He can't trust himself

LegacyUser

So I've recently become closer to an old friend of a friend. I found him on Facebook and added him. Although he lives in England now, we discovered there was a spark after talking and laughing for a few days until the early hours of the morning on skype. The conversations have since turned quite serious and we have made plans to meet.
Today however, he told me that the last relationship he was in, it ended because of him hurting his ex over a year ago. I didn't ask what happened or what he did as it was clear he didn't want to talk about it but he's still beating himself up over what he did. He's terrified that if we get serious, he'll do the same thing to me and I don't know how to convince him that I don't care if it happens and I'm not the type of person to be put off something or someone because of 'maybes' and 'what ifs'.
I think he is or at least beginning to suffer from depression over it. He repeatedly apologises for small things and worries about offending me with slightest things, which makes more sense to me now. I'm a laidback person and don't get annoyed or offended easily. I have difficulty communicating this to him and, to be honest, I hated seeing him so down about it.
He genuinely is a decent guy, and I know he says he hurt his last girlfriend but he's still so upset about it, I don't think he could do whatever he did to her again. Is there anything I can say to him or anything I can do to convince him that I don't care if he hurts me and I'd rather not think about the future in such a negative way?

Miss Fluff

What did he do though? If it was me I'd want to know exactly how it is he hurt his this woman and in what way exactly he can't trust himself. It's obviously a pretty serious cause for upset so I'd want to know the details, whether it be the case that he chopped her into little bits and ate her in a stew, cheated on her or else something minor like getting pissed and making a show of himself at her Christmas party. You need to know and then you can decide whether you want to proceed.

Ickle Magoo

Are you sure it's him worrying and not just looking for an easy way to let you down/a get out as he's not romantically interested?

I'd also be very sure you know what the "hurt" was before getting involved if he's genuinely that scared about your welfare at his hands that he's avoiding getting any closer to you.

All the best

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks guys. We have made plans to meet up in the New Year and he told me that he'd tell me all then. I don't think it was that bad as he complimented my breasts once and he still apologises whenever he can for ''making me feel uncomfortable'', which he didn't and he can't seem to stop blaming himself for it (for something as small as that). It really seems as though it's in his nature to make himself miserable.
As for trying to push me away, he could be but he does seem to be putting in most of the work. He was the one who suggested meeting up, he asks for ''5 more minutes'' if have to leave skype for any reason. Although in saying that, he also tells me that he's afraid of hurting me but at the same time, doesn't want to stop getting to know me.
I just don't know what to do to stop him being so down

Ickle Magoo

He complimented your breasts and has you repeatedly reassuring him that it's not an issue, is doing most of the running and is afraid of hurting you but doesn't want to stop getting to know you? The cynic in me sees red flags all over the shop there, just take a step back and go into this with your eyes open, OP.

All the best.

I am a friend

Ah no hon you need to know what happened now. Why waste 2/3 more months on him if what he did is unforgivable...

Also you have given him carte Blanche to treat you the same after you telling him you are ok with whatever he did.

He sounds like a master manipulator and you are letting him manipulate you.

Miss Fluff

This is giving me a serious case of the heeby-jeebies here. You need to proceed with caution. If you do decide to meet him (although there are already a lot of reasons to my mind why you shouldn't) then let him come to Ireland to meet you.

parrai

It could be possible that he is still hurting over his last relationship... i agree though with what others have said, he does sound peculiar...

When you were talking to him, was he the same as when you knew him years ago, like personality wise? (I know people change but alot of things should be similar)

I think it would also be a good idea to meet him in Ireland in your home town...(I take it that ye are from the same place)

Does he talk about people ye knew here and that kind of stuff...

Maybe he just feels out of it in England....

BlueCool

Look, I would say give the benefit of the doubt. After my last relationship broke up I took the blame for the whole break-up. At the start, everyone blamed me for breaking her heart...and how could I treat her so badly. It got to the stage that I starting blaming myself- although I can look back now and say the blame was equally shared. So when i started a new relationship it took me a long time to get over the "fear" of hurting someone- just like OP. I just think his confidence could be shot just like mine was.

LegacyUser

HelpMeHelpHim wrote: »

... He's terrified that if we get serious, he'll do the same thing to me ...

