Please help, can't live without him.

LegacyUser

I recently moved out of my house which I was sharing with my boyfriend and my friends because he and I were having problems. They were mostly my fault. But I am not healing, I am not moving on, in fact every day it gets infinitely worse. I cannot deal with it at all. I can't live without him. I so deeply regret all the things I did and I know I could make it better if I could just talk to him. If he gave me another chance I would work my ass off to make the relationship amazing because I've never wanted anything so badly in my life.

We were meant to be together forever, he's all I can think about. I'm completely losing my mind. I cannot bear this pain. I have suffered from depression before and I've been through painful things like deaths. Well I thought they hurt, and I thought I was depressed then, but they were nothing. I cry constantly.

He won't speak to me at all. I've tried phoning and texting and emailing, he won't answer. This isn't like him at all, I have upset him before to a much lesser extent and he answered the phone after a few hours. He's not the ignoring type. I'm sure he loved me as much as I loved him so I don't know how he can stand to do that. I've tried getting my friend who we lived with to talk to him but it didn't do any good. He won't budge.

I left a week and three days ago. I wish I hadn't left, I think we could have worked it out if I hadn't. I swear to God, I would do absolutely anything in the world to get him to talk to me. I told him I took full responsibility for my actions, and I promised to make up for every single thing I did wrong. The pain is unbearable. I just want him back, I'm desperate to wake up from this nightmare. I just can't believe it's real. I can't process it, can't cope with it at all. I just want to go home and be with him again. I miss him so much, and I miss my life and my home and my housemates. Everything. I can't do this. I need to get him to talk to me quickly because I can't stand this much longer. He was my whole future. Everyone said we were the perfect couple. Everyone loved us. Our friends told us we made them believe in love! I just can't believe it's ended.

Please please tell me there's hope. Please, please suggest something I can do. We have to come back from this, he and I have to get through this. I thought we could get through anything. I know we could get through this if he just gave me a chance. He's my soul mate, we are meant to be together! There is no alternative but to find a way to get him back. I love him so much. There is no future without him. I'm desperate.

LegacyUser

As well as the emotional pain there are the physical side effects to deal with. I constantly feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. I very often feel like I can't breathe, my heart races and I get palpitations, the painful weight in the pit of my stomach, the tension headaches. It all feels really urgent, and I'm constantly in a state of panic. There's so much adrenaline pumping through my veins that I can't sleep and I constantly am fighting the urge to leap up and run for my life but obviously I can't run away from this pain because it's inside me. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I've lost a stone in a week and three days. I just cannot live without him. I have already ceased to live. I'm running on empty.

IrishEyes19

NotCoping wrote: »

I recently moved out of my house which I was sharing with my boyfriend and my friends because he and I were having problems. They were mostly my fault. But I am not healing, I am not moving on, in fact every day it gets infinitely worse. I cannot deal with it at all. I can't live without him. I so deeply regret all the things I did and I know I could make it better if I could just talk to him. If he gave me another chance I would work my ass off to make the relationship amazing because I've never wanted anything so badly in my life.

We were meant to be together forever, he's all I can think about. I'm completely losing my mind. I cannot bear this pain. I have suffered from depression before and I've been through painful things like deaths. Well I thought they hurt, and I thought I was depressed then, but they were nothing. I cry constantly.

He won't speak to me at all. I've tried phoning and texting and emailing, he won't answer. This isn't like him at all, I have upset him before to a much lesser extent and he answered the phone after a few hours. He's not the ignoring type. I'm sure he loved me as much as I loved him so I don't know how he can stand to do that. I've tried getting my friend who we lived with to talk to him but it didn't do any good. He won't budge.

