In need of some amateur psychology

a confused niamh

Hi,
Long time reader, first time poster.

A bit of background:
Went out with the man I thought I would be with forever for 3 years but it eventually fizzled out and we finished. I later found out he cheated on me but at that stage it didn't really matter.

I then made friends with a guy and we ended up seeing each other. We were together for a year. He was a cold kind of person and I knew we were never going to be anymore than boyfriend and girlfriend but I was ok with it at the time as I wasn't prepared for anymore. We split up 2 months ago as I decided I wanted more than what he was prepared to offer me. Again, I wasn't bothered by it. I didn't love him, he served his purpose.

So, I decided I needed some time to get my head straight and see what I really wanted. An old workmate then got back in contact (about 1 month after my breakup) and we were getting on really well. We met up regularly and he expressed how much he liked me etc. This was a massive change from the coldness of my ex.

I could see my whole life in front of me - everything I have said I ever wanted was there for the taking and I freaked out and dumped him!

The thing is the more he got into me the more I ran for the hills. Ok, so maybe I'm just not ready for a serious relationship or maybe he's not the one for me. But he really annoyed me, like drove me mad. We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend but things he would say or do would annoy me. Hence the dumping.

Heres where it gets complicated: So this all happened a week ago and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have a pain in my heart from missing him. I'm not fooling myself into thinking I loved him or any such but I literally can't get him out of my head. He called me the other day and I loved chatting to him. I'm disappointed daily when he doesn't contact, yet he's only doing what I asked.

I decided I was going to give it a couple of weeks and see how I feel, and I do think I should do this. The last thing I want to do is go back to him and in a months time dump him again because I made a mistake. He is a great guy and if only I stood to get hurt in this whole thing then I would be in like flynn.

What do you all think?

Sorry for such a long post.

Taltos

Can I make a suggestion - give this guy a call.
Explain to him that you are just out of a relationship and you just need a little time to get your head straight again.

If you do like him and are afraid of losing the opportunity even ask if you both can take things very slowly - but I think ideally you might need just a small bit of time to put your past relationship and dashed hopes behind you - otherwise you are right - you will sabotage yourself again and again...

Go on - give him a bell...

a confused niamh

Awwww Taltos, you we're meant to tell me to not do anything! Now you've given me permisson I have to do it lol

Thanks for your reply!

Miss Fluff

You're being a classic commitment phobe. Until I *allowed* myself fall in love with the most amazing man ever I used to be the exact same so I can sympathise.

You consistently go for the wrong men and then when a good one comes along you run screaming for the hills.

I think it's time to channel some reverse psychology here. Rather than agreeing to a white picket fence, moonlight and roses how would you feel about the potential prospect of NEVER hearing from him again? For him to totally leave your life and there to be no more chances? I think you've already answered that question - you'd be gutted. You're alreday missing him.

Contact him, be straight with him, and take things very easy and very breezy rather than throwing yourself into it. He sounds like a good one, you sound like you deserve a bit of happiness so agree to take things slowly and give it a chance hon

floorpie

Well i'm no psychologist so i wont tell ye what to do, but. I think there's a tendency, after a breakup, to get with someone "safe", someone who we subconsciously know that we wont want to stay with. It gives us a chance to readjust to normality after the previous relationship while still having emotional support etc etc, but if it happens too soon after a breakup you mightn't have had a chance to adjust to not being in the original relationship, i.e. gotten over it, gotten closure, etc.

Whether you like this new guy, or are infatuated, or lusty, or whatever, if you're already freaked out enough to 'dump' him, you just mightn't be ready. You mightn't be over your 3 year relationship yet and need some time to yourself (more than a month). The infatuation doesn't necessarily mean you're in love or missing out on something major etc, that's just natural.

It's also kind of telling that within, what, three weeks you felt like you had your future planned out with this guy, simultaneously he really annoyed you, and now you've such an ache in your heart that he's 'gone'. I'm not saying that you're channeling the spirit of your 3 year relationship ex through this new guy but...it sounds a bit quick for all those emotions to spring up with the new one...? Maybe?

So maybe you're just scared of a new relationship, or maybe you're just not ready for one (which is probably more likely, seeing as you basically told us that that's the case). There's no harm, having already told him that you're not ready, in waiting a few months.

a confused niamh

Wow, I never ever would have thought of myself as a commitment phobe. I've always been the one in relationships wanting more. Reading how you have put itit would seem that way though. But how do you stop yourself from having that 'oh ****' feeling?

