I'm defeated.

ruboo

In this soap drama, that is my life... more has happened and is happening.
I feel like I am in a relationship with a 12 year old.

Long story short(ish!), my marriage of 10 years was over and had been for about 2 years. I ended up meeting up with a man that happens to be my first love and first boyfriend when I was 15. We are now 28. I left my husband finally to be with this man.

He has two children, I have one. It is truly a 'modern family'.

So, I've discovered in the past few months that this man is very lazy, self-righteous, jealous and insecure. On a good note, he is loving, caring, a good dad, funny and sweet. (I don't want you all thinking I'm on a 'out for blood' roll here)

Myself and my ex-husband are on good terms and always have been. We were always best friends and I hope we always will be. With that being said, I am letting my BF destroy this healthy relationship because he is threatened by it. I let that happen because I had to make a choice. Keep my ex happy, or keep him happy. I chose my BF because that's where I wanted to move forward to.

It is at the point that my ex VERY rarely will even come into the house, because I don't want to deal with all the questions and accusations that will come later.
On the other hand, HIS ex (for example) came in here yesterday and just sat there chilling like she owned the place, playing happy family with the kids in front of me. I have asked him repeatedly not to have her here as it makes me very, very uncomfortable, but he tells me no, because she will stop him from seeing the kids. He has to keep her happy. (on that note, I have been BEGGING him for MONTHS to go and get gaurdianship so that he wont have to deal with that, but for some reason he forgot / didn't have time / any other excuse)

We went to a Halloween party last night with the kids at his mams house. There we were, having fun and next thing, she walks in AGAIN. She told him he could see the child for a while, but then turned up and made herself comfortable. (This woman has caused a lot of trouble for me with her mouth). To make matters worse, HE left me with her. He ran out of the room and left me there, forcing me to talk to her. He then texts me and says "Why won't she leave?" I told him "Tell her to leave"

I was more pissed off because a week earlier, my ex wanted to come trick or treating with his daughter, and I had to tell him no because, and I quote "There is no way I am spending my Halloween with your ****ing ex-husband"

So, she leaves. Im pissed. We leave. He says "You wanna go and let off the paper lanterns?"

Now, here is where it gets tricky. Back in August, I miscarried. Badly at 8 weeks. I still can't really talk about it. Or think about it too much, but he was never that bothered by it. In fact he told me that he "never connected" with the baby, whereas I was completely bowled over by devastation.

I bought a paper lantern and I wrote a poem. I wanted us both, alone to go and let the lantern off and read the poem for the baby. It means a lot to me. I have been begging him since August to do this with me, FOR me and everytime he says he will and then never does.

So, at this mention of the paper lanterns, my blood started to boil. But, we had 4, so I thought ok, we will let off the 3 and then we will do the ceremony some other day. Stay calm.
We get to the park. One, two, three lanterns go up. On the fourth he turns to me and says "What do you want to name it?" I looked at him confused.
"You know what I am on about, what do you want to name it?"

I thought I was going to knock him out. Under no uncertain terms, I thought I was going to knock. him. out.
I told him that I wanted that lantern, that time to have meaning, purpose... and that this was not the time for that.

He shrugged and mentioned something about buying me a 'new one' and let the fourth one go. I felt my heart hit the floor.
Why? Because he was trying to kill two birds with one stone. He took something really special away from me. He really did.

We went home, and honestly, I couldn't really talk to him. He invited his friends over and stayed up drinking until 5am. I went to bed at 10.30pm, I just couldn't be around people. Or him.

This morning he was supposed to go to the mechanic with me at 11am and he literally would not get out of bed.
We haven't talked properly all day and he is avoiding me like the plague.

I don't really know why Im posting. Maybe I am secretly hoping that one of you will give me the answer I'm looking for... or the one I'm not.

Why is he treating me like this?
Do I expect too much from him?

