Politics of the guest list :(

buzz55

Hi all,
Like a previous poster, we are in the planning stage of the planning! However, already we are running in to problems - mainly, we would like a fairly small wedding made up of mostly friends (3 of the 4 parents are no longer with us, the remaining is an invalid but would have to be there on the day).
Thing is, how do people explain to extended family (aunts & uncles in particular) that they won't be inviting them :P? Or even to people that we know (work colleagues in particular) who may have invited us to their wedding but who, to be honest, I have no desire to spend my wedding day with!

If we say we're having a very small wedding & can't invite people for that reason, then we may have to leave out some people that we actually would like.

It ain't half complicated, trying not to upset people! And though I have thought about it, I don't really want to just go off abroad & get married, just to solve the problem.

All you newly weds out there, how did ye figure it out? Or do you still feel after your wedding that some people who weren't invited got the hump?

Borderfox

From what we are planning we have already told extended family that its a small affair and they wont be invited. I have been to too many large weddings that the bride and groom barely have any time to themselves on the day to let that happen. In short you have to be a bit ruthless/selfish (you arent really:) ) and explain what you want

stinkle

I feel your pain! I heard a good tip (possibly on this board) when someone was stressed about parents and in laws taking over the guestlist - set a maximum number of people for each set of parents to invite, rather than assume a free-for-all. This should work perfectly well for my dysfunctional family! Not so sure about the OH's...

I'm sorry to hear that you'll be missing 3 of the 4 parents on the day. You could apply the "strict numbers" idea to various aspects of your life, e.g. work people 0 (:D), all immediate family and good friends (of course) and then set a max number on extended family members/family friends, so that would hopefully include the ones you want there and not the others. There's nothing wrong with having a small do, plus with all the recesson talk people don't expect big weddings anymore, and you'll find plenty are glad not to get the "summons"!

Beruthiel

buzz55 wrote: »

Thing is, how do people explain to extended family (aunts & uncles in particular) that they won't be inviting them :P?

I didn't bother.
Why should they just expect to be invited?
I'll be honest, I didn't even think of them, and I've loads of aunts and uncles.
Only my parents, my 3 sisters + partners & children were invited + a handful of friends.

Or even to people that we know (work colleagues in particular) who may have invited us to their wedding but who, to be honest, I have no desire to spend my wedding day with!

I have worked in the same place for 10 years so I know my colleagues very well. I was at one of their weddings.
I saw no reason to discuss my wedding with them and did not invite them.

Or do you still feel after your wedding that some people who weren't invited got the hump?

Well, I've not noticed. People get that you are having a small wedding and do not wish to spend a fortune.
You're over thinking it.
Just plan the wedding and invite who you want.
No need to say anything to the people you are not inviting.
Your wedding is not as important to them as you seem to think it is.

buzz55

Thanks for replies

I agree totally that a few people (particularly my elderly aunts & uncles) would really rather not get the 'summons' as you put it - but yet the annoying thing is that these are the very same people who will whinge if they are not invited :rolleyes:

But really, these are people I or my partner might see once a year (usually at funerals to be totally honest) & have nothing really to do with. There's probably 1 aunt & uncle on both sides that we'd actually like to have there with us on our special day, but that's about it. And then, if you ask some of them and not all of them........can open, worms everywhere.......

I guess its just not something I ever fully realised was as tricky as it is

campo

To be honest I am one of these ignorant people and maybe its because this is my 2nd time around but I have told people already that I am only inviting the people that I really want there.

So if a member of my family does not get an invite then they know I didnt really want them there in the 1st place and if they dont like it well tough.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but after my last wedding day where I spent 50e a head on people I did not even want there I promised myself I would never do that again.

Its your day invite who you want and the hell with the rest of them thats what I say

Mr. Presentable

I agree with Beruthiel.

Your wedding, your rules. There is no requirement for you to invite anyone or explain yourself to anyone.

You could plead poverty if you want to make an excuse, but I'd just ask those I want and say nothing to the others.

