Think my friend has feelings

LegacyUser

Hi,

Going unreg.

I'm female, living abroad with a group of friends, one of whom I lived with until recently. I'm closest to her and she's one of my best friends, a really great, funny, awesome girl. She's also gay, just recently came out.

Anyway towards the end of our lease we decided to live separately, were having some issues. Towards the end of the summer the bad air between us began to dissipate (just different people in a living setting, which caused a bit of tension and friction over the year, friendship still in tact). We were getting on like a house on fire again, heading out on the p1ss together, talks in the park, all the rest. She'd start getting really affectionate and tactile with me, not a prob, she's that kind of person anyway. But just started saying things that made me think she was feeling more. Half-jokingly say things like 'oh it's because I'm in love with you', 'you'd be my type out of our circle of friends', 'I've started putting things off just so I can come home to you and we can have our chats' etc.

Anyway. We both moved to our new places and I have seen far, far less of her since, we're still in contact but I just felt like she was slightly colder to me ever since. Last night we went out for a few drinks and it was great, like old times. Then we come home and on gchat she tells me 'I think we're too close, too close for me anyway' and 'that's the reason why I had to move out'. We were both a bit drunk but I just got the feeling she was stopping herself from telling me something...and I'm not sure how to deal with that.

I'm straight and she knows that, and she's told me that she's fallen for a lot of her straight friends over the years. This girl means the world to me, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through my first year here if it wasn't for her and I sure as hell don't want to lose her as a friend. But I'm worried that this is going to make things awkward, just even the tension that's between us now as a result. I don't want her to feel like she has to isolate herself from me and I'd be seriously devastated if she did. Should I broach anything or just wait to see if it passes? Or is it all in my head???

Any advice would be great...

LegacyUser

Anyone...?

Taltos

OP - chances are your gut is right here.
Your friend has developed feelings for you beyond friendship.

There is also a good chance this might become awkward for you both since you don't have the same feelings for her in return.
I am not sure how to avoid this - all you can do is control how you react to her - just keep on treating her as you always treated her I guess - but stay away from that line of being over affectionate - it might just give her false hope, also don't rub her nose in any relationships you are in.

There might be a few ways to approach this.
1. Ignore it - hope that she will just deal with her emotions herself. This route is easiest on you but this also runs the risk of her removing herself from your life if she is truly infactuated with you and cannot move on.
2. Discuss it - while sober - there are a few ways to bring it up - but whatever you do you need to try to keep this talk level and calm. Keep stressing the importance of your friendship and even how much like a sister she is to you - familial ties or references can be useful to break the physical attraction.
3. Wait for her to bring it up - could happen any time - but if she starts when drinking this will be laden with emotion and could also end badly.

No matter what you decide though you might have to accept that for her own emotional health - if she is unable to accept your relationship as purely platonic she might just have to stop being friends - maybe for a few weeks or even longer.

Hope you can both work this out. Just one final thing - whatever you do don't show any pity - kick in the teeth for most people...

I am a friend

I don't think you need to have a big chat with her. I think you need to suddenly come up with a guy you fancy and that will put an end to it.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the wise words. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, as all my friends over here are also her friends, and she's only 'out' to about half of them. Not to mention the weirdness it would create for everyone and I don't want to be the cause of that, or jeopardise my friend's other friendships or happiness etc.

Taltos, I'm very tempted to go with option 1 - ignore it and wait for the feelings to dissipate. I feel very selfish in that though, because I know that bringing this up with her would very possibly end her contact with me - she's very sensitive, in general and in particular about her sexuality - a lot of issues to deal with surrounding the whole thing and I'm nearly 100% sure she'd cut me off from her if I brought it up. She'd be mortified I think. I really, really can't stress enough how much I don't want to lose her as a friend. She's my best friend over here and sort of the nucleus for my social life. I work long hours and have a few personal issues that are making life a little tough for me right now and she is the friend who is always there, who calls me every day and drags me out when I haven't seen anyone in a while. Losing her friendship would be devastating to be honest.

