Advice need

LegacyUser

Hey guys I'm not sure if this is the right forum to be posting in but it seemed the most appropriate.

Basically me and a few mates went out last night, some of us split after the pub and I went to the George with my friend. She was mad to pull and I was supposed to be meeting me fella there. He never got in but my friend stayed as she had met another mate of ours. I left cos she wanted to pull and hardly needed a gay boy cramping her style with the ladies!

So I end up heading home with me fella and a few mates, we stay up have a few drinks and all head to bed. My friend that I went to the George with doesn't come home (it's half 4 now) and I'm assuming she scored so I didn't really think anything of it.
We both know that the other is fine to get home alone. Or so I thought..

It's about 5am and my bedroom door opens and it's my friend and she's in hysterics. Turns out she got talking to some guy and kissed him (she's lesbian but kisses guys sometimes) and got in a taxi with him and went back to his house.

He started to have sex with her there and she asked him to stop but he wouldn't. Eventually he did stop. But my mate was pretty shaken by the whole thing. She said that she did feel threatened and vulnerable but not to the extent that she was being raped.
I would be of the opinion that if you continue with any sexual act after someone says no that it would constitute some form of assault against that person? She doesn't want to make a big deal out of it and says that he was a nice guy he just got carried away.

I'm really worried about her now as she has a tendency to be low at times and freely admits that she has been depressed at times in her life. One of our friends who doesn't know about it could even tell she wasn't right over the phone today!

I also feel so f£$%king guilty about leaving her in the club. The thing is we've been mates for years always have an unspoken thing about not chasing after each other when we're out. If one of us scores it's just a given that we'll see each other in the morning.

Any advice you guys might have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Miss Fluff

It's unclear as to what advice you're looking for. Are you asking if she was raped? If she should report it? Or are you asking people how to stop feeling guilty? Or you are fearful that she will become depressed? What's the question hon?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

It's unclear as to what advice you're looking for. Are you asking if she was raped? If she should report it? Or are you asking people how to stop feeling guilty? Or you are fearful that she will become depressed? What's the question hon?

Basically all of the above! I don't know what to do or what to say to her. She's been so quiet and withdrawn since it happened. She even said the thought of anyone even touching her makes her feel sick. I just want her to feel better. Just don't know what to do.

Miss Fluff

The sex doesn't sound consensual so yes, it does sound like she was raped. No means no.

Should she report it? That's entirely her choice. I read an astounding statistic recently which I'm not going to misquote but it was a frightening proportion of women do not report rape or sexual assault simply because if it goes to trial it so utterly traumatic for a woman. The argument will be that she went home with him, they will delve into her sexual past, how much she had to drink etc. so she does need to be prepared for that.

I do think she should call the Rape Crisis Centre and talk it through. She needs to talk to someone who is qualified to be able to give her the help and advice she needs at this time. Details are here http://www.drcc.ie/

Please do not feel guilty, it's not your fault. You left your friend in the company of another friend and assumed she would be safe so you've done nothing wrong.

People handle trauma in many different ways. She may choose to internalise all of this and never speak of it again or she may want to talk about it a lot. If you can encourage her to talk about it and to seek help - keep the lines of communication open and be there to support her.

That's all you can do hon. Be a good friend and stop blaming yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that! I'll play it by ear I guess and see how she's dealing with it.
Can't help but feel guilty about it. I hate seeing her unhappy. We've been best friends all through college and have been through an awful lot together in that time. It just happened at the worst possible time, we're both kind of unemployed/underemployed and unhappy with our careers at the moment. She has been doing kind of risky stuff in the last few weeks, much like she said she used to behave in her late teens before coming out. I just hope she'll be ok. I really just want her to be happy with herself.

Neyite

+1 to everything Miss Fluff says.

In addition, I think you should implement safe procedures when you are out - though your friend might not want to go out for a very long time, but you should agree that you tell friends your whereabouts or where you are going, or agree to always see each other home safe.

Its simply not safe for a girl out on her own at night. Its almost not even safe for guys out at night sometimes.

qwertytlk

I reckon she was trying to down play the whole things, make it seem not a big deal as it was. But clearly she has been frightend, i mean for her not to want anoyone to touch her... Well thats one of the main symtoms of a sexual assualt. Its up to her wheather she reports it or not, but even if she doesnt maybe you could get her to talk to someone, a rape counsellor or something. There are helplines for victmes of sexual assualt and rape if she doesnt want to do it face to face.
As for your guilt, well if the way you went home last night and she stayed out is the way you always do things then i dont think you should be blaming yourself. It would be different had you just pissed off and left her alone. Maybe in future make some kind of 'safe home' plan so that no one ends up in a bad situation.
And i know lots of people do it, but perhaps you all should think twice about going home with strangers. People can seem really nice, and then turn out to be sick individuals.. So in future better to be safe than sorry.
I hope your friend will be ok.

Abi

+1 To Miss Fluff and Neyite there.


I have to ask this though;

concerned friend wrote: »

Turns out she got talking to some guy and kissed him (she's lesbian but kisses guys sometimes)

Why does she doe this? By NO means whatsoever am do I think that this equate to what happened to her, just to be very clear.

tenchi-fan

She's lesbian but kisses guys sometimes... my hole.

It reminds me of the Roy Chubby Brown sketch ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX-GgY60_y4

That girl needs to cop on.

Overheal

The first thing I thought of is maybe she was having a vulnerable moment (kissing a guy) and got into a halfway situation of letting the guy do what he did before deciding that really wasnt what she wanted - which is fine she's a lesbian she knows what feels weird to her. And so it sound like he didn't want to stop as quickly as she did.

Whether or not you want to classify that as rape, I can still see how she would feel depressed and withdrawn after that. I would also chime in saying she should talk to rape crisis. Whether or not she thinks its necessary to report the incident is another matter. The more important thing is she should probably talk to someone that can help coach her through whatever feelings she's going through.

For your part OP don't feel too badly. What would you have done? You would have seen her get in the taxi with the guy and go home? What would you have done differently in the situation?

Taltos

Tenchi-fan - posting of youtube links is clearly called out as banned in our charter.

If you have not already done so please review the charter before posting here again.

Taltos

I am a friend

Are you saying they were having penetrative sex already when she asked him to stop?

Overheal

I am a friend wrote: »

Are you saying they were having penetrative sex already when she asked him to stop?

I'm not saying anything for certain just considering the possibility

I am a friend

Overheal wrote: »

I'm not saying anything for certain just considering the possibility

That was intended for the op

SlimCi

Firstly I think your friend is a fool to be messing with guys when she is only interested in girls, that is a very dangerous game to play and can only lead to trouble.

You shouldn't feel guilty you left her and she was fine when you left, she has to take some responsbility for her own actions, she is an ADULT.

However, if she said stop and that guy continued then that is RAPE and should be reported. Hopefully this is not the case and she was not raped. Maybe she has realised how dangerous the position she found herself in was, and this is what is making her withdrawn.

Either way you need to talk to your friend to find out the details exactly so you can help her further, if she won't talk to you maybe she'll talk to someone at Rape Crisis.