Pregnant and separated

LegacyUser

A very difficult situation.
Married less than two years, have a toddler, i am pregnant again with number 2. And we are now separated. My husband wants his freedom, he still wants to go out until every hour of the night, he used to come home at 5 6 am.
He did not expect me to get pregnant so soon, that was his excuse for blind panic, and depression. I actually saw him crying one morning because of it. Now he is 40. Much older than me.
Problem i have now, after settling in my new apartment with my toddler, ireally started to think that i dont want him back? That its just swful, that he would choose freedom over pregnant wife and child. Dont get me wrong, he is a good dad, and never denied his responcibility, but

our relationships suffered a serious breakdown, there are serious trust issues on my part. And although this was always a temporary thing, i now afraid to look inside my soul and see that i dont see our relationships improving, as i will always be afraid of something similar happening, him turning his back on me when i most need him, him choosing his freedom and mates over family.
I dont know.

qwertytlk

Hi, congratulations on your pregnancy.
Firstly, you seem quite confused in your feelings. I get the impression that if your husband was to happier about the pregnancy and more willing to settle down to family life(which in fairness at his age and given his commitments he should be) then you would be more open to trying to sort the relationship out? Perhaps im wrong. Maybe you both need some time apart to work out your feelings. Have you tried to talk to him about what he actually wants? Would you/he consider marriage counselling? Given what you have said it could be a really good thing for your relationship.

greenprincess

Congrats on the baby :-)

It does sound like your husband needs to grow up a little bit. Of course its ok to stay out till all hours on very rare occasions, we all get carried away but all the time? That doesnt really seem fair on you. Perhaps some time apart will help you see what you really want.
Having looked at some friends go through similar situations, although their partners are still in their early 20's, (still no excuse though with a small child at home). I have seem them go back to their partner way to soon, I cant really say much as I have never been in that situation but it just seems they go back because it is the father of their child and they dont want to risk losing them, but maybe they should lose them! I am not sayign you should get a divorce or anything, just take a decent bit of time to really think things through. There is great support out there for single mothers these days and it doesnt mean you wont find the pefect guy for you.
Best of luck

Katgurl

I'm a bit confused, do I understand correctly that:

you are pregnant for the second time and your partner has told you he wants a temporary separation so he can go out on the lash with his mates and have his freedom but after an agreed timeframes he will come back?

You agreed to this but now on reflection you are wondering if you want him back based on his willingness to leave you during such a vulnerable time?

If I have misunderstood then my apologies.

If I am correct then I am not in the least surprised you feel like this. This man is suiting himself and leaving you alone to deal with all the responsibility when you have no other choice. It is unbelieveably selfish.

You need to speak to him and lay it out black and White, not as a threat of him losing you permanently as punishment but that inevitably this immaturity / lack of responsibility and support will damage your view of him irreparably and as a result you may no longer want him.

If he sticks to his guns then you may need to make some tough decisions about whether or not you want to spend your life with someone so unreliable.

There is no reason why you can't still come to an amicable arrangement as two parents who aren't together. While being a single parent may be very daunting it sounds like you are coping tremendously at the moment: managing a toddler while pregnant is no small feat.

Congrats on the second pregnancy by the way.

Abi

nadine278 wrote: »

A very difficult situation.
Married less than two years, have a toddler, i am pregnant again with number 2. And we are now separated. My husband wants his freedom, he still wants to go out until every hour of the night, he used to come home at 5 6 am.
He did not expect me to get pregnant so soon, that was his excuse for blind panic, and depression. I actually saw him crying one morning because of it. Now he is 40. Much older than me.
Problem i have now, after settling in my new apartment with my toddler, ireally started to think that i dont want him back? That its just swful, that he would choose freedom over pregnant wife and child. Dont get me wrong, he is a good dad, and never denied his responcibility, but

our relationships suffered a serious breakdown, there are serious trust issues on my part. And although this was always a temporary thing, i now afraid to look inside my soul and see that i dont see our relationships improving, as i will always be afraid of something similar happening, him turning his back on me when i most need him, him choosing his freedom and mates over family.
I dont know.

He should have sought treatment, not pack up and leave you. It's entirely up to you what you want to do here OP, though I wouldn't be prepared to take him back, but thats just me. You have a rough road ahead of you with two very young children, but I'm sure you'd manage alone if you needed to.

If you are prepared to make a go of it with your husband, two things need to happen. He gets treatment for depression, and you attend marital counseling to repair the damage this has done to your relationship.