Hiding... Can't Go On

LegacyUser

Registered user going unreg'd for this one...

I'm 27 years old, male, I live with 3 friends in a house we're sharing. I am fairly successful. I have a steady job (I'm a Garda) and do some part time work just to have some extra cash (I know I'm not supposed to, but that's one of my little secrets!!!).

From the outside, I'm straight as an arrow. I suppose there are some of the stereotypical signs of being gay (well read on fashion, dress well, take care of myself, have expensive tastes, attend the theatre etc.), but I think that these are horrible negative stereotypes and I hate to bring them into this thread. For some reason though, I feel they are slightly relevant. Don't know why... I'm confused really.

But inside, I know in my heart and soul that I'm gay... or bi at least. I watch gay porn, chat in gay chatrooms. But I've never had any contact with another man in real life. Naturally I've had some heterosexual relationships, but secretly these left me feeling unfulfilled and joyless. I honestly find myself fantasising about being in a loving, caring relationship with another man. But this often makes me feel very down, as I don't think this is a realistic possibility where I am at the moment.

In my life, casual homophobia is rampant; my friends, my family, colleagues... everyone. They make these horribly degrading gay jokes (the usual idiotic fare that portray all gay men as sexual predators who are only interested in anal rape, etc.) and make comments about other people as to how 'gay' they look. I even got slagged off in work for a shirt and tie combo I wore one day, being told "Yeah, that's a lovely tie alright... if you were f**kin quéer." How lovely....

There's also a real 'canteen culture' vibe in the station I'm in. All the lads in the station have a real close-minded, conservative mindset. I join in, slagging gays and such, but I die a little inside every time I do. One of the lads launched into this rant, a real vicious and vitriolic diatribe about how disgusting the whole thoughts of homosexuality is. I felt like crying afterwards, but bottled it up and said nothing.

This for me makes it very hard to come out. I so badly want to, but I'm so afraid that it will make life so much more difficult for me. Friends could evaporate, family disowning me (don't have much of a relationship with them as it is, but that's a job for another thread), work becoming more of a nightmare than it already is, etc. I just fear the overtly negative potentials that could result if I came out more than I would look forward to the positives.

I tried to pluck up the courage to go to a gay bar when I was on holidays before. I was on my own on this holiday and I tried to go and enjoy myself. In there, I got talking to a very nice guy. He was very good looking as well. We enjoyed each others' company, and I really felt like I was starting to enjoy myself. But it was when we went outside to have a smoke and he tried to kiss me that I freaked. I tried to run away, but he grabbed me and was concerned. I was nearly crying and blurted out a lot of what was wrong with me. He was so nice to me and hugged me, telling me to just be safe and to not worry about things as much. I was never so touched by kindness in my life and that man will forever be in my mind. I know I would have loved to have spent the night with him, but something in my mind just snapped that night and the cowering, wannabe straight side of me came crashing back and I ruined my holiday for myself.

In my circle of friends, there are 3, maybe 4, people I would consider telling. Two of them I live with and they are really, really close friends of mine. The other two are also great friends who I would hope I could trust. But every time I think I've plucked up the courage to try and tell them, I just can't. My mouth just clamps up, despite my mind wanting to scream it. Probably my best friend is one of the lads I'm living with. We are very good friends and I love him to bits (in a platonic way!!!!!). I know him. He'd never blab about anything I told him. But I'd be worried about what he thought of me after.

Also, I'm a very physically intimate person; I love hugging people and so on. It's NEVER in a sexual/seedy way, but I'd be worried that people/guys would start to go back and start to overanalyse every time I'd have hugged them or even casually patted their back or anything.

I long to be able to be myself and to be open about my sexuality... but genuinely fear for a lot of things. I just wish I could leave, go somewhere nobody knew me and be myself for the first time in my life.

Beruthiel

By any chance, have you built all these difficulties up in your head?
For instance, weren't the Garda voted one of the most gay friendly employers not so long ago?
That work mate sounds like a dick though, so maybe you don't need to tell the people you work with.

Why not take it in tiny steps and tell your best friend first.
Even having one person know will lift a weight off.

Please consider counselling.
It would help you accept who you are. Until you do, this turmoil will continue.

You deserve to be happy SM and that won't happen until you can truly be yourself.
You have one life, it's short, you should be out enjoying it.
More to the point, you CAN enjoy it, you just need to be brave now and take those first steps towards accepting yourself. This is not insurmountable.
Best of luck hon.

what the hell!

Aw man sorry it sounds like you're really beating yourself up. I'm the same as you I'm 27 and really only started to come out over the past few months. One or two of my female friends have known for 2 or 3 years but I started to tell my best male friends over the last few weeks. They've been so great and it helps so much. I had to text one of my best friends because I literally could not say it to him. Same as yourself the words would not come out of my mouth! He rang me straight away and we had a good laugh and he slagged me of course ha!
I understand what you're saying about the hugging and touching etc. but that feeling will feck off after a while. Absolutely nothing has changed with the lads apart from the abusive (banter) text messages every now and again! Any way that the lads you're living with might have a slight idea that you'd be gay? Do ye talk about girls and stuff? For your own sanity if I were u I'd say it to your best friend he sounds like he wouldn't give a **** and then take it from there. If you can't physically say it to him send him a text.

ongarboy

Hi OP,
I found your post very moving. I'm sad that you are enduring this heavy burden. As the other poster said, The Garda Siochana are known to be a gay friendly organisation (although from your first hand experience, it would suggest otherwise??). I understand from reading articles before that they have a gay and lesbian club. Would you consider contacting them? I believe they would completely respect your discretion and it would allow you to meet like minded individuals who would share similar concerns as they do the same or similar job as you. You could make new friends and not feel so isolated.

