How to tell someone about a trauma

LegacyUser

Something happened to me when I was younger that left me a bit traumatised. I've only ever told 2 people about it - one was someone online that I trusted at the time, and the other was face to face with my best friend of the time. It's been a while since it happened but there are always small reminders of it that can set me off. Lately this has been happening a lot, and paired with other things I've been very down. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and he knows that there's something in my past that upset me greatly, and he knows about how I feel at the moment. I haven't felt ready to tell him up til now, but now I feel that I have to tell him or else I'll explode with this. Last night on the phone I started crying about this but couldn't tell him. I want to talk to him about it the next time I see him privately because it's eating at me. The problem is I don't know how to say it. I'm afraid I'll get really upset, or that I might even get sick. I'm also afraid of his reaction. It's not something that would make him think ill of me, but it is to do with a member of my family, and I'm afraid his opinion of them will change. I don't want him to resent that person, even I don't feel that way all the time. So how can I tell him what's bothering me?

meoklmrk91

I went through something when I was younger that left me scarred as well so I know what you are going through. I have only told a few people myself as I don't really like anyone knowing about it as I feel it is my business.

It all depended with other people when I told them, some reacted differently the others, some even behaved as though I had just told them the weather forecast however I don't think they did it to hurt me, it was just their way of processing it.

If you feel that it is the right time to tell your boyfriend and you feel you can trust him then do. He obviously knows something is up so next time you are with him alone sit down with him, take a deep breath and tell him. There really is no right or wrong way to do these things, you just have to go with the flow and stay in the moment. If you get upset, you get upset there is nothing you can do about it, it was clearly very traumatic and you have a right to be upset.

Without knowing your boyfriend and the situation I doubt anyone could have the foggiest with regards to his reactions, and even then it would be hard to predict, however if he reacts badly and holds it against your family member there isn't much you can do about it except to tell him that you don't hold it against them and you would appreciate if he did the same. It will however be difficult because when you love someone seeing them hurt is horrible especially when you have to try and not hold it against the person who did the hurting.

This is tough stuff OP, I wish you all the best.

Lisha

hi i not sure exactly what to say. I m just going to offer my opinion based on knowing some people very close to me that have childhood trauma s also,

If it s affecting your day to day life then possibly counselling is needed. I say this with the best of intention. Your oh could also have some part in this .

It s too much to carry on your own, the benifit of 3rd party counselling is that you just see it as part of thier job.

Also it is very possible that this trauma will no longer be a part of your daily life. some days it will affect you worse than others.

Do seek help in what ever way you can . You deserve to have a happy relaxed full future.

Best wishes to you

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you both for your replies. I have considered counselling in the past but to be honest, it doesn't affect me all the time. It's just now and again it flares up and there seem to be periods of time where it happens more often than others. This is one of those times at the moment. So it doesn't affect my day to day life as such. It used to when the issue was still occurring but it's stopped now. If it continues to bother me in the future I may look into it but for now as long as I have someone to confide in I should be okay.

Another thing I'm worried about is whether I should say it outright or let him put 2 and 2 together. If I go with the latter, I know what I'd say and there'd be no chance of him getting the wrong end of the stick. I think I might be better off that way as I wouldn't have to actually say it. But then I wonder if saying it would help me to overcome it and I'm not sure what to do.

Chinafoot

OP, would you consider writing it down? Perhaps write him a letter telling what you've been through and how it can affect you. Be with him when he reads it and, if you're not comfortable with him having the letter, he can give it back to you.

You know yourself that you do need to tell him as it's affecting you at the moment and will no doubt have a knock-on effect for your relationship.

I hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

I've considered writing it down but I don't think I could do it. It sort of ties in with the fear of saying it outright - I wouldn't be able to write the exact details down. It is definitely a very good idea but I don't think it's the best option in this case. As you said I'd be worried about him having the letter, and if he gave it back to me I'd be worried then that someone in the family would find it.

