Can't Afford to Leave Abusive Partner

LegacyUser

My partner has physically and emotionally abused me for the entirety of our relationship and I just can't handle it any more. I love him and I can't bear the thoughts of leaving but I feel I have no choice. Emotionally this would be the hardest thing I would ever do, but I don't even know if it is practically feasible. We live together, and if one of us left/moved out my rent would at least double, which I simply can't afford. I would have to drop out of college and possibly end up homeless. What on earth can I do? Is there any organisation that could help me? Or does anyone have any other suggestions? Should I just grin and bear it, as I have been doing? It's worth mentioning that I do love him and when he's good he's very, very good, and I will never get over splitting up with him, but I fear for my emotional and physical wellbeing.

Taltos

OP - I have pulled these links from our charter. Please do what you can to get yourself out of this horrible situation. No-one deserves to be abused in any fashion.


Taltos

Marital breakdown/family law/family supports
http://www.mrcs.ie/
(Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services)
http://www.gingerbread.ie/
http://www.solo.ie/
http://www.treoir.ie/
http://www.parentline.ie/
http://www.childline.ie/



Money issues
http://www.mabs.ie/

Abuse
http://www.womensaid.ie/
http://www.amen.ie/
http://www.ispcc.ie/
http://www.rcni.ie/hlp_map.htm
(rape crises network)
http://www.oneinfour.org/

Neyite

You can still leave - Contact your local womens refuge and they will do their very best to help you. Use google to find one near you.

Are there friends in college that might let you sleep on a sofa for a few weeks? Or a relative that you could stay with?

You need to get out as soon as possible.

Distorted

OP, these thoughts are simply indicative of how you lose your sense of pespective, self worth and control when in an abusive relationship.

What you really should be asking is "How can I not afford to leave my abusive partner?".

Once you have done so, you will wonder why you didn't do so earlier, I promise you.

bronte

Op you really must take steps to get yourself out of this situation.
You were worried about rent? Could you move into a houseshare yourself?
It would be less expensive and give you the space you need.
Perhaps your college or fellow students have information on available houseshares?
You deserve to be treated with respect. You should never have to live in fear.
Please be strong and take the first step away.

LegacyUser

Thanks for such quick replies, guys. Taltos, it was really good of you to provide so many links and I have looked at them all but they all offer emotional support, not financial support.
Neyite, I don't have any friends or relatives I can stay with and nobody I can borrow money from. Distorted, if it were anyone else but me I would be saying the same thing as you, but the reality is that I am choosing between this situation and homelessness, and it's a case of "better the evil you know." Bronte, we already live in a house share so my rent is pretty much as cheap as can be. All other house shares start at at least 350 a month which I just can't afford.
I know it looks like I'm not taking an advice and I'm shooting ever idea down but my big problem is money, I know that if I leave or if he moves out I won't be able to pay my rent and I have nobody to stay with. In the long term that means dropping out of college and most likely going on the dole which because I'm young is 100 euro a week which is simply not enough to live on, meaning I won't be able to keep up with my rent, meaning I will end up homeless. I know it sounds really dramatic but that's the truth, there's no other way around it for me.

Chinafoot

BrokenDownWoman wrote: »

Thanks for such quick replies, guys. Taltos, it was really good of you to provide so many links and I have looked at them all but they all offer emotional support, not financial support.
Neyite, I don't have any friends or relatives I can stay with and nobody I can borrow money from. Distorted, if it were anyone else but me I would be saying the same thing as you, but the reality is that I am choosing between this situation and homelessness, and it's a case of "better the evil you know." Bronte, we already live in a house share so my rent is pretty much as cheap as can be. All other house shares start at at least 350 a month which I just can't afford.
I know it looks like I'm not taking an advice and I'm shooting ever idea down but my big problem is money, I know that if I leave or if he moves out I won't be able to pay my rent and I have nobody to stay with. In the long term that means dropping out of college and most likely going on the dole which because I'm young is 100 euro a week which is simply not enough to live on, meaning I won't be able to keep up with my rent, meaning I will end up homeless. I know it sounds really dramatic but that's the truth, there's no other way around it for me.

OP, it's time to sort out your priorities. Right now your priority needs to be getting yourself out of this relationship. If that means dropping out of college and getting a job, any job, then so be it. You can go back to college when you get yourself in a more stable position. A degree isn't going to stop this guy beating the crap out of you and possibly killing you when he goes too far.