I do believe your very close friends would not reject you if you came out to them either. If people can't love and respect you for who you truly are, then are they really genuine friends? Is there one person outside your usual close social circle (perhaps not a housemate or work colleague) that you could confide in?

However, I think perhaps seeking counselling would be a more worthwile priority right now for you rather than coming out. Try to view this type of help without stigma. Counselling would enable you to open up freely and in a completely confidential environment to a non judgemental person about all your fears, concerns and feelings for the the first time and allow them to help you help yourself in tackling and overcoming those issues You said you have a steady job so you can afford it and it would probably be the best money you ever spent. You do only have one life and if you don't take action, your 20s will turn into your 30s with the same fears and dilemmas clinging to you.

Have the courage to seek this help.

brokenice

First and foremost, you need to get this off your chest somehow. It's clear the damage it's doing mentally to you. Once you tell at least one person, the weight will be off your back. Then it will become easier to tell more and more. Pretty soon you'll be wondering what you were worrying about in the 1st place. It's easy to say 'oh looking back it was fine'. Absolutely, it is a big step and important time in anyone's life. But just remember, it get's a lot easier.

As for work, you could just come straight out and say it in a clear cut way. Next time they start slagging gay people you could just say "Guys this is a bit insulting'. To which they'll probably say 'Why are you gay? LOL!!!' Then just say 'yeah I am'. Take it from there. I agree with above poster, that one garda sounds like a dick.

Regarding family and friends, they'll take time to come round and if they don't well....better off without them dude! Had what I considered to be a very good friend, when I told him he blanked me, never stayed in touch. His loss.

Hope that helps. You'll be fine.

floggg

Hey OP.

Believe me, you are not the first person to go through this and you won't be the last. It's hard as hell (I was there only 6 months ago) but it gets better as they say.

At the start of the year, I was in a similar position to yourself - I was the "straight type" with typical blokey type friends who made all the tasteless casual homophobic jokes. Much like yourself, I remember my best friend in particular going on about how disgusting and unnatural gay sex was. I had done a bit of fooling around with guys I met online, but I wasn't out to anybody in the world and couldn't bring myself to even say the words I'm gay to myself, never mind to other people. Needless to say I was miserable!

At the start of the summer though, I finally decided to confront it one way or the other. I had built it up in my head whereby I would be a social pariah - I would lose friends, family etc. I figured id have to give up 5 a side football as nobody would want to play with me. I decided though it was better than what I was going through at the time.

As it turned out, most if not all of it had been in my head. I came out to a few close friends and family, braced for the worst. But there have been no issues whatsoever. I'm now out to practically all my friends and immediate family and I haven't gotten one negative reaction. I'm much closer to a lot of friends because I now feel I can be honest with them, and they'll take me for who I really am.

Obviously I can't say it will necessarily go the same for you. But I think sometimes you build these things up to be the biggest thing in the world in your head when in reality nobody cares half as much as I do. I know in my case, that was because I was very uncomfortable with the idea of gay at the time, and in hindsight I realised that I was the only one who had a problem with it.

Thankfully my friends acceptance helped me get comfortable with it, but more so I think it was actually going out and meeting other gay people. Seeing that they are normal folk like everybody else and that there was nothing wrong with them, and by extension me!

Anyway, in a rambley kind of way, I'm trying to tell you that maybe its not as big a deal as you may think it is. Right now, without being able to share it with anybody or any reference points, i know it must feel impossible to deal with.

What I would suggest is maybe trying to take some sma steps, like confiding in a close friend or perhaps getting out and meeting some other gay people. There are plenty of social groups out there which might be a nice outlet, or places like the Outhouse do courses etc - though I appreciate you might want to keep it more discrete than that.

If you are in the Dublin area, Im sure the upcoming meet up for this forum might be a good place to start - I don't think it's organised for a gay bar, so it would be a non intimidating place to start.

Or again, if in Dublin and you wanted to meet me for a coffee/pint to talk, pm me. I had somebody on another web site do that for me when I started and I couldn't thank him enough for it. Feel I need to pay it forward!

CdeC

Hi Sadman,
Coming out is a process, I can advise on how to make it easier on yourself. the first person that needs to accept who you are is yourself.
A lot of gay people fo through a self loathing period, try and rationalise your thoughts. you have received messages your whole life telling you that being gay is wrong. you need to tell yourself everyday that this is not true.
Being gay is good, loving another man is fine and eventually you will believe it. work on self esteem and confidence. take control and remember that you are the most important person and your happiness is paramount.

I would advise talking to an impartial person first, a councellor, try and unload some of the emotional baggage you are carrying. you talk about wanting a committed relationship with someone, but this seems impossible. WHY!!!. of course you can have this, but to achieve it you need to open yourself up to this side of yourself. confidence and self assuredness will help you down that road. You deserve to be happy so go and look for it.

Also I know 3 guards who are openly gay and have no problems. There is even a network of gay guards who I know are discreet and if you like I could pass on some info on them. They have loads of members who are not out professionally but keep them up to date.

corkman123

I am in a very similar situation to you, I’m 20, a closet college student, most if not all of my mates are anti-gay, my family aren’t particularly gay friendly either, for ages I thought was bi but now starting to realise that I’m only into fellas, I don’t feel ready to come out until I make some close gay mates similar to me to fall back on. However, I’m not your stereotypical gay, I like sports, very masculine, just a lad’s lad therefore have found it very difficult to make gay mates similar to me, and it’s tough but nice to know there are others in a similar situation to me. if you wana talk private mail me.

floggg

Two things to add

1. A counsellor could be a good idea, though don't feel you have to. Plenty of people work through this fine without one - though I think the main thing is to share it with somebody. Keeping things bottled up will kill you.

