Work and presentation phobia

Chicke

I've worked in the home now for four years looking after my littlies.
I have loved every minute mostly because I adore spending time with them but also me thinks I don't have to face what is for me the terror of my working life.
I work in a highly competitive environment where it really is a watch your back scenario and it is never usually the quality of the work you perform but you're ability to be tough and protect yourself from the mud that flies in all directions.there wasn't a single company that I worked in that had a supportive culture and most were downright dysfunctional
This might soon extreme but this is what is felt like.I have had very high paying responsible jobs but I have found them too demanding emotionally
I think I have been bullied in most of the jobs I have been in and left as a result of it.i made a half hearted complaint in the last company and was told i was too sensitive.it was a small family owned business with no hr department and a staff that had all been there fir over 20

years and weren't to happy to have a boss half their age when perhaps they might have liked a shot at the job themselves.a lotbof bitterness
But,I also had huge issues. For eg
My heart used to beat faster when I entered the office
My knees used to buckle under me
My hands used to shake when signing cheques
I found it very very difficult to speak at meetings but got slightly more comfortable when I knew the info
I found it a very insafe environment emotionally and was told on a number of occasions that people would try to 'break me' ot test me or catch em out if they could as I was the new kid on the block
I blame myself for being bullied because of inability to get aggressive as I used to get upset and also for my fear of public speaking
I don't have any of these issues outside of work except a definite phobia of public speaking. I have been asked to be member of the board of management of my sons school and I'm terrified of having to speak at meeting.
I am devastated about that as I really want contribute
I would also love to teach kids but the thought of standing in front of a group of kids worries me
Any thoughts or advice would be really really appreciated

nonstarter

Its sound like you have an anxiety didorder, What you experience are panic attacks, Ive been there and believe me, there is no worse feeling than the anticipation of a panic attack occuring. I used to even shake whilst sitting in a doctors waiting area, quing up at the post office. Now you have been working at home for 4 years where you are in your comfort zone its going to be hard to remove the comfort blanket. Im a very sceptical person when it comes to any form of therapy, but i would highly recommend looking into seeing a Cognitive behavioural therapist. google cbt
hope this helps x

Ickle Magoo

I'm not surprised you are anxious and dreading entering the workforce again - it sounds like a very unhealthy work environment to be in for self-esteem and confidence.

Would you consider a change of career? A change of pace? Perhaps something better suited to your temperament which is less cut throat? That way you might heal some of the fears and hurts caused by working in such an aggressive and anxiety ridden environment. While a phobia or severe anxiety around public speaking is very common - being bullied in work and feeling unsafe in any manner is going to exacerbate any fears you already have.

I'm on a couple of boards and I find being well prepared and looking around at the audience making eye contact and being friendly illicit the same response in reverse which helps me settle into presentations.

All the best.

Chicke

thanks for the respoonses
Ickle Magoo, thanks a million for that help. I think deep down the issue i have over presentations and often meetings made me feel inadequate and helped my low esteem. And as you say, the unsafe work environment made a bad situation worse.I have been to counselling and thats what Ive been advised on this , to move to a less cut throat career .
Thanks again
Im thinking of teaching as a career. I know it could be tough in terms of discipline but at least it would be worthwhile career that I could feel passionate about.