Thank you all again for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

LegacyUser

OP,
I've been in a similar situation and its terrifying having to tell someone something that personal to you.
In my own experience, I told my boyfriend (now husband ) and he found it very difficult to come to terms with. He had a hard time not resenting the family member who was responsible but he respected my decision and made the effort for my sake. IMO if i can forgive it when it happened to me, then I expect others to do the same FOR MY SAKE!!
Every situation is different and everyone you tell thinks they are the ones that have the solution (guards, counselling, confronting the person responsible, etc). But it happened to YOU...so its up to you how you deal with it.
I considerd counselling but decided that I dont want to pursue that...yet. I might change my mind in the future. Do whats right for you.
I found that telling my boyfriend helped me a lot. He understood that sometimes that was what was on my mind and i needed to talk (and talk and talk!) about it and that what I needed him to do was listen, not judge, not rush in trying to be my knight in shining armour, but just to listen and try to understand my point of view.
I still have days where it feels like I cant get my head around what happened but it doesnt happen too often now.
What helped me was finally realising that what happened to me was NOT my fault and that while i couldnt change what happened, i could change how i dealt with it. I decided I didnt want to be seen as a victim or to be pitied, as far as i was concerned, what i had been through made me a stronger person and I deserved respect for that not pity.
Please do whats right for you...if your struggling and need help, dont be ashamed to reach out for it, its not a weakness. it just shows you have the strength to know what you need to help get through a difficult time.
friends who havent been in a situation like mine find it dificult to comprehend how i could forgive the person responsible. But i've told them, it happened to me, i'l decide whats right for me to do.
Also, bear in mind that when you tell someone...its new to them even tho you've been going through it all for a long time. so dont let their initial reaction stress you too much...as a previous post says, most people dont know how to react/deal with this.
I hope this helps and if you need a someone to talk to...well i'm a good listener.
Take care x

tenchi-fan

Op, you've already told two people. You can tell your boyfriend, and you possibly should tell him.

He already knows there's a problem in your past and by telling him what it is he will be able to give you support.

However, he will not be able to heal your problem. And when it "flares up" in future there's a chance that you end up offloading the same hurt over and over.

For this reason I think you should strongly consider seeking professional help.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your kind words onofakind, your post is very helpful!

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Op, you've already told two people. You can tell your boyfriend, and you possibly should tell him.

He already knows there's a problem in your past and by telling him what it is he will be able to give you support.

However, he will not be able to heal your problem. And when it "flares up" in future there's a chance that you end up offloading the same hurt over and over.

For this reason I think you should strongly consider seeking professional help.

I understand what you're saying, but it's been a very long time since I talked to those people about it, and I'm not in contact with either of them any more. I told them at a time when the problem was ongoing, so it affected me differently then. Because of that, it feels like telling someone for the first time now. I know that I can do it and that I have to, but it is difficult.

I also see where you're coming from when you suggest professional help, and it is a very good point. As I've said previously, it may be an option in the future, but it isn't at the moment. One of the big reasons as well as the ones I've already outlined is money, there's no way I could afford counselling even if I did want it presently.

LegacyUser

have you considered showing him your post?
or maybe sitting him down and saying 'you know i havent been myself lately and i would really like to tell you why but i'm concerned what your reaction will be. I would appreciate if you would try really hard not to be confronatational or angry with the person involved as this will not help me and will make me feel worse. I need you to listen to me and support my decisions on this'
then tell him...at least then he will know what ways you dont want him to react which from your original post was one of your concerns?

Whynotme

Don't discount writing it down. You can do it in your own time, at your pace. Not only will it be there for him to read, it is a fantastic way to acknowledge how events have affected you.

Google low cost counselling. It doesn't cost a fortune but is well worth it. You will feel such relief when confronting the past and it will help to give you the confidence to move on.

If you are with your boyfriend a year I would reckon he knows you well and will listen and be there for you. Don't let the past ruin your future by keeping important stuff away from someone who cares about you.

