Another break up thread

LegacyUser

Hi

I have decided not to log in for this one for obvious reasons.



Last week my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Although we have been having problems lately, it was still a complete shock to me.

Our 5 years together have not been plain sailing, but this has been due to family tragedies and personal illnesses - which although has had an impact on our relationship, are much different to fidelity, trust issues etc..

10 months ago my boyfriend suffered a bereavement. His mother, and they were extremely close. Two months before that I had gotten a new job.

After my boyfriends mother's death, he decided he needed to get away. We took an extra long holiday to Europe for 10 weeks. Although a lot of the holiday was bad (He was very down, full of grief and guilt about going away so soon after his mother's death) a lot of it was good and although I had been the target of a lot of his hurt and anger I still wanted to be with him, but I asked him for a little of my own space after we came back.

When I got back to work, it emerged that a very heavy schedule had been left for me. I worked out that if I worked really hard for the whole of September and Oct that by the beginning of November I would be back to more or less normal, just slightly busier than last year.

I should point out that it's not just me who has an extra heavy workload in my job, all of us have with the cutbacks.

I have had very little time to myself the last two months, and as a result of that, have had even less for my boyfriend. We don't live together but we only live a 5 min drive from one another.

At the beginning of Sep I tried to get all my work done between Mon-Fri and we went away for the weekend twice, but the workload was creeping up so I had to stop that temporarily.

There were two fridays during all of this that I did go out with people from work. One was a 'Welcome new staff' night and the other was just a 'we have all this extra work completed now' night out, a sort of celebration that all the admin stuff he was to do was done.

My boyfriend was really angry that I had time for these new people and not for him. While I'm not saying that these nights out were 'work-related' or anything, I didn't feel that I was doing anything wrong. In anticipation of the first night out I had made sure I had no work at all to do and was planning on spending the whole saturday and sunday after the night out with him, but he didn't want to take my calls after that.

The second night out, which actually came after our break-up, I had known I would have a week off work and he is able to take time when he wants so we had arranged to go away for that week.

However, he is making out out that I don't want to spend time with him, and choose to spend time with my colleagues instead of him. When what I'm thinking is I want to do both.

It's hard for us to get any privacy together because we both live at home and neither parent wants the other to stay over.

Last Tuesday he broke up with me saying that although he will never find anyone like me, at least he may find someone who wants him more than I do (Although he initially said 'need' instead of want twice....) He is blaming my distance from him and my obsession with work and the people from there as the reason.

Yes, I've been distant but I've been taking a lot of emotional baggage from him and from my dad - my problem I know, I need to stop doing that - .

I am not obsessed with my job - I'm lucky to have one and want to keep it. I occasionally go out with the people from work as they are in the same boat as me work-wise and it's nice to socialise with these people outside of the job.

Sorry - up until now I suppose I've just been venting.

Basically, my problem is this - I feel I haven't managed my personal and work time very well over the past 2 months. I'm sorry for that and I needed to make more time for my boyfriend. But is it really worth breaking up over?? I feel like yes, I made a mistake, but I feel like I'm carrying the guilt of someone who has had an affair.

I feel like if I had slept with someone from work, or kissed them or whatever, then fine. But something so easily fixed as "Drop the pen once in a while love, you're getting carried away" or "Please, remember it's just a job and I don't want this to become a future problem for us" - Is what I've done more serious than I understand?

I know I shouldn't need to be told I've been neglecting him by the way.


This has taken me about an hour to write and my head is so messed up with thoughts that I'm sure this hasn't even come across how I wanted it to - if it even makes any sense - I'm just so confused.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply.

I do feel that he has a point in what he has been saying - I haven't made time to go up and see him, and ever since his mother died we have been less close - including sexually.

But I see that as both our problems, not just mine.

I feel like I haven't been there for him like I should be - he is right about that, but that I can change that now that I've been made aware of it. Like I said before, I know I shouldn't have to be made aware of it, but I explained to him how busy I was and he said he understood.


The problem is that when I say the above to him, he gets angry and says that how hard I work is not his problem, his problem is that I'm distant with him and don't make time for him. When I say in my defence that I have been busy with work, he just gets so mad and shouts that that is not his point.

He doesn't see that the only reason I don't see him so often is because of work and that has only been in the last two months

The other issue - the physical closeness - is a combination of things like a rise in arguments between us, not exactly leaving me in the mood to jump into bed with him, and the fact that we both live at home, neither can stay with the other and we can't afford nights at hotels (hence the reason we are at home)

I know, how could we afford a ten week holiday so - well, we couldn't really but we went thinking that it would be exactly what we needed. It was actually very low budget and that was another issue. It was his idea to go, to get away from everything, and the minute we got there he blamed me for taking him away from his father in his time of need, and pushing him to do things we can't afford.

I know it's a typical cliched thing to say, but I really feel that whatever decision I make - he always sees the worst, most selfish side to it.

