Am I over-reacting?

LegacyUser

I've been with my girlfriend for a good number of years, and it's mainly been brilliant! We're closer now than ever we were before, and things are going great, and I really do love her with all my heart!

Recently, however, she's become quite infatuated with one of her professors, and it's really starting to get me down. Like she keeps referring to him and talking about him like a lovesick puppy, about how great he is and the likes. She has also told me many times that she's been fantasizing about him regularly, and can't get him out of her head. I'm really starting to worry, because they have actually talked outside of class a few times, and will be going to the same party next week! It's been going on for long enough no hat I'm worried it's more than just a crush!

I don't even mind the fantasizing part, because we've talked about it before and have actually had discussions about swinging and how we'd be open to the idea. The main problem is that I'm worried that she will not be able to get over it, and will start to seriously think about being with him! It's beginning to affect the relationship, and has led to some upsetting talks and arguments!

So good people of boards, what's the advice? Or do you think I'm over-reacting? I'm finding it hard to look at it from an outside perspective, so I need your help!! Thanks!!

LittleBook

If you're going to have discussions about swinging, you need to be very careful about and clear with your boundaries. What if she asks you if you're interested in swinging with this guy? Maybe she's talking about him all the time becaus this is what she's considering. It's possible she thinks talking about these fantasies is turning you on! You said yourself you didn't mind this part.

The fact that she's so open about this crush leads me to believe she's not interested in him as opposed to you but possibly as well as you. But maybe not, who knows. What did the upsetting arguments and talks involve?

My best advice would be ... talk to her. Tell her that all this "lovesick puppy" stuff is making you uncomfortable. Ask her what's really going on.

And if you're serious about the swinging, now is the time to get some ground rules in place.

reap-a-rat

I think LittleBook has it spot on. Do you think if she was going to leave you for him she'd talk about him so openly with you? It sounds like she trusts you and your relationship so much that she doesn't mind being completely honest about her feelings with you.

I'm sure it must be hard for you to hear it sometimes, but I say just be thankful she feels ye're that strong that it won't affect the relationship. You can ask her to tone it down a bit, but then you might get even more suspicious if she's not telling you everything. I guess it's down to which you'd prefer yourself, knowing everything and getting upset, or knowing nothing and getting suspicious.

A0

guest11111 wrote: »

I've been with my girlfriend for a good number of years, and it's mainly been brilliant! We're closer now than ever we were before, and things are going great, and I really do love her with all my heart!

Recently, however, she's become quite infatuated with one of her professors, and it's really starting to get me down. Like she keeps referring to him and talking about him like a lovesick puppy, about how great he is and the likes. She has also told me many times that she's been fantasizing about him regularly, and can't get him out of her head. I'm really starting to worry, because they have actually talked outside of class a few times, and will be going to the same party next week! It's been going on for long enough no hat I'm worried it's more than just a crush!

I don't even mind the fantasizing part, because we've talked about it before and have actually had discussions about swinging and how we'd be open to the idea. The main problem is that I'm worried that she will not be able to get over it, and will start to seriously think about being with him! It's beginning to affect the relationship, and has led to some upsetting talks and arguments!

So good people of boards, what's the advice? Or do you think I'm over-reacting? I'm finding it hard to look at it from an outside perspective, so I need your help!! Thanks!!

It doesn't sound good to me, talk to her... The Professor or Supervisor-Student relationships sometimes end up in bed... So make sure she keeps this as a work relationship, nothing else. I know what I am talking about.

Firetrap

Aside from the swinging bit, would it not be ethically wrong for your girlfriend to do the bould thing with him? You referred to him as one of her professors so I'm taking from that that he's one of her lecturers. A person who will be marking her work.

Would he not get fired if anything happens

A0

bluewolf wrote: »

Would he not get fired if anything happens

Unfortunately it's not that easy in the public sector... I completely agree with this point. Would be great, fired and bullied

reap-a-rat

bluewolf wrote: »

Would he not get fired if anything happens

Surely it depends on the college anyway and their own internal rules and regulations, but that would be unfair! I mean, I know you've a case to say that he's in a position of authority and a relationship with a student is wrong etc., but if you imagine a mature student in a certain course meeting a lecturer in a completely different course by happenstance, and they fall in love, would it not be extremely unfair that the lecturer risks losing his job because he fell in love with a student of the university (not his own student)? Seems unfair to me like, that's why I'd say there's a whole lot more to the whole academic relationships thing!

Anyway I think that's way off topic. As I said before, it's up to the OP how he wants things to proceed, based on how comfortable he is. If she sees him regularly you're just going to have to accept it and trust her that nothing will happen and you won't get hurt. It's largely based on trust!