Tired of being a waste of oxygen

LegacyUser

To quote the movie no country for old men 'you have been putting it up your whole life, you just didn't know it '.

I have pretty much my fill of my gutless attitude. I do not know what has brought on this epiphany tonight but I just felt I needed to get it off my chest. I am a 21 year old male and there isn't a day goes by that I don't let people walk all over me and basically strip any semblance of self belief I have ever had away.

I need to wake up one day and become a man. I have let people kick sh-t in my face at every available oppurtunity and I have become this meek passive aggresive little toad.

I have far too many life examples to showcase this so I will just give a few. I worked in a supermarket for a few years during secondary school. During this time due to miss-communication between managers and junior managers my hours were cut to basically zilch because I didnt fight my corner, draw the line and be more assertive with my bosses. Anytime I would bring up the subject in a polite manager I would be fobbed off.

Fast forward a few years to college past some repetitive bullying in secondary school for me not enforcing a limit to how much I would tolerate personally and I am in my final year in college and socially awkward. Sometimes when I answer questions in class I cann see the lecturer adopting a look that my previous boss had i.e what does this guy fcukin want now etc..

So basically I want to to have a rewarding job,life etc but I cannot see the me now as anywhere near the person that I want to be. Do you think my beliefs at 21/22 are already so ingrained that it is virtually impossible to do a full 360 in terms of confidence,assertiveness?

Sorry for the long rant

LegacyUser

You have the opportunity to change every day.
If you want to be more assertive, than make a start today.

What happened before does not dictate what will happen in your future.
You can be the man you want to be and be proud of yourself.
Make a plan career wise.... step by step and enjoy the rest of your college days!


Its only my opinion, but.... honey works better than vinegar.
SO..... there is nothing wrong with being accomadating and willing to be flexible.
Just have your own boundaries about how far your willing to move/adapt,
and draw a line when your not willing to go past that point.

Good luck!

thefeatheredcat

Humandoormat wrote: »

there isn't a day goes by that I don't let people walk all over me and basically strip any semblance of self belief I have ever had away.

This is what will serve as the great reminder for you going forward, that you no longer accept this from yourself, that this has how you have perceived yourself and that you no longer want to be that way.

If you want to better yourself, then accept the change you want to make. Have a look around for assertiveness classes, ask around at the SU in college, look up bulletin boards and even have a chat with the college counsellor if they can recommend a class, or have a look around in the environment around you such as adult education classes run in schools and colleges.

Becoming more assertive is only a start...it will grow your confidence and you will be happier to attain the life you want, on your terms, as long as you allow for flexibility and balance where you can assert yourself, but without walking on another person like you have previously experienced.

Colonel Panic

It's never too late to turn your life around. You are 21 years old, there's plenty of time.

Perhaps counselling would help? I didn't have the most fun school/college years and it certain helped me!

Oryx

Humandoormat wrote: »

So basically I want to to have a rewarding job,life etc but I cannot see the me now as anywhere near the person that I want to be. Do you think my beliefs at 21/22 are already so ingrained that it is virtually impossible to do a full 360 in terms of confidence,assertiveness?

It is totally possible. If I met myself aged 21 now, I wouldnt recognise that girl. You can, and you will change as your life progresses. You already want to, so now is the time to decide to make it happen, not just wish for it. Change is scary and we usually try to cling to the familiar, but the more you challenge the way you think and behave the easier it becomes.

I dont know you so to make suggestions to you would be useless. You need to think about what you want to do, and where you would like to be by x time, and then look for ways you can start that happening. Its not about changing your personality and then changing your life, it tends to happen the other way around. Change aspects of your life, challenge yourself, and you will find your confidence and ability to cope and fight for what is yours will increase.

qwertytlk

Hi, definatley do not think your belifs are too ingrained to change. I personally think that 'too old to change' line is crap! You can change now, this minute.. Try with little things. Stick up for yourself more. Write a list of things that you feel you could improve on and start doing them one by one. Even if takes you a year to perfect two things, at the end of the day you will still have made a change.
On another note, isnt there courses or something you can take on assertiveness? Im sure iv heard of something like this before..
You also sound like you have pretty low self esteem/self opinion. Maybe try to talk to someone about that. Perhaps the school counsellor or something.