I left a week and three days ago. I wish I hadn't left, I think we could have worked it out if I hadn't. I swear to God, I would do absolutely anything in the world to get him to talk to me. I told him I took full responsibility for my actions, and I promised to make up for every single thing I did wrong. The pain is unbearable. I just want him back, I'm desperate to wake up from this nightmare. I just can't believe it's real. I can't process it, can't cope with it at all. I just want to go home and be with him again. I miss him so much, and I miss my life and my home and my housemates. Everything. I can't do this. I need to get him to talk to me quickly because I can't stand this much longer. He was my whole future. Everyone said we were the perfect couple. Everyone loved us. Our friends told us we made them believe in love! I just can't believe it's ended.

Please please tell me there's hope. Please, please suggest something I can do. We have to come back from this, he and I have to get through this. I thought we could get through anything. I know we could get through this if he just gave me a chance. He's my soul mate, we are meant to be together! There is no alternative but to find a way to get him back. I love him so much. There is no future without him. I'm desperate.

OP, I think you need to talk to someone professional about this. I know you are hurting terribly right now. But it isnt normal to make a person your whole life. Even the most successful relationships have to some level of independence in them. Im sorry to say I think you have pictured a rose coloured image of your relationship. you cant make someone want you back or love you again and even if you did, it would most likely only work for a short time.

He doesnt want to resume the relationship, OP, and pestering him with emails, calls will only drive him away further. In your ideal case, you believe you are meant to be together for ever, but as much as this might hurt, thats way too obsessive. He clearly doesnt feel the same way.

Instead of trying to get this guy back, try and get yourself back together and feel happy again. I really suggest talking to a close family member and getting professional help who know more about these things. If you arent careful, you will lose more than just a relationship if you carry on this way. Take care of yourself first. best of luck

LegacyUser

I would have to agree with IrishEye19, I had a run in with an ex of mine who saw us as a Ross & Rachel (friends) situation. I won't get in to it but she then stalked me for over a year. Boy did that make me happy that I was out of that relationship! You are overbearing at the moment, I don't know what you did to mess up the relationship (cheat? too possessive? dunno...) but right now you need time apart, you are going a bit psyco here. Sorry to say. It's only a week, maybe he's had enough of all the crap? Maybe he wants some time to clear the head, you should too... Maybe it's over and he doesn't want to be with you, and you should prepare yourself for the worst case senario. The ball is in his court for now and there is nothing you can do to make him come back...

qwertytlk

Hi
firstly just have to say im so sorry your feeling so low at the moment...
I have to say i agree with alot of what the previous post said, and i think you should talk to someone about this, a counsellor.

In terms of getting him back, or fixing the reationship.... Well firstly i would stop pestering your ex. I know you feel desperate and utterly helpless but he has made it clear he doesnt want to talk to you. I doubt this will last forevcver. It rarely does in any case like this. I would say he is probably just angry and maybe hurting himself too. You said you reallly hurt him and did alot of mean things to him, so perhaps he just needs some tima alone to process his thoughts. To calm down.
You should respect this and give it to him, becasue if you dont then your likely to just smother him and make him snap, which will probably result in him cutting contact indefinatley.
So give him time.
My suggestion would be to try and calm down a bit, you seem in a complete panic. When you are less frantic, write him a letter. Explain how you feel, appologise etc. Dont go overboard with the declarations of everlasting love and not being able to survive without him etc. Just keep it as short as possible (if he is still angry then a 10 page letter repeating the same stuff over and over will just annoy him) and end it by telling him you will give him some time to think about what he wants ans how he feels. Then ask that he contacts you when he is ready and lets you know once and for all what he wants to do.
This way you can explaoin how u feel ang also give him the time and space to caml down and work out his own feelings. In my opinion this is probably the only chance you have of possibly sorting things out with him and resuming your relationship.
Best of luck

IrishEyes19

qwertytlk wrote: »

Hi
firstly just have to say im so sorry your feeling so low at the moment...
I have to say i agree with alot of what the previous post said, and i think you should talk to someone about this, a counsellor.

