Stupidly Funny Things You've Heard People Say Or Saw Them Do

BOHtox

Whilst being on crutches a while ago, a guy in my old school comes up to me and says "What's up with your arm?"
I said " Nothing's wrong with my arm. If there was something wrong with my arm why would I be on crutches?"
to which his equally intelligent mate goes " I bet you were **** too hard".
1) he thought I was on crutches with an arm injury and 2) his mate thought you could be put on crutches by **** to hard.

Safe to say these people haven't a hope in life.

Anyone esle heard anything stupidly funny?

MungBean

Haha flipping idiot, how can ya **** too hard ?

Fart

I remember once whilst having a cast on both arms a while ago, a guy in my old school comes up to me and says "What's up with your legs?"
I said " Nothing's wrong with my legs. If there was something wrong with my legs why would my arms be in casts?"
to which his equally intelligent mate goes " I bet you were walking too hard"
1) he thought my arms were in casts with a double leg injury and 2) his mate thought your arms could be put in casts by walking too hard.

4zn76tysfajdxp

BOHtox wrote: »

Whilst being on crutches a while ago, a guy in my old school comes up to me

What are you doing hanging around your old school?

BOHtox

Madalynn Happy Earth wrote: »

What are you doing hanging around your old school?

Being knee-deep in clunge!

dark crystal

Back in my old flat sharing days, I was making a sheperd's pie with one of those Knorr packet mixes and my flat mate asked me, in all seriousness, "How do they get the mince and potato into that small packet then?"

We also bought a pack of door handles in a DIY shop one day and she asked why the handles came in two's. :rolleyes:

4zn76tysfajdxp

BOHtox wrote: »

Being knee-deep in clunge!

Is that why you're in crutches?

AnamGlas

So how do they get the fig into the fig roll?

BOHtox

Madalynn Happy Earth wrote: »

Is that why you're in crutches?

I'm not on crutches.

Now I don't know this as I'm not a mod nor did I read the charter thingy but is there not some sort of rule whereby you have to actually read the OP before posting not just picking up a few nouns and gathering your consencous from them. Your way seems more fun though. Probably gets more Thanks too

4zn76tysfajdxp

BOHtox wrote: »

I'm not on crutches.

I'm not convinced. You sound like a paedo to me.

Thrill

BOHtox wrote: »

Whilst being on crutches a while ago, a guy in my old school comes up to me and says "What's up with your arm?"
I said " Nothing's wrong with my arm. If there was something wrong with my arm why would I be on crutches?"
to which his equally intelligent mate goes " I bet you were **** too hard".
1) he thought I was on crutches with an arm injury and 2) his mate thought you could be put on crutches by **** to hard.

Safe to say these people haven't a hope in life.

Anyone esle heard anything stupidly funny?

Maybe he was just pulling your leg.

Saila

AnamGlas wrote: »

So how do they get the fig into the fig roll?

compress in your hand...or just get an elephant to stand on it

InkSlinger67

I charged someone €1.20 for something which was marked €1.00 and they said "Thank you!"

-Your Local Shopkeeper

BOHtox

Madalynn Happy Earth wrote: »

I'm not convinced. You sound like a paedo to me.

Looks at your avatar :eek:

Killer Pigeon

MungBean wrote: »

Haha flipping idiot, how can ya **** too hard ?

Well clearly you've fapped too hard when you've snapped your banjo string.

MungBean

Once had an electrician friend of mine try to tell me the whole "Knife in the toaster" thing was a myth and there absolutely no way anything could happen.

So over he went with a knife and jabbed it in and all went dark. It blew the trip switch for the building and I'm not sure whether he was partially electrocuted or just got the fright of his life because he went rather pale and very quiet for a good while after it.

Mister-M5

Couple of summers ago between college years I was working as a labourer for my football manager. While on lunch one day one of his apprentices was pouring stew from a flask into a bowl.

After a couple of seconds pouring we thought he had finished but he then turned the flask upside down and starting swearing at it, looking up into it and all the rest, you know yourself.

So i let curiosity get the better or me and I asked "What are you doing?", to which he replied "Bloody pieces of beef are stuck in the flask, won't come out".
So I said " Sure how did you get them in in the first place if they won't come out?"
He replied "I forced them in with a fork you clown"

Johro

Mister-M5 wrote: »

Couple of summers ago between college years I was working as a labourer for my football manager. While on lunch one day one of his apprentices was pouring stew from a flask into a bowl.

After a couple of seconds pouring we thought he had finished but he then turned the flask upside down and starting swearing at it, looking up into it and all the rest, you know yourself.

