Standing up to an overbearing mother

LegacyUser

Hey Guys. I am a 20 year old college student. Recently my mother and I have had an arguement about myself and my boyfriend. I will be staying over in his next week for the first time after a night out in the city(not for sex but because of convieniance).

She knew this two weeks ago and said nothing. Last night she lost it and basically treated me like a sixteen year old threatening to get my father to look for me if we went ahead with our plans and she was very serious. I lost it then. I am 20 years of age!!!
I cannot believe she thinks she can treat me like that! I told my friends and they more or less were shocked today. They said I shouldnt of told her but why should I feel I have to lie!? I am twenty years of age.

My mother always tries to control me. I felt I could go to her about anything and have confinded in her several times only for it to be thrown in my face in arguements - my dad also has a habit of asserting I am basically dumb.
I always back down because it's just easier(she kicks up a fuss in the house and my dad starts shouting then because he just wants "peace" - so naturally, I'm the big bad bitch)

She really has crossed the line on this one.

I have also JUST gotten a part time job and she tried to tell me what I need to buy etc and while I know I need to buy stuff, I wish she'd leave me alone to do it myself.
I rarely go out with college friends in the city because she doesnt know them enough to "let me" stay over. WTF!
It's all very childish! I don't drive either so she uses that against me when I need to get to places - which is rare! I only ever ask if its out of the way of public transport!!

I am so sick of it.

Financially, I'm not in a position to move out. I want to grow up, make experiences, make mistakes and learn by myself.
My boyfriend and I have already agreed we won't be sleeping together anytime soon as we are not ready yet. So it's not like I'm up to anything. And so what if I was! I'm bloody twenty!

Her behaviour is way out of line!

And just to say, I was actually not difficult growing up. I did what I was told and never dabbled in anything or was troublesome. I was a good kid. So where is the trust? It's not like I gave her a reason to worry constantly etc

I always tell her she clearly does not trust me and she fights me on that too! Claiming she does! From re-reading this myself, it's blantantly obvious she doesnt.

Why am I getting treated like this?

/rant. Sorry but I am very annoyed at the moment..

Can anyone give me advice to get her to back off and let me live my own life..?

coolcat63

TBH, from your post you do sound a little young (all those !!!'s) and self absorbed. That's not an insult - you have no experience of anything other than yourself. Your parents have cared for you and worried about you for over 19 years - that's a habit that's hard to break so cut them some slack.

To grow up, 'make experiences,' make mistakes and learn by yourself you need to be free to do all these things. To do that you have to move out so your priority needs to be to A. earn money and B. research how/where you can gain the independence you crave.

Lon Dubh

Hi OP,don't totally agree with coolcat as you don't sound self-absorbed to me, just posting about a problem you are having. Unless people have experienced very overbearing and controlling parents it can be difficult for them to understand it.

It is not ok for parents to be this controlling at this stage. It is probably just a continuation of a habit, but really if they were more reasonable they would see that you need more freedom, as otherwise they are stifling your development and basically being bad parents at this point.

Are you an only child? As this might be feeding into it, as they would only have you to focus on. Not that you could do anything about this, but just it might be a contributing factor.

Unfortunately where I agree with coolcat is that I think there might not be much remedy to this until you move out and get out from under their thumb. In the meantime personally I would recommend not telling them a lot about your personal life, and being somewhat secretive (yes, including lying. You will get used to this after a while ), so that they don't have things to hang over you. They less they know about your life the less they can try to control it.

Well there's a certain level of independence you should reach before you leave home, which will also probably also show your mother that you're capable and might actually get her (marginally) off your back before you move out. I'm only 21, a similar age to you, and while my mother isn't particularly overbearing, I did somewhat work to get the freedom I have (still living at home, but I've been allowed to stay with boyfriends since I was 15). So if there's any of these you're not already doing, you should start now.
- Don't ask for lifts. Even if they're out of the way. This was always a tough one for me.
- Make your own meals, unless it's a family dinner or Sunday tradition etc.
- Stay late after college when you can. You have work to do and people to see.
- Be as vague as possible when asked who you were with, without sounding like you're purposely avoiding talking. If she pushes for names give them, but when she gets a bunch of names she doesn't recognise, she'll only feel frustrated that you complied and yet she still doesn't know what's going on.
- Start being friendly with her, it might slowly dissolve the adult/child dynamic.
- Buy your own clothes, toiletries etc.
- Do the washing. If you have enough clothes to do a full load with just your own stuff, do it that way.
- Basically don't let her do anything for you.
- If she isn't going to let you stay out, go out and then throw her a text saying you've missed your last bus or whatever. If you need to, lie about where you are.

Not saying it's foolproof, just saying it's what I would do in your position.

I am a friend

Well you are still dependent on them and living under their roof so they have rights too.

If you want to have your own way all the time why dont you get a job next term and do your course by night.