In terms of getting him back, or fixing the reationship.... Well firstly i would stop pestering your ex. I know you feel desperate and utterly helpless but he has made it clear he doesnt want to talk to you. I doubt this will last forevcver. It rarely does in any case like this. I would say he is probably just angry and maybe hurting himself too. You said you reallly hurt him and did alot of mean things to him, so perhaps he just needs some tima alone to process his thoughts. To calm down.
You should respect this and give it to him, becasue if you dont then your likely to just smother him and make him snap, which will probably result in him cutting contact indefinatley.
So give him time.
My suggestion would be to try and calm down a bit, you seem in a complete panic. When you are less frantic, write him a letter. Explain how you feel, appologise etc. Dont go overboard with the declarations of everlasting love and not being able to survive without him etc. Just keep it as short as possible (if he is still angry then a 10 page letter repeating the same stuff over and over will just annoy him) and end it by telling him you will give him some time to think about what he wants ans how he feels. Then ask that he contacts you when he is ready and lets you know once and for all what he wants to do.
This way you can explaoin how u feel ang also give him the time and space to caml down and work out his own feelings. In my opinion this is probably the only chance you have of possibly sorting things out with him and resuming your relationship.
Best of luck

I honestly dont think the OP should write him a letter. The guy will be already sick of the constant emails, ect and will think she is pestering him and a pain. I dont think the OP needs anymore rejection already. This guy already knows where she is, knows how to contact her, and I am sure she has already let him know how she feels. Another letter, message isnt going to change anything. The best thing now is to leave him alone and no more bombarding him. If he wants to make contact he will.

And I dont think he wants to resume the relationship either right now. He is clearly fustrated and wants time alone. If you truly love him and I know its hard, you will do what he wants and leave him be for the time being. The OP needs to move on with the idea that right now there is no solution to fixing or resuming the relationship. Its really hard to do at first, but it really helps in time. But right now OP, you are acting clearly on high emotions and nothing you would do now, would be productive if you were to contact him.

I really feel for you, its a terrible pain, heartbreak, but I swear to you, its gets better. You get to a point where you wake up someday and get about your day and you realise that you havent thought about that person half as much as you did before, and soon enough, someone will walk into your life who you just instantly click with. It will happen for you.

halpin17

Don't mean to be a Cnut but if u love him so much why did hurt him repeatly and badly ok once maybe twice but it sounds like u made him snap!

LegacyUser

I just want to clarify that I haven't been calling him 24/7. I called him once a day since Wednesday, except for Thursday and today, and I sent him one email. So as much as I want to, I'm not pestering him.

In terms of everything else, I know you guys are saying I should move on, but I'm saying moving on is not an option. In your situation, not knowing us, I would probably say the same thing but I really believe (and our friends and family believed) we were the perfect couple until I started getting these issues. We've gotten through hard times before so I know if he gave me a chance we could get through this. He well and truly is my soul mate. If this isn't love I don't believe love exists because what I feel and what I have felt all along is so strong. I would do anything for him.

So what I'm saying is, I can't move on. I know he still loves and cares about me, but I hurt him really badly. But I know if I got the chance (which I don't deserve, but there is no other option) I could make up for it over time and it would never happen again. So I suppose what I'm looking for is advice on how to convince him to just hear me out.

One thing that I thought of tonight is that we had one other big fight in our relationship, months ago now. I went away and stayed with friends for the night and when I came back in the morning he told me I shouldn't have gone, that I shouldn't have left him to mull over things because it made it worse. And also, I know that he sort of used to "forget" how much he loved me if he hadn't seen me for a few days (which I experienced as well). Not fall out of love at all, still be crazy for the other person, but just forget exactly how beautiful they are or just how much we adore the other person, and thus find it slightly easier to stay mad at them. So even though it seems like a bit much, I'm really thinking about going to our (his now) house to try to get him to talk to me.

Another really annoying factor is that I cannot afford rent. Apart from losing this month's rent on the old house, my rent in my new place is more than double what it was.

