boyfriend of 10 years- doesnt know if he wants ro get married

cathy1

hello all,

i am new to this kind of thing, but i am at a loss at what to do, and i need some much needed advice.

myself and bf have been going out for 10 years.i was 16 when i started going out with him and he was 17. i know mental!!!! any way about 2 years ago we built a house near my family and we moved in, my parents loved him as much as i did and the same with his. we both come from the same area and both parents are friendly with each other. we both love each other and he is a wonderful guy, i know him inside out and the same with him.

in the middle of building the house my bf lost his job, this was a shock at the time, but we muddled threw. he has just atarted a new job now , which is great but he was out of work for 2 years

anyway last august his little brother got engaged to his long term girlfriend
this was a complete shock for me and i admit i took it badly . i always thought my self and bf would do it first and it really brought home to me about where were we headed!!! we had of course talked about marraige and we both wanted it, but with him out of a job, a new house and with one income we could not afford it!! it made me think would it ever happen for us and we were not getting any younger .also all freinds and family were awkard around us afterwards which made it hard

this but a huge strain on our relationship as i wanted to know would marraige be in the next year or two. he strarted going out more and more. i confronted him one eve and he said he didnt know what he wanted and he wasnt happy in the house with me, and in the end we broke up that was last oct. i was very upset as i thought that what ever problems we had we could sort them out.

he left and moved in with his parents. his family and mine were totally shocked as we were nine years going out. this was huge!!!!!
my family seeing me upset went on protective mode and blamed bf for everything, even though i told them it was as much mine as it was his.

we got back together this march, but family now dont like him, especially my parents they HATE him and never wanted me to see him again. we did talk about all the issuse before we got back and i thought we had sorted it.

he moved back in and it was very hard as my family would not speck to him , this i know was hard for him and for me. i told him in march that i would like to get engaged by the end of this year and he seemed fine with that. my family have slowly come round, expect my parents.

the problem is his father brought up the topic of engagements last week and since then things have not been good, he has now told me that marraige is not that important to him, when i asked did he see himself married , he said he did, but not for a while yet. he says he loves me but he is soooo scared of getting married and what if it does not work out , he is afriad that he will do the wrong thing and my family will go mental.but he said he would have a child quicker than get married. which i think is a bigger commitment.

when i asked what he saw in the future he said "i dont know"
when i asked him did he want to marry me in future. he said " i dont know"

everything is " i dont know " now!!

i suggested that he good to conselling to try and figure out what he wanted and he agreed

but what should i do now???

he was ok a few months ago, but i feel the nearer it gets to end of year the more agaited he gets. i dont want to pressure him , into proposing, but i dont think i am been pushy in asking when are we taking the next step.
also i dont know is it because if we were to get engaged he knows my parents would not be too impressed.

i am afraid i am wasting my time and i am not getting any younger.

please anyone with advice or was in the same suitation , let me know what you think

Whynotme

I know its probably not what you want to hear, but he seems to have left the relationship already. Honestly, if he doesn't know after 10 yrs together he never will.

Sit down and lay your cards on the table. What you want from him, and that is a committed relationship and marraige. If that doesn't go with his plans tell him to move out. Start living a life for yourself. You were very young getting together and you need to see what being young is like. You don't want to force him into marraige, it won't work if you do.

Get your friends together and go out and enjoy yourself. You survived your previous breakup so you know that you can do it.

The Princess Bride

Cathy.
You are both still so so young.Please remember that.
Maybe you are telling your friends and family too much?
What happens between you and your boyfriend is between you both- it sounds to me as if he has a bit of cabin fever,what with you wanting marriage and your family living next door.

Could it be that he was happy with his life, then started to question everything when he lost his job.Perhaps he felt under pressure from himself to provide this dream life for you both?The 2 years spent not working was a lot of time to be doing a lot of thinking-maybe too much thinking?

Take time to get to know what each other wants and forget the friends and relations.Get your relationship back on track ,March was only 7 months ago,you "told" him you wanted to be engaged .....did he really want this or was he only trying to please you.

Bottom line?You both need to start communicating again.

The Princess Bride

Cathy.
You are both still so so young.Please remember that.
Maybe you are telling your friends and family too much?
What happens between you and your boyfriend is between you both- it sounds to me as if he has a bit of cabin fever,what with you wanting marriage and your family living next door.

Could it be that he was happy with his life, then started to question everything when he lost his job.Perhaps he felt under pressure from himself to provide this dream life for you both?The 2 years spent not working was a lot of time to be doing a lot of thinking-maybe too much thinking?

Take time to get to know what each other wants and forget the friends and relations.Get your relationship back on track ,March was only 7 months ago,you "told" him you wanted to be engaged .....did he really want this or was he only trying to please you.

Bottom line?You both need to start communicating again.

