Where do I go from here?

LegacyUser

I recentley came out to a few of my close friends. It was a big step for me because I hadn't told anyone until then, and I'm 25 years old. I thought if I told someone that it might ease the burden of hiding something like that. It did in a way, for a while at least.

Now I feel very stressed and down. I thought that once I told a few people that being gay would get easier. I just dont know where to go from here. I don't think I've accepted being gay myself, I'm certainly not happy about it.

I thought about going to a gay nightclub or bar but I just cant imagine myself going in. It just doesnt appeal to me.

I think I might be homophobic. (Sorry if this whole thread comes across as ramblings but I find it easier to think, and come to realisations, when I actually write out what I am thinking.) Any thoughts of things associated with being gay, I hate. Gay pride annoys me. Gay bars annoy me. Gay people annoy me (apologies).

Where do I go from here? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? How do I get over this homophobia and self hatred?

Thanks.

DubArk

guest589 wrote: »

I think I might be homophobic. (Sorry if this whole thread comes across as ramblings but I find it easier to think, and come to realisations, when I actually write out what I am thinking.) Any thoughts of things associated with being gay, I hate. Gay pride annoys me. Gay bars annoy me. Gay people annoy me (apologies).

Where do I go from here? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? How do I get over this homophobia and self hatred?

Thanks.

How could you possibly come out to your close friends, if you have such huge issues with gay people, places and associations and of course you been gay??
I would recommend therapy in whatever form. There are loads of groups out there, which you can join to seek help; except that gay people will be in abundance I would think; unless you pay privately with the proviso that the therapist is heterosexual.
It seems to me as if you have painted yourself into a corner and your own self confidence is on the floor.

Self confidence is a great key in moving foreword in life…..

floggg

I would doubt it's a wind-up. Not everybody deals with it the same way and not everybody finds it so easy to accept. Telling people to seek therapy for having a hard time adjusting is a bit extreme and unfair.

OP I came out myself at the start of summer, first to myself after years of denial and then to friends. I certainly understand where you are coming from with this. I had a lot of those feelings myself, and found it hard to deal with.

I guess to an extent I was ashamed of the fact I was gay, and thought there was something wrong with me. I thought gay men were a bunch of Kylie loving fairies and I would never belong in their company.

In my case at least, I came out as much to force myself to accept it a d deal with it as anything else.

What I found once I did start going out on the scene and meeting people is that the cliches and images you build up in your head are far from accurate. Sure there are some flamers, but you quickly realise that most people on the scene are completely normal. You also realise that many people have gone through the same thing and that you aren't the first one to struggle with these issues.

It might take some time to adjust, but I would suggest you take some baby steps onto the scene, be it a pint in a gay pub or joining a gay sports or social group like wet and wild. Until you start to embrace your sexuality a bit it will be hard to deal with your feelings.

Hope that is some help?

Matt32

Hey there. I would agree with Floggg and had a similar experience to him. When I came out last year I believed that everything would fall into place and that years of denial etc. would give way to a clear future. 'Coming out' is a big step but something I've realised is that a person can come out and still not be happy with who they are or where they're at in their life. In a sense, coming out is only the first step on the road to accepting yourself and its possible that right now you might not even know or have an image of what's at the end of the process.

Something I've learned is that accepting who you are goes beyond saying you're gay and telling people as such. There's a need to believe it and question what it means for you - good and bad. From your post it sounds as though you haven't fully accepted who you are despite coming out to others. Until you fully accept who you are I suspect that being around gay people will be confusing and contradictory and will keep you at odds with yourself. something that I have personal experience of.

In my case I found regular counselling, over a period of year, helped me to place my sexuality in a context and understand how I could have ambiguous feelings (i.e. being gay but totally averse to the gay 'scene'). An internet search or http://www.irish-counselling.ie/index.php/find-a-counsellor-psychotherapist may be of help. A counsellor can provide an anchor for you and a safe place outside of friends and family to explore who you are.

DubArk

I am very sorry about the” Wind-up” remark and have removed it.

floggg wrote: »

I would doubt it's a wind-up. Not everybody deals with it the same way and not everybody finds it so easy to accept. Telling people to seek therapy for having a hard time adjusting is a bit extreme and unfair.

