Friend that I dont like being around

LegacyUser

Have a bit of tricky situation. Became friends with a bloke from my area there towards the end of last year. Found him grand, normal at the start.. then sometimes very heavy conversations would happen, but I put that down to drunken talk. Then it was every time we went off for a few drinks, he'd get into very heavy talks on the way home etc.. got to the point where I would not look forward to going out looking for girls and having fun cause I knew the walk home would be so depressing... Then he would become aggressive towards others that would have a laugh with him by banter/joking with him (everyone does it and everyone gives as good as they get). But he'd take it to heart and go on and on about how bad the world was to him. I have tried to snap him out of it a few times cause I am just so tired of it all and it brings me down too!!! telling him to snap out of it and grow up and to realise everyone is not out to get him and to just ease up on things.. that didn’t go down well at all and we had it out, him acting like a kid walking infront of me by about 50 meters down the Dublin quays when we were walking home.. I was in shock at how idiotic and immature he got on that occasion.

Couple weeks later we were out, whole lot of us out, came to going home time and he completely freaked at me for missing the nightlink that we hadn't even planned to get... WTF?? He ended up leaving voicemails on my phone telling me what a w**ker I was, bla bla bla and how much he wasn’t going to bother anymore being my friend, and that he has to look out for me when I’m out?? Seriously WTF, that took me aback and things have not been the same since. Nasty voicemails left on my phone which I was told to delete by him the next day cause he didn’t mean to be so nasty... Now that was a few months ago and he has been away for those months. He came back recently and tbh I’ve been avoiding him, dont want anything to do with him but I am putting on a friendly face. He rang me and wanted me to go to a match which I pulled away from but now he's after me again for another match.. I have discussed this with other friends and even though they have sympathy for my situation, they do not want to get involved as they know what this guy is like, he has issues as they have put it or "he's ok in small portions"... Unfortunately I am finding this out now for myself. I was even at his brothers birthday a few months ago before he went away, and his brother comes upto me at the end of the night and whispers in my ear "you're a good friend to him, he doesn’t have many friends at all". Alarm bells started ringing at that point! A very similar thing happened when I went to the pub with him and a few of his dads friends. His dad comes upto me when no one else was around and said thanks for being his son's friend... AGHHHHHH WHAT. THE. F*CK!!!! Its just SO odd!!!!! WTF!!!! He just is not fully there and I know its horrible to say, but even the mention of his name has me creeped out and not wanting to talk to him. He keeps calling me and txting me every few days and his conversations just go on and on... its so tiring to even listen to him. He's txted me there and I once again I’m telling him no thanks, cant meetup.. I cant avoid him forever as I am in a class with him every few days. I’ve never had to deal with this before and am kinda at a loss at how to deal with it ???

Other things get me annoyed too, like I can’t tell him anything privately for fear that he will blab it all out to everyone else or publicly to others. I have given him a chance in the past, only for him to completely embarrass me when I have specifically asked him not to. I just don’t tell him anything anymore, not a chance! I feel he doesn’t get social boundaries. Sure even my other friend punched him at one stage because he was embarrassed too by **** publically embarrassing him

Chinafoot

Sounds like he's a sensitive soul who could possibly be depressed. He would probably be better trying to speak to a counsellor instead of trying to talk to someone he obviously thought was his friend. Or just friends that don't think trying to talk about how they feel makes them "not all there."

Look, you're obviously very different and it sounds like he expects more from his friends than just going to the pub "looking for girls" and getting slagged off by other blokes. Not everyone enjoys "banter" the way you do. Maybe he is immature in how he handles things (leaving the voicemails for example) but you haven't exactly covered yourself with glory in this scenario either. You sound very immature to me and I find it quite sad that you think anything other than a superficial, macho friendship where all you do is try to pick up girls, rip the piss out of each other and never discuss anything even resembling an emotion, is odd or weird. I'm guessing you're all, what?, 17/18? He got physically punched for embarrassing someone? What happened to giving as good as you get? What if he thought it was this "banter" you're so fond of?

Maybe he does have social issues. Maybe he doesn't know what its like to have a friend. These are things that you can't fix.

I would suggest you tell him that you can't be his friend anymore as you're too different. Alternatively just ignore him. Hopefully he'll find himself some other friends on the same wave length.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I agree that that is indeed a tricky situation. I can see how you're really stuck here, you feel sorry from him but also don't like being around him. I think the best thing to do is still socialise with him, it doesn't sound like he has many friends at all. Could you just keep it to small amounts of time? Like maybe just go to the cinema with him or just go out for one or two drinks? I think if you can find a way to still be his friend without jeopardising yourself too much. He obviously has some problems but that could be compounded by the fact that he doesn't seem to have many friends and that's hard when you're young. I think that staying friends with him would be good for you, it's nice to do something selfless for someone that needs it. And who knows maybe when he sees that you're still friends with him he'll relax a bit and maybe cop on a wee bit. Ultimately I think it would be a mistake to ditch him, why kick a man when he's down? That wouldn't leave you feeling very good about yourself. Also you can never have too many friends. Maybe just be nice to him for the sake of being nice? I'm sure you'll do the right thing, you don't sound mean or selfish, maybe just concentrate on being a good friend to him and you'll get a good friend in return.

Best of luck.

qwertytlk

Hey,
this guy clearly has a few issues, and he sounds like he may be depressed or has been depressed in the past. Usually depression and alcohol dont go too well together so would it be possible to socialise with him without involving drink? Say if you went to this match with him then would you have to drink? If he is not drinking then he probably doesnt get all heavy etc.
The fact that he confides in you shows that he thinks alot of you. But if you dont feel comfortable with it, or dont think your equipped to help sort him problems then next time he starts discussing his issues with you then maybe you should suggest he goes to counsellig. It would probably do him the world of good.

As for his family members commending you for being his friend, well whats wrong with that? Maybe they just said it because they have seen a change in him for the better since you started socialising together. Unfortunatley some people arent blessed with hoards of friends. This doesnt mean they are bad people or that there not going to just as nice as otheer friends.

If you can then try and still see him, even sometimes. Im sure he isnt stupid so will probably be getting the hint your avoiding him, which lets face...that is never a good feeling. So he may ask you whats wrong. If he does then perhaps you could tell him what some of your issues with him are-in as nice and gentle a way as possible. Then he may be able to change some of the things is doing that annoy you. Like for example gettin all heavy with you after nights out. So you could say to him that instead of doing that, he can talk to you other times but when you are in a great mood after a night out, the last thing you want to do is go on a big downer.

Basically im just saying dont write him off just yet.
Someday you may need a friend like he needs you. And i wouldnt read too much into what people say or do after a night of drinkinh as no one is really themselves after a skin full. Im sure you have done/said things you regretted the day after a night out on the beer! So dont judge him too much on that.