2. OP/corkman - there is no such thing as a stereotypical gay man. Obviously the more extroverted camp types are a bit more visible, but most gay people are pretty much normal guys. A lot of us like sports, and there are plenty of gay sporting groups.

I know the idea that I wasn't a typical gay put me off for a long time, as I thought id never fit in or be happy on the scene, but once I got over my misconceptions I found that there is a lot of cool people out there and am making some good friends.

DubArk

I remember exactly what it’s like, the worrying, over analysing, sleepless nights. Sure I use to crash with a mate on and off for years (share a bed). Obviously nothing ever happened we were like brothers back then but I was very nervous on how he would react.
I actually left Ireland and then came out to family and a few chosen trusted friends to begin with and then let the jungle drums do their business back home. Yes I did have a few negative reactions and still do btw but living my life as a truly feel, out weights any negatives, by a thousand.

I’m in a very loving long term relationship and really never think about been gay except when some arse hole reminds me by making inappropriate remarks. That’s very rare these day.
I have only one worry for you and that is, the fact you have never had contact sexually with another man! Maybe I shouldn’t say this but I do think things might be clearer to you when you do.

How did my mate react when he found out I was gay? Well, we didn’t have contact for years and I felt he had dropped me like a hot cake. I was very disappointed in him and found it very difficult to come to terms with it. Not to long ago we met in mutual company and after a few drinks he approached me and asked could he speak frankly. He was upset by the fact I never trusted him enough to tell him to his face and over the years had found that very difficult to come to terms with. I was the coward and I did lose him as a friend and things did change and they do for everybody throughout life, for family, friends and jobs.


I’m sure we all here stand shoulder to shoulder with you during this very difficult time in your life and I hope, in the not to distant future, you’ll look back on this time been able to put it up to experience. Remember there are people and organisations out there that would be only to happy to listen and help you on your journey.

Beruthiel

Incase you missed it SM, there is a night out being organised for the end of the month.
It would be a tiny first step for you if you attended.

apache

working in the justice department is notoriously homophobic. you get a double edged sword from clients and colleagues. i don't know how people think that being a guard is gay friendly. because they got a LGBT award? i don't know if that group is still running but to me they seemed more of a social club when i approached them and had little or no structure.

it is difficult especially in the job you do but things are getting better. you will hear homophobic comments daily but thats just part and parcel of it. it took me ages to get my head around it. most of it is just bravado.

floggg

Apologies if this is needless nit picking of language, but are you on about working in the Dept of Justice or just in the field of law and order generally?

Obviously there's a difference between the Dept and An Gardaí Síochana.

Also, what do you mean by clients - neither the Dept or Gardaí have clients as such.

If you mean the law game generally, I wouldn't have thought so. I'm in that field myself, and while not out in work I wouldn't foresee it as being a problem if I was.

apache

floggg wrote: »

Apologies if this is needless nit picking of language, but are you on about working in the Dept of Justice or just in the field of law and order generally?

Obviously there's a difference between the Dept and An Gardaí Síochana.

Also, what do you mean by clients - neither the Dept or Gardaí have clients as such.

If you mean the law game generally, I wouldn't have thought so. I'm in that field myself, and while not out in work I wouldn't foresee it as being a problem if I was.

i'm talking about the guards and the prison service. i'm not talking about the legal field. i'm sure there is no problem there! i'm sure he knows what i mean when i say "clients". of course we have clients.

floggg

apache wrote: »

i'm talking about the guards and the prison service. i'm not talking about the legal field. i'm sure there is no problem there! i'm sure he knows what i mean when i say "clients". of course we have clients.

Cool. Would have been very surprised if the Dept of Justice AND EQUALITY was bad for that sort of thing!

LegacyUser

OP here again...

First off, thanks so much to everyone who replied. I'm really starting to think of getting help for myself... and to start helping myself too.

Another thing about me: while from appearances, I seem like a really tough guy (I'm 6' 2'' or so, well-built, etc.), I truly am very sensitive and you could even say highly strung. I am not afraid of showing emotion to certain people, which I think some people snicker at behind my back.

Maybe the Gardaí is 'gay-friendly' but on the ground level, at the level of where there are the young, rank-and-file Gardaí, it isn't so much. There is still that real conservative mindset there and it is fairly strong. I'd be genuinely worried about what could happen.

One of the lads I'd consider to be my closest friend, I'm fairly sure he could take a guess. We were talking one night (as we do a lot, we talk together a lot about our lives) and I was aching to tell him. I was crying and saying there was something I really wanted to tell him. He had his hand over my shoulder and was telling me it was ok, that I could tell him anything. But I simply couldn't. I just cried and clammed up. He started trying to gently coerce me into saying it, by guessing what I wanted to say. Was I abused as a kid? Had I done something horribly illegal? But he never stumbled to asking me if I was gay. But I think that he knew. He just wanted me to say it, rather than he saying it and that I would confirm it. I said I was sorry, but he was so good and just hugged me and told me that I could always tell him if something was bothering me.

This guy is easily one of my best friends, possibly even THE best friend. We've had our little arguments here and there but we always acknowledge that we are really good friends. He has been there for me through some rough times lately.

