Advice for a stupid guy

idiotman

Hi All,

I would not normally come to boards to ask for advice but I have been a total jerk and an ass and I would like to ask as many of you as possible for your thoughts or insights that may help to make things a little clearer. Hell half of this will be me just being able to say aloud what has happened.

To give you the full details and the background:

I am a 28 year old guy of what I thought was of reasonable intelligence. I have been in a relationship with a fantastic woman who is just a couple of years my junior. We have been going out for about 4.5 years and everything was the picture of what a perfect relationship should be.

For 4 years things were fantastic but over the last 3-4 months things were very diffrent and difficult. I was not spending as much quality time with her as I was before and we would argue about small silly things. I would be worried about money and other things that in the grand scheme of things are relatively trivial.Most of the things that were going wrong with the relationship were mostly down to me not paying enough attention or giving her enough of my time.

Recently I for some unknown reason had an affair with someone that we both know. It was not done for love of that person. To be honest I am not sure why it happened at all. My better half knew that something had happened and found out within a week and a half. I saw this other person 3 times.
I am not someone who would cheat on their partner as I grew up in a family that was split due to the actions of my father. I never wanted to become the person that he was. Now I find myself in the horrible situation that I realise that he is exactly who I have become.
I have had other chances over the past 4 and a half years to cheat but have never done it before as it is not something that I wanted to do.

I have completely hurt and destroyed my partner. She is devastated.
Words cant explain the hurt and horrible emotions that she is going through right now. I have betrayed her love and her trust for some unknown reason. I feel gutted and sick with the knowledge of the pain that I have caused her.

We had some problems in our relationship but they were only minor and could have easily been remedied by some proper talking or from counceling.

We have both moved out from where we were living together as it was not possible for her to even see me without getting angry and feeling hurt all over again.

3 week have passed by and I have tried to do some serious soul searching.
Its great to look back on everything with hindsight and realise how you would completely change your lifestyle and do everything differently.
I love this woman so much. She would be the best mother in the world. She has so much kindness and love in her heart and she has a strange ability to be able to read my mind and finish my sentences. The simple fact is that I love her and I would do anything in order to be able to start over and make sure that this time I make her the happiest woman on this planet.

I have accepted total blame and responsibility for everything that has happened. I have also gone to therapy myself in order to try to fix this part of me in order to make sure that it never happens again. I dont know what else I can do in order to change the person I was and become the person who I want to be and who will never hurt their partner ever again.

I have already spent 3 weeks calling myself the worst names under the sun and I deserve to be called every one of them. She deserves so much more then what I have given her so far. I have betrayed her. I just wish I could undo what I have done. I wish I could give up a piece of me to make her better.

I know what I have done but I dont know what I can do now. I can only try to fix myself as a person and try to make sure that this can never happen again.

She is still so angry and I dont want to call her or text her now that she is still so angry and I dont think anything good can come of it. A week ago we were looking at taking a break and giving it a try again in 6 months. A clean start as it were. But now she sees that on some level I chose this other girl over her. She can never forgive me for that and does not want to try again.

Honestly I cant blame her. She has every right to do whatever will make her happy and right now that is to not have a future together.

I suppose I am pouring my heart out in a hope that someone here may have been through something similar or who may know someone who was and may be able to offer some advice.

I am hoping that time may help us both. She may understand that I really do love her and that I will never let this ever happen again.

Any comments or questions would be very welcome.

Regards,
Idiotman

Stheno

moved from tLL

I am a friend

Count the number times you use 'I' in your post... It's all about you and it was all about you when you were cheating on your ex.

I would strongly recommend you learn your lesson here and set the girl free. Dont try and change her mind as it would not be fair on her.

floorpie

I am a friend wrote: »

Count the number times you use 'I' in your post...

How else is he supposed to write a post in which he's the main actor?

The 6 month thing sounds about the best possible outcome.

Probably the worst thing you could do is pester her; it might feel to you like you've had your 4 months of boredom in the relationship, a mistake was then made, and now it's time to reconcile and get back together - she's only starting to go through what you went through 4 months ago now, forcibly, and she's going to need a chance to catch up with you. In 6 months maybe she'll decide that what she's lost is worth more to her than what she's gotten, but don't push her away in the meantime. Going by the length of your post and emotive language i'm guessing that you'd love to spill your guts to her, but choose your times, don't try and force her through her sadness or whatever; you might have gone to therapy already but it's probably gonna take a good bit longer than 3 weeks of soul searching for things to even begin to start resolving.

idiotman

Hi All.