For

Firetrap

You've posted about this relationship recently so regulars here will be familiar with your story. All I can do is ask why the hell are you still with this guy?? To justify why you left your husband? Because you've nowhere else to go? Because you can't bear the thoughts of being alone? Honestly, I can't see why on earth you want to stay with someone as unpleasant as this.

Do you have any close friends or family you can talk to? You really need to trash this whole issue out in person with someone I think.

fungun

So, I've discovered in the past few months that this man is very lazy, self-righteous, jealous and insecure. On a good note, he is loving, caring, a good dad, funny and sweet. (I don't want you all thinking I'm on a 'out for blood' roll here)

Myself and my ex-husband are on good terms and always have been. We were always best friends and I hope we always will be. With that being said, I am letting my BF destroy this healthy relationship because he is threatened by it. I let that happen because I had to make a choice. Keep my ex happy, or keep him happy. I chose my BF because that's where I wanted to move forward to.

From this, and your entire post actually, it is hard to understand why you are with this man. You seem to have a much more adult relationship with your ex husband. Being an adult and a parent is as much about being committed and thoughtful as it is about being "funny and sweet"

Why is he treating me like this?
Do I expect too much from him?

Because you let him away with it.
No. But to change, it requires you to face up to what you really want/need in an adult parental relationship

ruboo

Firetrap wrote: »

You've posted about this relationship recently so regulars here will be familiar with your story. All I can do is ask why the hell are you still with this guy?? To justify why you left your husband? Because you've nowhere else to go? Because you can't bear the thoughts of being alone? Honestly, I can't see why on earth you want to stay with someone as unpleasant as this.

Do you have any close friends or family you can talk to? You really need to trash this whole issue out in person with someone I think.

Why? I am with him because if I am true to myself, I would have to admit that I do genuinely love him. He is not the person I thought he was, but I can't help feeling 'attached' to him. Also, yes... you are right... I have nowhere to go and no money to go there with.

I'm just trying to deal with all this. There are kids to think about and that worries me too. I don't want to mess my daughter up entirely.

LegacyUser

It is good that you love him. It gives you a good chance of making things work. However, he has to love you back, and more than that he has to be willing to work out the problems in your relationship. It sounds like he is being unfair, and you need to think about the lesson you're teaching your daughter by staying with someone who treats you so poorly. She must have been missing her daddy on Halloween, my heart is breaking for her actually.

I'm sorry if that's harsh, but that's the hard truth of it. Being in love with someone doesn't mean we should allow ourselves to be made to feel that bad on a regular basis and have them not care a whit about it. Love is wonderful, but love yourself first. Show your daughter that truth by your example.

Miss Fluff

You have posted on a number of occasions now about ongoing issues within this relationship and I really think it's time to invoke the aid of a relationship counsellor because if you do love him like you claim then you're really going to have to go and see a professional to establish if it's even worth salvaging tbh.

Sounds like a total non-starter from what I've read about it in your posts on the matter. While I think RI is a great medium for people to ask advice, treating it like a blog for your daily/weekly arguments is a little bit counter-productive if you ask me.

ruboo

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You have posted on a number of occasions now about ongoing issues within this relationship and I really think it's time to invoke the aid of a relationship counsellor because if you do love him like you claim then you're really going to have to go and see a professional to establish if it's even worth salvaging tbh.

Sounds like a total non-starter from what I've read about it in your posts on the matter. While I think RI is a great medium for people to ask advice, treating it like a blog for your daily/weekly arguments is a little bit counter-productive if you ask me.

While I appreciate your honesty, I would like to say that I in no way trying to use this as some kind of blog. I am genuinely, and totally lost. I have no one to talk to. This I guess, was my way of trying to see if I could get opinions on what was happening in this relationship and try to figure out if it IS me, like he claims it is.

I meant no harm and I didn't mean to disrespect anyone. Thanks for all your help, everyone.

I am a friend

Op firstly I am sorry for your loss but given the state of this relationship please ensure that another baby is not brought into it.