My problem is, I really find it hard to trust people. Maybe it's just me being cynical, but I really find it hard to trust people with secrets of mine. I always think in the back of my mind that if I show any weakness that it will come back and bite me later on. This could stem from a time when I was younger and I told a friend of mine a fairly embarrassing problem, and the next day the entire school knew and I was humiliated for weeks. Since then, I've been my own counsel and rarely talk to anyone. But obviously that's becoming harder for me to do now and I feel myself slowly reaching a point where I will have to tell someone.

My friends suspect something is wrong, as the last few times we've had drinks together, I've withdrawn into a dark place and been very quiet and moody. I even blurted out the above to them, that I didn't trust anyone with what was going on in my head. They took offence to that, and probably rightfully so.

But even at that, some of my best friends tease me sometimes about being a 'gay-boy' and that I solicit anonymous sex from men at night. It's nothing major, and I'm sure they don't mean it with any malice, but it does cut deeper than some might imagine.

The posts left have given me hope and courage, though. I'm seriously going to try and talk to my friend that I've mentioned. He probably half suspects and I sincerely hope he will be supportive. I can't imagine he will react too badly...

I will check back soon, to let people know what's happened. Thanks again to everyone who posted here. You have no idea how uplifting it was to read some of the posts. Thank you.

T Corolla

I hope you come to some peace soon. I am in my 50's and hate to see young people in a place they cannot get out no matter what it is. You seem a good person with a heart and with genuine love for everyone. I wish in this day and age people could look beyond someone sexuality whether they like it or not and get on with the person for what they like. Please look after your mental health and this is the most important thing you'll need to sustain yourself though this time.

floggg

Great to gear your feeling a bit better about it OP.

Again, I see a lot of myself in that post. I could never open up to people - probably not so much from a trust point of you, but I bottled up and denied a lot of things and maybe I thought if I let the lid off on any of it, I might not know where to stop. I also did the over compensating thing too, and "real men" didn't talk about emotions. Which was BS.

One other thing about the teasing - I wouldn't always read so much into it. It's juvenile and stupid, but I'm sure they don't appreciate it's effect. Generally once they realise it might cause offence it will stop.

floggg

T Corolla wrote: »

I hope you come to some peace soon. I am in my 50's and hate to see young people in a place they cannot get out no matter what it is. You seem a good person with a heart and with genuine love for everyone. I wish in this day and age people could look beyond someone sexuality whether they like it or not and get on with the person for what they like. Please look after your mental health and this is the most important thing you'll need to sustain yourself though this time.

I honestly believe we ate very close to the point where most young people can. I haven't gotten any negative feedback from people my age (26) or thereabouts. Sure, the young and immature might be a bit stupid about these things, but I think a lot of young (20s and 30s) people really don't care anymore.

I'm excited for the next generation coming up, they should hopefully not have to worry about these sort of things.

T Corolla

floggg wrote: »

I honestly believe we ate very close to the point where most young people can. I haven't gotten any negative feedback from people my age (26) or thereabouts. Sure, the young and immature might be a bit stupid about these things, but I think a lot of young (20s and 30s) people really don't care anymore.

I'm excited for the next generation coming up, they should hopefully not have to worry about these sort of things.

I truly hope so

TylerIE

SadMan wrote: »

Registered user going unreg'd for this one...

I'm 27 years old, male, I live with 3 friends in a house we're sharing. I am fairly successful. I have a steady job (I'm a Garda) and do some part time work just to have some extra cash (I know I'm not supposed to, but that's one of my little secrets!!!).

<snip>

Have you considered g-force? http://g-force.ie/ Its the Garda Lesbian and Gay organisation. They are very discreet if desired and you could just meet up with a member or two for a chat. Use the phone number on the site and they will get back to you.

Others have mentioned AGS getting the award last year but on the ground its a little [lot] different.

I have limited experience of AGS and its not the most conducive environment for coming out, so I can understand your reluctance. I do think the job (in more ways than many careers) adds some extra worry to you coming out. Im a GR and I keep that side of my life totally private when in station. It kills me when I hear comments about "fags" and "queers" on the street, particularly as in my day job or with anybody else I would ALWAYS challenge (non aggressively) such comments.

However I also know that your role leaves you in a position to relate to and assist people in minority groups that very few of your colleagues could even possibly imagine, and perhaps one of the most rewarding experiences I had in AGS was being able to provide some hope/reassurance for a young gay individual from a grossly homophobic ethnic minority.

You mentioned your experiences when away on holidays - I know a few people who felt something broadly similar the first time they went into a gay venue in Ireland. In fact they felt even better - stuff that ya take for granted as a (straight teen) but in hindsight that you realise you kinda missed out on - first proper kiss, chatting someone you like up, etc - its different when its someone you really like.

As for coming out Its pretty safe to go to gay venues in Ireland without being outed to the wider public. Its easier if you have a few friends to go with.

You mention your friend being very close. I cant speak for him, but few of my friends who are gay had terrible experiences with coming out to people their own age. Even friends who previously were publicly homophobic just were out of ignorance - once they knew that there here-to-fore straight sound 100% normal friend happened to be gay all stereotypes were blown apart for them. They liked you before - so what will change?

Also, I'm a very physically intimate person; I love hugging people and so on. It's NEVER in a sexual/seedy way, but I'd be worried that people/guys would start to go back and start to overanalyse every time I'd have hugged them or even casually patted their back or anything.

At worst (in my experience) there would be a bit of oddness for a day or two then things go back to the way they were.

I long to be able to be myself and to be open about my sexuality... but genuinely fear for a lot of things. I just wish I could leave, go somewhere nobody knew me and be myself for the first time in my life.