Selfish is one thing I am not. I am honest with him and I am a good person, and I know for a fact he knows that too. This should be enough for me to snap myself out of this way that I'm feeling right now. Because, I know that maybe I should be making more of an effort to fit him in and regain that closeness between us, but so should he.

To be honest, I've actually spent the day looking around threads here, and it just makes this one seem so pathetic. There is really no 'issue' here when you think about it. Yet, here I am asking people for help and advice when there are couples and marriages here with real problems!

dizzymiss

While I do agree with Sunflower27 slightly, I think it's also important to remember, he's probably still grieving and grief is irrational and selfish. I met a friend of mine only today, who lost her mum two months ago and she told me she hates everyone, everyone and everything irritates her. Plus, when going through things like this in life, we always tend to take it out on those closet to us and the ones we love the most.

Call him, text him, write him a letter, call over to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him you'll give him the time he needs and tell him, you are there for him when he is ready and that you love him. All couples go through episodes like this in life, in some form or another. Some episodes tougher then others. And if ye are meant to weather it ye will.

I hope it all works out for you.

Best.

beks101

dizzymiss wrote: »

While I do agree with Sunflower27 slightly, I think it's also important to remember, he's probably still grieving and grief is irrational and selfish. I met a friend of mine only today, who lost her mum two months ago and she told me she hates everyone, everyone and everything irritates her. Plus, when going through things like this in life, we always tend to take it out on those closet to us and the ones we love the most.

Call him, text him, write him a letter, call over to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him you'll give him the time he needs and tell him, you are there for him when he is ready and that you love him. All couples go through episodes like this in life, in some form or another. Some episodes tougher then others. And if ye are meant to weather it ye will.

I hope it all works out for you.

Best.

+1 to all this.

Under normal circumstances, I'd tell you your boyfriend is being wholly irrational, selfish and unreasonable and to count your blessings that he broke up with you. But the guy lost his mother less than a year ago, one of the most traumatic and painful life events that most people will ever experience and I think that his head is just all over the place.

Obviously you're the best judge of that OP, having spent five years with him, but it sounds very much to me like acting out like this, guilting you, demanding and calling it quits over something seemingly trivial and fixable to you, is a by-product of the grief. His emotions will be heightened as a result of his loss and perhaps your failure to prioritise him over work nights out the few times you have, represents to him the possibility of losing someone else in his life. Maybe he dumped you because he feared you were going to do the same eventually.

I could be completely off the mark, but just a few things to think about. If you really love and care about him, arrange to meet up and have an honest conversation where you tell him so, face to face, and then let him off to deal with what he has to deal with. If you love him and don't want the relationship to end, don't let him slip away without at least telling him so. I think he's probably pretty vulnerable and sensitive right now and he may come back to you, maybe he just needs a bit of time.

Best of luck x

LegacyUser

becks101, dissymiss, sunflower27, a lot of what you have said is right on the money.

If it were a case that the whole 4.5 years were like this - I would feel like he was doing me a favour.

The hardest part of all of this is how confused I have realised I am myself over the last week.

I still want him to change his mind but over this last week I think I've realised that not only does he need some time, but I do too.

Right at this very moment I'm having real trouble brushing aside his recent behaviour as "down to the loss of his mother" I'm having real trouble separating the behaviour from the person as it were - when I consider the relationship as a whole I want him back, but right here and now, I'm really annoyed!

I'm so confused! And to make it worse, he text me today to ask me if I got a phone call from him by accident on Saturday night, which I didn't. I initially didn't reply to him so he called me twice. So then I text him to say no and he just text back saying "alright, grand"

Is he just making excuses to call/text?

I am a friend

A bereavement is absolutely no excuse for treating someone like cr@p so stop making excuses for him. In fact, the opposite should be the case - if you were good to him when his mam died he should cherish you more than ever.

He sounds very selfish and Molly coddled and you are making excuses for him. Do take time to think about this as he sounds like a spoiled best who is too immature to be in a relationship.

LegacyUser

I am a friend, the funny thing is that everything you say about him is also true. I have felt this about him too.

I lost mum, not to death but in another way, and I don't get on that well with my dad but I know that when he goes I will be devastated and I also know that I will be wracked with guilt over the fact that we don't get on. I also don't see myself having the time my boyfriend did to say his goodbyes (his mum suffered a long illness before passing) so I can imagine myself being a lot less at ease with my dads passing when it happens if that makes any sense.

But I also know that I would never dream of treating him the way he has treated me.

I feel that all his decisions in his life have been backed up by his mother, good or bad and any time he got himself into a bit of trouble, she always bailed him out. I could say no bad about her when she was here and I certainly can't say it now, but I always worried that she was setting me up for a challenging role.

He called me again for a favour there an hour ago and when I asked him why he was calling me for this he said "Well I thought you could be friendly and helpful, but never mind I'll go to XYZ to get my problem solved instead" Is he for real?