Yes I did take her for granted and looking back now it is very hard to see how I could have been so stupid. You are not the only person who feels so sorry for her. I am just glad that she has so many family and friends who are of great support to her now during this horrible time.
Thank you floorpie. That seems like very good advice and I think that is exactly what I need to do for her now.

I am sorry if I use the letter "I" too much. It is very difficult to write something and to try to point out where you have made mistakes without using "I" when refering to yourself and the mistakes you made.

baaaa

idiotman wrote: »

I am not someone who would cheat on their partner

Eh,yes you are I believe.

idiotman

baaaa wrote: »

Eh,yes you are I believe.

Fair point but it has taken a lot to be able to even post here so if you have some criticism can you please make sure that it is constructive.

I am a friend

idiotman wrote: »

Fair point but it has taken a lot to be able to even post here so if you have some criticism can you please make sure that it is constructive.

It is constructive cos it's reality.

What responses do you want?

idiotman

I am a friend wrote: »

It is constructive cos it's reality.

What responses do you want?

Either you dont understand my meaning which is baiting and bashing now does not help either of us to mend and try and get better or you dont want to get my meaning.
The other 2 people who posted both offered advice that seemed like they were genuinely trying to help. That is what I mean by constructive. Something that may help or improve. I am not saying this to try to antagonise anyone. I am only trying to find help or advice.
If your advice is to leave her alone and stay away that is fine as that is advice. But to just kick someone when they know they have been a duche does not help at all.

I am a friend

Yes the advice is leave her alone, let her move on and dont do it to anyone again.

You posted on a public forum and on this basis it's not up to you to tell people how / what to post.

idiotman

I am a friend wrote: »

Yes the advice is leave her alone, let her move on and dont do it to anyone again.

You posted on a public forum and on this basis it's not up to you to tell people how / what to post.

Its not up to me to tell you what or how to post but the charter says the following:
Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts.
There is zero tolerance for muppetry here, and trolls etc. will not be treated lightly.
Any advice given should be mature, contructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not.

I am a friend

My posts fall within the rules and regulations for this forum - you just didn't like what was being said.

I couldn't care less if you get back with the girl or not cos it's not my problem but my advice stands. The nicest thing you can do for this girl after the way you treated her is to let her off in peace. That would be mature....

floorpie

You gotta understand man, and without trying to rub it in because it's obvious how bad you feel, this is probably alot of people's worst relationship-nightmares. And what's more, it's probably an even scarier thought to think that you could cheat on someone yourself, because like you implied, nobody *thinks* they'll cheat. But they do, all the time. I've seen numbers range up to 60% of people cheating at some point in their marriage. That doesn't excuse it, but it feels to me sometimes like the angry responses sort of belie a sense of fear or something sometimes, you broke a social rule and now you have to deal with the social consequences for a while, so that everybody can get back to feeling like they'll never cheat and only monsters do it and blah blah blah.

But everyone else has to realise that he already knows he ****ed up majorly. That's why he's here, not for commiseration, not for punishment, not for hugs. He's probably right in that it'd be best to hear from other people who've gone through the same thing.

Eve_Dublin

I'm trying to find some sympathy within me here but what really sticks in my throat is the fact that you cheated on her 3 times with this person. I'm not the kind of person to forgive cheating and would end it for good but I could probably understand why a person might forgive someone for one time...but three? I don't want to say what I REALLY think as it's not constructive (and no, it wouldn't have involved throwing a load of insults at you either).

OP, you did something unforgiveable in my book. There's no sugar coating it and if I was to forgive you, I'd want to see you suffer emotionally first. You're looking for advice from people given with kid gloves here but you have to understand, this is a very emotive topic for many people. Many people on this forum have been cheated on. Yes I understand many people aren't angels but many people don't cheat, believe it or not.

To be honest with you, OP, your ex did what I would do and what I would advice anyone in her situation to do. All I can advice is for you to give her space. Stay completely out of her life for now. Give her time to think. You can promise her you'll never do it again 'till the cows come home but you made that promise 4 years ago when you got into a relationship with her. It's up to her to decide if she's willing to trust you again and all you can do is sit tight. There's no explaining or excusing what you did away. You just have to suffer the consequences of your actions and wait but also be prepared for the worst.