What about your parents? Are they still around? Could you stay with them?

I would strongly suggest you get yourself to a women's shelter and speak to someone there. They can help you get out. They're not going to hand you cash but they can help you sort through all of your possible options.

Distorted

BrokenDownWoman wrote: »

because I'm young is 100 euro a week which is simply not enough to live on, meaning I won't be able to keep up with my rent, meaning I will end up homeless. I know it sounds really dramatic but that's the truth, there's no other way around it for me.

You're young! Just leave! Your'e only going to be more trapped the longer you stay and the more committments you get. This man has robbed you of your self worth so effectively, you feel trapped.

Get a live in job! Au pair, horse groom, housekeeper, companion, whatever. Look in the newspaper tomorrow and start making plans. The world is your oyster. Everyone can support themselves if they try hard enough and you have no ties. Even being homeless is better than being in an abusive relationship, I think you would be surprised at the number of women who have gone through that stage and come out the other side.

Firetrap

Pick up the phone tomorrow and phone one of the shelters on the list Taltos has posted. I'm not doubting for one moment that money is an issue for you but you've turned it into the only issue. I'm sure they've dealt with every scenario under the sun and will be able to give you good advice.

Little Acorn

Hi Op, you might get more than you think on social welfare.

Normally the rate of pay for anyone aged 18 -21 is 100 euro a week,
22 -24 is 144 euro a week
25+ is 188 euro per week.


However if you are aged under 25 and in any of the following situations then you may be entitled to the full payment of 188 euro per week.

The reduced age-related personal and qualified adult rates of Jobseeker’s Allowance for claimants under 25 years of age do not apply to:

. Claimants with dependent children

.People transferring to Jobseeker’s Allowance immediately after finishing their entitlement to Jobseeker’s Benefit

.People transferring from Disability Allowance to Jobseeker’s Allowance

.Existing Jobseeker’s Allowance claimants who are assessed at the higher rate of allowance, get work but lose that job and is back on Jobseeker’s Allowance within 12 months

.People under 25 participating in a course of education, training or Community Employment. (However, when the course ends you will return to an age-related JA payment, if you were getting one before you started the course.)

.People who were at least 20 years of age on 30 December 2009 and became unemployed on or before 30 December 2009

.People who were 18 or 19 on 30 December 2009 and became unemployed on or before 29 April 2009

.People aged 22 to 24 who are taking part in the Work Placement Programme run by FÁS

.Certain children in the care of the HSE during the 12 months before reaching 18 years of age are also be assessed using the JA rate for people aged 25 or o

I think you should go to speak with someone in citizen's information, and your local community welfare officer.

As you are in college you may be entitled to BTEA, or a special rate top up maintenance grant that could be between 2445 or 6100 euro depending on if college is adjacent or non adjacent to your family home I think.
Your college may also be able to offer you some small financial support for materials etc.

I don't know what your specific age is,type of course you are doing is, if you've been on social welfare payments before, or exactly what type of support you may be entitled to, but you should definitely talk to citizens information to see if you could get BTEA, or maintenance grants, or VTOS grants depending on your course.

Due to your circumstances, and that you would technically be homeless if you didn't get some help, I think you should be entitled to some form of rent allowance, and they will probably then put you on a council housing waiting list whilst you are waiting and receiving rent allowance.
I just can't see them allowing any young person to go homeless, especially considering your circumstances.

I'm no expert in these things or what exactly you might be entitled to, so I will post you some links from citizen's information.
There has to be some sort of financial help available to you, but you will have to go down and ask them about it. I know people who HAVE got family they could live with who still get rent allowance for their own places, so hopefully you can be helped too.

http://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&sqi=2&ved=0CCEQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.citizensinformation.ie%2Fsocial_welfare%2Fsocial_welfare_payments%2Fsupplementary_welfare_schemes%2Frent_supplement.html&ei=QXqWTvaFOojIhAen95yLBA&usg=AFQjCNErxud1WMA92OesW4t7sUbCQnozNg
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/education/third_level_education/fees_and_supports_for_third_level_education/maintenance_grant_schemes_for_students_on_third_level_courses.html
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/payments/unemployed_people/jobseekers_allowance.html
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/back_to_education/back_to_education_allowance.html

I think you should definitely contact some of those helplines and/or the women's shelters that people have suggested, because as well as offering you some emotional help, they are bound to have lots of knowledge and experience of offering you some suggestions of what to do that could help you financially too.