So i let curiosity get the better or me and I asked "What are you doing?", to which he replied "Bloody pieces of beef are stuck in the flask, won't come out".
So I said " Sure how did you get them in in the first place if they won't come out?"
He replied "I forced them in with a fork you clown"

Lol. He called you a clown...
This blonde on 'Come Dine With Me' : 'I'd rather be streetwise than know the capital of Rome.' :rolleyes:

daelight

In a cafe - old couple (60's) sitting close .. my head is down buried in a smartphone .. hear unusual sounds... look up ...

She is CLIPPING HIS FINGER NAILS

El Weirdo

Madalynn Happy Earth wrote: »

What are you doing hanging around your old school?

"I get older, they stay the same age."

orourkeda

MungBean wrote: »

Once had an electrician friend of mine try to tell me the whole "Knife in the toaster" thing was a myth and there absolutely no way anything could happen.

So over he went with a knife and jabbed it in and all went dark. It blew the trip switch for the building and I'm not sure whether he was partially electrocuted or just got the fright of his life because he went rather pale and very quiet for a good while after it.

Ws this guy working in Priory Hall

policarp

Two teenage girls talking on a bus.
First girl asks her friend "Have you lost your virginity?"
Second girl says "Lost it? Lost it loads of times."

luckyfrank

I saw gaddafi saying to his captors on tv 'dont shoot dont shoot' yeah like there going to bring you in for a cup a tea and a sandwich

Bobby Baccala

Two of my friends taught that the chorus to exodus by bob marley was him repeating the words "pixie dust"

keithb93

playing an aul game of tag in primary school and two of the lads both thought they were on so they both ran at each other full speed. 1 of them must have been 15 stone weight and the other lad was tiny.....cue the small lad flying back about 2 meters to the ground :D

kc87

one of the lads had got his girlfriend pregnant and sitting in the pub he said to a group of us,
lads i don't know how i got her pregnant.
we asked him did he use condoms or was she on the pill.
he said nah never bothered.
ok did you pull out before the finale?
he said, nah never pulled out,
so we told him yeah that might have something to do with her being pregnant,
he turned around pure serious and said, i know that but still don't know she's pregnant.

good to see he listened when he was told about the birds and the bees

luckyfrank

Has this ever happend to anyone else, being in a rush in a cornershop and a fat kid infront of you keeps asking the girl behind the counter 'how much are yer penny sweets' and moves on and 'how much are yer five penny lollipops' and then 'are those tenpenny flogs ten pence' and back to 'how much are yer penny sweets'

Your just want to donkey punch the little bugger in the back of the skull

starbelgrade

A few weeks ago, a guy in the street came up to me & said "Howya?"

And I said, "I'm grand, how are you?"

And he said, "Ah, not too bad."

And then he walked on & said, "See ya".

And I haven't seen or heard of him since.

luckyfrank

starbelgrade wrote: »

A few weeks ago, a guy in the street came up to me & said "Howya?"

And I said, "I'm grand, how are you?"

And he said, "Ah, not too bad."

And then he walked on & said, "See ya".

And I haven't seen or heard of him since.

Howya

Johro

starbelgrade wrote: »

A few weeks ago, a guy in the street came up to me & said "Howya?"

And I said, "I'm grand, how are you?"

And he said, "Ah, not too bad."

And then he walked on & said, "See ya".

And I haven't seen or heard of him since.

See ya.

brummytom

When the self-service checkouts first came to my local tesco, I saw an old lady holding up her items to the screen (rather than the scanner) and saying what they were. She completely ignored the 'unexpected item in the bagging area' and the fact nothing was beeping and carried on until someone came over.


I don't know if she was confused or messing, but it was great to watch.

Hercule Poirot

There is a great one about Jason McAteer - which the man himself has confirmed to be true - from his playing days at Liverpool. The story goes:

McAteer is ordering a pizza from some random take-away place, the guy behind the counter asks: "Do you want it in 6 slices or 8?"

McAteer replies: "You better make it 6, I'll never eat 8!!"

The King of Moo

Was working in a supermarket during the Euro changeover when the trollies had clearly-marked separate coinslots for the punt and the euro. Some of the slots were newly-made and thus a bit stiff.

I was faced with the following every time I went in and out of the front door:

"Sorry, I was tryin' to put the pound in the pound slot, but it was a bit hard to get it in, so I put it in the euro slot and now it's stuck."

*Cue blank, helpless look from the customer*

Me: "Ok hang on."

I then proceeded to get the specialist: ie. the trolley guy who had a knife for prising out the multitudes of pounds stuck in euro slots and vice versa.

Surely it would've made more sense to try another trolley instead of ramming the pound in a slot half its size!