jjg

hi, i'm kind of very like you and agree i must change too to be more assertive.. I'm 22, and just starting final year in college.. even when we were picking our final year project titles there two weeks ago i got the worst one because i didn't want to argue..i'm sick of letting people walk on top of me too, i'm nearly looking forward to leaving college because i'm sick of some people in my class being so in my face.. i think i need to learn to forget about other people's opinions and try aim for my goals myself.. i want to have a good life and job too, hopefully move to dublin and start up there, so i'm just going to go for it, and try get a job up there next year. anyhow i think you can become more assertive, i know i have become very determined and i'm more assertive now than i was a few years ago, maybe its because i have an idea of where i want to get to in life.. i've been letting people walk on top of me for too long though, not just people in my class but friends,and my boss too, as i seem pretty passive even though i have opinions, i just don't voice them enough.. i suppose all you can do is try be as assertive as you can with everyone but polite still!! there is nothing worse than bullying/aggression i think, and we're adults now so don't have to accept that kind of behaviour from anyone!! good luck it

wylo

Hey man , send me a pm if you want to talk, ive been somewhat where you are, not as bad, I wasnt bullied.
You are feeling sorry for yourself. You need to effectively, in no uncertain terms, grow up. Its an infinite loop of thoughts, "poor me".
Theres a way out of that rut.

Silverfish

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mikemac

Don't be a people pleaser OP, I sure know something about that

It's good to work hard but you'll start taking on extra work for zero thanks and you'll burn yourself out.
"If I help everyone they will like me"
The opposite is often the case OP, you become a doormat and they don't respect you.

And you'll get landed with the donkey work while the people who are confident and talk the talk will move on and get promoted.

The boss will probably miss your effort in the background and take the fact that you don't speak up for that you don't care. When realy, you are a dedicated employee


You need to address things as they happen OP as you will eventually explode, everyone has a breaking point.
Suppose your boss is giving you hassle, instead of confronting them you may end up talking it out on the people you love/get on with it
So the boss gives you **** and you go home and row with your mother

The passive aggressiveness will turn people against you and sorry but and you are a lovely guy I'm sure but it can turn you into an unlikeable prick.

Mind you don't bury things OP
You take abuse and two days later come back and explode and it's you who looks unprofessional.

And taken to an extreme, this is how quiet and meek people end up with assault and manslaughter charges. Yeah it's extreme but it happens

Hope that helps

LegacyUser

hey there,

here's what i did when i found myself in a similar situation about 15 years ago at your age. i had begun to hate the person i had turned out to be, especially having had such high hopes to begin with...i'll try to explain it as best i can....

first....importantly...i had a similar epiphany to yours...some people never realise....

then i sort of 'started again' in a way...withdrew from conversation amongst friends and family almost entirely for about a fortnight....except to make small pleasantries....the odd hello, a nod, a smile....just so they weren't too weirded out....

this effectively allowed me to be present with those i ultimately wished to re-engage with....but also to re-assess how i would interact with them all....

instead of acting and speaking in the way i disliked, i internalised all of my reactions to everything around me....really thought about how i would engage with people....went to the pub with friends one night and hardly uttered a word....but kept a pleasant face on....listened to their conversations, internalised replies and contributions to their stories....got my round in.....said i was fine, just a bit tired.....to the few that by now still cared....

did it again the next week....felt a lot better the second time around....towards the end of the night.....somebody said something i sparked off.....i gave my opinion on the matter...a careful, considered response.....waited another hour to pitch in again...another considered sentence....some more waiting and internalising....and then a few conversations grew out this approach....

from then on....the gaps between talking became shorter and shorter....and i became the type of person i wanted to be.....well a lot closer....which is enough for most of us....

the point is really that it was as if i had taken 'ME' back from the way the people around me were familiar with....if you get me.....and changed it....in a way that i could be happy with....and it took a while....and i winged it if i'm honest.....but it worked....and i've never looked back.....