Abi

Cathy you've both been through a lot over the last while, building a house can be very stressful and a it's a big commitment in itself. I expect he's overwhelmed by the whole thing, and more or less now on orders you've to be engaged by the end of the year.

Take a step back. Breathe. Assess what you already have with him, a man who loves you, and a no doubt a lovely home. I think you feel a bit jealous that the brother and the girlfriend have gotten engaged before you, why do you feel the need to keep up with the Jones'? Theres no rule book to say who does what first, you move at a pace thats agreeable to you both.

He may decide further down the line that he's willing to get married, but there are a lot of people like him that are afraid of the very word. It's not YOU he had the problem with.

I think you have yourself in a bit of a fluster about all of this. If I were you I'd take this off the table for a little while, as I said, you've been through a lot lately and it's only putting a strain on your relationship. It's perfectly acceptable to want an idea of how your life is to map out, but so much has been happening of late. And as another poster said, it was only in March this year you got back together. Strengthen the relationship first, communicate with each other, and try to repair relations between him and your parents. Would you really want a wedding where your parents aren't happy to give you away?

Rather than galloping for the finish line, sit back and take stock of how far you've come instead Cathy.

I am a friend

Don't agree with Abi - if he doesn't know after 10 years, a house, living together and a break up then he never will.

Op he can't even say he will be ready in 2 years so why would you wait round for him to waste your time deciding on your future....

Too many girls hand over the reins of their future to guys who won't commit... You want marriage and kids and are entitled, after 10 years to ask for it but you are also entitled to walk away after 10 years if he is not willing to provide it.

Abi

I am a friend wrote:

Too many girls hand over the reins of their future to guys who won't commit... You want marriage and kids and are entitled, after 10 years to ask for it but you are also entitled to walk away after 10 years if he is not willing to provide it.

The part where they split up for a few months tells me they need to work on things before this happens. I certainly wouldn't be in any rush down the aisle when this happened so recently, and certainly no babies.

Miss Fluff

cathy1 wrote: »

i am afraid i am wasting my time

Yes, you are wasting your time. It really is as cut and dried as that hon. The relationship has run its course and it's time for both of you to move on.

He has already attempted to move on once and his inability to commit after ten years means he never will commit. His heart isn't in it anymore and probably if you look really deeply into yourself yours might not be so much either. You haven't once in your post referred to loving him or saying you can't imagine life without him or that he makes your life complete. If anything it's all made to sound like some kind of business arrangement.

I'd cut your losses. You're really young and very few people stay with their first love forever.

Time to move on x

snickerpuss

This sounds really harsh but to be honest I feel that if he really loved you and wanted to marry you he would. He wouldn't say he didn't know. Who would say that to someone they were truly committed to? After 10 years he would know if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. I'm sorry, OP, I really am. He's slowly checking out of this relationship as far as I can see.

jam_mac_jam

Does he have to marry you to show that he loves you. Everyone else seems to be saying that you need to move on but if you are in love why do you have to get married? If you think he doesnt really love you then leave him but maybe he doesnt want to get married.

Abi

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

Does he have to marry you to show that he loves you. Everyone else seems to be saying that you need to move on but if you are in love why do you have to get married? If you think he doesnt really love you then leave him but maybe he doesnt want to get married.

It's for some, and not others I guess. I've a very relaxed attitude to it in general. I got married about 12 years after I met my ex, more or less the same scenario, I met him when I was 16. I got married because I thought it was the next step, what people expected. Within a year I felt trapped and hit a downward spiral, I didn't want to be married to him, and currently in the throes of separation.


I'm not suggesting that this is what would happen to the OP's husband, I'm just saying, a half in hour in the church has bought me years of trouble with a bitter ex.

I don't think the OP should split up with him, just dial it back a bit for now. It's too soon since they got back together in March to be making any big decisions. You can't band aid their problems with a wedding, but I think counseling can help get over what caused it in the split in the first place.

donzenettii

I had one of them, took me most of my life to realize that he would never marry me and was just using me, as to whether he loved me or not I still do not know, I presume not..... get on with your life, cut him loose, there are so many wonderful people out there that will not screw you around. Life is too short to waste on someone who says 'I don't know' when asked about your future, especially when you have been together as long as you have..

Good luck

D

Miss Fluff

The shoe was on the other foot for me. A LTR and I kept stalling and stalling on when we were going to get married. Got together at 22 and finally split at 28 when I realised I really didn't want to marry him ever not just vaguely at some stage "maybe" in the future. If he wanted to marry you you'd be engaged and planning a wedding OP, sorry

LegacyUser

To be fair to him, he didn't string you along. He left you initially because he wasn't sure about marriage. He obviously thought it would be good to get married though because he went back to you. I think what's putting him off is your parents hostility. If I were him, I would hate to be marrying into a family where I know I'm hated.
To be quite honest, your parents sound like complete ********. I think your boyfriend did quite right by leaving you when he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married. Would your parents have preferred if he married you out of pressure, then left you a few years down the line?
Your parents need to grow up and accept your choices. They also need to show your boyfriend the respect he deserves. I think you need to have a very serious talk with oyur parents about their attitude towards your boyfriend, be very certain and clear about your support for him, you can't be vague in that regard.

