Is it me?

LegacyUser

I have been on the dating scene since June, it has been a while but something I have taken notice of is the way men behave towards me. They seem very keen at the beginning, then shy away totally.
I had a fwb situation and the guy was all over me then went cold. There are probably a number of explanations for this.
Then there are the dating sites. I have guys messaging me, met up with a couple we seemed to hit it off then they go cold. There are guys then messaging and they seem keen to move on from the site. We exchange numbers, get to know one another a bit better, then nothing.
I usually like to meet up quick from the site instead of vetting for ages but it never seems to progress....and not on my behalf!
I am getting disheartened by it, it happens so often now that I am less and less getting my hopes up about anyone and becoming cynical and afraid it will make me bitter.

I do realise that I am the common factor here and perhaps it is me that puts them off. What I don't understand is that they don't even stay around long enough for us to have sex or anything so it is not a case of them being after just that.
I don't like to be down on myself but it is happening so much it makes me wonder if it is my approach. I can't even do anything about it as I am just being myself and relaxed, casual not into games and honest about what I want. I also have enough pictures of myself so they can't be misled about what to expect.
Is it all just one big game that you have to pull back on, be 'less' available and seem less keen? I don't think I want to play along if so.

C.D.

Hi OP, I know how you feel. I played games in my teens and have no time for that now. I think you are right to be yourself- what is the point of getting into a relationship with somebody who doesn't like/know "you"?

I would recommend you come join the online dating thread in The Gentleman's Club on boards. Here we discuss our failures and the odd success! You'll see that what you describe is happening to everyone too and not just you. We also review each other's profiles and such to encourage each other and provide feedback.

Best of luck.

Emme

pearpair wrote: »

Is it all just one big game that you have to pull back on, be 'less' available and seem less keen? I don't think I want to play along if so.

That doesn't work, they just shout "NEXT!" if you do that.

I think it's the way guys are. There's a minority who are very shy and afraid to approach girls, some of them post here. Unfortunately the majority don't treat girls very well and this behaviour is par for the course.

My advice is enjoy the moment and don't get your hopes up because if you do you'll get hurt.

Ickle Magoo

Emme, please do not flame and making sweeping generalisations based purely on someone's gender.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

ash23

Take it all with a pinch of salt imo.
I've been single and dating for over 3 years and it's such a mixed bag. Some time wasters, some over eager ones, some just fizzled out........

Don't put too much hope into it at the start. I think I was a bit like that at the start. I had to get out of the frame of mind of long term relationship. I expected too much from people I'd just met.
It's not about being cynical, maybe just a little bit more realistic.

Dating online is a numbers game. The more you meet, the more likely you'll meet someone special. Treat a date as a one off. Not as the beginning of something bigger. Because then if it goes to a 2nd date, you're one up. If not, no disappointment.

Emme

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Emme, please do not flame and making sweeping generalisations based purely on someone's gender.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.

I've been away from boards for a while and since I came back I notice that least one person gets ticked off in almost every thread in PI and RI these days. If the posting parameters are so strict how are we supposed to advise people? Is this a forum or just a platform for mods to flex their muscles?

Sleepy

Well OP, it's you.

And it's them.

If they guys you're meeting don't seem interested you're obviously just meeting the wrong people. Like you know yourself, there's no point in playing games. Just be yourself and keep meeting people, the ones that like you as you are (assuming you're not stark raving mental :op) and that you like too, of course, are obviously the ones to actually pursue a relationship with.

I know people that I'd variously consider ugly, strange, horrible, obnoxious, too shy, too loud, completely false, self-help addicts, obese, clingy, stupid etc that are in happy relationships so there are clearly people out there of all persuasions. It's just a matter of finding someone you like that likes you back. For some people, this appears to come easy. It's hardly surprising, we can all think of the friend that's the "centre" of a particular social circle, or the family member all the others would pick as their favourite. Some people are just more "likeable" than others. It doesn't mean the rest of us have to end up as hermits though

Have some patience and keep putting yourself in positions to meet people. Try not to get too disheartened when guys you might like to pursue things further with don't feel the same way: after all, what kind of relationship would you be in with them if they clearly aren't as interested as you? What kind of insecurities would that feed for the duration of a relationship that would be doomed from the start?

LegacyUser

I'm going to get flak about this, i guess, but i'd urge you as strongly as i can to move away from online dating. I really can't recommend this strongly enough.