Iamafriend - I've dated several guys over here and she's known about them, doesn't seem to have made a difference. My love life is a bit of a disaster actually and she's listened with amusement to some of my anecdotes about guys I've been seeing, no jealousy or anything. I'm just wondering why all of a sudden now she decides that she feels something for me - we're friends since college, about eight years now, we've been like sisters in all that time and this has never been an issue. I was the first person she came out to - the actual first person she ever told in her life - when we came over here a year ago, she had a meltdown of sorts and I helped her through in a way - I'm wondering if she's misconstruing the closeness that she felt towards me as a result of that for something more?

I really, really don't know what to do. I feel like I have two options - say something and have her isolate herself from me and never talk to me again, or ignore and deal with her cryptic messages and forward comments when she's drunk. Like the last night while we were having drinks, a third mate was there and I left with him instead of sticking around because I was worried it would get weird...and on gchat she asked me 'why did you leave?' I just feel so uncomfortable at the prospect of dealing with that kind of weirdness for the next while, it's not right.

Sunflower I think you're right, maybe I should say something. I'm nearly second-guessing myself now though and thinking - am I blowing this out of proportion? What if it is just a passing crush and I end up losing a great friendship over it because I made a big deal out of it? And what would I even say???

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I know it's hard but we've all been in a situation when we like someone who doesn't like us (that way) back. The best thing you can do is continue on as normal. It is normal and a part of life that a crush might develop. You get on well, you enjoy eachothers company

If she brings it up be nice but firm. But do tell her that you value your friendship and would hate that to disappear. I've been in similar situations with different results. Some it was too difficult and others we moved on and remained great friends.
One more thing it may be useful to talk to her about guys you like, a normal friend does that. It reinforces your sexual preference and ask her about girls and her sex life.

BEst of luck

parrai

whattodowhattodo wrote: »

Hi,

Going unreg.

I'm female, living abroad with a group of friends, one of whom I lived with until recently. I'm closest to her and she's one of my best friends, a really great, funny, awesome girl. She's also gay, just recently came out.

Anyway towards the end of our lease we decided to live separately, were having some issues. Towards the end of the summer the bad air between us began to dissipate (just different people in a living setting, which caused a bit of tension and friction over the year, friendship still in tact). We were getting on like a house on fire again, heading out on the p1ss together, talks in the park, all the rest. She'd start getting really affectionate and tactile with me, not a prob, she's that kind of person anyway. But just started saying things that made me think she was feeling more. Half-jokingly say things like 'oh it's because I'm in love with you', 'you'd be my type out of our circle of friends', 'I've started putting things off just so I can come home to you and we can have our chats' etc.

Anyway. We both moved to our new places and I have seen far, far less of her since, we're still in contact but I just felt like she was slightly colder to me ever since. Last night we went out for a few drinks and it was great, like old times. Then we come home and on gchat she tells me 'I think we're too close, too close for me anyway' and 'that's the reason why I had to move out'. We were both a bit drunk but I just got the feeling she was stopping herself from telling me something...and I'm not sure how to deal with that.

I'm straight and she knows that, and she's told me that she's fallen for a lot of her straight friends over the years. This girl means the world to me, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through my first year here if it wasn't for her and I sure as hell don't want to lose her as a friend. But I'm worried that this is going to make things awkward, just even the tension that's between us now as a result. I don't want her to feel like she has to isolate herself from me and I'd be seriously devastated if she did. Should I broach anything or just wait to see if it passes? Or is it all in my head???

Any advice would be great...

Would you not tell her the way you have expressed it here, I think it's fantastic the way you have told this story, really genuine...

I think she values your relationship just as much as you... I think it would be a crime for two people who seem to get on so well, break up a great friendship (with so much respect on your part from what I have read) without having a talk about it...

I like Taltos' No. 2 option...