Best of luck OP.


Edit: On the website SafeIreland.ie I see they offer refuge for an unlimited amount of time, offer emotional support and aslo under their practical support they offer the following;
Information and Support with:
Legal Protection
Jobs and Work
Training and Education
Health Care
Benefits and Finances
Housing and Accommodation

This is the link:
http://www.safeireland.ie/domestic-violence-services/

Beruthiel

BrokenDownWoman wrote: »

I will never get over splitting up with him.

You will OP.
There will come a time in your life, when you regain your confidence, self respect and mental well being. When that day arrives, you will thank your lucky stars for your escape.

Right now, you can't see the woods for the trees.
You are so down that you see no way out.
You are emotionally paralyzed and need help.
Get in touch with some of the people in those links provided by Taltos.
They will help you and guide you in the right direction.
You do not want to spend the rest of your life feeling this miserable.
Love yourself enough to take that first step.

silly

I was in a similar relationship, where the unused was usually more mental than physical ( sometimes both on bad days) we also had a child together, and lived in rented accommodation.
I did have great family support though when I planned to leave. I just made up my mind and left with my child.
It was an extremely difficult time for me, I didn't think I would be able to do it, but it took all my strength and I did it. 8 years ago.
I am now 31, a newly wed and never been happier.

Get out of that situation now. Get help from any of those websites mentioned. Ring citizens advice, they will tell you what you need to do. Leave college and get a job if you have to, mental health is better use to you than a degree.
Happiness is waiting for you.

Marina-anseo

I was in a similar but not as bad relationship until recently. I lived with my ex in college and when I realised it was time to leave, he guilted me into staying by saying he couldnt afford rent anymore etc.
I ended up breaking up with him 6 months later anyway. You have to get yourself out of this situation for your own health, both mentally and physically. You can take time out from college, I know my course allows 3 years before you have to go back.
What about applying for jobs where the accommodation is included? A lot of hotels provide this, the rooms might be small but you'd be safe. What about working as an Au Pair somewhere? Again this type of job covers accommodation. Could you qualify for a college grant to cover your rent and living costs? Can you get work placement somewhere based on what you are studying?

LegacyUser

Well everyone, I left today. I already have a college grant and it's not enough to live on, I'm not entitled to anything other than that and I know from being sick last year that the government are very happy to let an under-25 go homeless. Where I'm staying right now can't last long and I have no idea what to do I feel really isolated and lost and lonely because he turned all of my friends against me too. Of course that means that they were never really my friends in the first place, it's still so sad. I really feel that I have nobody to turn to and since all my friends are on his side, I fear that any new person I may befriend will also think I'm lying etc if I talk to them about it. I'm sorry this post is probably not making that much sense, I'm just so scared and confused.

Taltos

OP - well done on getting out.
Seriously - I know things look crap right now and they might look that way for a while but it gets better - a whole lot better.

I don't know if you had ever filed a complaint with the gardai or if you have any physical evidence of his abuse but you do NOT have to prove to any of your so-called friends why you left.

Something to keep in mind - abusive people are often master manipulators - trust me on this - I have seen it first hand. So in a way it is not all that surprising that people might believe him (for the moment). Just stay focussed on finding somewhere else to live or increasing your income. Also stay consistent and be open as to why you left - your friends will hopefully come around when they see through him.

I am not sure how close you are to your family or if you have a really good close friend - but get to them now and let it all out. It took a family member the guts of a year to even start coming around - but the great news is now over 2 years later she reminds us off of the person she was when she was younger.

I know this is bittersweet with your money worries - but congrats.

Marina-anseo

Well done, you made the right decision. Taltos is right, abusers are very often master manipulators. My ex turned everyone against me as well. You'd wonder how some people can be so easily influenced by the abuser when they even saw the abuse first hand?! Just to show you how manipulative they can be, my house mates were terrifiied of my ex one night when he came home drunk and threw me out of our room against the hallway wall shouting abuse so loudly he woke everyone. The next day they asked why I put up with it, yet when I left him they all turned on me. You just have to realise that they are the ones who have things all wrong not you.
Everything probably seems scary now and lonely but this will get better, try and focus on the positives. I bet you don't feel trapped anymore? Feel safer than you did before? See your ex's true colours now that you have space to realise you deserve better?