People are going to say "yeah but i met my other half on blah blah", and people are saying that you're just meeting the wrong people, that it's a numbers game and you have to meet more people than you'd think to find someone special...no, i'm pretty sure that this is wrong i'm afraid.

I've used a certain dating site off and on over the years (in two or three bursts), in total i've probably used it for about a year+, and i can tell you first hand that, as a guy, it fosters an extremely unhealthy attitude to relationships. And people are going to say "you can't make a generalization like that, i met my other half on blah blah", there are always exceptions, but...

I've met a handful of girls, but i've talked to...i don't know, probably hundreds of girls at this stage in depth through the site, and probably more than a thousand casually. So over my time, i was basically 'friends' with hundreds of girls, girls with whom we mutually knew that we probably wouldn't meet, but we had fun talking. And consequently, i've heard thousands of date stories from girls (the day after they happened etc), and i can tell you that your experiences are extremely common. By my own reckoning and pseudo-random-but-not-really sampling, i could break it down into figures something like this:

50% - boring one off dates where one or both of the people were unimpressed
20% - a few meetings/dates that ran over the space of about a week where the guy stopped talking instantly after they had sex
10% - one off meeting where the guy stopped talking instantly after sex
10% - dates that weren't just boring, they were bad experiences
5% - very bad experiences
5% - relationships that lasted more than 2 weeks

I know of probably 10 people, out of many hundreds, who had relationships that lasted more than a few months, and i know of no people who had long term relationships that lasted more than a few years. I know that they exist but i never talked to any, which is probably a good sign, but i just can't stress enough at how many experiences i heard of that were, at the very least, lackluster. Bearing in mind that all of the stories i heard about were from the girl's perspective (apart from my own handfuls of experience, which were basically in line with my figures too; i've talked to maybe 2 people who i actually like/liked (as in, like like)). Most girls that i was 'friends' with eventually quit using the site, and invariably it was because they met someone in real life or because of too many bad experiences. Most girls that got into relationships through it were back on the site within weeks/months.

I know that this is hardly scientific, but it's not an unfounded generalisation either.

I don't know *why* it's the way it is except to say that the guys in almost every situation i heard about were back on the dating site pronto. So either there's some psychological reason for continuing its usage (addiction for example, and i can attest to its addictive powers), or dating sites actively encourage continuous usage in some manner (and they do, and it only makes sense).

The reason i'm urging you so strongly about this, is because you started off your post talking about someone who you didn't meet online (i presume), which went sour, and then started talking about online dating and how its making you lose hope and get disheartened. This is a dangerous feedback cycle to have gotten yourself into, because your success or unsuccess on online dating has absolutely nothing to do with your quality as a person/date (i can't think of a better way to phrase that).

Again, and i know i'll get lots of disagreement, i can't urge you strongly enough to quit. If you do quit, and only meet people in real life, through friends or hobbies or sports or clubs or pubs or however, i absolutely guarantee that you'll have a far higher percentage of positive experiences, which in turn will quash these disheartened feelings you're starting to have.

Is it all just one big game that you have to pull back on, be 'less' available and seem less keen? I don't think I want to play along if so.

And yeah, this is frankly the case (Emme was sort of right to an extent). Except you're phrasing it wrong and mangling the correct sentiment making it sound like a bad thing....it's not a 'game' where you pull back so as to appear unkeen, even if you are keen, it's a situation where if you don't have an element of 'selectivity' and 'standards' to your interactions then you're more likely to be taken advantage of. As a result, FWB situations are far more likely to go cold than to warm up (i don't know why you were surprised by this). And similarly, meeting guys quickly off of an online dating site is almost guaranteed to be a failure. If you insist on using online dating sites, see if they can commit to talking for a few weeks before meeting them.

I'm going to have to cut this short, it's getting too long...but to sum it up, if you had crappy experiences with online dating, it's *not* because of you as a person, and also, quit it if you can.

Miss Fluff

100% with Sleepy on this one, it's partly to do with you and partly to do with the people you meet. You just haven't met the right guy for you yet but don't get disheartened, it will happen and you have to stay hopeful

I do think there is an element of helping yourself however so I'd maybe confide in a good friend and ask them to have a look at your profile, examine the photos you have there to see if they do you justice/are an accurate representation of you and also if there is anything that you could possibly be doing that may be putting people off. For example, you say you like to meet quite soon after striking up a conversation so are you perhaps pushing this issue and suggesting a meet-up after a couple of emails have been exchanged? I'm only using that as an example but there could potentially be something that you are doing that may be putting people off.

