Feeling guilty for having money

LegacyUser

Okay so long story short; living in college, sharing apartment

Now my flatmate is nice, but pretty much broke, and mentioned how she sometimes lives on €1 a day for food, plus anything we have in the apartment.

The thing is, we live different lives. He likes to go out; I don't. I eat out every day; he doesn't. We basically look after ourselves.

However recently, especially tonight, I've been feeling really guilty about having so much more money than him. The only time I 'take' anything off him is when he offers me coffee or tea, or if he has mates over and I have some drink. I should say, I don't drink a lot, I might only have three shot-glass-fulls of rum a week. But tonight the way he mentioned the fact I never pay for it, it really hurt.

I never buy it because I rarely drink it, and I'm starting to think I should offer money or something every time I eat or drink something he bought, even though he's the one offering it. But how do I do that without looking like I'm saying 'here, I know you're broke, have a couple of quid'?

Another thing is that I never answer the phone [which is true] because it's always his friends coming over, not mine. Fair enough, I can do that

But, another thing is cleaning up. I always clean up after myself, but flat-out refuse to clean up after others, i.e. him and his friends. Now I do clean the bathroom, but never the living quarters, because I never make a mess there. And the issue really hasn't come up, but I'm starting to think it might. I did a bit of cleaning tonight, sorting empty bottles from not empty, and tidied the table, but that's it.

I should add, it's not that he doesn't clean up after a party, because he and his mates do; I just don't help a lot because I'll clean up after myself, not others.

Okay that wasn't very 'short', was it? Here's the tl;dr version:

- Should I pay him whenever I drink some of his food [even with his permission], and if yes how can I do so without making him seem like a charity case?
- Should I help clean up more, even though I'm strongly against it?

Stench Blossoms

You should defo give money towards the food and drink if you are eating and drinking it.

Not sure about the cleaning.

you dont pay him for it, you buy a bottle in replacement or a box of teabags or whatever it is you have occasionally

Ickle Magoo

I wouldn't be cleaning up after him or his mates regardless of how little money he has - stick to cleaning where you make the mess and keeping loo/kitchen clean...

While three shot glasses isn't a lot - added up over the course of many months or years is plenty. If you want to avoid any issue with food and drink then just politely decline if he offers you anything and stick to your own...or have a joint kitty for tea/coffee/rum/etc.

All the best.

Distorted

Just buy him a bottle of rum or wine every so often and leave it as a present for him in thanks for his treating you. The cleaning situation as it is sounds as if it is working fine so I'd just leave it. He sounds like a pretty good flatmate really!

tenchi-fan

Money Money Money wrote: »

The only time I 'take' anything off him is when he offers me coffee or tea, or if he has mates over and I have some drink. I should say, I don't drink a lot, I might only have three shot-glass-fulls of rum a week. But tonight the way he mentioned the fact I never pay for it, it really hurt.

Buy a naggin, leave it in the freezer (don't worry, it won't go off!), and next time you're having drinks you can drink your own.

Money Money Money wrote: »

Another thing is that I never answer the phone [which is true] because it's always his friends coming over, not mine. Fair enough, I can do that

Get an answer machine.

Money Money Money wrote: »

But, another thing is cleaning up. I always clean up after myself, but flat-out refuse to clean up after others, i.e. him and his friends. Now I do clean the bathroom, but never the living quarters, because I never make a mess there. And the issue really hasn't come up, but I'm starting to think it might. I did a bit of cleaning tonight, sorting empty bottles from not empty, and tidied the table, but that's it.

The joys of a house share. I found I used to clean the bathroom more often because my roommates (two girls) didn't realise how bad it got. I'd also sweep the floor downstairs. They'd usually keep the kitchen pretty clean.

Danniboo

Money Money Money wrote: »

Okay so long story short; living in college, sharing apartment

Now my flatmate is nice, but pretty much broke, and mentioned how she sometimes lives on €1 a day for food, plus anything we have in the apartment.

The thing is, we live different lives. He likes to go out; I don't. I eat out every day; he doesn't. We basically look after ourselves.