We ended up having an hour long conversation on the phone - initiated by me. I asked him was he calling as a way to get in touch or has he really made up his mind on our relationship. He says he is sure its over and then got annoyed saying he knew I'd want to rehash all this stuff with him when he called.

Well, of course I would, is he serious? He admitted he hates my new job, he hates the people in it (he has never met them) and he hates the person I have become since I started working there. I have changed he says.

What has changed about me since I've worked there is that I've been busier, I go out more with new friends I've made from work (this has been twice so far since september and will be a total of 3 times by Christmas and either twice or 3 times between last september and june)

While we were on the phone, his dad called into his room and asked, would Unregistered101 like to come out with us for a meal tonight? He just said "No, she's busy"

My OH (can't even bring myself to write ex) doesn't know this, but I've spoken to his father about all of this. His father is on my side and thinks I should back off and give him the space to make his decision. His dad said I should hope (as he does) that his son sees sense but that if he doesn't there is nothing I can do.

I am emotionally drained right now, can't cry anymore, I have no energy to do anything and the funny thing is I am here telling complete strangers about this and I haven't even told my family yet.

I am in denial. Complete denial.

I am a friend

Why would you want him back?????

He sounds like a master manipulator - calling for a favour and then bending your brain when you ask why...

Does he do drugs by the way?

LegacyUser

No he doesn't do drugs.


Based on all of his recent activity I don't want him back.

The kicker is that he's not normally like this. I'm not excusing his behaviour, or at least I don't think I am, but the fact of the matter is that before he became like this, he was great, things were great and we had the best time ever. I'm not saying we never fought, we probably have had more problems than most from the beginning (third party/family stuff) but we were always so proud of how we managed to stand by each other through them and we really saw each other as 'the one' because of our ability to work through our problems.

I am a friend

He is not the same person for whatever reason...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

And thanks for the last message Sunflower27

you should all know that this thread is really helping me out. I must have read it about 40 times, because the funny thing is, ironically, he's angry at me moving on with new friends from work and having less time for him, but I actually have nobody.

I do have people I could talk to, but nobody I've picked the phone up to in the last 4 months or so, due to us being away for 10 weeks and then me being so busy when I came home.

Of the people I can talk to, one of them, well, we've not much in common. her first reaction will be for a night out on the town, to get myself a randomer, which I'm not interested in as I haven't given up on this relationship yet (I've a feeling I'll look back on this as being so desperate in time to come)

My other friend has become more of an acquaintance over the years, she has moved to another part of the county, has her children, her fiance and her home, she has her own worries in life and to be fair, some of them are more serious than what I am going through.

I know I'm not the centre of the universe but I really do think that people just don't care. They're sad for you that you're going through a break up, but their life is going on and they just don't have the time to be a shoulder to cry on 24-7 - and rightly so too.

I've never been one to worry about the future and finding a man, and I've been quite critical of those who have been like that. I realise now that for me it was very easy to be that way when I had already found one. I'm in my late 20s and socially not that outgoing. I don't really know where I would even find someone new, not that I'm thinking about that right now either.

I want to be with my ex, and if I can't have that I'd rather be on my own. I hate the thought of spending too much time with myself though - although don't they say that if you can't be happy with yourself, who can you be happy with.

analucija

I'll be probably a bit cruel and I don't know your circumstances well enough but you are in your late twenties, you were together 5 years and you still live at home, so you don't have to many opportunities to be intimate. It doesn't seem to me that your relationship was progressing at all. Up to your last post I thought you were together since high school and just started working. I'm not saying that he is not unreasonable and that his mothers death didn't worsen the situation but I get the feeling that your professional circumstances were changing and your relationship stayed somewhere on high school sweetharts level. I don't think you found somebody "for life" and I'd say you need to forget him and start living. He was a comfortable option that stayed the same, now you need something exciting and sometimes scary because it keeps evolving and progressing.

LegacyUser

Hi again

Went to see my counsellor today. It was great to talk things through with a real human being who knows the ins and outs of everything.


This thread is great but I suppose I needed to get the opinion of someone who knows everything - I was a bit worried that I was putting my own side across here too much.

She believes that I have two choices and they are to try to patch things up with my ex, possibly get things back and nothing will change

or let him go, give him some space to think and then in a week or so get in touch and tell him that although I love him, his behaviour is ruining our chance of happiness and that I will be here for him IF he chooses to deal with his behaviour/grief/anger.

For myself and my future I have to go with option 2. Option 1 is the easy one as I know if I begged and pleaded enough I could change his mind. but that is the only thing that would change.

My mam left my dad over issues that he now admits he saw earlier on and did nothing about. I resent my mother for taking away my dads chance to be happy and fulfilled in love and I always swore I wouldn't let the same happen to me.

God this is hard, because although the ball is usually in the court of the one who breaks up I feel like I'm the one making the decisions here - I've been forced into a situation that I didn't want, but maybe what I'm yet to realise is that this is the life jacket I needed.