Good luck with it all anyway, OP.

Silverfish

Okay everyone please keep replies constructive and helpful to the OP.

Off-topic and unhelpful replies can earn you a ban from this forum, and if you have an issue with a post, please report it and let the mods deal with it.

Distorted

You sound like you're in denial OP. You are indeed the sort of person to cheat, and your excuses and your excuses come across as bland and to suit yourself. Cheating 3 times is not a one off mistake. It sounds more like you cheated for exactly as long as it took you to scratch whatever itch and now its the resulting circumstances which are bothering you, not the act of cheating. If I were your girlfriend, I'd be thinking "til the next time" because you sound like a typical cake and eat it guy - too scared to be single but not monogamous enough not to cheat.

I'd actually advise you to be single and work on your self awareness.

Starokan

hi op,

you wont be the first or last to be in this position, ive no doubt you are remorseful and im sure your now ex knows this too. The best thing you can do is give her time and space to heal herself. If your feelings are as deep as you say for her then that is the most respectful loving thing you can do for her, if she chooses to come back into contact with you with a view to being in a relationship again then do your best to be the best partner you can.

If she moves on with her life dont make it hard or awkward for her in any way.

As for yourself, stop beating yourself up, you can clearly see the wrong in what you did, now you need to move on too, spending time berating yourself will not serve you in any way. Yes you caused the split but perhaps your actions merely sped up the inevitable as something was clearly not right if you were going to act this way. Perhaps as you say you could have put it right but perhaps also it may not have worked.

Either way its now in the past, even though your cheating caused the split im guessing you feel like hell too. Your going to have to work through that as well and come out the other side. Take time for yourself and the next time your in a relationship if temptation comes calling remember how you felt right here right now as a result of it.

good luck

Miss Fluff

idiotman wrote: »

I am hoping that time may help us both. She may understand that I really do love her and that I will never let this ever happen again.

I don't think you do love her tbh. Or certainly not enough. If you really truly loved the poor girl you wouldn't have found it ok to cheat (on a number of occasions). You would have found the thought of even contemplating it abhorrent and alien to you.

You're post is littered with excuses and then a "woe is me" spin. The thing that stands out more than remorse or guilt or anything else is self pity really.

It's evident that you regret cheating and having lost what you consider to be a good woman (she wasn't good enough not to cheat on though was she?) you're maybe realising too late that the grass isn't always greener.

I'd forget this whole six months business and seeing what the future holds. Allow this girl some dignity and the chance to get over you (by herself). She's made it clear there is no future for you both. You maybe need to take some time out to have a good think about why you'd treat someone you supposedly loved so horribly.

floorpie

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I don't think you do love her tbh.

They were together for 5 years, of course he loves her.

Just to add to the thread, because there's an undercurrent of hate going on, there's a strong biological drive to pair up with someone for years/life and not cheat. There's also a strong, opposing, biological drive to have sex with new people. There are ways to make one drive out-muscle the other, but it's *not* willpower. That's just the way the brain works.

And the sooner people start realising this the better off we'll all be. Because it's this "well *i'd* never cheat" attitude that *makes* cheating happen, as evidenced, for example, by the OP and *every single* other 'i cheated' thread that's ever been posted.

Moralizing over the act of cheating helps nobody understand anything.

Colonel Panic

I don't think saying that monogamy is fighting instinct will make a difference to the OP though.

I agree, the hate he's getting is stupid, he's obviously feeling sorry for himself but attacking him will just make him more defensive.

Anyway, the relationship is over. Deal with it. Don't think that in 6 months your ex will be open to being contacted, she won't be.

floorpie

Colonel Panic wrote: »

I don't think saying that monogamy is fighting instinct will make a difference to the OP though.

Yeah you're right, but i'm only saying it to try and stem the hate so that the dude might get some benefit from the thread. And just to clarify what i meant, monogamy is equally instinctive, a person in a relationship wont have to fight the urge to cheat on a constant basis. That's what makes it so dangerous when people spread the idea that some people couldn't *possibly* cheat, because people genuinely do feel like they never will do it no matter what, as the OP genuinely did, so the sentiment kind of makes logical sense, but it doesn't make biological sense. This doesn't mean that cheating is inevitable, but diluting the issue of cheating down to a purely moral one creates an environment where it's more likely to happen. I feel.