LegacyUser

Halpin17 I hurt him because I'm a completely evil idiot. I was (a bit) depressed for a month and I took it all out on him. I didn't even see it at the time because I was so wrapped up in myself. I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I have to get one. My life is pointless without him. I have no reason to get up in the morning.

Esoteric_

OP, I'm not trying to be harsh here but you're not listening to people.

Listen to what you've said! That is scary! You've emailed him almost every day, you've called him, you had a friend talk to him and now, despite him not wanting to talk to you, you plan to just arrive at his house? You do realise that this borders on harrassment?

I have to be honest, I find it really scary that you say moving on is not an option. If this guy was your soulmate, he'd be with you, but he has chosen not to be. You do not get to decide how the relationship goes by yourself. HE has chosen to cut contact because you are not HIS soulmate. If he loved you so much, he would not be ignoring you.

OP, seek professional help because your posts are quite scary to read and I'm honestly worried you'll end up stalking this guy (which you're already kind of doing).

I am a friend

NotCoping wrote: »

I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I have to get one. My life is pointless without him. I have no reason to get up in the morning.

I have to agree this is the scariest post I have ever read... You can't expect your ex to be solely responsible for your happiness - that's your responsibility. Tbh, I would not want to be with someone so needy and dramatic and I think you would be better off staying away and getting stronger in yourself before you enter any relationship again.

sam34

NotCoping wrote: »

He well and truly is my soul mate

.

he CLEARLY does not agree with you.

show the man the respect he deserves, behave with dignity and leave the man alone

beks101

NotCoping wrote: »

In terms of everything else, I know you guys are saying I should move on, but I'm saying moving on is not an option.

I understand you're coming from a place of extreme, raw heartbreak, but you need to get a grip here. Moving on is the only option you have right now, as your ex is refusing to talk or make any contact with you. Pushing him on this, by continuing with the phone calls and emails, and God forbid - calling around to his house - is going to do nothing but p1ss him off and push him further away.

He clearly needs space right now, so you need to put your own needs aside right now and respect his. The fact that you can't do this says it all - maybe this lack of respect or recognition of his needs was what caused this downfall. Who knows.

Also, what your family and friends say and think is wholly irrelevant. They weren't living in the relationship, they were mere witnesses to the outward appearance of the relationship, which I'm sure was positive and loving and all things that you expect from a couple in love. I've met a lot of friends' partners over the years, most I liked, most who made my friends happy, most who have come and gone.

Please talk to someone about what's going through your head, because the last thing you need to do is to isolate yourself right now. What you're going through is not dissimilar to a bereavement and you need as much support as you can get. Are you close to your family? Can you go home to your parents' house for a few days? Can you call on a close friend for a chat? Try to keep your energy levels up, I know the appetite is non existent at the minute but letting your physical health deteriorate through lack of sleep and not eating is going to worsen your depression and make everything twice as hard. I'd recommend a trip to the GP to see if they can help with the lack of sleep or refer you to a counsellor.

You WILL get through this OP. Tens of millions have been through this before you, you're not alone. Sit down, close your eyes and BREATHE. Don't act on any crazy impulses to win your ex back, he needs space to think and hurt and get his head straight. Best of luck and remember that nothing is permanent - this too shall pass x

Ickle Magoo

halpin17, please ensure you read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum charter[/URL] before posting again - specifically the rules regarding civil language, offering constructive advice and not using text speak.

Many thanks.

estar

have you got family you could discuss this with? someone older that knows you and that you trust that could advise you in this situation? personally if you are feeling this intensely about the situation, are there friends or family you could be staying with. you are very emotional at the moment. you did say that for the last month you have been feeling very depressed - have you received treatment for this? you have said that this has contributed to your problems - you realise that you are still feeling this way, even more now, and actions you take now might make your relationship even worse? maybe its time to take a step back, get some professional advice on your current emotional health and then approach resolving this problem when you are more in control.

i think you should go to a doctor today and tell him how you have been feeling and get a referral to a psychologist and get some support and advice.

i dont think you should take any further actions until you can think clearly. as i said you dont want to make the situation worse.

also - if something is to be sorted out, it will be sorted out. you dont have to sort it out today.

you said your ex was hurt by you taking moods out on him. dont you think that by contacting him to tell him how you cannot live without him might further drive him away? it might be a bit overwhelming for him.

it might be better to concentrate on yourself right now, and let him get back to you.