It sounds like the pair of ye just are not compatible, you seem to operate differently and don't seem well matched.

You were told before that you need to move on so why not work towards doing that as you are flogging a dead horse here..

tbh

This is the first post of yours I've read so forgive me if it goes deeper than this but it sounds to me like, in the confusion of your marriage collapsing, you meet back up with someone who reminds you what it's like to be in an unequivocal relationship (as they all are at 15) and you mistake this "shelter from the storm" for "soul mate".

You're now with the first love, he turned out to be an asshole (with respect) but you feel as tho, you've made your bed, you may as well make the best of it, as if your decision to move in with him can only be justified if you stay with him long-term.

Is that about the size of it?

My succinct advice: this guy is never going to give you what you want or need. He's just not capable of it. If a person wastes their life trying to get a stone to float - who's at fault? the person, or the stone?

tbh

sorry - one more thing -

I was more pissed off because a week earlier, my ex wanted to come trick or treating with his daughter, and I had to tell him no because, and I quote "There is no way I am spending my Halloween with your ****ing ex-husband"

Like seriously - why on earth would you tolerate that? It's not fair on your ex, it's not fair on your child, and it's not fair on you?

Genuine question here, but why didn't you tell him to either deal with it or fcuk off? Are you that afraid of losing him?

Distorted

The trouble is, you've moved in together straight from other relationships and with kids, and you've kind of missed out on the bonding, fun times you have when younger with no committments, when you can go on days out, cinema, meals, etc with no planning in advance or worrying about babysitters etc..

I do think you're very harsh on him. Its not up to the man in your life to provide you with everything, including your own personal contentment. And he might be finding you equally difficult to live with. I doubt he meant any real harm over the paper lanterns thing (I have to admit you lost me there slightly too, the ins and outs of all those different paper lanterns, why there were so many and what they were supposed to mean just sounds so complex).

You mention you can't afford to leave. You only have one child of your own. Why on earth not? I know loads of women living alone with one child (or more) supporting themselves. And not all living in poverty either, many of them are very successful and have nice lifestyles. You are still young enough to take control over your future and stop blaming someone else in your life for not feeling happy. If this man isn't making you happy, and your ex didn't make you happy, doesn't it suggest to you the solution might be to become more independent, get away from both of them, work on being happy in yourself, and then you might just meet a man who matches you better in all respects?

analucija

He is completely unfair to you and your ex. It seems both of you will have to learn to deal with with each others ex partners and start tolerating them. Regarding those lanterns I can understand him. My last two pregnancies were miscarriages at around the same time as yours and while I would love to have another child I didn't feel any special emotional connection yet and was fairly unaffected. My reaction would be similar to his and I don't understand what was so wrong in his actions.

I don't think your partner is treating you right and I'm not sure if you have future together but I'm fairly sure that you need to deal with some personal issues. If nothing else get some miscarriage counseling and I think there is some help listed in the booklet you got.

Miss Fluff

ruboo wrote: »

While I appreciate your honesty, I would like to say that I in no way trying to use this as some kind of blog. I am genuinely, and totally lost. I have no one to talk to. This I guess, was my way of trying to see if I could get opinions on what was happening in this relationship and try to figure out if it IS me, like he claims it is.

I meant no harm and I didn't mean to disrespect anyone. Thanks for all your help, everyone.

Aw I know that, and there is no need to apologise. I probably should have phrased it better tbh.

What I mean is that this relationship you're in is obviously deeply flawed and that while the issues might apparently change from week to week the advice probably won't insofar as it will more likely that not be a unanimous "leave him" from people who have read about your ongoing issues.

I also agree with Distorted insofar as if you do decide to pluck up the courage to leave him you would do well to spend time by yourself and working on your own self-worth and independence to prevent you from careering from one disaster to the next.