BBDBB

Whilst I can guess at your issue and the reason for your reluctance to tell your bf I am not able to empathise the way others can on that exact issue

What I can offer is some practical advice

firstly do write it down in bullet point format so that you start to get it down in a structure that will allow you to deliver exactly what you want to deliver without saying something you dont want to or saying it in a way you dont mean. So consider them to be speakers notes rather than a letter.

secondly Id think about the "rules of engagement" you will need for this to happen as smoothly as possible, for example, the words are my own obviously but the idea is you can be explicit about what you want from teh other person and how you would like them to behave



ok Fred, you can probably tell there is something on my mind, something that is eating away at me and I am feeling increasingly the need to share it with you. The reason for my reluctance will become clear when I tell you what it is. But what I need from you is to sit there in silence and let me get through it no matter how I may be reacting or behaving. If I cry or become tearful and incomprehensible, I just need you to sit there/cuddle me/be patient

Can I ask you to do that for me Fred? pause and wait for him to give you that assurance

The second thing I need from you is a mature reaction, it may shock you and you may want to get angry, I understand that anger but out of your love for me I ask you to not act on it and come to terms with the past the way I have, will you do that for me? will you promise me

Good luck OP:)

LegacyUser

OP here. Showing him my post wouldn't really make a difference, there's nothing in here that I haven't already revealed to him really.

Thank you everyone again, you've all provided some very helpful words and advice, I really do appreciate it I didn't even know this forum existed until a week or so ago, and I'm very impressed with the help I've gotten, so thank you very much.

Also this is just sort of directed at BBDBB, and probably others too - I think I know what your guess is about what the issue at hand is, but it actually isn't what you think. In fact, it's not really something you'd guess, but it is still a big issue for me

BBDBB

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. Showing him my post wouldn't really make a difference, there's nothing in here that I haven't already revealed to him really.

Thank you everyone again, you've all provided some very helpful words and advice, I really do appreciate it I didn't even know this forum existed until a week or so ago, and I'm very impressed with the help I've gotten, so thank you very much.

Also this is just sort of directed at BBDBB, and probably others too - I think I know what your guess is about what the issue at hand is, but it actually isn't what you think. In fact, it's not really something you'd guess, but it is still a big issue for me

fair enough, I wasnt trying to be clever or anything, just trying to introduce my thoughts

good luck anyway

LegacyUser

BBDBB wrote: »

fair enough, I wasnt trying to be clever or anything, just trying to introduce my thoughts

good luck anyway

Oh no I understand completely, sorry if that last post sounded a bit funny, just wanted to let it be known for the record that it's not whatever it was you were thinking of. Your advice still stands and I really appreciate it, thank you

LegacyUser

OP here again. So tomorrow is the day when I will get a chance to tell him, and I am petrified It's not because I think it's a bad time, I know I have to, but I am really really scared. I haven't been thinking much about it because I don't like to, and now the time has crept up on me. Has anyone got any last minute suggestions on how to calm myself down, or how to handle this? I've read and re-read the advice already posted many times, and I've taken it all into account. But I didn't think I'd be this scared, and tomorrow I'll be even worse. I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here, I just feel so scared

I am a friend

I don't have any advice for you but wanted to post to say I think you are great for being so brave.

Remember this person loves you and will want to be there for you.

Am sending you a hug and my best wishes.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Talked to him about it today, things went better than expected. His reaction was fine, I got very upset but I knew that I would. I still feel like I need to talk to him a bit more about this though. I was able to say the root problem and how it's been affecting me since, but I was finding it very difficult to get words out all day. There's a lot of other stuff I could talk about. I don't know now if I should broach the subject another time, or just leave it with the knowledge that he understands what's going on, because the other stuff isn't relevant at the moment, it's just stuff that might help me deal with this a bit more now that it's finally out in the open after so long. I now understand why people have recommended counselling, I have considered it carefully, but right now it just isn't an option I'm afraid.