babies and big babies

LegacyUser

I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 29 and we've been together 3 years. I was never the broody one - he was always saying how he wanted kids, like in a jokey way, what he'd call them and how he'd raise them etc. But it was all very airy-fairy, mostly because he's between jobs at the moment and living at home so he wouldn't exactly be financially secure enough to father my children right now. He's always saying how he sees this great future for us etc etc. But then I said to him well to be honest, I'm 31 and if he wants these kids at some point he'd want to get moving and get a job because how else would we raise them...? More as a joke really, as I wouldn't be in rush to get pregnant or anything ( I work full time) but just because sometimes I think he lives in cloud cukoo land. So he says oh yea he definitely wants children but not until he's 37 or 38...so, um, do the maths there!!! He's saying he wants children when I'm 40/41!!! I felt hurt by this, as he 's basically saying he'll find someone younger at some point no?
It might sound silly but I'm panicking...we've had other problems in the past and we've dealt with them but I'm feeling totally put out by this. How can he be so insensitive?
What do ye think?

I am a friend

He is dreaming but you are taking his dreams fact / reality. Sounds like he is nowhere near having kids.

You need to explain the details is a womans biological cloak and if he still doesn't see that 40/41 is late for a couple to be starting to have kids then you need to decide what you want from life and if he can supply it.

Toots

+1 to the above, it sounds to me like he doesn't actually realise how a woman's body works in a way. Now I've got a couple of friends who have had kids (their 3rd or 4th) in their 40s but they've all said that it took a whole lot longer to conceive than it did when they were having their earlier children. Does he realise that it becomes much harder to get pregnant at that stage? I'd be sitting him down and explaining this to him and don't let him fob you off with 'ah sure we'll be grand'.

Neyite

Some blokes dont really get the maths. I had a similar issue 3 years ago at age 33. Himself couldnt see being a dad until his late thirties or early forties at least, so one night over a bottle of wine I asked him how many kids would he like, he replied that he wasnt really sure, but anything up to 3 or 4. So I laid out the maths for him.

At age 33, it could take me up to a year to conceive, therefore age 34 having first pregnancy, 35 when born. Take a year with one baby before having another, so number 2 comes along at age 36, age 37.5 for the next etc. and that women really should not chance it after 40.

Grand, says he, plenty of time so. :rolleyes:
Then I pointed out that one in 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage, and that due to being mid 30s, conception could take up to about a year per child, so really he was looking at about 2 kids. (yes, yes, my maths were very loose estimates- but I did want him to stop thinking women could fart them out on command )

Off he went and had a think. About a week later he came back to me and said "lets do it". I had forgotten all about the conversation so hadnt a clue and asked him "what we were going to do" and he said "lets start a family".

It took us over 2 years to concieve. I am now 36 and will be 37 when this baby is born, as we spent over a year trying and a year with a clinic and me on drugs to improve our chances. We had twins, but I lost one a few weeks ago. We may get to have another child, hopefully 2 more if we are blessed, but the clock is starting to sound like the clock from countdown now.

Now it may not work for you, but a lighthearted chat with a bit of humour thrown in worked for me.

LittleBook

unregistered wrote: »

he 's basically saying he'll find someone younger at some point no?

No! You said yourself, he lives in "cloud cuckoo land" ... he clearly hasn't thought this through.

DON'T panic. DO talk to him and explain your concerns!

Sleepy

Neyite wrote: »

We had twins, but I lost one a few weeks ago.

I'm sure the mods can overlook an O/T for me to say I'm sorry to hear of your loss Neyite.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for all the replies, it really helps. I talked to him about it last night, about timing/biology etc...he knew already. He basically said he's planning on going back to college as a mature student (as he hasn't been able to find work) and that he sees the foreseeable future as being taken up with this. He also said he doesn't want to lose me.
I just feel still a bit panicked...even though its probably irrational. I mean if he's studying next year for the next 4 years...? Until this conversation erupted I wasn't even thinking of babies right now, but maybe in the next couple of years. I have a job but its not steady, I could never keep both of us.
I feel angry with him, but at the same time he hasn't even done anything wrong. I wish women had more time (and money!)... My parents were very poor and I don't want to have to have that stress for my children. Part of me thinks I worry too much and the other part to act rationally, like the reply from "I am a friend" said - I have to think about what I want. Its a lot to think about!

I am a friend

Well at least he told you... He has his future mapped out for the next 5 years or so which brings you up up 36/37 and still no firm committment from him to have kids. Is he worth that? It all seems very one sided... Had he even told you about going back to college for 4 years. U

LegacyUser

To 'I am a friend': yea I suppose he had mentioned it as a possibility over the last few months. Its weird because I wasn't even sure if I wanted children and then with all this talk it suddenly seems like time is ticking...I swear time goes so fast I thought I was a young-one! I'm basically having to re-assess everything - like, well, if this is his plan then what's mine? I don't necessarily want children now but I don't want to not be able to have them too...it sounds like I'm being quite spoiled when I see it written down...I guess you can't have everything. He keeps saying "what do you want from me?" and I can't even answer. I suppose I want him to have a plan, for us, but that's impossible. Men never really have plans they just go along with whatever's easy (sorry for the generalisation here guys but that's been my experience).
Thanks again for the replies. Much appreciated.

I am a friend

You don't sound at all spoiled. it's so important to figure out and know what you want from life so you know what is a dealbreaker for you in a relationship.

If you are having this strong of a reaction to the issue then the chances are you won't be happy unless you have kids. This may be an option with him but it's a long time to wait to find out.

What I don't like about it all is that it's all what he wants.

LegacyUser

As a man, I disagree that men don't have plans. He just told you he wanted to go to college, is that not a plan? I think you need to have your plan for kids set out and then see if he wants the same thing.

I'm afraid this recession is forcing alot more issues on couples, but my parents had the same issues when they had me and my 3 other siblings. My father was reguarly on the dole and in poor paying jobs during the 70s and 80s, but he still managed to have 4 kids. We all went to college.

It might help if you can rely on grandparents to babysit while you are both working/studying, if that's not an option then one of you could be the stay at home parent or pay for childcare. You really need to work it out in detail, do a financial plan. I have a girlfriend at present and have not told her I have the finances worked out if she decided to be a stay at home mum, could we live off my wage. I don't want to frighten the girl as it's still early stages. Not all blokes wander around aimlessly... if one of you sets out a plan it's at least a start and you can negotiate from there...