Floorpie: I only say I had it all maped out because he's everything I have ever wanted to settle down with. If I wrote it all down he is it all. I'm not saying that it would end up that way I'm just saying it was a possibility.

The only thing that stopping me is the not wanting to **** him about. He doesn't deserve that.

seenitall

a confused niamh wrote: »

The only thing that stopping me is the not wanting to **** him about. He doesn't deserve that.

Hi OP,

I agree with that, and I agree with floorpie. You sound as if your head is way too all over the shop to be in any kind of relationship at this point in time.

Tbh, your state of mind reads more like desperation for a relationship than commitment-phobia to me. You can't stop thinking about this guy who you dumped because you crave so much what he has to offer, but when it comes down to brass tacks, you don't really like him all that much.

I could be wrong, OP, but for the guy's sake, let this one go and concentrate on some quality alone time with yourself, it will help. Don't be jumping from one relationship to the next (a month or so between them is really hardly any time at all), give yourself more time to appreciate that being single has its good sides too!

That's my 2 cents worth of amateur psychology.

a confused niamh

Oh I dunno if I crave a relationship. I very much felt I wanted to be on my own to figure out what I want. It was just unfortunate this guy popped up so soon.

My friend asked if I'm looking at the package too much and not just the guy and maybe I am. I suppose I have to work all that out really don't I?

Taltos

Look - we can't control when that right person comes along. If life was that easy then gosh - I wouldn't be on this site

I agree you need time to get your head in shape - but why not let him know how you feel, let him make his own decision if he wants to take the risk - and just take it slowly.

For the first 6mts my OH constantly said she was not into serious relationships - and we just had fun - doing silly things - but we did agree to be exclusive - there is fun and there is open...

After being bady burnt before her - this was the best thing for me - but we are all different.

As someone else asked - if you let him go - will you always be asking yourself what if?
Remember - you do deserve to be happy - sometimes you gotta break your routine of going for the wrong 'un.

Just if you do go for it - take it slowly - don't get swept away - and give both of you time to see how it is going. Remember - this might be a very different relationship so using others as a measure may not be correct...

floorpie

Taltos wrote: »

Look - we can't control when that right person comes along

Realistically, we all probably meet a new 'the right person' a few times a week. If they get together it might work out great, it might not work at all, but that's not the point, she needs to make sure that she has a healthy mindset before getting into it, and her whole first and second post screams (and says verbatim): "I'm just not ready for a serious relationship".

How can anyone read this: "But he really annoyed me, like drove me mad. We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend but things he would say or do would annoy me. Hence the dumping. ... I have a pain in my heart from missing him," and come to the conclusion that it's just nervousness about being happy. It doesn't strike me as a coincidence that she stumbled upon a new 'the right guy' so quickly after the last relationship.

The rom-com notions of fate and bravery wont help her much if she ends up in the same bad patterns from both previous relationships, because of not having a decent run at being single and having the chance to think, repair and improve herself for a while. I don't see the harm in mulling it over for a time.

seenitall

a confused niamh wrote: »

Oh I dunno if I crave a relationship. I very much felt I wanted to be on my own to figure out what I want. It was just unfortunate this guy popped up so soon.

My friend asked if I'm looking at the package too much and not just the guy and maybe I am. I suppose I have to work all that out really don't I?

Yes, I do think your friend may be on to something. However, as I said, I may be wrong about you, it's your call.

I suppose all our different personalities and experiences inform our diverse advice given. For myself, I know that if someone started annoying the heck out of me at the very beginning, there was not a chance of any progression to anything more serious, ever. BUT perhaps you're more like Miss Fluff than like me in that regard.

If you contact yer man again, I'd just echo the advice to let him know what's been going on in your head, both before and after the break-up. All cards on the table. It's the only fair thing to do if he is going to run the risk of a repeat in the future.

Good luck!

BraziliaNZ

This guy seems perfect, nice etc. I bet if you do get with him, he'll bore the t*ts off of you and you wont even want sex with him anymore. This is what happens when you get with someone when there's no spark, and it sounds like there isn't. If there was a spark you'd be thinking about jumping his bones all the time and would never have let him go. Just sayin'.