Emme

NotCoping wrote: »

Halpin17 I hurt him because I'm a completely evil idiot. I was (a bit) depressed for a month and I took it all out on him. I didn't even see it at the time because I was so wrapped up in myself. I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I have to get one. My life is pointless without him. I have no reason to get up in the morning.

Give yourself a second chance and get some professional help. Let the past and the bf go and focus on getting well and rebuilding your life. Then you'll be in a better place to find somebody new. Somebody kind and supportive - IMHO your ex doesn't sound like he was very supportive to you when you were depressed.

LegacyUser

Op - You need to stop trying to contact him. He seems to want to have some time to himself to think about things. If you have treated him as badly as you said you have maybe he's just had enough this time or maybe he just wants some space from the whole situation to clear his head. If he wants to work things out he will contact you, he knows your number and he knows where you are.

I'm speaking from experience. My ex treated me dreadfully for 3 years and in the end I packed my bags and left. I switched of my phone and didnt look at my emails for 2 weeks. I needed complete space and time to myself to come to a decision on what I wanted. Constant mistreatment does finally come to head, over time I was worn down so much so that I began to lose the love I had for my ex and in the end I felt I had nothing left to give.

Leave him be for now. He won't appreciate it.

Zen65

NotCoping wrote: »

I cannot deal with it at all. I can't live without him. I so deeply regret all the things I did and I know I could make it better if I could just talk to him. If he gave me another chance I would work my ass off to make the relationship amazing because I've never wanted anything so badly in my life.

Op, this might not be the advice you want, but you are heading down a destructive path by obsessing and thinking that you will get your relationship back on track by bargaining. You cannot. This man has been hurt by your past behaviour and you cannot invite him back to the same you and expect a positive result.

NotCoping wrote: »

We were meant to be together forever, he's all I can think about. I'm completely losing my mind. I cannot bear this pain.

This is all about how you feel. There is no reason to believe that how you feel will fix anything. Far from it, by expressing these feelings to your ex you are simply saying "you have to take me back or I'll be unhappy" which offers him nothing. It's not about whether he loves you enough, it's whether you can show that you have overcome the issues which led you to hurt him in the past. Nothing in your post suggests this is the case. In fact you paint a picture of yourself that is clingy, needy and unattractive. It does not matter what all your friends said, the reality is that you have damaged the relationship by your past actions and repeating that behaviour can only damage it further.

But you can change that!

NotCoping wrote: »

Please please tell me there's hope. Please, please suggest something I can do.

There is hope of course, but it will take strength. Your strength. There is no easy quick-fix Disney formula end to this, but the happy end you want is there for you.

If you really want to fix things start by fixing you. You need help to cope with what's going on in your life, help we cannot give you on an internet forum. You need counselling, proper professional help to give you the support that will allow you to get closure on your past actions and ultimately give you the strength to be able to later enter into a meaningful discussion with this man (if that's what the stronger you wants to do) to rationally agree whether or not to give your relationship another chance.

So start by visiting your GP and seeking help. Let him/her refer you to a counsellor who can help you come to terms with what is happening to you. I strongly suggest you should not attempt to contact this man in any way. Your actions to date in phoning and e-mailing him most likely serve only to remind him of how demanding you are, and how difficult the relationship has become.

I would suggest you do not contact him at all until you have been able to sleep properly and function properly every day for a month or more. In all fairness that's just my guess and somebody impartial who knows you (preferably your counsellor) will offer better advice than mine. You need to be clear in your own mind what you really want from the relationship for both of you. That clarity of mind is missing from your posts to date.


Be at peace,


Z