Anyway surely somebody reading went through the same situation as the OP?

Neyite

Op, you wiped 4 years of absolute trust out in a matter of moments with her. Surely you can see that 6 months is nothing in the scale of things. Certainly not when the love of your life has betrayed you with a woman you know? Give the woman space to deal with the demise of her long term relationship that was basically sacrificed for a few meaningless shags.

Its only 3 weeks. How can you even say that therapy is working for you? Therapy takes far longer than that. It smacks of "look honey, I'ma proving I'm sorry, going to counselling and everything, so come back"

It may or may not heal. Thats entirely up to your ex. Nothing you can do can change that. But, if you dont get her back, then learn from this -maybe next time you think about what you stand to lose over a random bit on the side.

idiotman

Hi All,

Thanks for your advice.
I do understand that there is a very good chance that she may never want to be in a relationship with me. That is something that I have to deal with.I know that is a strong possibility. I wish I could do something to change that but I dont want to try to influence her at all. It is her decision as to what happens from here.
I am not calling her or bothering her in any way. If she calls me or texts me then I will reply but I dont want to be the one bothering her when she really only wants to deal with me at a time that suits her. This is totally understandable and I am very aware that I need to give her space and time to sort things out in her own head.
I am really trying not to come accross as a woe is me person as was stated above. Yes I do feel dreadful for what I have done to her. I cant take it back now no matter how much I want to. My pain is irrelivent in all of this and I am not looking for sympathy or to give an excuse. I have never tried to make an excuse for it. Not once have I tried to shift the blame to anyone but myself in all of this.
Thank you all for your advice it is good to see everyones opinion and it has really given me even more to think about.

Eve_Dublin

Just to add, there's no hating on my part here. I don't like that you cheated but I don't know you. I'm merely commenting on your action. I'm friends with women and men who've cheated and they're lovely people otherwise (although before they ever cheated I wouldn't have believed cheater were nice people). They told their partners, their partners chose to end the relationships and that was that. I suppose the point is, it's out of your hands and no matter how much advice we give, it's 100% down to your ex and as others have said, you should leave it down to her and give her complete space.

Can I ask you two questions to consider yourself, OP....what if she didn't find out? Would you have come clean? Would you have felt the guilt you feel now if you didn't tell her? I think these are questions you need to answer honestly for yourself because if it's only guilt because you've been caught, well...I dunno. I think you know yourself. At least (although it's no consolation), my friends felt guilty enough to be honest and set the person they loved free.

LostGirly

OP my heart goes out to you it really does. Yeah I know everyone he's made his bed and now he should go lie in it, but he realises that, go easy on the guy.
I know people say that if you love someone you'd never hurt them but that's not true either! Parents, siblings, friends etc are all people we love and I doubt there's one person in here that hasn't hurt a loved one in their time - intentionally or not. The hurt has been done and the OP realises what he's done. What he needs now is advice on how to try and salvage the situation.

I do think leave her alone OP but not completely. You don't want her to think you don't care. Don't bombard her with texts or phone calls and please do not use social media to contact her EVER. Drop her a letter every now and again and not a "I love you, I miss you, be with me, I'm a broken man, feel sorry for me" letter. A SHORT letter that says I'm thinking about you, this is what's going on in my life, I hope all is ok with you, if you need anything you know where I am! Don't put pressure on her, don't try and pull at her heart strings, just be there.

6 months isn't a long time OP if it means at the end of it things will work out. But use the 6 months wisely! You need to ensure yourself that there isn't something underlying that made you do what you did. You need to make sure that you're not going to cheat on her every time that you are going through a difficult patch. And you need to make doubly sure that she is what you want. Because if you are lucky enough for this wonderful girl to take you back and you f*ck her over again you deserve everything Karma will lay upon you and believe me it will be fierce!!

idiotman

Thanks a million Lostgirly.

I do have issues that I need to work on and that is why I am going to therapy now in order to fix myself. That way if she does ever take me back I wont ever go down this path ever again.
That was very sound advice and I will write her a letter every now and then in order to keep in touch.
Again thank you for your helpful advice.