You need to stop believing that any relationship is better than no relationship, you'll end up deeply happy and unfulfilled if you continue on that path

ruboo

Distorted wrote: »

The trouble is, you've moved in together straight from other relationships and with kids, and you've kind of missed out on the bonding, fun times you have when younger with no committments, when you can go on days out, cinema, meals, etc with no planning in advance or worrying about babysitters etc..

I do think you're very harsh on him. Its not up to the man in your life to provide you with everything, including your own personal contentment. And he might be finding you equally difficult to live with. I doubt he meant any real harm over the paper lanterns thing (I have to admit you lost me there slightly too, the ins and outs of all those different paper lanterns, why there were so many and what they were supposed to mean just sounds so complex).

You mention you can't afford to leave. You only have one child of your own. Why on earth not? I know loads of women living alone with one child (or more) supporting themselves. And not all living in poverty either, many of them are very successful and have nice lifestyles. You are still young enough to take control over your future and stop blaming someone else in your life for not feeling happy. If this man isn't making you happy, and your ex didn't make you happy, doesn't it suggest to you the solution might be to become more independent, get away from both of them, work on being happy in yourself, and then you might just meet a man who matches you better in all respects?

This post has really affected me. I'm seriously going to think about this. Thank you.

Oh, one thing. I of course, COULD afford to live on my own. The problem lies in the fact that I have no savings and live week to week. I could save, but it would take a few weeks. It is something I am thinking about. Thanks again.

ruboo

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Aw I know that, and there is no need to apologise. I probably should have phrased it better tbh.

What I mean is that this relationship you're in is obviously deeply flawed and that while the issues might apparently change from week to week the advice probably won't insofar as it will more likely that not be a unanimous "leave him" from people who have read about your ongoing issues.

I also agree with Distorted insofar as if you do decide to pluck up the courage to leave him you would do well to spend time by yourself and working on your own self-worth and independence to prevent you from careering from one disaster to the next.

You need to stop believing that any relationship is better than no relationship, you'll end up deeply happy and unfulfilled if you continue on that path

Yep... I have some serious self esteem issues. I will give you that.

I think I need some me time.

Time to start saving!

Firetrap

I can't help but think you want someone to offer you a sliver of hope here. To wave a magic wand, tell you it'll be grand and the problems will magically fix themselves. I'm sorry but unless this guy gets a personality transplant or is dropped on his head, it ain't gonna happen. The arguments you're having aren't over whose turn it is to put the laundry in the washing machine or about leaving the toilet seat up. The malaise in this relationship goes much deeper than that. He doesn't seem to give a toss about the baby you lost, he's trying to isolate you from your child's father and everything he does is on his terms. He avoids talking to you and I'm sure when you do speak, things are twisted so you're the bad guy.

I'd be curious to know how he behaves towards your daughter. Does he treat her well or is she just an accessory to be tolerated because she came with you? More crucially, do you think it's healthy to be bringing your daughter up in this environment? Kids aren't stupid and she'll have picked up that things aren't right.

hbert

First of all, sorry for your loss. Thats awful for you.

I just want to say don't feel you have to stay with this man just because you have left your husband for him. Your husband may not have been the right man for you but that doesn't mean this guy is either.

Everybody makes mistakes! It takes alot more to face and accept them than to pretend they aren't mistakes and hide from them.

Good luck..

estar

Are you punishing yourself for the first breakup by staying in this second one? You come across as someone who has relied on men for their identity and support. The greatest gift you could give yourself and your daughter is a positive and affirming environment free of politics and conflict. I think you jumped into this second one as an escape from the first. You need time to discover yourself if you ask me. It's ok to make a mistake. Think and plan before you act. start taking control and asking for your needs to be met. I think the romance of the whole first love thing carried you along and you didn't consider the day to day realities of the life afterwards. we learn from everything. maybe the things you really needed were not the things you reached out for. excitement and passion and stability and emotional security are a difficult combination to find.

Danniboo

I feel sorry for the three kids involved in this dysfunctional mess. You both should go your seperate ways and try putting them first.