However recently, especially tonight, I've been feeling really guilty about having so much more money than him. The only time I 'take' anything off him is when he offers me coffee or tea, or if he has mates over and I have some drink. I should say, I don't drink a lot, I might only have three shot-glass-fulls of rum a week. But tonight the way he mentioned the fact I never pay for it, it really hurt.

I never buy it because I rarely drink it, and I'm starting to think I should offer money or something every time I eat or drink something he bought, even though he's the one offering it. But how do I do that without looking like I'm saying 'here, I know you're broke, have a couple of quid'?

Another thing is that I never answer the phone [which is true] because it's always his friends coming over, not mine. Fair enough, I can do that

But, another thing is cleaning up. I always clean up after myself, but flat-out refuse to clean up after others, i.e. him and his friends. Now I do clean the bathroom, but never the living quarters, because I never make a mess there. And the issue really hasn't come up, but I'm starting to think it might. I did a bit of cleaning tonight, sorting empty bottles from not empty, and tidied the table, but that's it.

I should add, it's not that he doesn't clean up after a party, because he and his mates do; I just don't help a lot because I'll clean up after myself, not others.

Okay that wasn't very 'short', was it? Here's the tl;dr version:

- Should I pay him whenever I drink some of his food [even with his permission], and if yes how can I do so without making him seem like a charity case?
- Should I help clean up more, even though I'm strongly against it?

That argument doesn't really hold any weight, you dont buy it because you rarely drink it. Drinking once a week is not rarely drinking although it may be small quantities it is still drinking, and if it is always your housemates drink your drinking, I can see why he'd be annoyed. It's ironic with all this money you claim to have and your housemate with his €1 a day, he seems to be more given. Here's the main points in your thread:

I never clean the living quarters as I don't mess them: What about floors etc? we all dirty these if we walk on them, do you mop/sweep/hoover?

My housemate has €1 a day, yet offers me tea/coffee/food/alcohol: Do you ever offer to make him a cup of tea/rum or whatever?

Should I clean up more even though i'm strongly against it: You should share the household chores unless of course your housemate and his friends absolutely make a mess, then No it would be up to them to clean up. You say you drink with him maybe once a week, is this when you refer to him and his mates being around and making a mess, and you not feeling like you should contribute to cleaning the next day, as if your part of the "party" then you should help. Though if he hasn't mentioned it to you and your wondering if you should be doing more you probably know the answer to this yourself.

He seems like a decent guy OP, think you need to brighten your ideas.

Little Acorn

bluewolf wrote: »

you dont pay him for it, you buy a bottle in replacement or a box of teabags or whatever it is you have occasionally

Exactly this. ^^^

Now you don't have to come out and say "I bought this box of teabags for you because I had a few teabags out of your box", just offer him a cuppa from a box you have bought, occasionally like he does with you.
If you like a few shots of rum, buy a bottle for yourself, then casually offer a few shots to the people who normally share their drink with you.
You don't have to give them the whole bottle, just the gesture of offering a few shots of it will be appreciated, and as you are not a big drinker you could save the rest of it for the next night you want some.

I've had a few different house sharing experiences, some bad, some good.
In one house everyone kinda just shared teabags, coffee, toilet roll, tinfoil, kitchen paper, sponges and washing up liquid. The things that we all used.
There was no set rota, we would just take it in turns to replace these things whenever they ran out. It did eventually boil down though to only two of us being the ones always buying these things, so we stopped so that the others would chip in eventually. I did end up buying and storing packs of toilet roll in my bedroom, because certain housemates kept taking rolls of it into their own rooms, and never paying for it. Sounds very petty I know, but these little things can build up to be very annoying over time.
It can work out well though if everybody is being fair about it all.

You don't have to feel guilty about having more money than him. That is not your problem. It is up to him how he spends his money. You say he likes going out, so if this is where he is spending his money leaving himself with just a euro for food, then again this is his choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about in this regard.

I don't think it's a big ask of you, to answer the phone if you happen to be right beside it. If you are in your room relaxing or studying though,or he is nearby it, let him answer it himself if he's there.