You can be open.... It will take some work and be a bit of an emotional roller coaster but at least you will have it done. Once you get "out" you will genuinely wonder why you didnt do it before... It might take a little while but its better than spending 30 years bitter then turning round at retirement asking yourself why didnt I be myself sooner? Or worse still getting stuck in a fake skirt relationship - where as much as you may like or even love the person its in a "friendly" way - without it having the spark you kinda alluded to earlier.

Finally - if you wanted to consider the GMHS PDC they are likely to start one again in January. It offers a safe environment to help you come to terms and deal with living a healthy gay life. Its free of charge and takes place over 6 consecutive Tuesdays. If you work in Dub you could likely still be in for 10pm.

PM me if you want more info on g-force or have any questions...

Aard

OP, let us know how it goes after telling your best friend. Baby steps.

Beruthiel

OP Again wrote: »

The posts left have given me hope and courage, though. I'm seriously going to try and talk to my friend that I've mentioned. He probably half suspects and I sincerely hope he will be supportive.

From what you say about him, I think he does indeed suspect, and, he's ok with it.
So, get it off your chest. The relief will be enormous.
Let us know how you get on, we're rooting for you!

cgcsb

I think it'd be great for you to meet another gay man, socially, not in a sexual way. boards posters sometimes have social gatherings, so do queerid.com.

I fond that before telling anyone else, I had to tell myself first. I tried literally saying it out loud when I was alone, just saying it until the words lost all meaning. That actually helped. Then it became easier for me to say it.

df1985

OP tell your friend, sounds like youre close enough that it wont be a problem.

Dont get too caught up on the gay jokes, my mates are the exact same.everythings gay, queer, puffs etc. They dont mean it in an insulting way, its just typical ladish banter. my mates stopped doin it once i told them or theyd apologise when they slipped up but i laughed it off as i knew it meant nothing.

Theyre friends with you first and foremost, REGARDLESS of your sexuality.

I was the same as you-terrifed id lose friends etc. My group are typical loutish lads (sure i am aswell) but it wasnt an issue for any of them. youd be suprised at how people react.

LegacyUser

OP here again...

Just a quick update on how I'm doing... Obviously, the weekend is my busiest time pretty much and mad working hours mean I can't be around as the same time as my friends. Add to that, the friend I wanted to tell (my best friend, I've mentioned a few times) isn't really around tonight when we could talk alone (obviously, I want to keep this between him and me for the time being and don't want anyone to overhear; I also want to be able to shed some emotion during this as I'll probably need to). I reckon the next possible opportunity won't actually be for a little while... I'm working and he's got social engagements at night mid-week, so I think it could even be like Wednesday the earliest...

Pity, cos I was really hoping that tonight could be the night, but he's literally stepped out and all the other housemates are home... ugh.

But at least I'm getting closer to telling someone. And it's partly due to the encouragement and support I've gotten from posters here.

Sorry that this is something of an anti-climax for those half-hoping I'd be reporting back with good news... I'm kinda reporting back that nothing's happened.

I have laid a bit of a foundation... I told my friend (in a casual way) that I wanted to have a chat about something, as soon as there's an opportunity. That's always the way we go on when we need to talk about something half-serious (or very serious!), so he knew. He gave me the nod and told me anytime.

Thanks, and hopefully something more positive to report soon...

Jerry co

Hi OP,

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I posted here a few weeks back about tellin my best mate I was gay. I'm similar age to you by the way.

Before that I had only said it to 2 girls I knew both wouldn't have an issue with. My mate was the first I was taking a "gamble" on if you want to call it that. Basically he was sound out, since then we've talked over a lot of sh1te and I can honestly say we're better friends than we've ever been and I've known him since we're 6 or 7. Like you say, your mate sounds like he knows he just wants to leave it to you to say. Believe me, I know it's tough - you always think of the worst case scenario when thinking these things through but people, especially your friends are on the whole nice. You just need to give them a chance to show it.

Since I posted that post 6 or so weeks ago, I've told a girl in work, 2 more friends, flatmate (also a good mate), parents and 2 brothers. Haven't had a bad reaction yet. Some were surprised, some not. Parents were in a bit of shock even if they did suspect it but seem to be coming round to the idea.

I'm not going to lie and say it's been piss easy but I feel an awful lot better about myself than I did 2 months ago. Last week, I was having a bit of a panic attack about how quickly my whole coming out was gathering pace, my mate calmed me down and reassured me big time. What i'm saying is you need to talk to somebody though, ideally your mate. And sometimes, take a step back, dont believe the worst and go with your gut feeling on how someone will react.

Coeurdepirate

I started come out about 2 years ago at 15 and was scared at first to tell my best male friends for fear of rejection, like you, but it really hasn't changed anything with my relationships with them, here's the reaction that one of them had! http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=72364370&postcount=119

Also, when my older brother (who i often heard describing people as ******s when I was younger) found out I was gay (long story), he approached me saying that he wasn't going to mention it to me incase it made me feel uncomfortable, but he didn't want me to feel like I didn't have anybody to trust if I needed support. He reassured me that it didn't matter to him and that he still loves me etc.

The truth is, OP, that most people genuinely don't care. It's scary coming out, it really is, but you feel so much better once it's done. And also, regarding your co-workers, I also know from experience that a friend who was homophobic prior to my coming out decided that his friendship with me was more important that his (now old) views, so who knows, you might change lots of opinions!

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, it's a long journey but it's 100% worth it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP!
Im a regular poster on boards.ie going anon for this because I myself am not fully out.

