking member of the opposite sex; They are more about a cheap thrill, or a response to boredom, so please don't let it knock your confidence.


It's very, very late; and I wanted to offer more objective advice than just coming across a little untrusting of people and their ability to learn from their mistakes. I will post more on my experience of being in a similar position to you tomorrow/as the thread progresses. I did a lot of reading about emotional cheating and cyber "affairs" after my relationship car crash last year, so maybe I can help.

Good luck in the mean time