Giselle

I have to agree with Miss Fluff and the other posters here.

He's had ten years to think of a future with you and he knows what it is you want in the future. He's not willing to give it to you.

Its up to you whether you want to spend the rest of your time with him resenting him not committing how you'd like, or maybe worse, he gives in and you get married - knowing he might have felt cornered into it instead of it being what he wants most in the world.

Ten years is enough time to realise you don't want the same thing. Get out while you're still young and have all the options in front of you.

puffin24

I have to say, I feel a little sorry for your boyfriend. I dont think he was stringing you along and I dont think you should throw away your relationship. He clearly has been under a lot of stress- he was out of work for a long time, while getting a house and moving in with his long term girlfriend right beside parents. This sounds like a lot of pressure. On top of all this, he has the guilt your parents placed on him for your break-up. I think he knew for a long time (and Im talking years) that people would start talking marriage. You dont go out with someone for 10 years and not think about it. But he is probably afraid that if you could break up when you are just going out, what if you broke up after you are married? Its not helping that you are giving this guy, who is still quite young in my opinion, a deadline to propose. The lad is probably sick with worry. I think counselling could help, but easing up on the pressure would help even more. There is no rush! I think everyone should calm down on the wedding talk for a while.

ash23

Wow op, your story was so like mine. Together since 19/20, bought a house at 24, he lost his job just after we bought the house and when he got a new job he started going out more, wasn't sure what he wanted, didn't want to get married, didn't want kids......everything we had planned for was sent down the toilet.
And like you, I blamed myself. Which in hindsight was silly but at the time it was somewhat twisted back on me.

Anyway, long story short, he had left the relationship in all but body. He just didn't have the balls to actually end it.
He actually ended up cheating on me then, with a young girl who I think he is still with now. We split up when we were almost 26 after 6 years.

I'm sorry to say this, because I know it's not what you want to hear but I think it's over and he just doesn't know how to say it.

cathy1

thank you all for your advice, its been very helpful

quick update

i sat him down and we talked , ( thats not easy when your bf is not the talking kind) and it has come to light what the " i dont knows" mean, the reason why he felt he had to leave etc....

i had always thought that it was something to do with how he felt about me, but he has has said that the whole marraige thing, is not something he really wants to do. he loves me to bits , can see me and him having a good life with kids and all, but he is just not ready for marraige!!!!
he knows i want the whole engagement, big wedding, with dress and all, and he does not know if he can give it to me, he said maybe oneday he might want to but not for a while yet!!!

this totally shocked me as i always thought he would want to get married . he knows i am ready now and when his brother got engaged he really saw how ready i was and it freaked him out a she knew he could not give that to me for a long time, if at all. that is why he left. he got back with me cause he truly loved me and that was never the issue and he thought that he would change his mind, but he knows not that wont happen, not for a while. he said he has just got a new job and now has money do things together, he wants us to enjoy life, go on holiday, weekends away etc... as we havent been able to do these things since we started building the house about 2-3 years ago.

now i dont know what to do, he has said i need to ddecide what i want, cause i really love him and can see him as a dad to our kids, but can i handle not getting married for another 4- 5 years, maybe never? can i watch everbody else, friends and family get engaged and married around me and be ok?

the other side is that i am 28 and if we break up i probably wont be married till in am in my 30s and wont have kids till then either

WHAT TO DO??????

Wurly

To be quite honest OP, you have received no new information from your chat with him. So, I would refer again to the advice already cited in this thread. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you do the right thing for yourself.

Just one point to note though. Your logic is flawed here.

the other side is that i am 28 and if we break up i probably wont be married till in am in my 30s and wont have kids till then either

You are NO closer to having a marriage or kids by being with him. He has already said it could be years. So i'd take that as certain to be honest. If you do break up with him, you could potentially have a much higher chance of finding marriage and kids. But i'm not sure what good waiting around will do.. It may NEVER happen with him. It's up to you which odds you decide are better.

ibarelycare

Why is there such an emphasis on getting married? He has told you he wants kids and a future with you, so what difference is a big day out going to make? Being married isn't a guarantee that you're going to stay together forever. You could just as easily break up whether you're married or not. If you love each other, is that not enough?

ash23

ibarelycare wrote: »

Why is there such an emphasis on getting married? He has told you he wants kids and a future with you, so what difference is a big day out going to make? Being married isn't a guarantee that you're going to stay together forever. You could just as easily break up whether you're married or not. If you love each other, is that not enough?

