Getting close to girl online. Prospect of video chatting terrifies me..

LegacyUser

I am a male in my early twenties and have been taking with a girl on an online forum now for over a month.. We both get on so well with each other, and the level of interest seems to certainly be mutual (she never fails to message me every single day). And the words she uses when messaging me and referring to me indicate she feels quite strongly for me too (just as I do toward her).
Now the problem here is that she lives in another country and at some point we are most likely going to have to move onto skype sooner or later if things are to progress. And I feel immense pressure that this must happen soon or she will lose interest in me.. Although the fact that this girl also has some shyness problems makes it a little easier for me, but I know this step still must be taken soon...

Now the main issue that is preventing me from making the suggestion to skype each other is my crippling BDD. At the worst of times I can't even step out the door of my house or go to the shops due to the overwhelming insecurity with my appearance. And this is ongoing despite the fact I have been told countless times that I am very attractive. And this girl has told me so too (I have a dozen photos of me up online that she has seen). However this doesn't do too much to reassure me as I have myself convinced that my real life self does not compare to those well taken photos. And also there is the fact that this girl is breathtakingly beautiful (and in a conventionally attractive sense, there is no doubt about that). So I suppose that makes the prospect of skyping even more terrifying for me. She also seems to have very high standards too and despite the fact she seems so into me online, showers me with compliments and adoration, I still cannot convince myself that I meet these physical standards.

Please help me!! I would love nothing more than to move onto something serious with this girl but I feel so unworthy of her. Any advice would be appreciated.. Thank you.

beks101

First of all, if you have BDD then there's little that anyone here can say that is going to make you feel better about yourself. Are you seeing a counsellor about this or getting the appropriate treatment? That should be your first port of all.

Secondly, I think you have worked up this whole scenario in your head. You've exchanged some online messages with a seemingly attractive girl and built up a bit of a rapport. Think about it logically. She lives in a different country. You've never met face to face. How far can this actually go in the real world? I know it sounds cruel, but it might put your mind at ease to be pragmatic about this and not read too much into it. It's easy to meet someone online and have that 'chemistry', it's translating it into something meaningful in the real world that's the hard part.

So in that sense, you have nothing to lose. Whether she likes or doesn't like the look of you will be less of an overwhelming thing if you can get a bit of perspective on the situation here. But really I think you need to make it a priority to deal with the BDD issues. Otherwise situations like these are going to keep cropping up.

Abi

Hi OP. Are you being treated for BDD, and have you mentioned to this girl you're BDD? Why do you feel under so much pressure to talk to her via skype? I'm seeing someone a while now, and whenever I don't get to see him we chat online, without the use of webcams.

It's not that uncommon to not like using them, I just feel kind of awkward tbh. You should ask her if she wouldn't mind leaving it out, and that it's not for you.

LegacyUser

beks101, I am not getting treatment currently but I am basically always in and out of therapy of some sort and have been so for a decade. So far nothing has come out of it. I have been diagnosed with BDD and that's about it. Felt a bit better about myself after getting the diagnosis but that wasn't to last long..
And I certainly do have something to lose I'm afraid. I don't think you really understand my predicament. If I let her see me on video and she immediately stops contacting me as a result, then it will confirm all my insecurities and the blow will most likely cause me to go into my 'unable to leave the house' state which can last for weeks. And that's best case scenario.

So yes, I have a lot to lose. Not just this girl..

Abi, No I have not mentioned it to her. I wouldn't dare. And I just feel that, seeing as we are unable to see each other in person due to distance, skype is the logical next step.. otherwise I fear this will all just fade away...

beks101

Lonelybliss wrote: »

And I certainly do have something to lose I'm afraid. I don't think you really understand my predicament. If I let her see me on video and she immediately stops contacting me as a result, then it will confirm all my insecurities and the blow will most likely cause me to go into my 'unable to leave the house' state which can last for weeks. And that's best case scenario.

This just confirms to me the fact that you need to prioritise treatment over everything else.

Rejection is a part of life and certainly a big part of dating. Everyone experiences it in some shape or form, from the average to the stunningly attractive, and it's a necessary learning curve for anyone who is looking for a romantic relationship. The only way to shelter yourself from it is to cease contact with this girl and any other girl that crosses your path and takes your fancy for the rest of your life. I'm guessing this isn't an option for you, so you need a find a good counsellor, who you trust and feel comfortable with, and who can talk you through these issues.

Let's suppose it's best case scenario with this girl - you skype, she likes what she sees and regular contact continues. Then the next hurdle - adding on facebook, meeting in person, whatever. Say nothing comes of that. Are you going to have a breakdown then, not leave the house for weeks? What about if things get off to a flying start and then she loses interest out of the blue months down the line, what happens then? What about the next girl, and the girl after that? Not a pleasant experience for anyone, and we all get a bit anxious about these things, but the sort of acute fear and anxiety and stress that this is provoking with you needs to be dealt with, otherwise any relationship you get into is going to be fraught with these negative thoughts and fears.

I'm sorry that therapy hasn't proved successful or satisfactory for you so far, but you simply have to keep trying until you find a productive way of working through your BDD issues. Research around for a good therapist, look for someone who specialises in BDD, don't give up on yourself. Bear in mind that the recovery process will take years, no matter how hard you work at it and it won't be fun. But not leaving the house for weeks because some girl from the internet who you've never met stops messaging you after a video chat is just not normal and it's not a reality you should be accepting for yourself. It sounds like living hell.