I think you are doing the right thing regarding the cleaning. You shouldn't have to clean up other people's mess. As you say though, he and his friends always clean up after themselves anyways, so there doesn't seem to be any problem there yet that you need to be worrying about.

Daisy M

Do you ever offer your flatmate any of your food or beverages? If not then he has a point, how can you justify his sharing with you even though he is flat broke? As for the cleaning up are you saying you never ever clean the living area, if thats the case then its just not fair just because your not making a mess doesnt mean the place doesnt need a hoover/sweep and a wipe with a cloth every so often. It sounds as if your flatmate shares his food and drink he and his friends make you welcome to join them and you on the otherhand begrudge going out of your way to do anything in return. You come across as my granny used to say as if "you wouldnt lift the coal off someones foot"!!

Emme

If your flatmate is trying to survive as a student and spending money to entertain his friends while you live a quieter life no wonder he has less money than you. He sounds like a sociable generous type of person.

Buy a bottle of rum and give it to him as thanks for the shots he offered you. Buy another bottle for both of ye and keep it in the fridge. If necessary buy coffee and teabags to replace what you took from him.

I presume you offer him tea or coffee whenever you're making it.

The cleaning arrangement sounds fine, but would it kill you to answer the phone once in a while?

Instead of always eating out you could order in a takeaway and include him in it or cook and include him.

I know I'd feel bad if I was drinking 3 shots of somebody else's drink a week and not making some kind of contribution. That's the equivalent of €15 a week if you bought the shots in a bar!

BattleCorp

No need to panic. This isn't a big complicated situation.

Nearly everybody else has said all that needs to be said.

Buy a bottle of rum/box of teabags/coffee occasionally as payback for drinking a few sips here and there. No need to make a big fuss, just say that this is payback for the few drinks that they gave you.

Problem solved.

You are pretty lucky, most people with flatmates have way more problems than this.

C14N

Doesn't seem so complicated to me. Don't go ahead and offer him money (not a good idea to have debts amongst each other), just offer him something back in return for the stuff he gives you or do him a favour now and again and if he objects just tell him it's to make up for the bit he gives you. Worst case scenario, buy your own tea and rum and everyone drink their own stuff.

Talk to him too though. Just say "I didn't know you felt that way" about you not paying for it and ask what you can do to make it up to him. It's hard to know how he feels about it but if he's giving you stuff a few times a week, he probably expects you to do something for him, I think I would anyway.

stacexD

Buy him a bottle of rum or whatever he drinks every now and then.
He's the one offering you coffee/tea so I wouldn't worry about that really. I found that I could never use by butter/milk/bread/cheese and things like that so it could be a good idea to say to him (in an it's a waste not to kind of way) to use those kind of things if he wants.

For the cleaning bit I'm not really sure. I didn't like cleaning up after people either but wa sin with a messy and pretty lazy bunch so ended up doing it a lot. They used to say the same as you, that they didn't make a mess and not cleaning up after others etc, for one or 2 of them that was true but things like the sitting room, you may put your plates and rubbish away but the carpet won't hoover itself, and you can't say you don't even leave crumbs/splashes of stuff in the kitchen. So my advice advice would be to make a rota for the basics like taking the bin out, sweeping, hoovering, cleaning the kitchen and then a clean up after yourself and your friends rule for the rest of it, so that you don't end up cleaning up after 10 of his friends

Something I've learned is that the peace of mind and sense of community gained from sharing with housemates far outweighs how good the money feels in my pocket.

Buy him a bottle, offer him tea, clean up a bit and answer the phone.. He sounds like a regular guy but you sound a bit anal and should change it up a bit.

LegacyUser

i def agree with most here that you should buy the items that you share and bring them out to share yourself. Sharing is usually a two way street.

On the cleaning though i think if you are participating in the party then you should be cleaning up. Its a bit rich of you to join in for the fun and then disappear when its clean up time. It seems like these people are doing a bit to include you and might find your reasoning of 'they're not my friends' a bit mean. If you were by yourself in your room while they were partying away then i wouldn't clean beyond normal day to day but if you're with them then i really think you should.

Taltos

OP has not been back since the original post so closing this thread.

Taltos