I've just finished a relationship with a guard believe it or not! So you are NOT alone.
Mind you he wasn't out to he's work colleagues!

I am one of those who believe not everybody needs to know your business. You don't have to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry! And you certainly don't have to change the way you act or dress.

I actually came out about a year ago to my family and closest friends! All of which were shocked and supportive, and I come from a rural area in Kilkenny! It's not exactly Dublin or that down here, the gay bar didn't even last a year for heavens sake! lol

I don't really know what to say mate but for your own sake, talk to some body! A counsellor, friends, family! who ever! The important person here is you! You have to look after your mental health which is probably suffering allot with all of this bubbling underneath! I know it's not easy but look at it this way. If friends x,y and z are your closests friends who you spend most of your free time with, then tell them, you don't have to make a public announcement about it the way some people do!

I for one hope you can sort some thing out soon mate!
Please let us know what happens!

floggg

OP I wouldn't worry about disappointing us. Just do it whenever feels comfortable.

As the above poster has said, you can tell as many are as little people as you like. Just don't keep it bottled up.

Hope it goes well for you. I'm sure it will.

Edit - I know I obviously can't guarantee that your experiences will mirror mine, but I can honestly say coming out to family and friends was the post decision I ever made. I have been so much happier in myself and more at ease since then, and I feel an awful lot closer to my friends now. I also feel much more confident than before as well. And obviously I'm also enjoying exploring the whole gay thing too!

It's not exactly an easy process yet in many ways the last few months have been some of the best of my life. Hope you'll have a similar experience yourself.

coolpaddy

Hey OP,

I was once in the exact position as you are and I'm a full-time member of AGS too (stationed in Dublin). I came out about 4 or 5 years ago now and I have to say I was very pleasantly surprised by our colleagues' reactions.

It took me a few years to get to the point where I could tell people in work and if the truth be told, I was miserable before that. I had only just come out to close friends and family and I was encouraged by their reaction. I decided that in order for me to be completely happy I had to be able to be myself in the one place I spent most of my waking time. So I bit the bullet and told my unit one night.

I always knew that the younger members wouldn't have a problem with it. I was genuinely worried about how older guys like my Skipper and Cig would act around me as a result. I worried that it would affect my working relationship with them and then when it came to advancing my career I thought I'd be bottom of the list for anything that might pop up.

Thankfully, I couldn't have been more wrong. As hard as it might be for you I think you need to give the lads in the station a bit of credit. While on the surface they may seem like a bunch of homphobic Neanderthals, they might surprise you and show a different side when they're faced with a real life gay in front of them! Like you, I used to join in on the slaggings and banter (as much as I hated it). That still goes on but a bit but not really in my presence. Sometimes I'm even the subject of the slaggings but it's all in good fun.:D I'd say it has definitely brought me closer to the others on the unit.

I only had to tell a handful of people and within days the entire station and district knew. (I was expecting this and never asked for it to be kept secret.) You know yourself how good the guards are for spreading a bit of juicy gossip.

I'm not directly involved in G-Force so I can't comment either way on what they can do for you. From what I can see there's the at least the potential to make new friends.

I'm delighted that you at least have someone you feel you can talk to and trust. As other posters have said, once you let it out it gets easier. You're in absolutely no rush to tell anyone so I'd say take your time and do it at your own pace.

If you want to talk more feel free to PM me. Sorry to ramble on a bit but I wanted to reassure you that you're not alone and that there is hope there. And as I said your colleagues might even surprise you.

Best of luck.

moceri

I know that it may seem a little overwhelming but our twenties are the time when we can discover about who we really are. Keep it all in perspective:- Don't keep torturing yourself about "What if" and how others will react. Any one who has difficulty accepting you for who YOU are, is their problem not yours. If you make a decision to tell some of your close friends, it will be a huge un-burdening. I hope you overcome seeing this as a barrier to your relationships.
Good Luck.

rye_212

Everything they said. And, did you ever see a post on here from *anyone* saying that they came out and that they wished they hadn't. That their homophobic colleagues made their life hell when they came out. That they ended up with no friends. Etc etc.

No.

You've taken the first steps. Continue in little steps. Even telling one person makes a huge difference. The irrational fears and negativity inside just gradually disappears and gets replaced by postive stuff. Being out equips you to handle the casual hompophobia in a way that you cannot yet understand. It becomes water off a ducks back, even if you think you are more sensitive then the rest of us. Get ready to be listening to tales of their own personal emotional dramas. All humans come with those. Some ... like you ... find it hard to trust people and so bottle them up for a while.

Once you've come out to someone once, it becomes addictive. If I offered you €1000 that you should only tell one person and then no-one else for 5 years, you couldn't win it off me. So look forward and enjoy the coming out and take your time. You only get to do it once in your life. The excitement and newness of it eventually becomes memories only. Then you'll be facepalming reading your posts here and wondering what all the fuss was about.

easychair

rye1967 wrote: »

Everything they said. And, did you ever see a post on here from *anyone* saying that they came out and that they wished they hadn't. That their homophobic colleagues made their life hell when they came out. That they ended up with no friends. Etc etc.

No.

You've taken the first steps. Continue in little steps. Even telling one person makes a huge difference. The irrational fears and negativity inside just gradually disappears and gets replaced by postive stuff. Being out equips you to handle the casual hompophobia in a way that you cannot yet understand. It becomes water off a ducks back, even if you think you are more sensitive then the rest of us. Get ready to be listening to tales of their own personal emotional dramas. All humans come with those. Some ... like you ... find it hard to trust people and so bottle them up for a while.