Shivers26

buzz55 wrote: »

I agree totally that a few people (particularly my elderly aunts & uncles) would really rather not get the 'summons' as you put it - but yet the annoying thing is that these are the very same people who will whinge if they are not invited :rolleyes:

Let them whinge! Its your day and your partners day and nobody else gets an opinion on what happens.

We are always relieved not to get invited to certain weddings so people may not be as put out as you think!

Just plan your numbers and stick to what you truly want.

stinkle

buzz55 wrote: »

Thanks for replies

I agree totally that a few people (particularly my elderly aunts & uncles) would really rather not get the 'summons' as you put it - but yet the annoying thing is that these are the very same people who will whinge if they are not invited :rolleyes: Let them whinge, seriously! If you invite them they'll only moan about the food/location/whatever. That's one big reason I'm going for the small wedding/restaurant option - the thoughts of doing menu tastings and making decisions based on "least moany" option makes me shudder

But really, these are people I or my partner might see once a year (usually at funerals to be totally honest) & have nothing really to do with. There's probably 1 aunt & uncle on both sides that we'd actually like to have there with us on our special day, but that's about it. And then, if you ask some of them and not all of them........can open, worms everywhere....... True, it can get awkward. Stand your ground though, and do invite those aunts and uncles that you like, if that's what you want to do. Most people would hate to be invited to something as "an obligation". Maybe deliberately pick a venue that has a numbers limit so you dont end up inviting more people if you get guiltripped?

I guess its just not something I ever fully realised was as tricky as it is

Maybe deliberately pick a venue that has a numbers limit so you dont end up inviting more people if you get guiltripped? You can blame that!

carolinespring

It is your day, your wedding. Do as you wish and not what anyone else wants.

Thats what we did. We had 78 adults and I think it was 8 or 9 kids.

both our Dad had died so we had our Mum's, my brother and his Partner. I invited one Uncle and his wife (I was sure they would not come as it was a black tie wedding, a few days before Christmas and my uncle was 80) but they came and I was delighted, also asked the cousin I had the most contact with.

My husband asked just one of his aunts (The one he was close to) Plus 3 cousins and their OH's.

The rest of the people where friends. I didnt ask anyone from work but james did ask 2 + Oh's that he was close to.

We didnt have a top table but a table in the centre of all the others and our very dearest friends sat with us. I had heard so many friends giving out over the years of sitting at the top table looking down on close friends having a ball and feeling very on show up on the top table with not fun.

Anyway, it worked for us and was a brilliant day and I would do it all over again in a heart beat.

Wishing you a wonderful wedding and a future filled with love and joy.

Caroline xxx

siobhan2005

We are the opposite actually. h2b has both parents but my mother is dead and dont speak to father.

Im from uk and although I moved over here at 10 yrs old, any friends from school or college have all gone, and motherhood has kept me friendless. H2b is much the same although he has maybe 3 friends.

Because of this we have noone to invite. We are living down the country where there are no nice restaurants we could use, and all the hotels we saw wouldnt give us a saturday or stuck us in a poky meeting room.

Id say 30 guests is what would be realistic for us. We found a gorgeous venue, tht would give us a saturday for a min 70 guests, so we took it as we were so stressed trying to find somewhere.

We now are stressing over getting the min 70 guests, will end up asking mostly his parents friends and people we dont speak to that much, basically anyone who is willing to go lol. We have about 80 on the list so far but I think maximum who will go is only about 60. We feel like eejits asking people who would be thinking why the hell are they asking us we havent spoke in 6 months! To add to that ive 2 uncles and aunts in uk and 3 cousins that i will be asking but im starting to doubt they will come over either.

Would love to meet new friends but not much around here to facilitate that.

Our choices were basically have the wedding we want in the place we want but have to invite people that we arent so close to, or have it in a venue we werent so mad about but cheaper and only close family.

Is mad the way such small things can cause such stress. Im trying my best not to get stressed and hope we made the right decision (and that we make more friends in the next 6 months)
Fingers Crossed!