Lon Dubh

true-or-false wrote: »

Well there's a certain level of independence you should reach before you leave home, which will also probably also show your mother that you're capable and might actually get her (marginally) off your back before you move out. I'm only 21, a similar age to you, and while my mother isn't particularly overbearing, I did somewhat work to get the freedom I have (still living at home, but I've been allowed to stay with boyfriends since I was 15). So if there's any of these you're not already doing, you should start now.
- Don't ask for lifts. Even if they're out of the way. This was always a tough one for me.
- Make your own meals, unless it's a family dinner or Sunday tradition etc.
- Stay late after college when you can. You have work to do and people to see.
- Be as vague as possible when asked who you were with, without sounding like you're purposely avoiding talking. If she pushes for names give them, but when she gets a bunch of names she doesn't recognise, she'll only feel frustrated that you complied and yet she still doesn't know what's going on.
- Start being friendly with her, it might slowly dissolve the adult/child dynamic.
- Buy your own clothes, toiletries etc.
- Do the washing. If you have enough clothes to do a full load with just your own stuff, do it that way.
- Basically don't let her do anything for you.
- If she isn't going to let you stay out, go out and then throw her a text saying you've missed your last bus or whatever. If you need to, lie about where you are.

Not saying it's foolproof, just saying it's what I would do in your position.

Lots of good tips there of ways of becoming less dependent on them and gaining more independence,, which will be good for you in the long-run anyway.

qwertytlk

Hi, i agree with what other posters have said about not being dependant on your parents for anything, as they will only use it against you in arguments if they are 'looking' after you.

Also is there anyway you could sit your mother down and have a mature, civil discussion with her about all this. Explain that you feel she is smothering you. That youv never given her a reason to worry about the choices you make so she does not need to over protect you at this age.
At the end of the day the discussion would just be a courtesy as at 20 she cant really tell you what you can/cant do. Imo if she tries to tell you that you cant stay the night in a friends house then i wouldnt obide by her. It is a joke at your age that she still thinks she can control you, she is literally treating you like your 15. So you have silblings?is she so controlling with them?
I wouldnt put up with that crap at your age tbh... To have someone telling me i can sleepover at a friends house....at 20 is ridiculous!
You really meed to talk to her and get her to listen and see things from your point of view. But most of all dont let her push you around and control you. When you want to stay in a friends house then just do it. I dont know why you would be asking her permission anyway.
How does she expect you to grow up and become independant?!
Is there a family member/friend that you could get to speak to her. To make her see how irrational she is being?

Beruthiel

underthethumb wrote: »

Why am I getting treated like this?

Maybe you're still acting like a teenager towards your mother?
What I mean by that is, do you loose it or are you calm?

I was letting my daughter pretty much what she wanted by age 18.
I was able to do that because I knew she had her head screwed on and is a sensible girl.
She would text me if her plans changed and basically did nothing which would have me worried.

At age 20, you should be living your own life and doing as you please.
If you point that out to your mother in an adult way, it might help.
Remember though, actions speak louder than words. So, you can tell her that you are an adult and that you will be doing your own thing from now on without asking her permission.
Tell her that you know she worries for you because she loves you, but you must now live your life as you see fit.
Remind her that she (and you) learn by experience and mistakes.

Cuddlesworth

"I rarely go out with college friends in the city because she doesnt know them enough to "let me" stay over. WTF!"

This bit really sticks out to me. At 17 my parents "letting me" wouldn't even enter the equation.

You need to start cutting her out of your life when its outside the family home. No info, no times to expect you and no asking to do something.

liquoriceall

I agree with pretty much what has been written here I went off to London on my own at 19 and my mother hadnt a clue what I was doing, I ended up back home briefly in my early twenties and if my mother asked me anything I just looked at her and changed the subject. one other thing you could recommend is asking her all the time where shes going, what shes doing etc etc and eventually she will get annoyed and point made!
Also the making own food, doing washing etc is vital

R.D. aka MR.D

Are you an only child by any chance?

Parents are like any one else in your life you have to teach them how to treat you.

One of the best pieces of advice i have ever gotten in my life was from my older brother who told me- Don't ask them (our parents) can you go somewhere just tell them you are going. End of.

I'm lucky i had him to blaze a trail before me. But op it's up to you. As others have said just assert your independence. If it helps just think of yourself as a lodger in their house and don't expect anything of them.

They will soon adjust.

Squiggler

true-or-false wrote: »

- If she isn't going to let you stay out, go out and then throw her a text saying you've missed your last bus or whatever. If you need to, lie about where you are.

Agree with all you said bar this. Don't lie to her.

OP, I was the eldest of 4, and a girl to boot. When I was 19 I could have written your post. But I kept calm, fended for myself, helped out at home and worked on building an adult-adult relationship with my mother rather than a parent-child one. I never lied to her but I did cross her.

The worst was one day I called to tell her that I would be going to a party and staying with a friend (female) that night. She hit the roof, told me if I didn't come home (14 miles away) by midnight she would report me missing to the guards etc. I calmly told her to stop over-reacting, that staying with my friend overnight was safer than taking a taxi through the countryside at that hour of night and that I would be home at x time tomorrow and we could talk about it then.

And when I got home I only discussed it with her when she had calmed down (if she started to get hysterical or shouty I told her I wasn't going to have an argument and left the room). It was the turning point for us.

Not saying it will work for you exactly that way, but definitely don't allow yourself to be drawn into screaming matches - someone needs to behave like a grown-up, try to make sure that it is ALWAYS you.