Once you've come out to someone once, it becomes addictive. If I offered you €1000 that you should only tell one person and then no-one else for 5 years, you couldn't win it off me. So look forward and enjoy the coming out and take your time. You only get to do it once in your life. The excitement and newness of it eventually becomes memories only. Then you'll be facepalming reading your posts here and wondering what all the fuss was about.

I've never understood the need to tell everyone else ones sexual preferences. I've never had a friend or colleague come up to me and say "by the way, I think you should know I am heterosexual" , and why some homosexual people seem to have this urge has often seemed unnecessarily dramatic and a little self centered.

I am not particularly interested in my colleagues sexual preferences, any more than I assume them to be interested in mine, and no doubd when they meet, or have met, my partner then they can draw their own conclusions, just as I might draw mine when I meet or have met their partners.

Many gay people I know fell the same way I do, and don't feel they have any need to announce to others that they are gay, just as most of my straight friends have never felt the need to announce to anyone that they are straight.

If you want to tell someone, then tell them. Surely everyone can see that all the agonising over telling someone is the problem, not the telling.

CdeC

easychair wrote: »

I've never understood the need to tell everyone else ones sexual preferences. I've never had a friend or colleague come up to me and say "by the way, I think you should know I am heterosexual" , and why some homosexual people seem to have this urge has often seemed unnecessarily dramatic and a little self centered.

Couldn't disagree more, your colleagues more often than not become your friends. you should be allowed say.
"I was out with my boyfriend" or other such things. It's not about ramming your sexuality down someones throat it is about being able to share who you are openly and honestly as they might mention wives , girlfriends etc.

Also if colleagues are abusive and disrespectful abouot gay people that also needs to be addressed. It is not nice to work in an environment like that.

floggg

easychair wrote: »

I've never understood the need to tell everyone else ones sexual preferences. I've never had a friend or colleague come up to me and say "by the way, I think you should know I am heterosexual" , and why some homosexual people seem to have this urge has often seemed unnecessarily dramatic and a little self centered.

.

While I respect that you may choose to keep your business to yourself, it's unfair and naive of you to suggest that people's need to share their sexuality with others should be seen as unnecessarily dramatic and self centred.

There's lots of reasons why one might or might not like to tell the world or keep it to themselves. Some people might do it because they feel proud of their sexuality, they might like to upfront with people rather than wait for it to come up in conversation 6 months later, or that they just feel more comfortable with telling somebody rather than wondering the whole time whether they do or don't know.

Each to their own - there's no right or wrong way to do it, and you should respect everybody's own choices.

And it's equally wrong to say anybody should or has to come out or tell the world. Whatever the person is comfortable with, leave em be.

baby and crumble

I am out in work, but I didn't make a big deal out of it, when people asked me questions about my partner, I was just honest. It's nice to be able to take part in those conversations without worry about using gender neutral pronouns and all that.

easychair

CdeC wrote: »

Couldn't disagree more, your colleagues more often than not become your friends. you should be allowed say.
"I was out with my boyfriend" or other such things..

Really? My colleagues more of the than not become my friends?

As I feel quite at liberty to say whether or not I was out with my partner at work, rest and play, and all of my colleagues have met my partner, I am not sure why you think I should be allowed to say it, as it never occurred to me not to say it.

floggg wrote: »

While I respect that you may choose to keep your business to yourself, it's unfair and naive of you to suggest that people's need to share their sexuality with others should be seen as unnecessarily dramatic and self centred.

I respect your decision to respect what you may think is my decision, but you are wrong in your analysis that I keep my “business” to myself.

floggg wrote: »

There's lots of reasons why one might or might not like to tell the world or keep it to themselves. Some people might do it because they feel proud of their sexuality, they might like to upfront with people rather than wait for it to come up in conversation 6 months later, or that they just feel more comfortable with telling somebody rather than wondering the whole time whether they do or don't know.

What my post was about was the drama of “coming out”, which I see as usually unnecessary and a little self indulgent. I’ve never understood why being sexual should really make anyone proud, any more than having a left toe nail should make anyone feel proud. We are as we are.

floggg wrote: »

Each to their own - there's no right or wrong way to do it, and you should respect everybody's own choices.

And it's equally wrong to say anybody should or has to come out or tell the world. Whatever the person is comfortable with, leave em be.

Indeed, I’ve always wondered what it might be like if it was each to someone else’s own!

I don’t think it’s a matter or right or wrong, and that’s up to each of us to decide for ourselves. Unfortunately, what one person may be comfortable with ( ie making a drama out of coming out) may make someone else uncomfortable. For me, I try to think of others around me as well as myself, and that’s exactly why I said earlier that it can be self indulgent to make a drama out of coming out.

Caiseoipe19

easychair wrote: »

I've never understood the need to tell everyone else ones sexual preferences. I've never had a friend or colleague come up to me and say "by the way, I think you should know I am heterosexual" , and why some homosexual people seem to have this urge has often seemed unnecessarily dramatic and a little self centered.

I am not particularly interested in my colleagues sexual preferences, any more than I assume them to be interested in mine, and no doubd when they meet, or have met, my partner then they can draw their own conclusions, just as I might draw mine when I meet or have met their partners.

Many gay people I know fell the same way I do, and don't feel they have any need to announce to others that they are gay, just as most of my straight friends have never felt the need to announce to anyone that they are straight.

If you want to tell someone, then tell them. Surely everyone can see that all the agonising over telling someone is the problem, not the telling.

That'd be all good and well if people didn't assume your heterosexual until they find out otherwise. If heterosexuality wasn't automatically assumed for most people, then I think you would have a point. Therefore your relationship with people is based on an incorrect assumption.

