Can't seem to get my act together

LegacyUser

Just looking for some advice, maybe some inspiration.

I'm mid 20s, female, living abroad, working in a stressful job. I'm here almost two years and most recently, moved out from a house-share with one of my Irish friends to live on my own.

Because of an erratic work schedule, shift work which includes lots of late nights and I guess a general lack of discipline over the years, I've been in the habit of going to bed crazy late (like 4am) and waking up early afternoon for the past number of years, which I'm sure is contributing to the problem. But I feel like living on my own has really made things worse.

I just can't find my motivation when I'm outside the office. And I mean for anything - going to the gym, getting to the post office, meeting up with friends, etc etc etc, it's a long list. I make plan after plan to get up early and get to the gym, get all my chores done, head to work and then get an early night after work, and continuously fail on this, sleeping late and wasting the day again. It's at the stage where my quality of life is being seriously affected - I haven't exercised consistently in almost a year because I just can't seem to get myself to the gym, I'm eating crap and most of it late at night because my 'day' starts at about 1pm and my social contact is at an all-time low.

I feel like I have reclusive tendencies - maybe because I feel so low about myself because of this lack of motivation that I don't want to meet up with people until I'm feeling better about myself. I'm lethargic, am finding I have a negative attitude about most things (work also, which I am worried is going to eventually affect my schedule - I work freelance in a competitive environment) and I can't seem to change.

I miss home so badly. I went home for two weeks during the summer and I felt like 'myself', for probably the first time in a year. I was the person that people remember me as - chatty and full of life and outgoing and up for a laugh. I hadn't seen that person in a while. Met up with family and friends and had the time of my life. What makes it harder is knowing that this isn't 'real' - I was the novelty at home, whereas the reality is if I moved home for good people wouldn't make the same effort and I'd be out of a job. So I guess I sort of feel 'stuck' abroad.

It's seriously affecting my self esteem too. I just feel crap about myself because I'm not fit, or in shape, and I don't have the energy that a woman my age should. I don't think it's depression, maybe it's laziness but that's hard to take as I wouldn't think of myself as a lazy person. I've achieved a hell of a lot in my life, and since I've been here I've worked my butt off to prove myself in my work environment, which is somewhere I never dreamed I'd be lucky enough to end up in. To others at home, it probably seems like I am 'successful' but to me, I just feel like a big fat failure. I just can't seem to create the life that I want for myself, become the person that I want to be.

Has anyone been through this? I'd really love to hear from someone who pulled themselves through the same. I'm so tired of feeling such shame about myself. Thanks for reading.
/pity party!

the fine print

Reply to an old thread....sorry. Am just wondering how you're getting on. I often feel exactly the same, age and gender excepted. I just think its modern society which, coupled with stress, isolates people emotionally somehow.


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