There is nothing wrong with therapy! It is used to help people solve many life problems.
“A supportive therapy is one that does not treat or improve the underlying condition, but instead increases the patient's comfort!”!
I found it helped in my past and see nothing wrong or “extreme and unfair” with my advise, as suggested!? I have life experiences too and we don’t all experience the same emotions but when asked for advice, we can only point out our own findings…. I did so in good faith.
We all have different stories in our lives; NOT been heterosexual are the only experience we have in common. Out side that, how we deal with lifes experiences can be very different and not at all common to each of us.
All our experiences are unique and therefore don’t shoot me down when I give you mine.

Matt32 wrote: »

In my case I found regular counselling, over a period of year, helped me to place my sexuality in a context and understand how I could have ambiguous feelings (i.e. being gay but totally averse to the gay 'scene'). An internet search or http://www.irish-counselling.ie/index.php/find-a-counsellor-psychotherapist may be of help. A counsellor can provide an anchor for you and a safe place outside of friends and family to explore who you are.

That's why i suggested this might help.

Killer Pigeon

I thinks its only natural that you're having these feelings but I don't think that these are necessarily feelings of self-hatred. I don't know about your background but you've probably been immersed in a culture that's prominently straight, where there's been so much things expected of you since you were in the cradle.

I don't think that you're homophobic, I think that you're just afraid of gay lifestyle because it's so alien to you right now. You just need time to adjust. But of course, there's no onus on you get involved in any lifestyle change; nothing really has to change if you don't want it to. You don't have to go to gay venues or bars if you don't want to.

Perhaps you're just still in shock about the fact that you're gay and that you think that coming out means that your life will deviate massively from the life you've known up to now. You may also be fearful of being judged by other. In hindsight, I'm in the same boat as I'm not really out yet either, but I've accept the fact that I'm gay and I no longer "avoid" (for use of a better word) gay people.

Also, I don't know if therapy is necessary. I mean I'm sure a lot of people have gone through these phases and that's exactly that this is in the OP's case - a phase.

Aishae

There are plenty of gay people who don't like gay pride (the parade anyway) or who hate the raging fairy persona (which isn't as widespread as you think - a lot of gay people out there that are not into 'camp') and who don't go to gay bars etc. There's no onus on you to do any of that.

Just do what is 'you' and take your time figuring out what that is.

floggg

DubArk, didn't mean to imply anything was wrong with therapy. It can be hugely positive for people.

If I took it up wrong, I apologise but got the impression you were being a bit flippant in your response (reference to their being gay people at group sessions and thr wind-up comment).

Anyway, as said above I don't know if therapy is needed in the case of the OP. It may be, but I don't know him so can't say. I do know that I got over my issues myself without it. I think the OP might benefit from trying to engage a bit more, take some steps like going to a "gay event".

A good start I found was joining gay message boards, participating and meeting a few people from there, for friendly pints and conversation, not sex! Took me a while at that to adjust to having to make new friends etc but after a while you will hopefully meet some great and normal people

apache

guest589 wrote: »

I recentley came out to a few of my close friends. It was a big step for me because I hadn't told anyone until then, and I'm 25 years old. I thought if I told someone that it might ease the burden of hiding something like that. It did in a way, for a while at least.

Now I feel very stressed and down. I thought that once I told a few people that being gay would get easier. I just dont know where to go from here. I don't think I've accepted being gay myself, I'm certainly not happy about it.

I thought about going to a gay nightclub or bar but I just cant imagine myself going in. It just doesnt appeal to me.

I think I might be homophobic. (Sorry if this whole thread comes across as ramblings but I find it easier to think, and come to realisations, when I actually write out what I am thinking.) Any thoughts of things associated with being gay, I hate. Gay pride annoys me. Gay bars annoy me. Gay people annoy me (apologies).

Where do I go from here? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? How do I get over this homophobia and self hatred?

Thanks.

internalised homophobia? i think thats quite reasonable. but as others said when you actually go out and meet people they are the same as you. interested in music etc (not that pop ****e )
lol "gay people annoy me". some can be annoying. others are ok.
anyway being gay is just a small part of you - thats when the hormones don't take over!

i guess what i'm trying to say is its cool to click with people that happen to have the same sexual orientation as yourself.

Sonics2k

guest589 wrote: »

Any thoughts of things associated with being gay, I hate. Gay pride annoys me. Gay bars annoy me. Gay people annoy me (apologies).

Just a slight note here.

Just because you're gay, doesn't mean you have to do any of these things.
All it means to be gay is a physical and emotional attraction to people of the same gender.

Aside from that minor aspect, you're exactly the same as any other person.