To be honest, the biggest likelihood is that you just haven't met him yet. You can go on as many dates as you like with as many men but it only takes one date and your life could change!

So I'd say don't rely solely on internet dating sites as I do think they tend to attract some numpties but then there are numpties in RL too and it's a case of broadening your social circles and increasing the amount of opportunities open to you.

Keep the faith, it will happen when you least expect it hon x

Taltos

Emme - please review our charter before posting here again - Ickle gave the link above.

Let me summarise though:
No flaming
No trolling

And to quote:
Trollers will be warned and banned (without warning if necessary). Check the recycle bin for the waffle that we remove.
Any problems with the moderators then feel free to PM us, if you are still unhappy then start a thread in the Dispute Resolution Forum

Taltos

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies, I will try to get back to them again, just a quick note to say that I am confused mostly as the guys seem really keen and interested, it's not like I am chasing after them and it is a one sided thing.
I think maybe it is something like when they know they have me interested, they move on to someone else, perhaps it is an ego trip. Quite a cruel and timewasteful way to operate if that is the case. I wish I was able to spot them easier, earlier on. Perhaps it is their over-eagerness at the start that should warn me off in future?
I don't think I am too quick to suggest a meetup as they seem all for it but I think maybe I will back off in future and wait for them to make the move. I just don't like the messaging back and forth to drag on and on.

LegacyUser

pearpair wrote: »

I think maybe it is something like when they know they have me interested, they move on to someone else, perhaps it is an ego trip. Quite a cruel and timewasteful way to operate if that is the case. I wish I was able to spot them easier, earlier on. Perhaps it is their over-eagerness at the start that should warn me off in future?
I don't think I am too quick to suggest a meetup as they seem all for it but I think maybe I will back off in future and wait for them to make the move. I just don't like the messaging back and forth to drag on and on.

I don't know if you already read it, but read my other post again. You're describing the exact things that i'm talking about.

There're so many different dynamics at play on a dating site, but one of the major ones is, as you say, ego driven, and in my experience that's the main thing to bear in mind as you're doing it - don't take anything personally, because everyone is out for themselves.

If you don't like messaging back and forward then online dating is not for you, unless you specifically just want sex, *only*. I was too soft about it earlier because of the mod warnings about generalisations, but that's just the way it is. You might get lucky and spark up a relationship, but i've practically never heard of it happening. And i know how promising it feels, it seems like a relationship-panacea at first, but it's just the way it is.

Let me put it another way. People, for some reason, think that online dating is kind of a soft option, for people that don't like pubs and clubs or are too shy or whatever. Well, if you think it's hard meeting good people through clubs, imagine a club where people have none of the usual social obligations/requirements/pressures, e.g. kindness, good manners, politeness, etc - and i don't mean these in a like, holding-doors-open-for-you way, i mean that there's absolutely zero social pressure/obligation (which is normally a very strong influence to your behavior) to talk to a girl after you have sex, for example, or if (as is *constantly* the case, it's unavoidable...) you start talking to someone else.

So when you say "I think maybe it is something like when they know they have me interested, they move on to someone else", that's pretty much exactly the case. Except you're assuming that the problem must be you and aren't factoring in that, lets say i met you and had a good time, when i get home i'll have messages from 10 new girls, and 30 messages from girls i'd already been talking to. Even if i had a *great* time with you, the lack of social pressure to keep talking, and the excitement and addiction of the whole thing....it almost encourages ye to cut correspondence and move onto someone new. I don't know why exactly, i can't explain it fully, but it is just the way it is.

It sounds like you actually want to meet someone genuine, so i'd really recommend that you reevaluate the online stuff. Except for something like Boards Beers or whatever it's called, or group meetings similar to that, they'd be far more promising.

annascott

Is your personal/oral hygiene ok? Maybe ask a friend who you can trust. Do you eat garlic or take garlic capsules? These things can be overwhelmingly off putting and you could be oblivious to the problem.

WhatWillBee

pearpair wrote: »

it's not like I am chasing after them and it is a one sided thing.

This might be the problem. Guys like to know you are interested too. If they chase you and after a while they get nothing back, maybe they're getting tired of that and go cold.