Lost it with housemate last night and not sure how to make amends.

Eve_Dublin

I've posted about this before on various forums here on Boards (some of you might remember) but I've been living with my friend/housemate for over a year now and I'm finally moving out at the end of the month into my own place.

This year living together has been challenging to say the least. She has a boyfriend who she fights with constantly (almost daily) and on a number of occasions, I've been in the flat and it's been excruciatingly uncomfortable. Recently, I was in my bedroom and her boyfriend called around. They were fighting in her bedroom across from mine and had her door open...she mustn't have known I was there but because what they were saying was so private, I had to hide in my bedroom for an hour and a half to save them the embarrassment. Stupid thingt to do in hindsight I know but there you go. She has fights with him on her phone and I mean screaming at him down the line and although it's in her bedroom, I feel uneasy. As I'm her only good friend here, it's always me who has to cheer her up and try and make her see some sense but nothing I say has any effect. She has no one else to talk to and I feel sorry for her. She's upset all the time.

Anyway, herself and her boyfriend have been fighting all weekend via telephone and again in the sitting room on saturday (and I had to go out just to get away from it) and last night she knocked on my door and told me he'd be calling round again. I answered, "You won't be arguing again, will you?" and she got upset and slammed the door of her bedroom. I knocked on her bedroom door to explain where I was coming from but she called me tactless and rude. I've been so patient with this woman (she's 40 years old by the way) that I'm incredibly pissed off that she turns this on me. She's no ignoring me making it even more uncomfortable to be here.

Besides from all this, she is a friend and I care about her. Generally we get on great and she's lots of fun (then could just burst into tears all of a sudden). I feel she's ruining her life pinning all her hopes and dreams on this guy who won't deliver. Another point, my boyfriend saw him with another woman at the beginning of the year and although it's not conclusive, I really wouldn't be surprised if he was....he's a renowned womanizer (this is why they fight so much). I know it's absolutely none of my business but she makes it my business when she brings it to the flat and loads all her worries aboutt he relationship on me every day or two (it's draining).

I can be a little direct sometimes and I know my tone can be a little insensitive sometimes, only because I generally take no crap in my own life from anyone, so I want to explain to her why I'm annoyed about this situation with her boyfriend (the fighting in the apartment and also unloading all her woes on me but not taking ANYTHING I say on board) in a tactful way. The direct, honest approach doesn't work with her so I need to be sensitive about it. Can you guys please advice me how to go about this? In spite of all this, I do value her friendship and wouldn't want to lose it.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

You haven't been direct enough OP. I would have read her the riot act by now. What she is doing is outrageous and extremely selfish.

To be honest you haven't handled it too well either. Your behaviour has let her think her carry on is ok. Hiding in your own home and leaving to give them free run of the place to shout their heads off. I'm sure the neighbours aren't too impressed.

She would have had a piece of my mind long ago. She calls YOU rude and tactless? Unbelievable.

Stand up for yourself OP. Don't pay any attention if she cries or calls you rude. She is trying to manipulate you. She has no respect for you.

Miss Fluff

I'm sorry Eve but this lady is a total attention-seeking, high-maintenance nightmare. If I had a friend about whom I was driven to start a number of threads about over the course of the year I'd seriously be re-evaluating the friendship to be quite honest.

You share living space with her (thankfully for not much longer) and yet she dictates the mood of the house and is totally disrespectful and selfish. How dare she behave like that - and at forty?! Wtf?

While I get that you want to be sensitive here I think that the problem with this lady is that she's evidently been pussy-footed around her entire life which in turn gives her carte blanche to behave like a rude and inconsiderate numpty. I'd actually have it out with her once and for all and tell her to cop herself on and start acting her age. I'd also refuse in future to discuss this boyfriend of hers. Tell her you don't want to talk about her relationship again - you're only fuelling the fire.

make amends for what? being uncomfortable?

ignore her

Ben Hadad

It is important for you to know that you are not to blame for her being angry at you. What you did was totally reasonable and it was her who acted selfishly and was rude to you. She owes you an apology.

Whilst this is difficult for you to realise as you do genuinely care about the person, as an outsider albeit it with the limited information you have provided, I can tell you this is the fact of the matter.

As a friend and a house mate it is not your responsibility to provide respite for your friend especially as she appears to be the sole cause of all her problems. What she ultimately probably needs to become is less self centered, and far more understanding. That is her journey to take not yours to guide her there.

She also appears to use her theatrical emotions breakdowns as a means to manipulate people to do what she wants. Don't let her. Remember always she is in the wrong and you are in the right, until you see a concerted change in her behavior.

Maybe try and speak to her about it if you care about her that much however I wouldn't hold out too much hope with these types of people as they are generally bat-**** crazy and ultimately don't care about anyone but themselves.

Neyite

Eve, I really dont see that you did anything wrong. She comes across as being overly dramatic and you are her "audience"

I know you want to preserve a friendship but there comes a time where you have to stand firm so as not to get walked over. I would personally let her off until she calms down a bit and then you should get the apology for her antics.

You say you are her only friend - if so, she should be doing her best to make amends to you.