As others have side, you could always go for counselling to help you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I would never go to counselling. I'm not good with talking about myself or issues I have, unless its through the medium of the internet.

Some of you suggested taking baby steps and go to gay pubs etc. So you're saying I should force myself to do something I have no interest in doing? I dont see the sense in that.

As you can see I make excuses for everything. Bit of a lost cause, eh?

floggg

You remind of myself a bit a few months back!

The only emotional conversation I ever had was with the Internet or the toilet bowl! A lot has changed for me anyway since then.

No, not saying you have to go to any of these places if you don't want to. Just I know what helped me.

Can I ask then what go you want in terms of accepting who you are? Do you want to try and meet people or have a relationship? Or for now are you just interested in dealing with it yourself?

To be honest I don't know if you will be able to get comfortable with being gay yourself unless you make some effort to get to know people and see the real picture. It would be hard to accept yourself as gay if you have a negative stereotyped image of gays (and you shouldn't feel guilty for having that image -lots of us did too).

There are a lot of different outlets, not just bars. There's sports clubs, social clubs, community groups etc. even meeting up with somebody for a pint to talk might help.

Though of course you don't have to do any of that. If you don't want to engage with other gay people though, what would you like to feel comfortable doing?

Meesared

Coming to one of our fairly regular LGBT boards.ie meetups might be an idea?

Aishae

Meesared wrote: »

Coming to one of our fairly regular LGBT boards.ie meetups might be an idea?

Which is beers and just basically a night out - and they haven't been at gay venues - at the ones in the last several months haven't

Also there is running amach. They organise all sorts of events. Not gay venues but events for gay, bi, questioning folks. No pressure to act gay as it were.

LegacyUser

As it is I would never even go to a regular bar on my own, let alone to one to meet up with a group of gay guys. I'm not great in social situations. I wouldnt like to go with my friends either. I would find that very awkward. I can't even talk about it with them without getting very agitated and uncomfortable.

They seem to be fine with it but when they start asking questions, trying to help, I just can't handle it. I think its a fear of being seen as weak. I don't like to be seen as not being able to do something without help. I'm probably being to proud or whatever, but I cant help it.

I realise you guys are trying to help, and I appreciate it, but I have the feeling no matter what you suggest I will have some inherent reason to not do it, as stupid as it may sound.

df1985

I was like you too OP, 25 and came out in feb/march to just my mates. My mates have been brilliant, they dont care, they had a few questions but now its friendly slagging.

Im still dealing with it myself though, i do feel a little bit of "shame" i suppose. my gay life is completely seperate to the rest of my life. im nowhere near say introducing a boyfriend to my mates, or not even able to commit to a relationship. im not ready to tell extended family or have it widely known.

but i agree totally with what flogg said. you have an image in your head about what being gay/gay people are. yes theres the screaming flamers but the vast majority are "normal"-i plucked up the courage to go to a gay bar and thought it was going to be kylie minogue blaring out gusy drinking smirnoff ice. as it was i spoke to plenty of lads who youd have no clue were gay if they werent stood where they were. gaa/rugby players, gardai, teachers etc etc....just regular guys and not a smirnoff ice in sight.

Aishae

Hi op might there be some social anxiety? As you mention you are also uncomfy about going to a bar with a friend. Threes no reason why you should go to a bar. It's your choice! But what you said got me thinking...

LegacyUser

Aishae wrote: »

Hi op might there be some social anxiety? As you mention you are also uncomfy about going to a bar with a friend. Threes no reason why you should go to a bar. It's your choice! But what you said got me thinking...

I just googled social anxiety and although a lot of the symptoms apply to me, it seems like they would apply to everyone. I just came across some "symptoms"

• Intense fear of being in situations in which you don't know people
• Fear of situations in which you may be judged
• Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
• Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
• Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work, school or other activities
• Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
• Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention

I dont know exactly what an "intense fear" is but I would not walk into a pub/party unless someone I know is there.
I don't like to be judged. Who does?
I don't like to be embarrassed or humiliated either.
If I'm anxious, I rarely think about anything besides what I'm anxious about.
I can't really pinpoint anxiety disrupting my daily routine. Can't think at the moment.
I would tend to avoid things if they may cause me embarrassment.
I'm not a fan of being the centre of attention.

A lot of my responses I would think are common, are they not?

Aishae

There's levels of social anxiety but on the more extreme end the idea is that the fear stops us from doing things frequently. Just thought it might be food for thought as it might not solely be a problem with gay things.