I know what you're saying about not making a big deal about it but then maybe people want everyone they know to know the real them, if they see their sexuality as being a big part of their identity, and thus come out to everybody at the same time.

easychair

Cygnus wrote: »

That'd be all good and well if people didn't assume your heterosexual until they find out otherwise. If heterosexuality wasn't automatically assumed for most people, then I think you would have a point. Therefore your relationship with people is based on an incorrect assumption.

I know what you're saying about not making a big deal about it but then maybe people want everyone they know to know the real them, if they see their sexuality as being a big part of their identity, and thus come out to everybody at the same time.

I don't assume to think I know what others may or may not assume.

When you say my relationship is based on an incorrect assumption, I am curioius to know why you think that, as I can't agree that any relationship I have with anyone is baased on an incorrect assumption.

To assume that if someone doesn't know your sexual preference is to say that they can't get to know the real person, seems an unusual viewpoint. I hope my persona is no different that my persona should I have a different sexual preference, and don't see how my sexual preference has much bearing on my personality or persona.

I mean, I can understand that som others might find my sexual choices to be interesting, but other than that they have no ability to change my persona any more than if I choose the prawns or steak in a restaurant.

floggg

Maybe let's not drag this off topic. OP came on here looking for a bit of support in a rough time, doubt this sort of debate would help.

Annasopra

easychair wrote: »

What my post was about was the drama of “coming out”, which I see as usually unnecessary and a little self indulgent.

Fair enough. At the end of the day that is your opinion and a large number of people wouldn't agree with it or have the same opinion.

Beruthiel

easychair wrote: »

I've never understood the need to tell everyone else ones sexual preferences.

What if you work with the same people for 5/10 years?
There are three men in my office with me, I know them for 10 years now. We discuss our partners and family on occasion. It's a natural thing.

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to hide who you are under circumstances like that and how easier life would be if they just knew the real you.

easychair

Beruthiel wrote: »

What if you work with the same people for 5/10 years?
There are three men in my office with me, I know them for 10 years now. We discuss our partners and family on occasion. It's a natural thing.

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to hide who you are under circumstances like that and how easier life would be if they just knew the real you.

I have never hidden my sexual preferences from anyone. Which includes people with whom I have worked with for a day, or 10 years. I don't discriminate.

DubArk

easychair wrote: »

I have never hidden my sexual preferences from anyone. Which includes people with whom I have worked with for a day, or 10 years. I don't discriminate.

The only drama here is the one you're making out of nothing. What has all this got to do with the OPs thread?

easychair

DubArk wrote: »

The only drama here is the one you're making out of nothing. What has all this got to do with the OPs thread?

Wow, that pretty unfriendly. This is a discussion forum, and if you don't like any particular discussion, you are free to ignore it.

DubArk

easychair wrote: »

Wow, that pretty unfriendly. This is a discussion forum, and if you don't like any particular discussion, you are free to ignore it.

I’m not been unfriendly and I have already contributed to the discussion on this thread. You just keep taking it off topic and me and others are pointing that out, that’s all.
So far…. You’re still succeeding.

baby and crumble

Guys, consider this a blanket warning to stay on topic with regards the OP's original post, or start a new thread on the necessity (or not, as you see it) to come out.

Also, if people think posts are off-topic of the thread, please hit 'report post'. Less of the backseat modding or I shall turn this car right back around. I mean it!

LegacyUser

Hey, guys. OP here again.

I came so close... and yet so far. See, a problem is that my crazy working hours and that my best friend goes out a lot mid-week and works a lot on the weekend means that we don't get to spend a lot of time alone together. Add to this that I want to tell him while we're both calm and sober... also I want us to be alone, and that doesn't happen an awful lot when you share a house with 3 lads!

I came close to telling another friend (a girl) within the last couple of days... but once again I really clammed up and acted like nothing was wrong. I don't know why I keep doing that, when I know I could really trust this girl (she has plenty of friends who are gay, is very open-minded and we've been friends since we were kids, and maybe I'm being harsh on some of my male friends, but I think that girls would be more 'forgiving' and understanding than blokes!).

This is becoming a real problem for me though... telling my best friend is something I really want to do.. but everytime I think I'm going to get to tell him, something happens. He works Monday nights, goes out Tuesdays and Wednesdays for football practice, works Thursday to Saturday and usually disappears on Sunday nights... Then I work a lot too... and I know this sounds like excuse making, but it really isn't. It's just so hard to get time alone together to talk about this... But I'm really gonna push to try and get some time soon. I really need to talk about this, and I know that I've got other options, but I really wanna tell my best friends (for obvious reasons).

Once again, thanks to all the supportive messages on here and sorry for once again failing to do anything(!). Hopefully I'll have something more positive next time. Be safe, everybody!

MusicJunkie86

Hi SadMan,
I'm a full time of AGS and I'm out in work. I must say that when I was stationed in Dublin first I was worried about the reactions of people on my unit, but with the exception of one person I have not had any negative reactions. I'm 3 years on the unit now and its a non issue really....

If there's anything I can do to help or if you just want to talk feel free to pm me...

Oh and just a little side note....I think it's important not to think of yourself as the gay guard but as a guard who happens to be gay... There's a big difference!

Hope things work out for you!

DubArk

OP Again wrote: »

Hey, guys. OP here again.

....... and maybe I'm being harsh on some of my male friends, but I think that girls would be more 'forgiving' and understanding than blokes!).

You don’t need to be forgiven! You have done nothing wrong.