Eve_Dublin

Yeah I hear what you're all saying. It's going to be a lot easier once I'm out of here. We're supposed to be having a party on Friday as a last hoopla before I go but also because we intended to have one for ages but never got round to it. I invited a load of people I knew on Facebook and she did the same. Most of my friends accepted and almost none of hers and now she doesn't want to have the party anymore (I know, I know...even writing this I'm seeing the light). I at least wanted to get along with her until the party comes along, at least be civil for the sake of the people coming so we can enjoy ourselves but I can't see how this is going to solve itself without me making the first move.

I know what you're all saying and I'd love to give it to her and tell her exactly how I feel but (and I know what you're going to say), I feel sorry for her still. She's no other good friends here, she's having a life crisis because of her age and she's thousands of miles from home. I don't want to be the one to kick her when she's down. I can't do that. Usually I can stand up for myself no problem. She realises she has issues and I've told her a million times to go see a counsellor here (even sending an email off on her behalf).

If I ignore her, it's going to be awkward at this party. I don't see how this can be resolved without losing her as a friend and in spite of all this, I don't want that.

Arghhhh I really don't know what to do. Sick to the teeth of this situation...it's literally been one whole year of it.

Edit: By the way, I suppose you could say I'm scared of her and her emotions. I grew up in a volatile household when I was younger and can't handle that kind of emotion from anyone. I actually feel genuine fear...probably more fear than is normal. I hate being the one to provoke that reaction in anyone.

Eve_Dublin

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

She's no other good friends here, she's having a life crisis because of her age and she's thousands of miles from home.

In a situation like that she should be tending to the friendship she has and holding onto it. Instead she's putting everything into her boyfriend and taking her frustrations out on you.

Throw the party, tell her she should try to make a good night of it. She probably wont, but you'll have done more than your duty to her, and should rest easy in knowing she's made her own bed and she can damn well lie in it.

Miss Fluff

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Arghhhh I really don't know what to do. Sick to the teeth of this situation...it's literally been one whole year of it

Do not apologise, you did nothing wrong. Be friendly and civil and by all means keep the peace until the party on Friday but I'd then be cutting my losses. She is using her volatility to bully you and to treat you terribly. I understand that you come across as very kind and feel sorry for her but some people genuinely can't be helped and if she's not prepared to seek professional help she can't continue to use you and anyone else in her vicinity as emotional punchbags. You sound a little fearful of her and that's not a healthy dynamic for any friendship.

Eve_Dublin

true-or-false wrote: »

In a situation like that she should be tending to the friendship she has and holding onto it. Instead she's putting everything into her boyfriend and taking her frustrations out on you.

Throw the party, tell her she should try to make a good night of it. She probably wont, but you'll have done more than your duty to her, and should rest easy in knowing she's made her own bed and she can damn well lie in it.

You're right. I think this is what I'll do. Be civil but that's it. That's all I can do without completely losing it (and I've completely lost it with her in the past). This is going to be an awkward few weeks.

LegacyUser

Look OP, she has no friends because she's an asshat. It's not your job to rehabilitate her. She'll just drain you and she won't be grateful.

Self preservation is all you can do here.

I know you are freaked out by the conflict but cowering and trying to humour her won't make it any better. There are no prizes in this life for being the best doormat I'm afraid.

You have had the patience of a saint. Now is the time to get tough with her. If she doesn't want the party that's her problem. I think you need to stop giving this person your energy.

Neyite

Yeah, its pointless and childish to ignore her too. Be polite and civil, continue to do what you used to do - eg offer her a cuppa if you are making one.

That makes it harder for someone to continue "not talking" to you without them looking like a stupid idiot.

Ainekav

I had a similar situation with a housemate and her family member. Fighting on the phone all the time. Screaming, and I mean, screeeaming... Walking around the whole house - not confined to her own room. Had to lock myself into my room each time aswell. To be honest I was too nice to lay down the law, and I suppose I identified with her not getting along with the family member cos I had some experience of this also.

In hindsight it was SO inconsiderate and rude on her part - the first time it happened I should have told her that theres a time and a place, and a volume. Its hard to be that direct though especially when someone has the added stress of not getting along with boyfriend etc.

But I am positive that if I had told my housemate more sternly or directly she would have respected my wishes and seen the error of her ways. Your housemate is completely ignoring your (albeit too subtle) complaints.

And it doesn't sound like you "lost it" to be honest either. She sounds very manipulative. I would distance myself from anything to do with her and her boyfriend and make it clear that her behaviour is not on. As hard as it may be...

curlzy

Hey OP,

I've seen your posts in other forums and you've always struck me as quite sensible and strong. However, you seem to be letting go of that in this instance, at the end of the day you're martyring yourself for what is ultimately an immature drama queen. And I totally get the feeling sorry for her, I've put up with major **** in the past on the same basis and I can tell you hands down you won't ever get thanked for it, it's quite shocking really how these people can be so deluded as to actually blame you for their ****. So Eve I would suggest you stop listening you your heart and listen to your head, you know yourself you're being a fool for this girl so go back to being strong and sensible, have your party and be civil, then move to your new headache-free home. If after that she wants to apologise maybe give her another go but I would do it on the priviso that she not talk about her "relationship". I've been friends with girls that go out with kn*ckers and then expect you to be all supportive because their heart is broken. It's like someone that drinks straight from the kettle and then cries about a burnt tongue. Life is way too short for this type of drama.

Best of luck.