It's important to some people. Marriage would mean a lot to me personally. No, there are no guarantees but I wouldn't personally be satisfied with a relationship that wasn't going to end in marriage.
Some people are perfectly content not getting married, others feel it is significant.
Seems like OP thinks it is significant and she needs to decide how important it is to her because it's unlikely she will ever have that with her current partner.

OP, I'm sorry but you are the only one who can decide if this is a deal breaker.

LittleBook

cathy1 wrote: »

he said he has just got a new job and now has money do things together, he wants us to enjoy life, go on holiday, weekends away etc... as we havent been able to do these things since we started building the house about 2-3 years ago.

This would explain a lot to me and would make perfect sense if he hadn't said:

cathy1 wrote: »

he would have a child quicker than get married

You want "the big wedding" which would probably cost a lot of money while it appears he's only just reached a point where he's feeling financially secure and ready to enjoy life with some money behind him.

In fact, I suspect he was calling your bluff when he said he'd have a child quicker than he'd get married. It's true, you can do all of the things he wants to if you're married, but I also suspect that you (and maybe him too) would expect to have a baby as soon as possible after the wedding.

So, to me, it appears that he simply wants to enjoy his freedom (with you) and he's not ready for the financial implications of a wedding (and a baby soon thereafter).

LegacyUser

After 10 years with someone it is time to decide if you are going to get married or should you split up.
Your boyfriend broke up with you, went back to you and after 10 years won't commit to you even though he knows you want to get married. I am sorry but at this stage he wants a home, sex and love but is not willing to make any long term commitment to you. I would not bring up the marriage thing any longer to him. I would go to a solicitor and find out your rights in regards to the house. I would then tell your boyfriend what you want to do with the house as it is time for you to move on with your life. You are only in your late 20's and why should you waste anymore time on your boyfriend when he does not want what you want. I know quite a few girls who were in a similar position to you and they met new men who wanted marriage and families. I watched one friend of mine have a guy brake up with her a few weeks before they were due to get married. She went back with him after this but soon knew that it was going no where. She started to go out with her friends and met a new man. They got married 2 years after meeting each other. Due to some problems they had ivf and had a baby a while ago. It won't be easy saying good bye but it will get easier once you know that you are moving on to have the life you want long term.

Bull76

If you've been together and enjoying life for such a long time and are happy, really happy with each other then go to a registery office and have your piece of paper.
You seemed to go into overdrive once some one else in the family got engaged. why?
If you don't love him then dump him, straight up. I don't see the point in pushing for a big wedding dress and all for what? Cause really it is only a piece of paper.
He has been under stress, loss of job, no money and how does he provide. This is what he put himself under. He once to do life with you but your not happy with that. Your call really at the end of the day.

I'll get nothing but hassle for this but thats life.

LegacyUser

You have gotten one new piece of information from the chat, that after the pressure of building and moving he wants to have some fun again.
If, and it must be a big if, you can put this question on hold for a set period of time, say 6 months and just have fun. Don't tell him this is what you're thinking. Just book holidays, go out, remember why you were together. Building houses and the pressure of following the path of 'the done thing' can ruin a good thing.

At the end of that, you need to reflect again and see if you are still happy with the relationship and then talk to him again. At that point you need to be willing to ask whether you should break up and accept the answer too.

ibarelycare

smart lady wrote: »

After 10 years with someone it is time to decide if you are going to get married or should you split up.
Your boyfriend broke up with you, went back to you and after 10 years won't commit to you even though he knows you want to get married. I am sorry but at this stage he wants a home, sex and love but is not willing to make any long term commitment to you. I would not bring up the marriage thing any longer to him. I would go to a solicitor and find out your rights in regards to the house. I would then tell your boyfriend what you want to do with the house as it is time for you to move on with your life. You are only in your late 20's and why should you waste anymore time on your boyfriend when he does not want what you want. I know quite a few girls who were in a similar position to you and they met new men who wanted marriage and families. I watched one friend of mine have a guy brake up with her a few weeks before they were due to get married. She went back with him after this but soon knew that it was going no where. She started to go out with her friends and met a new man. They got married 2 years after meeting each other. Due to some problems they had ivf and had a baby a while ago. It won't be easy saying good bye but it will get easier once you know that you are moving on to have the life you want long term.

He is committed to her, he said he wants to stay with her, have a family with her. Marriage isn't the only way of committing to someone you know. He doesn't believe in marriage and that should be respected. One person in the relationship wants to get married, one person doesn't but they're both committed to each other, they just need to come to some sort of compromise. If having a big white dress and an expensive day out is more important to the OP than being in a relationship with someone she loves then she should leave him.

I am a friend

No he is kicking for touch and trying to drip feed her enough to keep her so HE gets what HE wants.

Op would you want to have kids with someone who doesn't want to marry you?