Catari Jaguar

In your last two relationships you weren't treated that well. That might be what you think is normal. Some girls love treat em mean, keep em keen. Even if you don't like that, it may be what you're used to and what you associate with men. Here comes a man that likes you, your head might not think you deserve all this attention and could disrespect him and be turned off..

The sensible part of you knows he's good for you, and you deserve it and probably love it under it all. That's why you miss him. Let him like you!!

a confused niamh

A quick update.

We met for a drink on Saturday night and there was no doubt in either of our minds that getting back together was the right thing to do. I am so happy I agreed to meet him. I told I'd have to take things slowly and I could freak out in the future but I'll keep him updated lol.

I don't know what the future will hold but its good right now and I'm going to focus on one day at a time.

Thanks for all the advice!

Katy89

a confused niamh wrote: »

Hi,
But he really annoyed me, like drove me mad. We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend but things he would say or do would annoy me. Hence the dumping.

niamh,

this is what stuck into my head reading your opening thread and contains in my opinion the whole answer to your questions.
he annoys you: you don't love him.

if a person annoys you in the early days of getting to know each other, he's not the right one and you clearly don't love him.

do you want to be together with somebody you don't love? you'll dump him again and you'll hurt him again and he probably don't deserve that.

all the best!

BraziliaNZ

Katy89 wrote: »

niamh,

this is what stuck into my head reading your opening thread and contains in my opinion the whole answer to your questions.
he annoys you: you don't love him.

if a person annoys you in the early days of getting to know each other, he's not the right one and you clearly don't love him.

do you want to be together with somebody you don't love? you'll dump him again and you'll hurt him again and he probably don't deserve that.

all the best!

These are my thoughts too. Spending lots of time with someone who annoys will mean that those annoyances will be up in your face really bad before you know it. The cracks are already there, but please keep us updated as I'm keen to know what happens!

floorpie

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

These are my thoughts too. Spending lots of time with someone who annoys will mean that those annoyances will be up in your face really bad before you know it. The cracks are already there, but please keep us updated as I'm keen to know what happens!

I'd be more concerned that she's transferring feelings for her 3 year ex (or someone) onto this new guy. It doesn't make sense, to me anyway, to grow to simultaneously hate and love somebody who was just a work colleague to you previously, be considering your future together, then be heartbroken when they're gone, within the space of 3-4 weeks of 'meeting up'. Not because it's bad to be happy, there's every chance of it working out great, there's just a risk of falling into the same ineffective patterns. But i'm glad it's working out.

foxyboxer

a confused niamh wrote: »

Hi,
Long time reader, first time poster.

A bit of background:
Went out with the man I thought I would be with forever for 3 years but it eventually fizzled out and we finished. I later found out he cheated on me but at that stage it didn't really matter.

I then made friends with a guy and we ended up seeing each other. We were together for a year. He was a cold kind of person and I knew we were never going to be anymore than boyfriend and girlfriend but I was ok with it at the time as I wasn't prepared for anymore. We split up 2 months ago as I decided I wanted more than what he was prepared to offer me. Again, I wasn't bothered by it. I didn't love him, he served his purpose.

So, I decided I needed some time to get my head straight and see what I really wanted. An old workmate then got back in contact (about 1 month after my breakup) and we were getting on really well. We met up regularly and he expressed how much he liked me etc. This was a massive change from the coldness of my ex.

I could see my whole life in front of me - everything I have said I ever wanted was there for the taking and I freaked out and dumped him!

The thing is the more he got into me the more I ran for the hills. Ok, so maybe I'm just not ready for a serious relationship or maybe he's not the one for me. But he really annoyed me, like drove me mad. We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend but things he would say or do would annoy me. Hence the dumping.

Heres where it gets complicated: So this all happened a week ago and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have a pain in my heart from missing him. I'm not fooling myself into thinking I loved him or any such but I literally can't get him out of my head. He called me the other day and I loved chatting to him. I'm disappointed daily when he doesn't contact, yet he's only doing what I asked.

I decided I was going to give it a couple of weeks and see how I feel, and I do think I should do this. The last thing I want to do is go back to him and in a months time dump him again because I made a mistake. He is a great guy and if only I stood to get hurt in this whole thing then I would be in like flynn.

What do you all think?

Sorry for such a long post.

Phew. How's that for amateur psychology.

Give the guy a chance if it works out all good, if not plenty of fish etc.