It's possible that he is still hurting but it's also possible that he's planning on using this fear as an excuse to keep you at arms length. The commenting on your breasts and the fact that he still apologizes "whenever he can" (er, how often does this come up in conversation?) sounds very strange.

Abi

HelpMeHelpHim wrote: »

He's terrified that if we get serious, he'll do the same thing to me and I don't know how to convince him that I don't care if it happens and I'm not the type of person to be put off something or someone because of 'maybes' and 'what ifs'.

Why would you be willing see him anyway with a warning like that?


I think it's quite possible you've fallen for him already, because of what you said above, and are almost prepared to ignore what he's talking about. Because, despite what he's told you and won't give you the details, you've arranged to meet him.

Though, there's that hint of doubt that made you post the thread. He didn't go into it, but hypothetically speaking, if he IS talking about cheating - then you're faced with the worry of his past, and the warning he gave you every time he's out alone.

terrified that if we get serious, he'll do the same thing to me

^ Translates to me that he can't trust himself. If he can't trust himself, how can you trust him?

I'd re-think the NY meet if I were you OP.

this sounds weird to me op.

i dont mean this to sound in anyway hurtful, but have you had many relationships over last few years?
do you have a full and busy social life?

its just that you seem to think this guys behaviour is ok.
apologises for complementing your breasts? how did he see them? in what context did he mention them? how often now does he mention them? and he always apologises?

just seems strange to me op.
and the whole making excuses before you even half get together, seems like he is making his excuses first, so in future he can say 'well i did tell you etc. etc. etc'

maybe get out some more, dont rely on this guy for your social life, iif you know wot i mean.

Big Bag of Chips

HelpMeHelpHim wrote: »

I don't know how to convince him that I don't care if it happens and I'm not the type of person to be put off something or someone because of 'maybes' and 'what ifs'.......

I know he says he hurt his last girlfriend but he's still so upset about it, I don't think he could do whatever he did to her again.

You have no idea what he did. He may have cheated on her. Or he may have been a jealous boyfriend who drove her away because of constantly checking up on her. Or he may have abused her.... you don't know, so for you to say you don't care if it happens to you is a bit scary to be honest.

HelpMeHelpHim wrote: »

Is there anything I can say to him or anything I can do to convince him that I don't care if he hurts me

Why would you start a potential relationship by telling someone that you are giving them the go ahead to hurt you? Trying to *convince* him, that you *don't care* if he hurts you is really really not healthy.

I get where you are coming from, but you need to change the language you use when talking about this. Maybe talk about helping him, or supporting him, but never that you don't care if he hurts you. Never!

My impression, for what it's worth, he is playing the victim, and almost enjoying having you fuss over him.

Whatever he did is either so trivial that he can't tell you now because he's made such an issue of it. Or so bad that he knows once he tells you, that's the end.

But the relationship balance is all skewed at the moment. And I have a feeling if you did get together, you would spend a huge amount if time being his "mother", and *minding* him.

That's fine, if you're happy with that sort of relationship. But it does get tiresome very quickly.


Edit: I also think he is not over his ex yet!

Neyite

Maybe I'm a cynic who has met too many tossers in my romantic history, but the first thing that occured to me is that its a get-out-clause for future bad behaviour, putting it back on you:

"But honey, I told you I couldnt trust myself not to hurt you, you said you didnt care about it, you knew this was what I'm like, its your fault, not mine" :rolleyes:


Find out what happened, and make a balanced decision based on that.

I am a friend

Yeah how would you trust him if he can't trust himself.

qwertytlk

No offence op but why does this guys behaviour seem normal and accecptable to you? Quite frankly to me (and apparantley everyone else who read this thread) his behaviour seems totally strange and weird.
As another poster said 'it has red flags all over it'...

Dont try and convince him you dont care if he hurts you...tbh you shouldnt be giving any opinion on that scenario at all untill you know the details.
Dont you find it odd (and annoying ) that he keeps going on about hurting his ex and not trusting himself not to hurt you etc, yet he wont tell you what happend? That would really annoy me, like why keep talking about it if hes not willing to give the full story.
I think you should be careful as his whole way of going on seems odd and just not normal at all.
Please think about this, and take note of the fact almost every reply to this thread has had some type of warning about his behaviour in it.
Good luck anyway.